outonalimb

Having a lightbulb moment, I think...

I've heard about the "no contact" boundary many, many times here at SR. I never considered this boundary to be an option for me, of course, because my exah and I share a child together (my 8 yr old son, Dominic). When I read about people being able to enforce this boundry in their life, I thought to myself bitterly, "Ohhhh sure...aren't you lucky...you don't share a child with the addict. You can walk away. I can't."

I felt a little, shall we say, jealous of them because they had a boundary at their disposal that I lacked. (or, at least I THOUGHT I lacked). I would feel more than a little put off...or feel sorry for myself...when I heard the 'no contact' option discussed sometimes. It wasn't a good feeling...it really wasn't.

And then...something wonderful happened...My HP stepped in and set a series of events into motion for me about five weeks ago. A job opportunity for my exah opened up in Colorado (two time zones away) from us. Because my exah has warrants out for his arrest (suspended driving stuff), and because he is homeless here at home, he took the job.

What a gift this has been...

In the beginning, I answered about one of his fifteen daily incoming calls because I thought I should encourage continued communication between my son and ex. I'm happy to report, however, that I have stopped accepting the calls altogether. Its just time and finally, finally, finally, I am at peace with the no contact boundary.

My exah is a lousy father. He is. He used to be a great father...In fact, thats why I fell in love with him, because I saw what a loving, caring father he was with his daughter (who was 2 at the time I met him). All this time, I've clung to this notion that my exah is a good father. I thought I should encourage contact because someday my exah would get better...at least well enough to be a good father. But he isn't. Its sad...it is...but he's not. Not by a long shot.

Wow.

It took me a long time to be able to admit this to myself. A very long time. The point of my thread ISN'T to bash my exah...it really isn't...For me, its about accepting a 'truth' in *my* life.

I cannot control the fact that my son's dad doesn't seek recovery. But its not my responsiblity to fix this. I understood this concept when it came to giving up on him as a husband...but I never fully let go of this concept when it came to my ex as a father....until now. Now, I think I finally see that my HP will mend this problem in his own way. I finally surrender this issue to my HP and I will wait for him to solve this problem in His time...and in His own way. I feel about 100 pounds lighter. I feel alot better now...and at peace...with this no contact boundary.

For those of you who walk ahead of me in recovery, thank you for repeating this boundary as an option so many times. Its a mighty fine boundary to have in your pocket and I'm glad I finally understand why.

Gosh, I love SR!

dollydo

Ooal,

Your post inspires me, to keep moving forward in my recovery.

Thank you for posting.

notsleepingwell

It's one baby step at a time, and we take those steps when we are ready, and isn't it wonderful when we take a step and find it makes us feel better? Sooo happy for you that things are going as they should.
NSW

marle

I know the feeling. For so long I tried to maintain contact with my daughter. Each time I was around her it upset me to no end. She just wasn't really there anymore, although I told myself that a "good" mother had to keep trying. Each time I saw her, something inside of me rebelled. Our conversations would always end up badly and I would go away feeling that I needed to just keep my mouth shut. I tried and I tried but it always ended up the same. Circumstances led her to a different city. I cancelled my cell phone so it was harder for us to communicate. She ended up losing hers due to nonpayment. I found it difficult to call the abf's cell. Hated hearing that girlie crack voice of his. So I stopped calling. So even though I was not totally responsible for the no contact, I did my part. Some people can maintain contact with their addicts. I can't. It is that simple. I am happy that the no contact is working for you. I do miss my daughter. I do miss talking to her. But I try to remember she is not my daughter anymore, she is an addict. Hugs, Marle

Spiritual Seeker

Remember, the "no contact" boundary is not set in stone; at any time, at our discretion, we can revoke it. One day at a time.

outonalimb

Thanks, seeker. I know you're right.

Its going to be a good long time before I reconsider it. I'd be afraid to. The poison has a way of seeping thru the phone lines. But maybe some day, when I'm stronger, or HE is...or we both are...I'll reconsider.

I don't think its gonna happen anytime soon, however. I really don't.

CatsPajamas

Isn't it funny how our HPs work? It's possible your HP had an answer to your prayers, and perhaps your ex's HP had an answer for him as well.

Time apart can be a good thing for people. It can help us focus on ourselves, to find peace and balance in our lives. I imagine if your exah finds recovery, he'll find his way back to his son with a healthy relationship.

I'm glad, just for today, that you are able to find some relief.

Hugs

Cats

Ann

Like Cats, I see God working in your life, his life and your child's life. When all three win, we KNOW HP is behind it.

I love those "AHA" moments.

Hugs

greeteachday

It's great how your HP has taken this situation for you and allowed you to see that the no contact can work for you for now. I'm glad you have been having a great summer with added peace too. Much love and sending an extra hug for the little guy.

best

If a situation requires a No Contact....everyone can have such a boundary.
Danger or harm or threats of, to self or children could get it so that the police or courts order such with your asking.

A no contact on a personal level... When they speak we only hear...quack quack quack and not listen to the words said.

A no contact of that kind is ...not letting the opinions and words of another affect my joy or peace.

2 time zones away does make it easier though. Glad to see things work out for you.

hope213

as they say it gets better & it does, in Gods time not ours.i am glad iot is getting better for you.hugs,

flycmk

Outonalimb - It made me happy to read your post. I am relieved for you. I am going through a divorce with my AH. My "no contact" was ordered by two judges (criminal and civil). Thank goodness it happened. No contact has meant such freedom and healing for me. Sometimes you don't realize how draining each contact can be. Going a day - a week - a month without contact can really be healing, at least in my case and it appears as if it is healing in yours as well. Good for you for letting yourself realize and accept things that are really hard to.

guineapigjude

Those of us walking behind you in recovery thank you for sharing, and inspiring us!

Live

ditto to flymc.

Wow I'll bet you feel and will continue to feel a burden just being lifted and your steps growing lighter as you are able to live in real peace, security and freedom.
Hoo-RAH!

Sav

I think I get the idea of what a "no contact" is (I'm familiar with the legal definition), but could someone give me a quick explanation of this? Is this something specific to the 12 steps or some other written or unwritten rule of the code?

Wascally Wabbit

Thank you for a very encouraging post. It really walked me through the steps of growth and recovery.