the reason I am going to ask for the money

Old 07-26-2007, 08:15 PM
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the reason I am going to ask for the money

Reality is -- any of us who are owed money by the addicts, any of us who are shelling out money to cover the credit card debts that built up through our generosity towards some one we loved, someone we gave the money to with the best of intentions, money that could be spent on our children, health, education, or whatever we would otherwise have spent it on, any of us who have even the remotest possibility to recoup some of our loss, we would grab it.

so I am I supposed to live an impoverished life for the next 3 years just so that abf's parents get a chance to teach him a lesson? am I supposed to not ask for the money just to prevent them from being enablers? Hey, it is totally their choice whether they want to pay it or not, and you know, it isn't like I am some dealer threatening to break their son's legs, I am the woman who has put up with him, stuck it out with him, loved him and cared for him, and tried my best to have a relationship that would eventually work.

You know, if he had stolen this money from them instead of me they still wouldn't have thrown him out of the house or stopped their enabling, so why the heck shouldn't I ask for it of them??? Parents pay off their children's debts of all kinds for all reasons, a debt to an ex girlfriend is no different than a student loan, a credit card, a car loan, a mortgage, and many, many parents help pay those for their kids. It isn't my fault he used the money on drugs, It wasn't like I loaned it to him with the intention of him using it to drink and use. No, it was loaned again and again as hope that he would use it to make his life better, to get a leg up, to start something.

Yes, naive of me, but you know, if I can get some of that money back, I sure as heck am going to try
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Old 07-26-2007, 08:29 PM
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Hey if they paid off $50,000 of his credit card bills for him like you said (why did they do that?) they must be loaded and so it probably won't hurt them to throw something your way, too. Go for it.

you don't need anyone's approval or justification, it's your decision and it sounds like you have already made the decision.

They can always say no if they don't want to.
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Old 07-27-2007, 03:52 AM
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oneeye...

no, you don't have to justify your decision. If someone were willing to step in and ease my load in terms of the debt I still carry from my exah's addiction, I'd probably accept it too...

I have a child with my exah. I didn't just carry a huge load of debt when I left the relationship, I also have a child to support on my own. When things were at their worst, when I could barely scrape enough money together for gas or food, I used to fantasize that my exah's father would step in and help. He never did. He couldn't afford to do it...and I don't think he would have done it even if he could. I had to work thru alot of issues where my exah's father was concerned. My exah's father didn't offer financial support...and he also never offered any emotional support. He never called just to talk to his grandson (who is named after him, by the way)...never called just to see how we were doing. I used to resent this like crazy (especially the lack of emotional support). I do know, however, that all of this made me stronger. If my exah's father had stepped in and repaid me for my losses, the sting of my exah's addiction would have been erased. Honestly, every time I make a payment on debts that I incurred when trying to 'help' my exah, I am reminded of my mistakes. As painful as it is sometimes, I think the act of repaying this debt on my own...over time...makes me stronger in my commitment not to let anything like this happen to me again (at the hands of my exah or anyone else).

If your exbf's parents don't step in and pay the debt, it might actually be a blessing in disguise. JMHO.
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Old 07-27-2007, 04:53 AM
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I am going through hell with debt and cc's that my ex ran up to over 60k.
It's a nightmare, believe me. The debtors are coming after me for HIS cards because it seems that you can be held responsible even if you are just an authorized user!
I hope things don't get this bad for you.
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Old 07-27-2007, 05:03 AM
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we are not here to judge you.we are here to support you what ever your decision is. my prayers are still for you & your exbf...
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Old 07-27-2007, 05:24 AM
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FWIw I sent an Email to my XABF again today (I do this automatically about every 2 months) asking for the $$ he owes me.

Will do me no good but it lets him know I have not forgotten it and it also "reminds" him.

Money makes the world go around. You can do nothing and nothing will happen. You can do something and nothing may still happen but you have improved your odds.
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Old 07-27-2007, 06:08 AM
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Nope...no one judging here either, and if I were in your shoes I would feel the same.
My response in your previous post was more directed to why "I" would not do what your asking.
I didn't loan the money, therefore I needn't feel obligated. Many of us have stood by and watched as others continued to enable when we were trying so hard to not. I speak of trying to practice my side of recovery, and paying my kid's debts is not something I will continue to do.

If you can get the money...go for it. At least something will be salvaged. But if they say no, they may have thier reasons.

((((Hugs)))
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Old 07-27-2007, 06:37 AM
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I am a mother of an addict. He stole from me, etc. I wish his dad would help me by having him pay me back. I am suing my son to get my money back, his dad said it will be a cold day in HE** before I get a dime from him. (My ex is a lawyer.)
If his parents keep bailing him out of debt, I say go and ask in a nice polite business matter show them proof of what you lent him.
The worse that can happen is they say no, and you are in the same boat as you are in now. Maybe they will be kind and help you even if they just give you part of what he owes you. I would also send a letter to the ex and list the amount he owes and ask for repayment, if he starts to repay you after his parents pay you, you could always send whatever he sends to you back to the parents. This way it shows them you aren't just after their money and since he is paying you are returning that amount to them. I don't think he will pay you back since addicts don't.
Good luck, let us know how you make out
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Old 07-27-2007, 08:04 AM
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I'm with you baby...I paid a lot of debt of Keiths when he died, stuff that I put on my card, money he stole the last few weeks of his life, taxes on the house. I ended up keeping the bose stereo and sold some of his tools. It still was at least $3000 out of my pocket that he owed me...If I could have gotten it back, I would have. good luck to you...Marian
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Old 07-28-2007, 06:29 PM
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Wow! I definitely missed something here but I think I get the just of it. I don't think I could ask for the money. It may seem like it's owed to you somehow or you may just genuinely need the help but it wasn't his parents who took the money from you. It was your abf, the abf that you CHOSE to stay with whether you had high hopes or not; it was always probably in the back of your mind what he was doing with the money but you kept giving because you cared. No fault in that.

My exagf is partly responsible for getting my parents' van stolen. But I'm partly responsible too because I loaned it to her in the first place which I never should have done for more reasons than one. Would I like some kind of reimbursement for that? Yes. But I wouldn't think to ask her parents to pay for it. However, I'm constantly reminding her that she's going to have to make amends somehow and of course, I realize I owe something here too.

No judgement honestly, if you've made up your mind to do this but just be careful that your motives are pure and there's not some other thing that's motivating you like pain, disappointment, or anger. If it's been offered, then go for it but if you're having to ask then keep an open-mind of the results. Good luck.
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