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Old 07-25-2007, 06:21 AM
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No words Left

I have not been here a lot. I am just so tired lately.

I have zero patience these days with people and have made a few personal decisions that may or may not be recovery.

One decision I have made is NO more men. I don't want to date. I don't want to go out. I don't want anyone special in my life. I feel so done with all this and I don't want to work on it or go there or do all the CRAP I have to do to make any of this work for me. There may be decent single men out there my age or interested in me, but I don't know any or how to meet them and, more importantly, don't want to. I don't want to go down the road of trust again. I just find this decision is such a relief. If I am asked out, the answer is already formed. NO (and it is a complete sentence). I don't care who you are.. the answer is NO and NO I don't trust you.

There are things I would enjoy doing (like taking my Dad's canoe and going camping), but if any of those things (like portaging the canoe down to a lake) take two people, I actully feel my stomach turn. Nope. Rather avoid it than find someone to come along. I am out of words, out of conversation and out of energy to make or have conversation.

I find I am out of patience with addiction. Perhaps I am out of compassion as well. I just cannot go there anymore.

I am sorry for those who are suffering still with Addicts in their lives. I can only suggest recovery for you.. Nar Anon, AlAnon, this site and a LOT of self work. I wish you well in your struggles and I was once there so I understand. I also understand that recovery is set by your own pace and needs...

However, don't stay in one spot too long or you WILL go backward and, if you find you cannot go forward, you may need to totally cut off all contact with the addict... for months or even years... and work on YOU.

If you see me less around here it isn't because I am not reading but because I just cannot respond with understanding or patience (especially for the addict). I am out of words these days.
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Old 07-25-2007, 07:30 AM
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Take care of yourself so that you feel well. I understand how you feel.
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Old 07-25-2007, 07:34 AM
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I understand Elana...too well I think.

I feel like I have been surrounded lately by negativity and distress far too much. Its hard to find the good in life when those around you are comfortable dwelling in the bad. I haven't figured out that comfy spot yet that allows me to interact with those I care about, without thier "stuff" worming into my brain, but I will, in time.

I just came off a weeks vacation, with all you need for R&R (all on my dime) and it seemed EVERY person there packed thier problems to spend the week with us. Geez.

I don't want to isolate, but then again, a little time spent with "just me" may be the answer.

Never say never Elana...maybe just not at this time. If its all on your terms, things will work out just as they were intended.

Happy to have you reading around

(((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 07-25-2007, 07:40 AM
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Elana
Prayers for you to have peace in your heart. I too have isolated myself from negative people. I just don't want to hear their crap anymore. I have also turned away from people whose major problem of the day is which lipstick to buy. I don't know, I too have found myself less patient with certain people. I am working on me.
HUGS
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Old 07-25-2007, 07:54 AM
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Sometimes, these decisions are a way to move on to the NEXT great thing!!


I hope it makes itself apparent to you, soon, Elana. And wish you the very best.... (((Hugs)))
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Old 07-25-2007, 08:09 AM
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I wish you the best too, Elana.
Sounds like you know exactly where your going and what your doing.
Some of us are still "in" it, I'm afraid, but the truth is....
I've come a long way, baby, and I intend to go further.
What do you do when life hands you lemons?
Why, make lemon squares, of course.
I prefer those to lemonade. lol
Your in my thoughts and I hope you can reach a point in your life that you don't have so much hate and bitterness towards addicts.
Cause if you think they enjoy addiction...they don't.
Doesn't mean I'm excusing the behavior. I guess I just deal with it differently.
That's just my opinion. No offense to you.
Hugs,
Linda
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Old 07-25-2007, 09:16 AM
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I understand where you are. I often get on my podium and go off about society and all the things wrong with it. I find myself sickened by it daily. I don't watch the news anymore, too depressing. I hate the government, the biggest drug pusher there is. It seems like the people who have the power to change things only want to change how much $ goes in their pockets. I know there are decent people out there but they just seem harder to find these days. (except for here)
I hope I don't sound too harsh, everyone that knows me always asks how I can seem so happy and upbeat all the time (if they only knew how I was really feeling inside)

Linda
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Old 07-25-2007, 10:13 AM
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I understand all too well! However, I think your posts are great and see things from all sides. Today I am out or compassion, empathy, patience, love, caring, EVERYTHING. I am numb, lost, and dead inside!
take care of yourself, I am trying to do the same.
susan
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Old 07-25-2007, 10:22 AM
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Elana, Many times I have started to reply to a post only to delete it. I find that nowadays I mostly post to parents and for prayers because that is what I understand. Hugs to you and do come back from time to time and show us your latest pictures. Marle
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Old 07-25-2007, 10:23 AM
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Peace to you, Elana. I wish you well in your determined effort to move on.

I appreciate your warning about not staying in one spot too long . . . I am trying to keep moving forward.
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Old 07-25-2007, 02:39 PM
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Thanks for your responses.
Bookmiser: I just want to clarify.. I don't hate addicts.. I just think they have made their choices and I want nothing to do with them while they are active. I have nothing for an active addict. Nothing at all. They choose their drugs. I choose my life and how to live it w/o them or their drugs. I do not want to support them with tax dollars and I sure don't want to support them with cash. I do give to the Salvation Army.. and there is a program there for addict IF THEY CHOOSE RECOVERY.

I have chosen recovery and it is no bed of roses or easy path for me. Addicts that are active simply slow my walk and muddy my direction.

I am tired thru and thru. I have lost weight (a good thing) but there is something else going on... I need to get checked for physical issues.

I won't be gone, just not here as frequent.

This site and you all saved my life, my job and got me looking to my future and teaching me how to keep my life on track. Yes.. your directing gave me the power to keep living and to take care of myself. I will be forever grateful.

I could never abandon you all. I am just so tired and out of words.
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Old 07-25-2007, 03:03 PM
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Hey Girl, sure do understand. I delete at least half of my responses. I reread my responses and then say No, too direct, especially with people who keep posting the same thing over and over and do nothing, I get tired of the continiuos loop...but that is my problem, me, not theirs, so I try to keep my big mouth shut.

I've had burnout before, and am close to it again, I can just feel it.

I probably should delete this response too, but I will not.

Keep in touch, I will miss you, my friend.

Love,
Dolly
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Old 07-25-2007, 03:05 PM
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Elana,

As you well know, I understand perfectly.

Good to know you'll still be 'somewhere out there'

I hope you're feeling better soon, whatever it is that's going on with you physically. I'm feeling a bit worried about you.

Love,
GL
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Old 07-25-2007, 03:53 PM
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Oh my gosh Elana, it's like you're reading my mind. I have had it with addiction and the sad thing is, it seems like every man is addicted.
You are so right about the going forward thing. It's easy to get into a trap.

Hopefully for both of us, some very nice man will prove us wrong!!
Hugs,
WW
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Old 07-25-2007, 03:58 PM
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Moving on is usually a good thing. I hope you can keep your heart open!! The wider my heart the happier I am, the more vibrant I feel.Through my pain an misery I learned to really open my heart. Be careful w/ all or nothing thinking. Good luck to ya.
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Old 07-25-2007, 04:12 PM
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elana, i could have written your post. i am tired too. i understand. i think it is okay to feel this way for now.
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Old 07-25-2007, 04:14 PM
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Did you say that you are going to see your doctor? Sounds like you really need to. Stress is almost as bad for your body as the drugs are on an addicts brain.

Please take care of yourself.
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Old 07-25-2007, 05:24 PM
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I sure as heck know what you mean. sometimes I think about how open I have been with the abf, the things I told him that he threw back in my face, and how much trust I gave him and then he just abused it, and I imagine that I will never do that again, but then I think, it is not right to punish whoever that man that comes into my life next for the things the abf did to me.

at the end of the day i am the kind of person who picks myself up and ends up giving my all to a relationship. perhaps I am reckless, but, I figure when the right man comes along it will work out to my advantage.

but yeah, there are times when I think, no more boyfriends, if I am horny, I call a gigolo or buy a vibrator.
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Old 07-25-2007, 09:34 PM
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Elana....know the feeling, don't even have the right words to respond here. But I hope you do get to a doctor and get the physical thing checked. Wishing you continued peace...glad to know you are here. Hugs
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Old 07-26-2007, 05:28 AM
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((Elana))

I know that feeling. Please do get to that doctor. The weight loss is a huge red flag. Please don't isolate too much. I became a hermit for years. It reached a point that I couldn't leave the house. I didn't trust anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone and if you rang my front door bell, I would ignore it. I was in a really bad place.

Oh and by the way, I know you don't want to hear this but since you have now made the statement of not wanting anyone or dating, well........ I hate to be the one to tell you this, but NOW it's going to be all around you knocking on your door. You are going to say no so many times until you can't. ( -: It just seems to be the way the world works all the things we don't want gets thrown at us.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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