I feel like I am sinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I feel like I am sinking
I am having such a hard time with what my daughter revealed to me the other day about sexual abuse. I now know that is what triggered her drug abuse. She was only 13 and I am reliving all of her emotional problems and I could just cry my eyes out for her. She is in jail right now and I just want to get her to the right sources to help her with the abuse issues. She has been self-destructing since she was little. I can only hope that since she shared her deepest secret with me that it will help her to heal. I am having so much trouble separating the addiction from the little lost girl. I know I have to stand firm on the addiction, but since I know why it is so hard for me. I know that no matter what has hurt her in her past I still cannot accept the addiction or be a part of it. I need some advise on this. Any thoughts or words would help. I really feel like I am sinking into depression. This is the worst thing I've had to endure, and I just don't know how to do this. I have been in touch with the victims of violent crimes and I have an appointment next Tuesday. I couldn't even go to work on Monday and not so sure about tomorrow. I was told by the therapist at the VFVC that most often when you are sexually abused at a young age it usually surfaces when you are in your early twenties. I can't eat, I can't sleep
without a tylenol pm. I just feel like I died inside.
Lo
without a tylenol pm. I just feel like I died inside.
Lo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending some hugs. One in four women are abused sometime in their lives. Yet one in four do not become addicts. It is okay to feel sorry for the little girl that was sexually abused but your daughter is not that little girl anymore. She is grown and responsible for herself. Maybe she is not ready for help. You could find a good therapist, a good rehab, the best care available and unless she is ready to dig deep and uncover those wounds and deal with them, she will not recover. Be very careful here. There is a difference between being a helper (offering emotional support) and being an enabler (doing for her what she needs to do for herself). Sending you some hugs because I can see you are in a lot of pain with this. It is wise that you are seeing someone that you can talk to. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 14
Ohh, I am so sorry for your and your daughter. I was sexually abused also, I didn't start really feeling the effects of it until I was almost 30, and that is when I started driniking more than normal. Just hang in there and maybe instead of feeeling dead inside, which I can totally relate to right now, try to put energy into doing what you can when she gets out of jail (??) ((((wish you the best)))).
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lobo))
hate you are feeling so overwhelmed with all these emotions - it must be very difficult. Can you journal about it?
I'm sure you will get some wonderful suggestions on how to help you deal with all this in counseling, but until then can you just write down what your feeling to try to keep it from turning around in your mind?
Although I have never been thru this type of situation, when my thoughts are consumed by the whereabouts of my A's and what is happening to them, sometimes it helps to put those feelings to pen and paper and then give them to my HP to hold until I know what is the next step for me.
Sending out prayers and good thoughts for you & your daughter,
Rita
hate you are feeling so overwhelmed with all these emotions - it must be very difficult. Can you journal about it?
I'm sure you will get some wonderful suggestions on how to help you deal with all this in counseling, but until then can you just write down what your feeling to try to keep it from turning around in your mind?
Although I have never been thru this type of situation, when my thoughts are consumed by the whereabouts of my A's and what is happening to them, sometimes it helps to put those feelings to pen and paper and then give them to my HP to hold until I know what is the next step for me.
Sending out prayers and good thoughts for you & your daughter,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
You have to channell the feelings. You were not responsible, no matter what and didnt know. She can still pick herself up if she talks to counselors and really wants it. My step brothers were both sexually abused by their previous step parent, 1 is a recovering addict, one doesnt touch a substance. My little sister too was abused in that way and she refuses to touch a substance, everyone reacts differently but it can be over come
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Lobo,
I'm not trying to sound harsh, because I know the pain of sexual abuse all too well... but, at the same time, just like others have said, not everyone who is abused becomes an addict. So, while that may have something to do with her experimenting, I'm not sure that the abuse was entirely to blame. How much longer does she have to stay in jail? If she gets out of jail and goes into a rehab situation, she'll probably get the counseling she needs for the abuse as well while there. Most (if not all) reputable facilities have therapists on staff who help the addicts to get to the base of their issues, whatever they may be. If they don't feel like they are equipped to take care of the sexual abuse, they should at least be able to recommend someone who could and might even take her to see them, depending on where she stays.
I am so glad that she is close enough to you to be able to tell you what happened. That says a lot to me about her relationship with you. I hope and pray that you get the help you need, as well as her...
*hugs and prayers to you both*
I'm not trying to sound harsh, because I know the pain of sexual abuse all too well... but, at the same time, just like others have said, not everyone who is abused becomes an addict. So, while that may have something to do with her experimenting, I'm not sure that the abuse was entirely to blame. How much longer does she have to stay in jail? If she gets out of jail and goes into a rehab situation, she'll probably get the counseling she needs for the abuse as well while there. Most (if not all) reputable facilities have therapists on staff who help the addicts to get to the base of their issues, whatever they may be. If they don't feel like they are equipped to take care of the sexual abuse, they should at least be able to recommend someone who could and might even take her to see them, depending on where she stays.
I am so glad that she is close enough to you to be able to tell you what happened. That says a lot to me about her relationship with you. I hope and pray that you get the help you need, as well as her...
*hugs and prayers to you both*
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I think it's great you are trying to look and find a way to understand her self harm and destructive ways, I've heard many times after someone ends up hearing something the same reaction, well that still doesn't give them the excuse to....
I didn't do it, and my brothers sisters friend was and she didn't, etc. etc. etc. So that's no excuse for them.
When I don't really think they asked for an excuse and they are unique to themselves. One person trying to understand can make a huge difference.
Her abuse was her abuse and no one else's just because Joe Blo didn't self harm or do drugs doesn't make her any worse for doing them, that's just how she coped.
Like the others said, be careful about how caught up you get in it, take
care of you first, and try not to blame yourself, that won't help. Be strong
for her and like you are doing guide her to the necessary resources.
Some of us have talked about a book here and read it, if you haven't yet,
you should read it, it's called, Come Back.
It may help you separate the child, the self destruction, and the abuse.
(((Lobo)))
I didn't do it, and my brothers sisters friend was and she didn't, etc. etc. etc. So that's no excuse for them.
When I don't really think they asked for an excuse and they are unique to themselves. One person trying to understand can make a huge difference.
Her abuse was her abuse and no one else's just because Joe Blo didn't self harm or do drugs doesn't make her any worse for doing them, that's just how she coped.
Like the others said, be careful about how caught up you get in it, take
care of you first, and try not to blame yourself, that won't help. Be strong
for her and like you are doing guide her to the necessary resources.
Some of us have talked about a book here and read it, if you haven't yet,
you should read it, it's called, Come Back.
It may help you separate the child, the self destruction, and the abuse.
(((Lobo)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Friends, Thank you all for your words of wisdom and concern. Thanks to those who sent prayers and love. You know this is really a rough time for me. I got a lot out of the things you are all saying.
Marle..........I really am being careful to separate the two issues. No matter what has happened in her past she cannot continue to self destruct. And I can't put up with the addiction. I have said those exact words to her.
Lady............Yes, when she gets out of jail I was told that she will be sent to rehab for 30 days, then a half way house, then a 3/4 house. She will be gone for a really long time. She will be taught to cope and have a job, and learn to live like most of us do. That is what Forencis told me they want to see happen. It's all up to the court at the hearing. They told me they will all be working toward that being the court order. I have never had to deal with our county jail before, but I will tell you those people really communicated with me. Her hearing is Aug 2.
Thank you Lady for your words of wisdom.
Japic............I don't journal, but I get a lot out of typing to my SR friends.
Cinderella......You are right, I do have to channel my feelings. I know I am not responsible, it's just hard for a mom when we aren't able to protect our kids for something so awful.
Helga........I'm so sorry you had the same terrible experience. I was told it usually only comes out later in life. I'm glad you got a hold of it when you did. You understand my feeling dead inside.......sorry you feel the same.
Bless your heart.
Love and a big thanks for you support.........Lois
Marle..........I really am being careful to separate the two issues. No matter what has happened in her past she cannot continue to self destruct. And I can't put up with the addiction. I have said those exact words to her.
Lady............Yes, when she gets out of jail I was told that she will be sent to rehab for 30 days, then a half way house, then a 3/4 house. She will be gone for a really long time. She will be taught to cope and have a job, and learn to live like most of us do. That is what Forencis told me they want to see happen. It's all up to the court at the hearing. They told me they will all be working toward that being the court order. I have never had to deal with our county jail before, but I will tell you those people really communicated with me. Her hearing is Aug 2.
Thank you Lady for your words of wisdom.
Japic............I don't journal, but I get a lot out of typing to my SR friends.
Cinderella......You are right, I do have to channel my feelings. I know I am not responsible, it's just hard for a mom when we aren't able to protect our kids for something so awful.
Helga........I'm so sorry you had the same terrible experience. I was told it usually only comes out later in life. I'm glad you got a hold of it when you did. You understand my feeling dead inside.......sorry you feel the same.
Bless your heart.
Love and a big thanks for you support.........Lois
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Lobo))
I know what you are feeling. I was a victim of sexual abuse from the age of 4 up. It's part of my very first memories. My own daughter admitted that my husband abused her at the age of 13. Then just recently when she turned 18, she went through a horrible experience with a date rape drug.
All I wanted to do was hold her and make it all better. I felt helpless, I felt responsible for not seeing the signs when Mike was abusing her. After all, being a survivor of the very same thing, you would think I would see it. I felt guilt, horror, fear, sadness and an increadible desire to hurt someone over it all. My anger almost consumed me. I visualized in my head, all the horrible things that had happened to my little baby.
I can't change what happened to her. Just as I can't change what happened to me. I can beat myself up for it, or I can pray about it and hand it over to my HP. I can be there for her when she needs to talk. I can help her get counceling when she decides she is ready for it. I can open up to her and share my own coping experiences. At least I can let her know what my consequences were for how I coped with it.
For yourself, I strongly recommend you get some counceling, start now, while she is still in jail. That way, when she gets out, you have a professional helping you cope with this and helping you to balance it all with her addiction.
My heart goes out to you and her.
Hugs and Prayers
B
I know what you are feeling. I was a victim of sexual abuse from the age of 4 up. It's part of my very first memories. My own daughter admitted that my husband abused her at the age of 13. Then just recently when she turned 18, she went through a horrible experience with a date rape drug.
All I wanted to do was hold her and make it all better. I felt helpless, I felt responsible for not seeing the signs when Mike was abusing her. After all, being a survivor of the very same thing, you would think I would see it. I felt guilt, horror, fear, sadness and an increadible desire to hurt someone over it all. My anger almost consumed me. I visualized in my head, all the horrible things that had happened to my little baby.
I can't change what happened to her. Just as I can't change what happened to me. I can beat myself up for it, or I can pray about it and hand it over to my HP. I can be there for her when she needs to talk. I can help her get counceling when she decides she is ready for it. I can open up to her and share my own coping experiences. At least I can let her know what my consequences were for how I coped with it.
For yourself, I strongly recommend you get some counceling, start now, while she is still in jail. That way, when she gets out, you have a professional helping you cope with this and helping you to balance it all with her addiction.
My heart goes out to you and her.
Hugs and Prayers
B
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Lo, Thats just awful.
I'm so sorry.
Know you & your daughter are in my thoughts & prayers. There is a very large percentage of drug users that were sexually abused or assualted whn they were young.....................I believe that is the case with my SA but as yet he hasn't admitted it.
Hugs To You Lo,
Diane
I'm so sorry.
Know you & your daughter are in my thoughts & prayers. There is a very large percentage of drug users that were sexually abused or assualted whn they were young.....................I believe that is the case with my SA but as yet he hasn't admitted it.
Hugs To You Lo,
Diane
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