Need Help With A Decision

Old 07-26-2007, 06:29 AM
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Need Help With A Decision

I haven't posted to the group in a while as my AS was in jail & I had blocked any calls from him. I found out he was given immediate parole & then he had people calling me asking me to give my address when parole called. I wrote him a very short letter & told him absolutely not. Well this am the phone rang & it was my son. He was given work release. He didn't mention anything about me not giving my address but asked me to please come to work release & give him a ride to his friends house to get his clothes.
Now first of all I live very far from work release. It is at least a 65 mile ride on way. If I go & do this for him it will mean driving 130 miles round trip. My husband & the rest of my family would be furious with me as I have had 8 bk surgeries, the last one being a Spinal Revision 2 yrs ago this past June. I am nalot better than I have been in 20 yrs but a drive like that is still very hard on me. A friend of mine just called & when I told her she said why can't his friend drop his clothes off for him.
I thought that was a much better idea since his friend only lives a short distance away. I didn't have time to really talk to him as the phones at wk release are messed up & both times he called we were disconnected.
I know I probably should just tell him no but I feel bad for him.

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Old 07-26-2007, 06:50 AM
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Personally, I would be very leary about giving someone in his situation a ride anywhere... I just know that every time my mom would give my sister a ride somewhere after she got out of jail, they would never end back up where ras had promised she would go (rehab, home, whereever...or if they did go where they were supposed to, it was only so she could acquire drugs right under mom's nose) I don't know much about work release, so things might be different... but I do know that if he tried to run after being released, they would have to find him before they could do anything about it, which can be very hard with an addict. Besides, if he was to dip out on going back to work release after you came and got him, is there a chance you could get in trouble as an accomplice? Or even be accused of it?

Sorry if I sound too negative, I just don't have a lot of trust for an addict who is not in active recovery. I would hate for his actions to further inhibit your recovery... it sounds like you're doing so well already, and I worry that this might be a step backwards.

Just my opinion though... and bare in mind that my addict is my sister, not my child. So my perspective may be a little different.

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 07-26-2007, 06:50 AM
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Tell him no and do something nice for yourself. Suggest his friend dropping the clothes off and then change the subject (especially if he starts talking about why that won't work).

Tell him you simply do not feel well enough to do this. Period.

Take care of you!
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Old 07-26-2007, 06:54 AM
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I agree. Remember NO is a complete sentence. Diane, you have to stop feeling sorry for a grown man that continues to make bad decisions. Let him find another way to get help. I am sure with all the inovative ways he used in the past to get drugs, he can come up with his own solution. You know that I am saying this because I care about you and your health is more important than your son getting a few clothes. It is in the struggle that we learn strength. Let him learn. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-26-2007, 06:55 AM
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Dear Lady & Elana, Thanx!!! I had just about decided not to do it. Reading your posts helped.
Elana, I know it would be too much for me & he is 40 yrs old. He never calls & asks me when he is going to use etc, let him handle his own life, thats the only way he will ever learn anything. I KNOW he will find another way & I am not going to let guilt lead me to do something I know I shoudn't & there are alot of reasons I shouldn't.

Thanks for the help,
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Old 07-26-2007, 07:58 AM
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He keeps calling me.............why do they do this to us, can't they take no for an answer???
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Old 07-26-2007, 08:14 AM
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I'm HOME!!!!!
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You are absolutely right!!! He sure didn't call when he was lookin to use. He will find a way!! It would be different if it was a short distance away, but c'mon!! He's 40?? Time to fly!!
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Old 07-26-2007, 08:27 AM
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rozied, our addict just can not accept the fact that we are changing.when my a.s. gets on his rolls & tries to make me feel guilty about something i just hang up. i try to tell him that he is running my pressure up & if he keeps on thats it.the first few times it was hard but i can do it like a pro now. it just take pratice like telling them no in the first place.prayers for u & your son.
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Old 07-26-2007, 08:47 AM
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Thanx Hope, Marle, and NotSleeping,
Marle I know you care & thats why you take the time to answer my posts & give me your best advice. When I ask for help I never get annoyed or angry when someone gives me time & their best advice.
I DON'T know why I let it bother me. He has been using for 20yrs & going in & out of jail for the last 6.
Everyone in our family has bent over backwards to help him so many times I have lost count.
I am just so sick of it. He never " needs " us when he's doing wrong, then he has " friends " and a way to do what he wants. It is only after he gets himself into trouble that he starts wanting his family.

I just wonder whats wrong with me & why I continue to feel bad for him ?
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Old 07-26-2007, 08:54 AM
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No is a very big gift to him... an opportunity to figure stuff out for himself.

Don't steal that away.

Said with all the love of a mom who struggled/struggles with this all the time.

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Old 07-26-2007, 08:59 AM
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Thank you Bg Sis, Thats a great way to look at it & does make it easier for me.

Hugs from one mom to another.
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Old 07-26-2007, 09:02 AM
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I agree-do not pick him up!!!!! You will hurt yourself and your emotions. I think we will always feel bad for the addicts in our lives, wanting to do more but realizing the best thing to do is nothing. Hardest thing I have ever done-just learning. After amini-strokes-a small heart attack-gots to take care of me. You need to take care of YOU first. They have their friends-let their friends do it. Prayers for you.
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Old 07-26-2007, 09:12 AM
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Please take care of yourself. If you drive to him you will be hurting again. You want to do it because no matter what you still love your son and you want to help. That is what moms do. I know I still want to help my son too.
Your best gift to him now will be to let him learn and help himself right now. And the best gift to yourself is to take care of YOU!!!
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Old 07-26-2007, 09:15 AM
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Thanx MomsRainbow,
I just started a new thread cuz I told him NO & felt good doing it. I am always such a coward afraid to hurt him or of feeling guilty for not helping him.
BigSis said telling him no was the best gift I could give him & you know it is & it helped me do what I had to do.
Thanks to everyone again.

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Old 07-26-2007, 09:16 AM
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Thanx Pam, I did tell him NO & feel really good.

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Old 07-26-2007, 04:28 PM
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Mine is in pre release too. They have to have their clothes in order to work.
I quit enabling my son too, all to gether when he went in this time. But, they must have clothes to work. So, I sent his clothes. I didn't have to be directly involved in anything. I just mailed them UPS and that was that.
I hope he is ready for a change. Maybe the work release will help him.
Take care Rosied
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