another year
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
another year
It occurred to me that I probably should post this even though I have reservations. My RAH picked up his 2nd year chip on Saturday. I feel a lot of gratitude that things have turned out like they have. I do want to share that hope - especially to all of the parents. He started using drugs/alcohol when he was 12 years old. When he was in his early 20's he started using cocaine and then progressed to crack when he was 27. He had a twenty year bout with that demon. His mother died on July 10th of this year and it was a great blessing for her to pass on with the gift of 2 years of sobriety under his belt. She loved him through it all and was his only champion. She had done Alanon and tough love as best as she could but there was always a safety net with her that allowed him to keep using. He has said many a time that he wished that she had stopped enabling him - he might have finally stuck to sobriety sooner. She absolutely did the best that she could though - and so did he. I'm just grateful that her (almost) lifelong prayer was answered.
My reservation in posting is because how incredibly tough the last two years have been for me. I loved him with my heart and soul and willingly and knowingly (at least fairly knowingly that is) took this journey into sobriety with him. Little did I know all that I would learn about myself and how I would grow. He has remained sober but really not worked a program. The "isms" have been really tough to live with but my program has taught me about boundaries and self care. The real miracle is that I finally have learned how to take care of me and my needs and actually have real boundaries. I know that 2 years away from crack is a miracle - but honestly, I think that this is a bigger one.
This forum has been a constant and continual source of help and inspiration for me. It led me to my greatest awakening of all - a recent post spoke of abuse vs. addiction. It was with that that I began to see the reality of the emotional and verbal abuse from RAH that was destroying my soul. Neither of us were able to recognize it for what it was - I kept trying to work on acceptance and tolerance. I finally got it that acceptance does not mean approval and that taking care of myself meant setting firm boundaries. It's taken me this long to begin to figure out where the line in the sand is.
I feel blessed because RAH is willing to look at his behavior. The drugs use to numb him to the issues of life - anger, control, and irritability took over once they were gone. I was so grateful that he was sober that I absorbed a lot more CR*P than I should have or would have.....that is how I fell down that rabbit hole.
We both are undergoing a huge awakening and moving forward with all of this.....with hope and determination. We both say - look what we've made it through so far.....active addiction, picking up the white chip, combining a household with 4 little boys, getting a career back on track, weathering my family's disapproval of it all, and the death of his mother. Whew! I guess that is what gives him the guts to walk into the counselor's office and admit to the emotionally abusive behaviors/rages/tactics. I've felt the shame of not really recognizing what was happening and what I've endured. But it is with great gratitude that I finally have begun to see what I truly believe is the light. I believe that I will be fine no matter if he ever relapses or has to leave because of his behaviors.
I didn't know where this post was going to go - but I hope in some small way it will help at least one person to hear my story. I do still love him but now I can honestly say that I love me too.
With gratitude and love for each of you that posts and have ever posted.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart - Donna
My reservation in posting is because how incredibly tough the last two years have been for me. I loved him with my heart and soul and willingly and knowingly (at least fairly knowingly that is) took this journey into sobriety with him. Little did I know all that I would learn about myself and how I would grow. He has remained sober but really not worked a program. The "isms" have been really tough to live with but my program has taught me about boundaries and self care. The real miracle is that I finally have learned how to take care of me and my needs and actually have real boundaries. I know that 2 years away from crack is a miracle - but honestly, I think that this is a bigger one.
This forum has been a constant and continual source of help and inspiration for me. It led me to my greatest awakening of all - a recent post spoke of abuse vs. addiction. It was with that that I began to see the reality of the emotional and verbal abuse from RAH that was destroying my soul. Neither of us were able to recognize it for what it was - I kept trying to work on acceptance and tolerance. I finally got it that acceptance does not mean approval and that taking care of myself meant setting firm boundaries. It's taken me this long to begin to figure out where the line in the sand is.
I feel blessed because RAH is willing to look at his behavior. The drugs use to numb him to the issues of life - anger, control, and irritability took over once they were gone. I was so grateful that he was sober that I absorbed a lot more CR*P than I should have or would have.....that is how I fell down that rabbit hole.
We both are undergoing a huge awakening and moving forward with all of this.....with hope and determination. We both say - look what we've made it through so far.....active addiction, picking up the white chip, combining a household with 4 little boys, getting a career back on track, weathering my family's disapproval of it all, and the death of his mother. Whew! I guess that is what gives him the guts to walk into the counselor's office and admit to the emotionally abusive behaviors/rages/tactics. I've felt the shame of not really recognizing what was happening and what I've endured. But it is with great gratitude that I finally have begun to see what I truly believe is the light. I believe that I will be fine no matter if he ever relapses or has to leave because of his behaviors.
I didn't know where this post was going to go - but I hope in some small way it will help at least one person to hear my story. I do still love him but now I can honestly say that I love me too.
With gratitude and love for each of you that posts and have ever posted.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart - Donna
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Your post brought me to tears Donna. I'm so happy for you and your RAH. I wish there were more stories of this kind posted. It really warmed my heart. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. 
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Donna, your story of recovery proves some points: 1) Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but rather the ability to cope with it 2) recovery is a life-time process
3) Failure is not falling down, it's not getting up 4) if we live this program we can give it to others. Thank you for giving to us today.
3) Failure is not falling down, it's not getting up 4) if we live this program we can give it to others. Thank you for giving to us today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Donna, Your post brought tears to my eyes too. Thank you for sharing your hope with us. I am one of those parents who learned early in the game that not enabling and providing a safety net is what I need to do, but it is so difficult. Hopefully my daughter will not have to spend the next 20 years learning her lessons. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
thank you so much for your post.it gives me hope for my son & my grandson.i am happy his mom saw him clean & sober before she died. i am sure she died in peace.i am happy things are working for you & your husband.i hope they get better & better.sayinng prayers for you & him.hugs,
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Donna, Every time I read a post of yours, I grow. Thank you. I can't quite find the words, but I am so grateful that you have come to the realizations that you have and that you love yourself enough to not accept the unacceptable. I'm very grateful that he has the strength to see it and want to work through it with you. Your love for your family has always been evident...I'm happy to see the self love shining through as well.
Thank you so much for all the light you bring here...the hope and the honesty. Much love and many warm hugs
Thank you so much for all the light you bring here...the hope and the honesty. Much love and many warm hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((Donna)))))
Thank you so much for sharing this post with us.
The fruits of your recovery are evident in so many things you've said. You've inspired me to keep working...and growing...in recovery.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me a lift today...
Hugs...
Thank you so much for sharing this post with us.
The fruits of your recovery are evident in so many things you've said. You've inspired me to keep working...and growing...in recovery.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me a lift today...
Hugs...
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