I must confess
 

I totally binged again at dinner. I know I should probably post about these kinds of things elsewhere on the forum, but I feel so much more comfortable with you guys because I feel like I know you better...

Anyways, I have found myself getting more and more depressed over the past few days. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with my endocrinologist (diabetes/ hormones doctor) to go over my dreadful lab results. I know they are dreadful because I know what a terrible job I have done lately. And I'm crying over the dumbest things... for example, a few hours ago, I wanted to tape a TV show for my husband, who was already in bed. The VCR wasn't working- apparently it crapped out in a bad storm we had the other day. I don't know why, but my mind immediately went back into, "everything I touch turns to dust" mode, and I began to cry uncontrollably. And we went to go look at a car this afternoon, but the owner gave us bad directions on how to get there, and we couldn't find it, and I was so frustrated over that, on top of my other stresses at the moment, that I went home and binged. Stupid, I know. Overdramatic, I know. But I can't stop... and now that I don't have a car, I don't know how I can possibly look for a therapist to go to, since that would require being able to commit to meeting with one at a certain time, and I have no clue when I could go.

I know I need help, but I am so scared of this appointment tomorrow, because I know I'm going to start sobbing again uncontrollably, kinda like I'm doing now, and the doctor is going to look at me like I'm crazy, and understandably so; after all, I am clearly crazy... no other explanation at this point.

Prayers would be appreciated, as always.

I love you guys!

((lady))
Give yourself a break honey. You've had a lot going on lately. I know how you feel. I've been on the freaking out end of the stick. Too much hits us all at once and it gets overwhelming.

That's how I feel every time I get into my car lol.

You're not alone. Just try and slow down.......breathe.........clear your mind and try to focus on something good.......something that pleases you or makes you smile. We're here ok??

Ya know, I was saying to Loves the other day that I wanted to start posting in the eating disorders forum (or at least i think that's what it's called) and just start journaling what I eat. Maybe a bunch of us can do it together..... help each other get through it.

Especially since I have this wedding party to be in, and I'm officially the fattest person in the wedding party!

But not like.... i lost this much weight, but more like today i ate this. Just a thought!

I'm up for it. I start my diet tomorrow. We could do this together Lady...just like never said. You don't have to go through this all by yourself.

Actually, I think that would be very helpful for me... I have thought about it too, but I didn't want to just announce to the world what I was eating and assume that anyone would care... but if others will do it with me, I think that would help me, or at least it's worth a try!

Then lets do this thing!!

Sounds great. Man, I actually feel a little better already :)

I am so lucky to have friends like you guys!

BTW, Loves, I love your signature... too funny.

sometimes i just don't have any concept of what i put in my mouth. like today, although i vowed to be good, i ate chips and combos and then had weight watchers pasta that would have been a healthy choice if i didn't eat like 4 servings of it. and then i came home and made pigs in a blanket with my son and ate a bunch of them. which is just horrible. and, i want to learn how to calculate the calories that i take in and learn how to limit that and know what i should be eating. oh, and i drank like a whole bottle of diet pepsi!

Okay, so I'll go over there and start it!

(((Lady))) - Your doctor will not think you're crazy. It's really great that you made an appointment with an endocrinologist. You may get some real answers tomorrow about this. Chemical or hormonal imbalances are very common and nothing to be ashamed about. I spent yesterday crying my eyes out. I was absolutely balling. For me, it was just hormonal changes. Not saying that's what's going on with you, but I know what it's like to have extreme emotional spikes. Don't be afraid to tell your doctor about the emotional changes and the binging. It may just be that your body chemistry is off a little and could be easily treated. I don't know a lot about clinical depression, but from what I understand, it is very common and easily treated. But it is very important that you get checked out. Good for you for doing that and taking the right steps to take care of YOU!!
HUGS

If this isn't too personal.......have you had your thyroid gland checked out? The only reason I ask, is especially in women, if something is wrong with your thyroid gland it can mess up all kinds of things. If you haven't had it looked at, that would be another appointment I would be sure to make.

Yeah, my thyroid was fine as of January. January was my first visit with this guy, and he checked just about everything that I think one can check in a blood sample... he even made me take home a huge orange jug to collect urine samples in lol... boy my husband loved that... actually he kinda did have fun making fun of me for it:)

But no, as of January, he had narrowed my problems down to insulin resistance and PCOS, which combined is almost a guaranteed ticket to type 2 diabetes if not taken care of. Who knows... Mertzie just may be right. Maybe once he gets me back on track with my meds and all things will begin to be more tolerable...

So make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life and keep a positive attitude. I know it's not always he easiest thing to do, but when you find yourself overwhelmed with anything.......too much work to do, too many thoughts running through your head....whatever it is. Stop. Stop whatever your doing, sit down, start paying attention to your breathing and try to take each thing that has you feeling like you're going to lose your mind and try to deal with them one by one. Have a little patience and faith in yourself.

After this you've got me confessing to an entire bag of donut holes, so some good is coming out of it lol.

I use FITDAY.COM to track what I eat and how many calories I burn. It can be quite startling when you see just how much you're really eating in a day... yikes! (LOL). It's not a diet plan and does not offer any nutritional advice, but it's free! They have a pretty big database of food that you can browse through categories or search by name, or you can enter custom foods. It's a little time consuming, but as you build up your custom food list it goes a little faster. You can set your own nutritional and exercise goals and track your progress. I don't know whether something like this would be beneficial or harmful for someone with an eating disorder, but I personally found it to be a helpful tool for general weight loss and meeting nutritional goals.

I get on kicks of eating the wrong foods, like pretezles for dinner, or a piece of pie...I know I should eat better, sometimes I just don't.

Then the next week, I start on the Lean Cruisens (sp) and do that for awhile, then back to the junk again.

I guess it has to do with my mood swings.

I'll also jump on the heathly eating wagon,with you guys, I need to.

sending you prayers and encouragement. k