Need your support and prayers!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: From moment to moment, only God really knows
Posts: 35
Need your support and prayers!
Hi all,
I haven't visited and/or contributed in a while due to desktop computer problems. Anyhow, I'm miraculously wireless on a laptop right now and need a minute...it seems that my husband has had a relapse. :-( His DOC are cocaine and marijuana. 6 months ago tomorrow we went to a counselor, he ended up admiting to being an addict, we both began a journey into recovery via NA and NarAnon meetings, counseling, reading, listening to teaching CDs, greater involvement in church, etc. Anyhow, payday loans are popping up all over the place again and so are cut off straws (something new). I've been in the codependent mode for a week or so - back to looking for any and evey piece of possible evidence, etc. When I went to the counselor yesterday I just put it all on her desk, told her what I'd been doing and asked her to help me sort it out because I've reverted to my old behaviors and was on the verge of a panic attack. Granted, this was after finding out last week that he'd lied to me about having +3 clean drug screens - per the counselor, he hasn't had but two...the initial screen on January 26 (cocaine showed up) and one on March 1 (clean)! What is up with THAT?! He hasn't been to a meeting in so very long, but I've stayed out of it...until a couple of weeks ago when I started my codependant reporting to her. Oh, those Goody's sleep aids are everywhere, too. Anyhow, we have a session with the counselor tonight and, while I know it is warranted, I am back to my old self - SCARED to death...she's going to confront him and ask if he's serious about recovery, if it is what he really wants, etc. etc. You know I'll get the fall out. Our lives have reverted to a time of angst, frustration, tension, fear, etc. etc. I'm asking for your support and prayers!!!!
I haven't visited and/or contributed in a while due to desktop computer problems. Anyhow, I'm miraculously wireless on a laptop right now and need a minute...it seems that my husband has had a relapse. :-( His DOC are cocaine and marijuana. 6 months ago tomorrow we went to a counselor, he ended up admiting to being an addict, we both began a journey into recovery via NA and NarAnon meetings, counseling, reading, listening to teaching CDs, greater involvement in church, etc. Anyhow, payday loans are popping up all over the place again and so are cut off straws (something new). I've been in the codependent mode for a week or so - back to looking for any and evey piece of possible evidence, etc. When I went to the counselor yesterday I just put it all on her desk, told her what I'd been doing and asked her to help me sort it out because I've reverted to my old behaviors and was on the verge of a panic attack. Granted, this was after finding out last week that he'd lied to me about having +3 clean drug screens - per the counselor, he hasn't had but two...the initial screen on January 26 (cocaine showed up) and one on March 1 (clean)! What is up with THAT?! He hasn't been to a meeting in so very long, but I've stayed out of it...until a couple of weeks ago when I started my codependant reporting to her. Oh, those Goody's sleep aids are everywhere, too. Anyhow, we have a session with the counselor tonight and, while I know it is warranted, I am back to my old self - SCARED to death...she's going to confront him and ask if he's serious about recovery, if it is what he really wants, etc. etc. You know I'll get the fall out. Our lives have reverted to a time of angst, frustration, tension, fear, etc. etc. I'm asking for your support and prayers!!!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
You might spend some time thinking about your boundaries... what are your limits, and how you want the rest of your life to look.
You deserve happiness... joy... and freedom from worry.
Add my prayers, as well.
You deserve happiness... joy... and freedom from worry.
Add my prayers, as well.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I know what it's like to have everything just kind of slip away after you have worked so hard. it's disheartening. It worries me a bit that you are so scared. Does he hurt you? Please watch out for yourself.
krhea
krhea
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Wking2change)))))))))
Not sure if we've met. I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo addicted son.
Just wanted to add my welcome and prayers for you and your husband.
Try to focus more on you now. Take care of your business and leave him to his.
I know it's hard, but it can be done with recovery.
I've been codependent most of my life.
Up until 2 years ago, I thought helping others and trying to fix everyone was normal.
lol
Alot to learn. lol
Keep coming back, finding face to face meetings, reading literature on addiction, recovery, and codependency.
Your among friends.
Hugs and prayers,
Linda
Not sure if we've met. I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo addicted son.
Just wanted to add my welcome and prayers for you and your husband.
Try to focus more on you now. Take care of your business and leave him to his.
I know it's hard, but it can be done with recovery.
I've been codependent most of my life.
Up until 2 years ago, I thought helping others and trying to fix everyone was normal.
lol
Alot to learn. lol
Keep coming back, finding face to face meetings, reading literature on addiction, recovery, and codependency.
Your among friends.
Hugs and prayers,
Linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: From moment to moment, only God really knows
Posts: 35
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers - even though I didn't get to read your messages prior to the meeting, I truly FELT your support and it helped a lot.
I was scared (for many reasons, but this is a short list)...
-because the counselor was thinking of putting everything I found in front of my husband and confronting him.
-of the likely response - relapse.
-that things may be worse than I even imagined (i.e. more payday loans than I'd already discovered, that some dealer he supposedly paid off was still around, that he would walk out and just quit - everything but drugs, that is).
-because, while my husband doesn't put his hands on me, he does everything BUT that - and yes, his words and actions cut like a knife...he knows it and I'm still not well enough to not let them.
-of the likely fallout after the meeting.
-of his anger - which is quite intimidating, to say the least - during and after the meeting.
-of what I was going to have to consider - at the beginning of this, 6 months ago, I'd told him that there would be no more chances...was I really going to have to, or SHOULD I (primarily because we have a 7 and 10 year old), "say what I mean and mean what I say" and "put him out?"
-of the realization that I still have A LOT of work to do myself - at the first sign of trouble, I reverted to the behaviors, responses etc. that I've been trying to stay away from and be healed of!
At the meeting, my husband maintained that he is clean and sober - test him, he said, he didn't care. He said that he didn't remember telling me that he'd had +3 clean screens with the counselor. He explained that there was an urgent need for the payday loans - the people the dealer (that he says he doesn't associate with anymore) works for were going to shoot him because, being June 1, it had taken too long for him to pay for what he'd bought in January (hence, an $1100 dollar bill went to $1400). He said that the cut off straws were for picking his teeth. He said that he is not controlling the household money or skimming from the fundraising money we're responsible for. He said that he doesn't understand why I've been afraid to let him take the kids and do anything. He said that he's sick of being treated like a little kid. At first he said that he didn't want to go to counseling anymore and that he maybe goes to one meeting a week - he just doesn't have time and wants to go because he chooses to, not because he feels like he has to. The meeting lasted for two hours. And please know that I, too, was being addressed about a lot of things - like behaving, as the counselor put it, like a POW. In the end, he had a drug screen and agreed to keep seeing the counselor - both as an individual and as a couple...praise GOD.
A friend just asked me why my husband rubs his mouth - says she's just noticed how he'll reach his hand up and just rub his mouth, and several times whenever talking with him or when he's speaking. It made me think of the fact that he grinds his teeth all the time - you can be in a room with him or riding in a car and can hear him just grinding away. He's always sucked his tongue. Are these behaviors indicative of cocaine use?
Wallowing in co-dependency, I think I'm off to find a meeting...today will be a better day.
Bless you all - and thank you.
I was scared (for many reasons, but this is a short list)...
-because the counselor was thinking of putting everything I found in front of my husband and confronting him.
-of the likely response - relapse.
-that things may be worse than I even imagined (i.e. more payday loans than I'd already discovered, that some dealer he supposedly paid off was still around, that he would walk out and just quit - everything but drugs, that is).
-because, while my husband doesn't put his hands on me, he does everything BUT that - and yes, his words and actions cut like a knife...he knows it and I'm still not well enough to not let them.
-of the likely fallout after the meeting.
-of his anger - which is quite intimidating, to say the least - during and after the meeting.
-of what I was going to have to consider - at the beginning of this, 6 months ago, I'd told him that there would be no more chances...was I really going to have to, or SHOULD I (primarily because we have a 7 and 10 year old), "say what I mean and mean what I say" and "put him out?"
-of the realization that I still have A LOT of work to do myself - at the first sign of trouble, I reverted to the behaviors, responses etc. that I've been trying to stay away from and be healed of!
At the meeting, my husband maintained that he is clean and sober - test him, he said, he didn't care. He said that he didn't remember telling me that he'd had +3 clean screens with the counselor. He explained that there was an urgent need for the payday loans - the people the dealer (that he says he doesn't associate with anymore) works for were going to shoot him because, being June 1, it had taken too long for him to pay for what he'd bought in January (hence, an $1100 dollar bill went to $1400). He said that the cut off straws were for picking his teeth. He said that he is not controlling the household money or skimming from the fundraising money we're responsible for. He said that he doesn't understand why I've been afraid to let him take the kids and do anything. He said that he's sick of being treated like a little kid. At first he said that he didn't want to go to counseling anymore and that he maybe goes to one meeting a week - he just doesn't have time and wants to go because he chooses to, not because he feels like he has to. The meeting lasted for two hours. And please know that I, too, was being addressed about a lot of things - like behaving, as the counselor put it, like a POW. In the end, he had a drug screen and agreed to keep seeing the counselor - both as an individual and as a couple...praise GOD.
A friend just asked me why my husband rubs his mouth - says she's just noticed how he'll reach his hand up and just rub his mouth, and several times whenever talking with him or when he's speaking. It made me think of the fact that he grinds his teeth all the time - you can be in a room with him or riding in a car and can hear him just grinding away. He's always sucked his tongue. Are these behaviors indicative of cocaine use?
Wallowing in co-dependency, I think I'm off to find a meeting...today will be a better day.
Bless you all - and thank you.
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