Why am I still shocked?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
Why am I still shocked?
As posted previously, I am trying to figure out the legal logistics of dissolving my marriage to RAH whose DOC was meth. He has been clean about 2 months, which isn't long for meth since at least 95% of those who try to kick it fail. Scary odds. At any rate, I wanted to settle this nicely with a mediator and try to be fair etc., because I believed my husband was a good person with a disease he is trying to beat, despite the cheating and lying...which he says are part of his disease. (I don't buy that personally).
But today while discussing our plans while he was in town, he said he thought the children and I should move into an apt. and euthinize my dog of 10 years for convenience at an apt. (how unbelievably cold hearted) and that he should get to move into the house. As stated before, his mom owns it. I never thought I would end up getting to stay long term but I was floored he cared so little for the children. This is their home and they have a yard and playground and he wants to take that away. What could one man need a 3 bedroom house for? Oh and then he said under no circumstances would he agree to me having full custody. He wants shared custody. He travels as a musician so I brought this up. He said he wants the decree to say that we will decide on a weekly basis and that when he gets the kids and when I get them would depend on his tour schedule and misc. music schedule...basically, at his convenience. I brought up his drug problem and he said since he is clean now, all of that is null and void...surely not?
He has rarely spent time with the kids all these years and now he wants them. He can barely last 5 hours with them. He hasn't kept them overnight in months and months, which is ok by me! I think he only wants this so he can skip paying child support and then never keep them because of his schedule. He has already said he will work hard to minimize child support since he is paid often in cash.
I knew he was a lying cheating addict but I thought he loved his children. Now he wants to take their home and not give them any money.
Wow, all I can say is I am glad I am divorcing him and that I have let go of so much of my obsession with him. Honestly, I don't care if he stays clean or not anymore. For the kids, I hoped he would but I am beginning to realize clean or using, he will not be there for them. What matters is that I will be there for them everyday and every minute making a good life for the 3 of us.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said all this. I didn't realize until that moment what kind of person he truly is...
Time to hire that lawyer I went to see for consultation and drop the mediator idea...
Thanks for listening and all the support through out the months. I look forward to the day I have as much insight as many of you and can post to people like me with such kind words and advice!
But today while discussing our plans while he was in town, he said he thought the children and I should move into an apt. and euthinize my dog of 10 years for convenience at an apt. (how unbelievably cold hearted) and that he should get to move into the house. As stated before, his mom owns it. I never thought I would end up getting to stay long term but I was floored he cared so little for the children. This is their home and they have a yard and playground and he wants to take that away. What could one man need a 3 bedroom house for? Oh and then he said under no circumstances would he agree to me having full custody. He wants shared custody. He travels as a musician so I brought this up. He said he wants the decree to say that we will decide on a weekly basis and that when he gets the kids and when I get them would depend on his tour schedule and misc. music schedule...basically, at his convenience. I brought up his drug problem and he said since he is clean now, all of that is null and void...surely not?
He has rarely spent time with the kids all these years and now he wants them. He can barely last 5 hours with them. He hasn't kept them overnight in months and months, which is ok by me! I think he only wants this so he can skip paying child support and then never keep them because of his schedule. He has already said he will work hard to minimize child support since he is paid often in cash.
I knew he was a lying cheating addict but I thought he loved his children. Now he wants to take their home and not give them any money.
Wow, all I can say is I am glad I am divorcing him and that I have let go of so much of my obsession with him. Honestly, I don't care if he stays clean or not anymore. For the kids, I hoped he would but I am beginning to realize clean or using, he will not be there for them. What matters is that I will be there for them everyday and every minute making a good life for the 3 of us.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said all this. I didn't realize until that moment what kind of person he truly is...
Time to hire that lawyer I went to see for consultation and drop the mediator idea...
Thanks for listening and all the support through out the months. I look forward to the day I have as much insight as many of you and can post to people like me with such kind words and advice!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like he is quacking. An attorney would be the right avenue to take, find out what your rights are, as for the shared custody thing, they all threaten that, the judge certainly will see that a travelling musican can not take care of children.
When I divorced my hubby, we had two dogs, one was 10 the other was 13, he wanted joint custody, ok, we agree, that lasted about 2 months...they were too much trouble I guess, all 10 pounds of them, well, after the 2 months he never picked them up, asked about them, so much for that. He just wanted to play a game with me. Glad to say, they are both alive, 14 & 17 happy years old!
Keep moving forward, it will all work out ok.
When I divorced my hubby, we had two dogs, one was 10 the other was 13, he wanted joint custody, ok, we agree, that lasted about 2 months...they were too much trouble I guess, all 10 pounds of them, well, after the 2 months he never picked them up, asked about them, so much for that. He just wanted to play a game with me. Glad to say, they are both alive, 14 & 17 happy years old!
Keep moving forward, it will all work out ok.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((book)))
I know, deep down, we want to believe that the addict has a reasonable, compassionate side. We must have thought they possessed these qualities in spades at one time or else we wouldn't have married them. They probably still possess these qualities but they get buried underneath the addiction. When push comes to shove with a divorce situation, an addict can be just like anyone else...threatening and hostile.
Let an attorney deal with the financial and custody situation. I know you hoped that you could work it all out amicably but these are hot-button emotional issues. An attorney can address all of the issues you mentioned (custody, child support, possession of the home, etc...) in accordance with the laws of your state. Let your attorney deal with the legal issues...your job is to focus on emotional healing. Counseling and alanon meetings would probably really help. I've been legally divorced for almost 2 years now but the emotional healing continues for me.
I hope today is a better one for you...
I know, deep down, we want to believe that the addict has a reasonable, compassionate side. We must have thought they possessed these qualities in spades at one time or else we wouldn't have married them. They probably still possess these qualities but they get buried underneath the addiction. When push comes to shove with a divorce situation, an addict can be just like anyone else...threatening and hostile.
Let an attorney deal with the financial and custody situation. I know you hoped that you could work it all out amicably but these are hot-button emotional issues. An attorney can address all of the issues you mentioned (custody, child support, possession of the home, etc...) in accordance with the laws of your state. Let your attorney deal with the legal issues...your job is to focus on emotional healing. Counseling and alanon meetings would probably really help. I've been legally divorced for almost 2 years now but the emotional healing continues for me.
I hope today is a better one for you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it just seems to me there are not many father out there that have the motherly love as us moms do.it will work out. maybe just maybe the judge will give you the house.is it in his mothers name?saying a prayer for you & your kids.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
book,
what a jerk - maybe, once an attorney sends him some sort of note, he'll be a little more clearheaded and unselfish - maybe...
until then, don't let him push you and the kids out of the way = posession is 9/10ths of the law - if you are in the hosue while he is/was (up until how ever many weeks ago) using drugs the house could be marital property or something - and a solution that friends in arizona used was whoever was with the kids stayed in the house and the other parent stayed at the apartment - they were pretty focused on the kids and doing the right thing but it worked for them and the kids never had to leave the house - just a thought...
hope today is gentle...
love,
s
what a jerk - maybe, once an attorney sends him some sort of note, he'll be a little more clearheaded and unselfish - maybe...
until then, don't let him push you and the kids out of the way = posession is 9/10ths of the law - if you are in the hosue while he is/was (up until how ever many weeks ago) using drugs the house could be marital property or something - and a solution that friends in arizona used was whoever was with the kids stayed in the house and the other parent stayed at the apartment - they were pretty focused on the kids and doing the right thing but it worked for them and the kids never had to leave the house - just a thought...
hope today is gentle...
love,
s
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Glad you are getting an attorney to protect you and the kids. I'm sorry he is being hurtful and insensitive. Unfortunately I don't think logic prevails through addiction or very often during a divorce. Hugs
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by booklover 
As posted previously, I am trying to figure out the legal logistics of dissolving my marriage to RAH whose DOC was meth. He has been clean about 2 months, which isn't long for meth since at least 95% of those who try to kick it fail. Scary odds. At any rate, I wanted to settle this nicely with a mediator and try to be fair etc., because I believed my husband was a good person with a disease he is trying to beat, despite the cheating and lying...which he says are part of his disease. (I don't buy that personally).
But today while discussing our plans while he was in town, he said he thought the children and I should move into an apt. and euthinize my dog of 10 years for convenience at an apt. (how unbelievably cold hearted) and that he should get to move into the house. As stated before, his mom owns it. I never thought I would end up getting to stay long term but I was floored he cared so little for the children. This is their home and they have a yard and playground and he wants to take that away. What could one man need a 3 bedroom house for? Oh and then he said under no circumstances would he agree to me having full custody. He wants shared custody. He travels as a musician so I brought this up. He said he wants the decree to say that we will decide on a weekly basis and that when he gets the kids and when I get them would depend on his tour schedule and misc. music schedule...basically, at his convenience. I brought up his drug problem and he said since he is clean now, all of that is null and void...surely not?
He has rarely spent time with the kids all these years and now he wants them. He can barely last 5 hours with them. He hasn't kept them overnight in months and months, which is ok by me! I think he only wants this so he can skip paying child support and then never keep them because of his schedule. He has already said he will work hard to minimize child support since he is paid often in cash.
I knew he was a lying cheating addict but I thought he loved his children. Now he wants to take their home and not give them any money.
Wow, all I can say is I am glad I am divorcing him and that I have let go of so much of my obsession with him. Honestly, I don't care if he stays clean or not anymore. For the kids, I hoped he would but I am beginning to realize clean or using, he will not be there for them. What matters is that I will be there for them everyday and every minute making a good life for the 3 of us.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said all this. I didn't realize until that moment what kind of person he truly is...
Time to hire that lawyer I went to see for consultation and drop the mediator idea...
Thanks for listening and all the support through out the months. I look forward to the day I have as much insight as many of you and can post to people like me with such kind words and advice!
But today while discussing our plans while he was in town, he said he thought the children and I should move into an apt. and euthinize my dog of 10 years for convenience at an apt. (how unbelievably cold hearted) and that he should get to move into the house. As stated before, his mom owns it. I never thought I would end up getting to stay long term but I was floored he cared so little for the children. This is their home and they have a yard and playground and he wants to take that away. What could one man need a 3 bedroom house for? Oh and then he said under no circumstances would he agree to me having full custody. He wants shared custody. He travels as a musician so I brought this up. He said he wants the decree to say that we will decide on a weekly basis and that when he gets the kids and when I get them would depend on his tour schedule and misc. music schedule...basically, at his convenience. I brought up his drug problem and he said since he is clean now, all of that is null and void...surely not?
He has rarely spent time with the kids all these years and now he wants them. He can barely last 5 hours with them. He hasn't kept them overnight in months and months, which is ok by me! I think he only wants this so he can skip paying child support and then never keep them because of his schedule. He has already said he will work hard to minimize child support since he is paid often in cash.
I knew he was a lying cheating addict but I thought he loved his children. Now he wants to take their home and not give them any money.
Wow, all I can say is I am glad I am divorcing him and that I have let go of so much of my obsession with him. Honestly, I don't care if he stays clean or not anymore. For the kids, I hoped he would but I am beginning to realize clean or using, he will not be there for them. What matters is that I will be there for them everyday and every minute making a good life for the 3 of us.
You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said all this. I didn't realize until that moment what kind of person he truly is...
Time to hire that lawyer I went to see for consultation and drop the mediator idea...
Thanks for listening and all the support through out the months. I look forward to the day I have as much insight as many of you and can post to people like me with such kind words and advice!
WOW!! Maybe the meth put more holes than normal in his brain?
Thank God for you!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
