1st Post; boyfriend just had 1st NA meeting...I'm a mess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2
1st Post; boyfriend just had 1st NA meeting...I'm a mess
Hi everyone,
I'm hoping I can get some support from here, considering many of the people I normally go to with problems haven't been through anything like what my boyfriend and I are going through. He is addicted to hydrocodone, and because it stemmed from a misdiagnosed injury, it took me a long time to accept that he was, and him even longer.
Sunday I made him admit to stealing my prescription of vicodin (i was hit by a car) and an hour later he was at a meeting. I understand that he wants to get better and has wanted to get better for a long time, and I want to support him, but I'm so hurt right now that I have no idea how to even start supporting. I know that I need to take the focus off of him and what he has done to me and focus on how I can get better and make this stop controlling my life, but I have no idea how to do this. I'm not ready to see him or talk to him because I almost feel like I'd be saying "you stole from me for the millionth time, broke my trust just when i was starting to trust you again and made me bawl my eyes out three nights in a row but it's okay, I'm here for you, I'm here to support you" When in my head I feel entitled to his support!
I told him I need some time away from him, but really I just want to be selfish for once and make him focus on me the way I've focused my entire life on him for months. This is very unlike me in terms of personality characteristics, but I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of wanting to get even, and this feeling of wanting to punish him by not speaking with him, when it feels more like it's punishment to me.
Please help!!
I'm hoping I can get some support from here, considering many of the people I normally go to with problems haven't been through anything like what my boyfriend and I are going through. He is addicted to hydrocodone, and because it stemmed from a misdiagnosed injury, it took me a long time to accept that he was, and him even longer.
Sunday I made him admit to stealing my prescription of vicodin (i was hit by a car) and an hour later he was at a meeting. I understand that he wants to get better and has wanted to get better for a long time, and I want to support him, but I'm so hurt right now that I have no idea how to even start supporting. I know that I need to take the focus off of him and what he has done to me and focus on how I can get better and make this stop controlling my life, but I have no idea how to do this. I'm not ready to see him or talk to him because I almost feel like I'd be saying "you stole from me for the millionth time, broke my trust just when i was starting to trust you again and made me bawl my eyes out three nights in a row but it's okay, I'm here for you, I'm here to support you" When in my head I feel entitled to his support!
I told him I need some time away from him, but really I just want to be selfish for once and make him focus on me the way I've focused my entire life on him for months. This is very unlike me in terms of personality characteristics, but I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of wanting to get even, and this feeling of wanting to punish him by not speaking with him, when it feels more like it's punishment to me.
Please help!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
hcg
Welcome to SR. I am glad you found this site. It has saved my sanity many days!! Read the "stickies" at the top of the main page. There is so much information there. I saw my addict and myself on those links. In my opinion, you are not being selfish by taking care of yourself. I think that is a thought that we codies have to adjust. Take care of youself. We usually are taking care of everyone around us; now it is your time. Keep reading and posting. There is so much to learn about addiction.
Terri
Welcome to SR. I am glad you found this site. It has saved my sanity many days!! Read the "stickies" at the top of the main page. There is so much information there. I saw my addict and myself on those links. In my opinion, you are not being selfish by taking care of yourself. I think that is a thought that we codies have to adjust. Take care of youself. We usually are taking care of everyone around us; now it is your time. Keep reading and posting. There is so much to learn about addiction.
Terri
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
HCG-
Welcome. Wow I could have written you post just a few months ago. My addict is also my bf. And let me tell you if I would have known THEN what I know NOW- I would have had a completely different approach to the entire situation.
Remember this- if nothing else- his addiction is about him- NOT about the degree to which he does or does not love you. Your relationship will not make him stop - HE will stop only when he is ready and if it really is for him. The whole idea about this is that WE try to control the recovery of the addicts- because we love them and we want them to be well. Unfortunately, as I continue to learn, control is one of the biggest illusions on the planet. We are tricked into believing we are actually "doing something" by obsessing, worrying, fretting, keeping ourselves in perpetual anxiety.ll we are really doing is driving ourselves as equally as crazy as the addict and quite ironically this need to have control will eventually take control of us.
I know what you are going through. You are at a moment where you want to stomp your feet, jump up and down and shout to him, "Hello?! What about me!?! I'm STILL here. When do I get the time, attention and affection I'm holding out for?!"
As long as we keep putting up with the behavior, they will keep doing it. I held on fast and as is a saying I have read here and in Al-Anon- "Let go or be dragged." I was dragged all over this city- if not farther and now I am trying to nurse the wounds that are still stinging.
I am still to a degree where you are at right now- confused as to how to move forward. KNOWING that what I am feeling is insanity and distress over how horrible the quality of MY life has become.
It really boils down to defining what is YOURS and what is HIS to deal with.
Read the stickies at the top- especially the 'What Addicts Do' - this was a real wakeup call for me. And I didn't believe it at first- I thought, "No, not him. This man has been everything to me and has done so much for me. He is just sick and he can get well."
Yes, they can get well, but only with their initiative, on THEIR time and with themselves in mind.
It's OKAY to be selfish- in fact you're not even being selfish. Their addiction is all about them- their recovery must be all about them and the only way we can regain some sanity in our lives is by taking control of our recoveries from this rollarcoaster ride.
If you're anything like me, you may feel resentful that YOU have to pick up the pieces and he is not there to help you reconstruct. Even now I have a hard time not grumbling while I'm moving through the pain and damage that this addiction has wreaked on my life. I still sit where you are at- KNOWING in my mind that I must focus on myself but have no idea HOW to do it.
I am still new to all of this and by no means have ANY answers- all I know is that I was programmed for so long to base my emotions and my happiness on what HE was or was not doing with his recovery. Time after time I found myself even more out of control and feeling insane because I was putting my mental health in the hands of someone who was so ridiculously unwell and undeserving of having such power.
It's all about taking back YOUR power over your life and your emotions. We feel such a deep sense of betrayal. I can't tell you how MUCH TIME I spent writing this endless letters, giving advice, TRYING to get him to change and see the light when all I did was exhaust resources that I really didn't even have and depleted myself further.
My experience with "punishing" and "making them pay" is that it only hurts us. They may react for a little while saying they will change, but nothing will really change until THEY choose to change their lives themselves. I think it's common when any loved one threatens to withdraw their resources from an addict- the addict promises to shape up and agrees to a whole other laundry list of b.s. things they will turn around just so that their comfort in using is not destroyed. Its so hard to see a person whom you expected only the best from and realize what addiction has brought them down to. It's hard to see our addicts for WHO THEY ARE NOW versus who we KNOW they can be or who they once were.
For what it's worth, I am still struggling with the resentment. I often feel as though I've sacraficed so much (clearly my choice- no one put a gun to my head and asked me to stand by this man or to put my faith in him or to put up with this stuff) and he has taken everything from me- it causes me to shutdown in hopes that he will come rushing towards me apologizing and promising to make it up to me.
As scary as it is- try just for an hour to think about things with yourself in mind. In al-anon the slogan is "First things First."
I have never been big on these slogans but this one resonates well with me. The first things are the vital things to MY life- my health, responsibilities, job - at first I had to do surface things- now I am beginning to pull out the dreams and goals which take a little bit of strech but are important to put as "firsts."
You have come to an amazing place.
Welcome. Wow I could have written you post just a few months ago. My addict is also my bf. And let me tell you if I would have known THEN what I know NOW- I would have had a completely different approach to the entire situation.
Remember this- if nothing else- his addiction is about him- NOT about the degree to which he does or does not love you. Your relationship will not make him stop - HE will stop only when he is ready and if it really is for him. The whole idea about this is that WE try to control the recovery of the addicts- because we love them and we want them to be well. Unfortunately, as I continue to learn, control is one of the biggest illusions on the planet. We are tricked into believing we are actually "doing something" by obsessing, worrying, fretting, keeping ourselves in perpetual anxiety.ll we are really doing is driving ourselves as equally as crazy as the addict and quite ironically this need to have control will eventually take control of us.
I know what you are going through. You are at a moment where you want to stomp your feet, jump up and down and shout to him, "Hello?! What about me!?! I'm STILL here. When do I get the time, attention and affection I'm holding out for?!"
As long as we keep putting up with the behavior, they will keep doing it. I held on fast and as is a saying I have read here and in Al-Anon- "Let go or be dragged." I was dragged all over this city- if not farther and now I am trying to nurse the wounds that are still stinging.
I am still to a degree where you are at right now- confused as to how to move forward. KNOWING that what I am feeling is insanity and distress over how horrible the quality of MY life has become.
It really boils down to defining what is YOURS and what is HIS to deal with.
Read the stickies at the top- especially the 'What Addicts Do' - this was a real wakeup call for me. And I didn't believe it at first- I thought, "No, not him. This man has been everything to me and has done so much for me. He is just sick and he can get well."
Yes, they can get well, but only with their initiative, on THEIR time and with themselves in mind.
It's OKAY to be selfish- in fact you're not even being selfish. Their addiction is all about them- their recovery must be all about them and the only way we can regain some sanity in our lives is by taking control of our recoveries from this rollarcoaster ride.
If you're anything like me, you may feel resentful that YOU have to pick up the pieces and he is not there to help you reconstruct. Even now I have a hard time not grumbling while I'm moving through the pain and damage that this addiction has wreaked on my life. I still sit where you are at- KNOWING in my mind that I must focus on myself but have no idea HOW to do it.
I am still new to all of this and by no means have ANY answers- all I know is that I was programmed for so long to base my emotions and my happiness on what HE was or was not doing with his recovery. Time after time I found myself even more out of control and feeling insane because I was putting my mental health in the hands of someone who was so ridiculously unwell and undeserving of having such power.
It's all about taking back YOUR power over your life and your emotions. We feel such a deep sense of betrayal. I can't tell you how MUCH TIME I spent writing this endless letters, giving advice, TRYING to get him to change and see the light when all I did was exhaust resources that I really didn't even have and depleted myself further.
My experience with "punishing" and "making them pay" is that it only hurts us. They may react for a little while saying they will change, but nothing will really change until THEY choose to change their lives themselves. I think it's common when any loved one threatens to withdraw their resources from an addict- the addict promises to shape up and agrees to a whole other laundry list of b.s. things they will turn around just so that their comfort in using is not destroyed. Its so hard to see a person whom you expected only the best from and realize what addiction has brought them down to. It's hard to see our addicts for WHO THEY ARE NOW versus who we KNOW they can be or who they once were.
For what it's worth, I am still struggling with the resentment. I often feel as though I've sacraficed so much (clearly my choice- no one put a gun to my head and asked me to stand by this man or to put my faith in him or to put up with this stuff) and he has taken everything from me- it causes me to shutdown in hopes that he will come rushing towards me apologizing and promising to make it up to me.
As scary as it is- try just for an hour to think about things with yourself in mind. In al-anon the slogan is "First things First."
I have never been big on these slogans but this one resonates well with me. The first things are the vital things to MY life- my health, responsibilities, job - at first I had to do surface things- now I am beginning to pull out the dreams and goals which take a little bit of strech but are important to put as "firsts."
You have come to an amazing place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2
Heather,
Oh my gosh, THANK YOU! It's so amazing to find that there are a million other people that are sharing feelings almost the exact same as mine, even when our situations are so different. The stickies at the top really, really have helped too. Tonight I am attending my first NA meeting. This resentment is so difficult, and right now the most difficult thing for me is looking back on our relationship and feeling so many "should'ves" when I think about situations we were in, and feeling like I enabled for so long when I knew better. It was like "it's only $5, if I don't give him it he can't take the bus to get home and it will be all my fault" and I know, and I knew, that it never was my fault! But sometimes logic and rationale go by the wayside in these situations I guess.
Again, I can't thank you enough for your long and thoughtful reply. It really helps to know I have support even from someone I've never met.
Now I'm just at that crossroads of whether or not it's worth making this relationship work. Two months ago I just finished twice a week therapy and was feeling like a superwoman, and now that I look on my relationship with my bf I'm thinking there was SO MUCH that I was turning a blind eye to while in therapy, that we never even talked about. So the question is, if I am so codependent on having his problems around to worry about so that I don't have to worry about my own, was our relationship ever really healthy? As I have gotten healthier emotionally, i need my relationships to be healthy as well, and it's a tough call to decide if I want to stay in this relationship because I'm in love with my bf or because he's my best friend and basically my life and changing that would be so difficult.
I never knew it'd be this hard! Never, ever, ever! Heather thank you again, and I will most definitely pay your kindness forward.
Hannah
Oh my gosh, THANK YOU! It's so amazing to find that there are a million other people that are sharing feelings almost the exact same as mine, even when our situations are so different. The stickies at the top really, really have helped too. Tonight I am attending my first NA meeting. This resentment is so difficult, and right now the most difficult thing for me is looking back on our relationship and feeling so many "should'ves" when I think about situations we were in, and feeling like I enabled for so long when I knew better. It was like "it's only $5, if I don't give him it he can't take the bus to get home and it will be all my fault" and I know, and I knew, that it never was my fault! But sometimes logic and rationale go by the wayside in these situations I guess.
Again, I can't thank you enough for your long and thoughtful reply. It really helps to know I have support even from someone I've never met.
Now I'm just at that crossroads of whether or not it's worth making this relationship work. Two months ago I just finished twice a week therapy and was feeling like a superwoman, and now that I look on my relationship with my bf I'm thinking there was SO MUCH that I was turning a blind eye to while in therapy, that we never even talked about. So the question is, if I am so codependent on having his problems around to worry about so that I don't have to worry about my own, was our relationship ever really healthy? As I have gotten healthier emotionally, i need my relationships to be healthy as well, and it's a tough call to decide if I want to stay in this relationship because I'm in love with my bf or because he's my best friend and basically my life and changing that would be so difficult.
I never knew it'd be this hard! Never, ever, ever! Heather thank you again, and I will most definitely pay your kindness forward.
Hannah
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Hi,
Welcome and sorry foryour pain. Please try AlAnon or NarAnon along with NA or AA, which focuses more on the addict where Alanon/Naranon focuses on the LOVED ONES.
I do understand how you feel about feeling entitled and angry. I often feel like I shouldn't be the one who has to deal with it all alone. The addict in my life is my husband (in rehab for the millionth time) and we have a three and half year old together. I wish I could force my husband into feeling terrible or understanding what he put me through...BUT I need to realize it's not personal. It's addiction. When I really look inside myself, I know my AH didn't "do" anything to ME. I stayed, my choice, and now I deal with the consequences.
It still hurts tho! I would encourage you to take some time to figure out what you would like to do. I know that my head is much clearer when my AH is not around for awhile. You see,he is like my drug and when I am "clean" from him I can start thinking clearly again.
Stick around and again, welcome!
Welcome and sorry foryour pain. Please try AlAnon or NarAnon along with NA or AA, which focuses more on the addict where Alanon/Naranon focuses on the LOVED ONES.
I do understand how you feel about feeling entitled and angry. I often feel like I shouldn't be the one who has to deal with it all alone. The addict in my life is my husband (in rehab for the millionth time) and we have a three and half year old together. I wish I could force my husband into feeling terrible or understanding what he put me through...BUT I need to realize it's not personal. It's addiction. When I really look inside myself, I know my AH didn't "do" anything to ME. I stayed, my choice, and now I deal with the consequences.
It still hurts tho! I would encourage you to take some time to figure out what you would like to do. I know that my head is much clearer when my AH is not around for awhile. You see,he is like my drug and when I am "clean" from him I can start thinking clearly again.
Stick around and again, welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i want to welcome you to S.R.the adict in my life is my son. it is with baby steps that i took to let go of my son.i love him very much but i had to let go & give him to my H.P. read all the post others have written here in the forum.there is nothing you can do to make your b.f. stay clean.looking after you & taking care of you is recovery for yourself. when you learn to do that you will be ok.saying a prayer for you & your b.f. keep coming back.
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