im embarassed to be here-whats wrong with me?
 

i havent been on here because ive been too embarrassed of my actions. i have given in to him on alot of levels.

I think there is soemthing wrong with me that i cannot stick to what i feel is right and give in because its easier...i couldnt handle the stress of the legalities of everything... and the cost of my lawyer...i cant afford him.

he is still going to the evaluation on tuesday and is still going to abide by what the evaluator says..i can only pray that it will be what he needs and he will follow through..i can always file for divorce again...im at the point though where if it doesnt work out that i would just want to go to a mediator because the back and forth fighting, i just cant handle...i am not a strong person on my own--i need support ..and although i have some..a few good freinds, i have no strong family to support me and that is what i really need.

he slept over last night..it was ok....i know all of you are thinking i am crazy..believe me, im thinking the same thing...i feel terrible about myself that i cant stick to my guns---what is wrong with me?? am i addicted to him?? i feel like i am going to be back to square 1 very shortly...but i will not tolerate drugs in the house. i think he is clean...of course i cant be sure, i havent been living with him...but if we get an accountant to handle all of our bills and finances, give us a monthly allowance, he abides by the evaluator recommendations which should include random drug testing....even if it doesnt and i tell him that i need that to trust him, then he sasy he will do that by going to a dr. who can order the testing....

i guess all i can do is take it day by day. he knows what will make me divorce him and that is not what he wants, so if there is any drug use in the house, that is what will happen....

im sorry to disappoint all of you. i am very disappointed in myself.... i know i need help...i pray to my hp that he can be clean and stay clean and do what it takes.
i pray for strength.

I have been thinking about you - you don't need to say sorry. Trust me I went back with my AH so many times, people thought I was nuts. You may just not be ready.

Yes, you are a strong person. I use to think I wasn't strong and people would tell me I was. But when I think back I was the one working, taking care of our bills and our child. I had to hold it together the best I could.

Just please protect yourself - to this day even though my RAH is clean I still worry, but I still have money set aside. I also know if there is ever any drugs or cheating, we are done. I will not put myself thru that again.

Please keep us posted on how things are going and never feel emabarresed about coming on this site. It has a great bunch of people.

Hi drained---

I've followed your threads since you've been here. I'm not disappointed in you. It takes each of us our own amount of time to get to the point where we are through. MANY MANY of us here have let our addicts back in time and time again.

It takes however long it takes to do what you need to do. In the meantime, just make sure that your kids are protected.

Have you gone to Naranon yet? The face to face support in Naranon is unbelievable. It gives you someone to call when you are feeling weak with your boundaries. Its real, and the people in Naranon care about you. I know its harder for me to do something that I might be unsure about when I have someone sharing their experience in their personal situation with me. Please give naranon or alanon a chance if you haven't.

Hopefully it is his time and he is going to stick to what he says and get clean, but even if it is, it still takes alot for US to heal and to learn to stop the behaviors that drive us insane. It was that way for me, even when my RAH did get clean, I was still a mess.

((((drainedwife))) Don't be so down on yourself. You did what you thought was right for you at the time. We all do it.

Drained...you needn't be embarrassed. Even us parents hope against hope that this time will be the time. And that is only human. Please don't feel you cannot come here, this is the one place where you can be open and honest. And sometimes, people will tell yu that you shouldn't be doing something...but you know what. We all do what we can with what we have, and no one else can judge. Ohhh, we all have opinions...but that's just what they are.

Please, feel free to stay and post.
NSW

No No No No No... no one should be ashamed for making decisions and doing what they feel they need to do at the time.

Certainly no one should feel they let US down.
This is your life DW, and you ARE strong. Should the time come that you need to change your game plan, you will find the strength to do that too.

Most of us here have walked several paths before finding the right one.

The important part is that you keep walking...and we are here to walk with you

((((Hugs)))
Cece

Drained,
You are doing what you need to do for you right now. You are stronger than you think. Please go to face to face meetings, and don't forget I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. Just pick up the phone and call. I will pray that this is his time to get clean, are you addicted to him, maybe. We all seem to be addicted to our addict since we love who they use to be.
All of us here care about you and want you to keep posting, we are here to give you support when you need it or for you to give us some when we need it. Hopefully you can post positive things, but if it does not work out don't worry about it, many people here, have been through the same thing many times and know how you are feeling.
Hugs coming to you

if everyone that slipped, stopped posting - this place would be dead! keep coming back! k

Please know that you need not be embarassed regarding SR.

The back and forth thing is really very, very common.

It's also common that people stay away when they feel they have gone against what was advised.

It takes courage to come here and keep working it through.

If you would look at the addict's forums, you will see many who have relapses and slips, and they just come back and say I messed up and I am back on the wagon.
And the support for them continues as does the compassion.

Still a good idea not to put all eggs in one basket, tho. and that is just my opinion. I am thinking about still keeping an account separate that is your own that you can build funds up in. If everything works out wonderfully, you can use if for a surprise vacation down the road. or etc. If not, you will have a nest egg that you did not have before. Just my advice tho' and nothing more, k?

Sweetie, Ive been there over and over. Its okay. Its normal to wat the person you married around. I hope it goes well. I hope you dont continue to experience what so many of us have. Usually by the time we get out its killing us slowly physically as well as mentally. My husband may be very well leaving for the Carolinas tnite. Im ahppy and freaked at the same time. Its normal to feel that way. Our life became so entangled its better chance of survival for both of us to stay away.

like me, you have been affected by someone's addiction. There are people in my life that have a disease - my understanding is that I suffer from that disease too.

I haven't always made the best decisions concerning what was healthy for me, but rather than beat myself up about it, I can trust in my HP; knowing that I do not have the power to mess up my HP's plan for my life. If I make a decision - my HP can use it for me to learn something I need to learn, to heal something in me that needs to be healed or to further my recovery in a way that I never would have thought of.

Drained, you have to walk your path - it's YOUR path, seek your HP's guidance, please take good care of YOU.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

So glad to hear from you, Drained! Don't ever apologize for what you're doing. I don't think many of us here are in any position to judge. I certainly wouldn't want anyone judging the choices I've made.
You are the only one walking in your shoes ~ you're doing all you are capable of for today, and thats all you can do. It's great that you come here to vent and to get advice and opinions ~ its a sign of your strength and desire to change your circumstances.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and we're all living in glass houses here. We know where you live, drained, and some of us still haven't quite moved on ourselves.
Sending up lots of prayers for you. Please keep us posted!!!

DW... I am sending love and support to you. Don't think that you disapointed anyone here. Your living your life the only way you know how. The answers will come when to you when you are ready. So many of us have been on the rollercoaster ride for so long and understand what you feel and the indecision of what to do.

We are here for you!

Hugs,
Jewel

Oh Gaud...

I know how it is...been there done that so many times my eyes can't stop jumping from moving back and forth so many times. Makes it hard to see what is....

Take it easy and take care of you....

If you knew how many times I gave in as a parent, you would not feel bad at all. As we get stronger in our own recovery, we make progress, one step at a time. Give yourself a break for today, and make a plan to do one thing for you. Sometimes when we forget about ourselves, our self esteem plummets and we allow things we wouldn't normally allow. Hugs.
krhea

Its' not easy to detach with love from someone you love so much. We have dreams of what our lives are suppose to be like and they never turn out that way. Just remember (which I try to do every day), that God never gives us more than we can handle.

Can you still go to Nar-anon?

((((((((((drained))))))))))))) Day One...........keep coming back!

We all make our own choices in life, you have made yours, and now you must live with the decision.

Strength and clarity come from within, and that does not happen over night.

I wish you the best, I hope it all works out like you think it will.

I'm so glad to hear from you!! Please don't ever feel embarrassed here; most of us have gone back and forth many times over. I know I did. But I learned a little more each time, and I got a little stronger each time.

If I could offer just one morsel of advice, it would be to start putting some money back for yourself, that he has no idea about and cannot get to, against the possibility that you will have to seperate again. That is not being pessimistic or negative; it is being realistic and proactive. Many times the fear of not being able to take care of myself financially was what ultimately drove me back; having money gives you options IF you need them. That is healthy.

We all care about you and want the best for you and your kids. Keep posting and reading and learning. Take care of yourself and the kids.

((((HUGS))))