Letting Go
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Letting Go
I struggle so much with this. That whole idea of letting go of things have claw marks all over them- yep that's me.
Been ruminating over abf going to the recovery house in FL for 6 months. It was very shocking at first but after awhile I realized that I needed to use this time to heal- and this time heal in a courageous way. Not where I am in agony every moment that I am aware of the emptiness I have inside of me.
The fact is that I am where I am today. Nothing will change this. It just feels like a long road ahead and I am very scared- not sure if I will be able to get to the life I so desperately want. I am even ashamed at how much I can disguise the ways by which I control- as though I think if I worry and obsess enough that I will have "paid my dues" and that my fears may abate?
Sometimes I get frustrated at the black and whiteness of what I perceive to be recovery. I deal with things not in the gray but in the extremes: Either I am complete detached, numb, unemotional or angry OR I am desperate, falling apart, neurotic, going nuts etc.
I realize NOW that all of my clinging to controlling someone else takes away from the work I need to do for me and that isn't just gaping at how much needs to be repaired and then having a pity party about it. Its hard for me to strike the balance between being a scathing critic to myself - that berates me for everything I don't do and for everything I do that could have been done better or right. Nothing I do is right- PERIOD.
I guess I am also looking back on all that has occured and shaking my head like, "WOW" - when someone just suddenly stops showing up for your relationship. At first you think NOTHING is wrong and then BAM they begin pulling away and this person who met a TON of your emotional needs just evolves into a monster. You can't even BEGIN to believe that this is the same and than periodically reinforces what you keep wishing for (their changing, their love) - it drives someone insane. And you're just like -- WHAT happened?!? The truth is painful.
Sometimes I still wade around in denial and shock.
Hating myself for someones addiction that I cannot control is not the answer.
Letting go is.
I have to tell myself that I don't need a perfect plan.
They don't know what is up or down.
Been ruminating over abf going to the recovery house in FL for 6 months. It was very shocking at first but after awhile I realized that I needed to use this time to heal- and this time heal in a courageous way. Not where I am in agony every moment that I am aware of the emptiness I have inside of me.
The fact is that I am where I am today. Nothing will change this. It just feels like a long road ahead and I am very scared- not sure if I will be able to get to the life I so desperately want. I am even ashamed at how much I can disguise the ways by which I control- as though I think if I worry and obsess enough that I will have "paid my dues" and that my fears may abate?
Sometimes I get frustrated at the black and whiteness of what I perceive to be recovery. I deal with things not in the gray but in the extremes: Either I am complete detached, numb, unemotional or angry OR I am desperate, falling apart, neurotic, going nuts etc.
I realize NOW that all of my clinging to controlling someone else takes away from the work I need to do for me and that isn't just gaping at how much needs to be repaired and then having a pity party about it. Its hard for me to strike the balance between being a scathing critic to myself - that berates me for everything I don't do and for everything I do that could have been done better or right. Nothing I do is right- PERIOD.
I guess I am also looking back on all that has occured and shaking my head like, "WOW" - when someone just suddenly stops showing up for your relationship. At first you think NOTHING is wrong and then BAM they begin pulling away and this person who met a TON of your emotional needs just evolves into a monster. You can't even BEGIN to believe that this is the same and than periodically reinforces what you keep wishing for (their changing, their love) - it drives someone insane. And you're just like -- WHAT happened?!? The truth is painful.
Sometimes I still wade around in denial and shock.
Hating myself for someones addiction that I cannot control is not the answer.
Letting go is.
I have to tell myself that I don't need a perfect plan.
They don't know what is up or down.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What does your inner critic look like?
I'll tell you what mine is: He's Truman Capote on a drunk bender, wearing a white suit and rolling his eyes at me. He's got this snotty, self-important, whiny voice and he leans over my shoulder and tells me every reason why I'll never be anything or anyone, why I'm unimportant in the world, why I'll never deserve to be loved (my gawwwwd, why SHOULD they??) and why I ought to just give it all up.
What about yours?
Identify him or her. Shine a bright light on him. Call him out on the carpet and make him show himself. Who is he or she? Who dares say these things to you?
I have created a special room in my head for Truman. He walks through the front door and starts his whining and scathing comments and mean-spirited jokes and I just walk him into his room, which has an overstuffed chair in front of a flat screen TV with a stack of old classic films by the side. I park him in his chair, still b*tching and b*tching, walk out and shut the door. I can still hear him in their talking, "oh my gawwwd, Bette Davis was soooo overrated...."
Yep, it's a visualization. I do it all inside my fevered little brain. But you know what? Half of life is positive visualization. If you keep saying that you're damaged goods, you will BE damaged goods. If you say you will lose a race, you will. If you think you can't control your feelings, I guarantee that you won't be able to. ("argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours" --Richard Bach's Illusions)
And if you take your inner critic, thank him, and park him in a chair and lock the door, and laugh at him behind his back, he will stay there for a while.
Try it. Worth a shot. You can throw him in the drawing room with Truman.
Love,
GL
I'll tell you what mine is: He's Truman Capote on a drunk bender, wearing a white suit and rolling his eyes at me. He's got this snotty, self-important, whiny voice and he leans over my shoulder and tells me every reason why I'll never be anything or anyone, why I'm unimportant in the world, why I'll never deserve to be loved (my gawwwwd, why SHOULD they??) and why I ought to just give it all up.
What about yours?
Identify him or her. Shine a bright light on him. Call him out on the carpet and make him show himself. Who is he or she? Who dares say these things to you?
I have created a special room in my head for Truman. He walks through the front door and starts his whining and scathing comments and mean-spirited jokes and I just walk him into his room, which has an overstuffed chair in front of a flat screen TV with a stack of old classic films by the side. I park him in his chair, still b*tching and b*tching, walk out and shut the door. I can still hear him in their talking, "oh my gawwwd, Bette Davis was soooo overrated...."
Yep, it's a visualization. I do it all inside my fevered little brain. But you know what? Half of life is positive visualization. If you keep saying that you're damaged goods, you will BE damaged goods. If you say you will lose a race, you will. If you think you can't control your feelings, I guarantee that you won't be able to. ("argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours" --Richard Bach's Illusions)
And if you take your inner critic, thank him, and park him in a chair and lock the door, and laugh at him behind his back, he will stay there for a while.
Try it. Worth a shot. You can throw him in the drawing room with Truman.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Does anyone want to take Truman away for the weekend? I could use a break even from him being in his room (he's been whispering through the keyhole telling me I'm getting old and unattractive)
He does make a good martini. Can't really think of anything else he's good at, besides dissing me.
He does make a good martini. Can't really think of anything else he's good at, besides dissing me.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
What does your inner critic look like?
I'll tell you what mine is: He's Truman Capote on a drunk bender, wearing a white suit and rolling his eyes at me. He's got this snotty, self-important, whiny voice and he leans over my shoulder and tells me every reason why I'll never be anything or anyone, why I'm unimportant in the world, why I'll never deserve to be loved (my gawwwwd, why SHOULD they??) and why I ought to just give it all up.
Love,
GL
I'll tell you what mine is: He's Truman Capote on a drunk bender, wearing a white suit and rolling his eyes at me. He's got this snotty, self-important, whiny voice and he leans over my shoulder and tells me every reason why I'll never be anything or anyone, why I'm unimportant in the world, why I'll never deserve to be loved (my gawwwwd, why SHOULD they??) and why I ought to just give it all up.
Love,
GL
I love that! You have quite an imagination!
I'm gonna have to think about this for a while. I think mine changes personas....
Great post!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I like the Truman Capote thing!! How funny!! What a Queen...
I dont' guess I have an inner critic. Maybe I'm too much the other way. I think I am great, I love me, and I am my own best friend. I have a great time with me! Yeah!
(trying not to sound schizophrenic here!)
I dont' guess I have an inner critic. Maybe I'm too much the other way. I think I am great, I love me, and I am my own best friend. I have a great time with me! Yeah!
(trying not to sound schizophrenic here!)
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
As I was learning to be gentle with myself I found this reading from Courage to Change very helpful.
I pictured myself finding a kitten and holding it in my cupped hands. I imagined the feelings I might have toward this sweet creature---tenderness, patience, wonder and love. I quickly put myself in the kitten's place and focused all of those gentle feelings in my own direction. It worked!
I was my harshest critic until I ignored the harshness and became more loving and gentle.
I pictured myself finding a kitten and holding it in my cupped hands. I imagined the feelings I might have toward this sweet creature---tenderness, patience, wonder and love. I quickly put myself in the kitten's place and focused all of those gentle feelings in my own direction. It worked!
I was my harshest critic until I ignored the harshness and became more loving and gentle.
Last edited by frankie_b; 07-21-2007 at 08:44 AM.
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