Ann

Just sharing my morning ponderings today....

I have a deep dislike for gossip, and this morning I was thinking about why I hated gossip so much and how it affects me as a victim of gossip or worse, as a gossiper myself.

I think gossip falls into one of 4 categories.

1. A lie or half-truth based on ignorance of the facts. Speculation based on only one small piece of information that might be known and twisted into a fabrication blurring the line between truth and fiction.

2. A lie meant to harm or degrade another person.

3. A form of judgment that makes the gossiper feel "better than".

4. A betrayal of confidence sharing that which was never meant for others to hear.

I came from a small city where gossip was prevalent and admittedly did my share. Gossip was the local "grapevine" of information, as inaccurate as it may be. I have been the victim of gossip, the kinds that would fit any of the categories above and perhaps that experienced taught me to rise above what others thought or said and just stand in my own truth.

I lived in a large city where gossip was less prevalent. People there respected "differences" and mixed well regardless of financial, cultural, religious or professional differences. People were considered interesting characters if they differed from the pattern of "normal living" and there was enough reality happening that nobody felt a need to create drama or make things up.

On a personal level, I am selective today about with whom I share my background and my son's addiction, sharing only with those I trust and those who "get it". Most people just know that I have a son lost in addiction somewhere and that I have worked my way through the pain through support of others. More than that would be beyond their comprehension and those who do understand are often those like me who have been to that dark place called codependency.

Today I try not to gossip, respecting the privacy of others and also acknowledging my own lack of facts. When someone passes gossip to me, I refuse to react or respond, often replying that nobody knows what goes on in a person's life or heart except for the person themselves.

How about you? How do you handle gossip? What has your experience been and what change did that bring about in you?

This is something we haven't discussed much here and something that I think affects each on of us in one way or another. Let's share.

Hugs

marle

In the past gossip was not something that I indulged in too much. I was too busy just living my own life. When my daughter became a teenager is when I got heavily involved in gossip. She used me as her sounding board and I heard plenty about what "everyone" else was doing. It never turned out to be exactly as it was told to me. I am fortunate to work with a group of women who do not gossip. They have full lives and share freely of the good things that they do. They are content with themselves and do not find a need to pry into other people's lives. That works just fine for me because as I get older, I do believe in the phrase, There but for the Grace of God go I. So I try to keep to myself and let others be. I try to do the next right thing and so I don't give people things to gossip about me and if someone tries to tell me some gossip, my reply is usually "I don't know much about that, I don't get out much, etc." Marle

hope213

i have always been a priviate person.getting married at a young age, my 1st & 2nd (yes, it took 3 times to get it right) husbands both were alcoholics & abusive. i stayed to myself alot. i was ashamed & i never wanted anyone talking about me,so therefore i never talked about others.when there was gossip going on i usually walked away. i have never been one to judge another person.

ladyjane

I also dislike gossip. I guess some of my neighbors probably think I'm antisocial. But in truth I have little time to wonder what others around me are up to. I have too much to do at home after I get home from work.
When I'm asked about someone in the neighborhood, I just say I have no idea, because I stay on my own side of the road.
At work the girls and I are very close. Were like an extended family. Of course there are things we talk about, but being a small business, what happens at work, stays at work.
_______________
Trish

Ann

I'm seeing a pattern here and it's interesting. So far, we seem like a bunch of non-gossipers.

For myself, I think that is because I know that my own life could set some tongues wagging, we all know the drama that addicts and codependents have in their lives. That has kept me a fairly private person except in appropriate sharing situations, like meetings or with a trusted friend who knows all about me.

Also, I have seen my son at his worst, doing things anyone would be ashamed of and then hating himself for having done them. I know deep in my heart that he is and has always been a good person deep inside, and today he is a sick person not a bad person.

Who am I to judge anyone? And, quite frankly, the drama that is gossiped about by most people couldn't hold a candle to the drama I have lived. It doesn't excite me to hear the tidbits of gossip that fly around, if anything I am a mental neutralizer because no matter how bad the gossip I tend to see beyond it and see the person for who they are.

I've always been one to form my own opinions about people, friends, co-workers or anyone I deal with in life. Regardless of how awful or how terrific people tell me someone is, I prefer to meet them with an open mind and decide for myself.

Maybe this is one of those strangely wrapped gifts that comes in life sometimes...our experiences, good and bad, take us to a place of compassion rather than judgement.

Hugs

tropikgal2

I try my very best to avoid gossip, because it is non-constructive time-wasting idle chatter. When people try to pass gossip along to me I ask them straight up "Do you think that is true? And if so, why?"
Oddly enough, throughout my whole life, I have been the one gossiped about. From high school, to current times (I'm in my mid-40's), people have gossiped about me for some reason. Maybe it is because I am a little "different" in a non-tangible way?? I have often gone against the grain, taken position that is a little arcane, marched to the tune of my own drummer. That makes people curious (and sometimes uncomfortable.)
I always tell my husband (and close friends know it too) "I'm not like all the other girls".
And I'm not.......gladly.

helpus

There have actually been a couple things recently. Do you remember me posting about the 5 girls killed in the car accedent? There is an article in this weeks people magazine about the girls. But rumors were just flying about this and that. Many are too grusome for me to even repeat. People wanting to know what had happened, but taking bits of this & that without the facts. I felt for the kids around here, some of the half truths, and some so far fetched. They would come up to me & say I heard bla bla bla....with tears in their eyes. it was heart wrenhing to see what rumors can do.

tropikgal2

A lot of times people gossip about stuff like the car wreck because they are try to find a reason for "why". Especially when it concerns death. People are afraid to die, so when death occurs to young people, especially people who are deemed "good" by society (these girls were cheerleaders, right?) there simply "must be" an explanation. Because death at a young age to "good' people just doesn't happen, right? Or that's what society says. Soooo, they must have been doing something "bad" to cause death to come upon them. So people try to pin it on something, and that is where the gossiping starts. So that people can say in their minds "Oh, that won't happen to me because I am a good person". LIke death doesn't ultimately happens to everyone who is living. People are often like ostriches....you know the cliche.

Ann

I agree that it's cruel, Helpus, especially about those who cannot defend themselves.

Our friends daughter was murdered many years ago and the lies that were flying and the insensitivity of the press were unforgiveable. I knew the truth and it wasn't pretty when anyone said anything in front of me. It was one time I didn't stifle my words or my anger.

I don't ever buy tabloids for the simple reason that every sale encourages hurtful and mostly untrue gossip.

Ann

Excellent point, tropikgal. I never thought of it that way but I believe you have hit a sad truth.

Hugs

Lovestoomuch

I always try to keep my nose on my side of the fence. There have been times friends have come to me out of concerne for someone and we have discussed the situation. I don't know if that can be deemed gossip or not. If it is, then I suppose I've gossiped, but with no ill will attached to it.

Ann

I don't consider that gossip, Loves. Speaking with compassion to trusted friends about a situation is a good motive. Gossip has no good motive although many will try to justify.

Just my thoughts.

doneforsure

Ann,
I try stay far away from gossip, and try my best to ignore it when I hear of some about myself. My ex would gossip about me plenty of times, and I just feel that it's kinda on the border of being disrespectful to someone. It's also usually judgemental in some way and often gives a very different view of whatever is being gossiped about than what the facts actually are. And if someone is saying something to someone else that was told in confidence, I find that to be, dishonest and disrespectful because trust is being trashed and the person's confidence being disrespected.

GiveLove

Ann,

Good topic. I wasn't always like this, but I've come to see most gossip as deeply and inherently cowardly and self-serving. There's all different levels, of course, from my neighbor's "I think she's doing heroin" (about another neighbor) to those folks who spread rumors because the drama of a situation just turns them on...I used to be with a man who, deep down inside, prided himself on how upset he got at certain situations. The tears in his eyes, the shaking hands, the tight voice....he didn't actually want to help, he just wanted to be A) the first to pass along the story, and B) the one who was the MOST UPSET OF EVERYBODY so he could prove what a deep and soulful person he was.

It's such a false way to be. I've chosen to have certain rules for myself instead: If you're concerned about someone, have the courage to talk to them personally, or to offer your help. Gossip about someone doesn't help them get through hard times. If it's none of your business, then keep your cake hole closed. If you're upset about a situation, then say it -- Wow, that is horrible -- and then do something about it OR, see above, shut your cake hole. Question whether the stories being passed along are true -- use your huge human brain to question whether someone, like the media, has a motivation for telling a more sensational story (they always do).

Anyway, good thoughts to take on my hike this morning!
GL

historyteach

Judaism has much to say about gossip, or lashon ha-ra, (disparaging speech.) The person who listens to gossip is even worse than the person who tells it, because no harm could be done by gossip if no one listened to it. It has been said that lashon ha-ra kills three: the person who speaks it, the person who hears it, and the person about whom it is told. (Talmud Arachin 15b).

A Chasidic tale vividly illustrates the danger of improper speech: A man went about the community telling malicious lies about the rabbi. Later, he realized the wrong he had done, and began to feel remorse. He went to the rabbi and begged his forgiveness, saying he would do anything he could to make amends. The rabbi told the man, "Take a feather pillow, cut it open, and scatter the feathers to the winds." The man thought this was a strange request, but it was a simple enough task, and he did it gladly. When he returned to tell the rabbi that he had done it, the rabbi said, "Now, go and gather the feathers. Because you can no more make amends for the damage your words have done than you can recollect the feathers."

Speech has been compared to an arrow: once the words are released, like an arrow, they cannot be recalled, the harm they do cannot be stopped, and the harm they do cannot always be predicted, for words like arrows often go astray.

The Talmud tells that the tongue is an instrument so dangerous that it must be kept hidden from view, behind two protective walls (the mouth and teeth) to prevent its misuse.

The harm done by speech can never be repaired. For this reason, some sources indicate that there is no forgiveness for lashon ha-ra. This is probably hyperbole, but it illustrates the seriousness of improper speech.
http://www.jewfaq.org/speech.htm

Now, I'm not perfect here. But, I'm learning daily, and try harder to watch my speech. I've done my share of it. Now, like many of you, understand the small mindedness of gossip.

Shalom!

Ann

Beautiful analogy, Teach, the damage can never be undone. Thanks.

Hugs

ladyjane

Ann,

I agree. I'm sure my family has been a subject of gossip in the past. When my as and ad come around, there can be drama. At times the drama gets loud!!
_________
Trish

helpus

I didn't have time to post my other example. (had a body fit class at the gym...boy my body ain't fit) The car accedient would fall in Ann's category # 1. Now I work with someone who constently does category # 2 & # 3. A nice young girl in our office is getting married soon to a boy who doesn't have a green card yet. The woman who is the office gossip/judge/jury is also very prejidice. Whenever she starts to speak about things of that nature (gossip) I just walk away. There was one time I didn't get away soon enough...she was going on about "those people". (in her world anyone who is a different color, religon ect) But I kinda let her have it. I sort of remember the words small minded & the like slipping out of my mouth.

Hangin' In

Amazing how this addiction problem in my family has taught me about gossip.
You said it, Ann..."No one knows what goes on in another person's family." Recovery has taught me that and I certianly don't want to be talking about what's going on in someone elses family and cause anymore hurt for them, or spreading stuff that is no value.

I have a wise woman in my Al Anon group says this on the subject. "If what you're going to say doesn't add good to the conversation, then don't say it." Guess that's equivalent to "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

And God certainly convicts me in this area. I find myself at work or in social setting getting sucked into the gossip. I now try to move the conversatin in a positive area. If it doesn't work, I leave and don't participate. Yet another blessing of being in recovery. It's taught me all this. (And yes, I know, I know. I should have known all this before ..and I guess I did "somewhat", I just didn't have the guts or wherewithall to carry through with what is right. So glad I do now.)

pjbs55

Good topic Ann,
I use to work in an office that everyone would talk about the next one. When people would come to me and ask me questions about this one or that I would always say the same thing I have no idea what they do or what they have said. I worked in HR and people would ask how much does this person make and my answer would always be somewhere between $0 and $1 million.
When I was going through my divorce people would come and say this person is saying this about you or that person is saying that about you, and I would just say this is their opinion and they have a right to it, but it doesn't mean it is right or wrong. And would just walk away. At least I felt better for not saying anything bad about the people who were talking about me. I figure what goes around comes around and someday someone will say something to hurt them but it won't be me.