LoriFitz

I am grateful I am not an addict. My ex is... and we had a daughter together (she is almost 3). I am grateful I am still alive (he put me into harms way) and I am grateful I removed myself and especially my daughter from that situation. All I could envision is her growing up and becoming an addict too.

I wish he was on the road to recovery but he is not. I wish I could be get something or anything from him... but I am not. There are a lot of things I wish for and hoped for... I feel like a fool for trying so hard... i finally discovered it was a losing battle. I am still trying to get over everything that has happened in the past 5 years.... i feel sooo let down. My hopes were so high for him, he went into rehab after getting into a lot of trouble (attempted an armed robbery on a pharmacy without a weapon.....he was desperate). I discovered afterwards he was even using in rehab!! I finally got the light bulb and made the decision to leave him. I know he is hurting without me and our daughter... and i have difficulty letting go of the guilt i feel.

I have recently filed papers for full custody of our daughter. I don't know how that is going to go over. It's pretty straight forward, but i don't want her being alone with him if he is high! Is that wrong of me??? (I hope someone responds to this and helps me out). His family is on my case to see her... I know it is the worst possible environment for a small child to be subjected too. Her being exposed to an addict... statistically she will end up the same way. My heart breaks at the thought of that! What should i do????

Ann

Welcome to SR, Lori, you've come to a good place where we all understand your pain.

My son is the addict in my life, but many single moms here have made arrangements for supervised visitation, that way the child is kept safe.

Others will be along to welcome you also, so make yourself comfortable and take a read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum.

Glad you joined us on this journey.

Hugs

LoriFitz

thanks for the welcome... and i know i am doing the right thing... but sometimes i doubt myself. I don't want to hurt him or his family.... but as long as he is living with is his family i can't allow her to be there without me. i hope that makes sense.

Spiritual Seeker

WELCOME LoriFitz-so glad you are here! Since you did "ask" for advice I will share my story + opinion. I Split with my ex , who was involved with drugs,when my child was only two. I fought to keep his visitation to a minimum, but he did get ev. other weekend, etc. My only child, now 23, did grow up to be an addict even tho he was primarily with me, so your fears are real. I didn't get into Alanon until four yrs. ago. I now have worked the 12 steps through that program and it has changed me beyond words, in understanding myself, my part in choosing my ex, I am able to communicate my feelings, etc. So my advice to you is control what you can, yourself and get into the recovery program of alanon an really work it. you are not able to effect her biological predisposition or the influence your ex will ultimately have, so work on yourself to be the best mom possible. Learn to be emotionally healthy so that you make wise choices for her and you in the future. This is the most diff. time of your life...breaking up your babies family. But you will heal and life will go on. He is her dad so you will have to deal with him. love your baby more than you hate him, and figure out a way that your baby is not hurt by the relationship you have w/him.Best wishes as you figure this out.

LoriFitz

that really helps!! i know i can't control some things... and i have to learn to accept that. i do feel stronger than i ever have in my whole life... especially since i've had my daughter. I don't hate him... i am angry though, and i am willing to allow visitations. it is soooo scary though... i am really glad i joined SR... it already has helped in a way i can't even describe!

Wascally Wabbit

My childrens father is in prison for life. Why? Because he was extremely violent, and alkoholic and drug user.
I won't tell the whole story, it's too long, but believe me, when I finally got away, life got a whole heck of a lot better.
It will get better for you too. Get to some alanon meetings! You'll meet friends that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It's invaluable in getting ourselves on the right track, and cleaning out our own head.

LoriFitz

since leaving him i feel my life turned completely around. i have always been a big believer in karma... and i feel my life has changed in the best way possible. i am finally excited about my life again! still have down days... but i remind myself of how it used to be and i lift myself up again.

i feel weird about going to those meetings... i have never been an addict... so i just don't know....

teke

welcome lori, the addicted in my life is my hubby, i'm also a recovering addict. by the grace of god, i've basically raised 7 kids alone. i think that you are doing just fine. it took me a lot of yrs to get to where you are. i had the same concern as you about my kids and my counselor told me once that as long as i was ok, then they will be ok. the decision that your daughter makes for her life will be her choice. i think that you are a good mom.

i agree with the others, and i'm keeping you and yours in my prayers

greeteachday

Hi Lori, Welcome. I know it was a difficult decision that you made and I am glad that you are already seeing some light in your life...

Wise words ahead of me. The only things I would add, is that I find sometimes when I am not exactly sure of the next course to take, I am learning to wait...to give myself the time I need. I certainly understand your desire to keep your little girl safe! Maybe a compromise that allows some type of supervised visitation may be possible in time.

About meetings...Naranon and Alanon are for the friends and family of those impacted by addiction, not for addressing addiction issues. Many, like me started by seeking out the "anons" trying to find a way to help or fix the addict they love and soon learn that they can not do so but they can learn how to help themselves recover from th eimpact of addiction in their lives. Think of meetings as like the people here share encouragement and support, but just face to face and there are plenty of hugs if you need them!

finallyout

Hi Lori, just wanted to welcome you also. the addict in my life is my husband of 11yrs and he is finally in recovery too. I agree with the others, you have made the right choice, our first and foremost responsibility as parents (i have four children) is to protect them, no matter what. even though my rah is clean, i do not leave my children alone with him ever, maybe someday i will, but not now. you will find lots of great support here, so keep posting. sending prayers up for you.

dollydo

Welcome,

Can't add much to the above, but, I grew up with two alcoholic parents and I can say that I would never put a child thru that h*ll. I still carry the scars today.

Be assured, you are doing the right thing for your child.

krhea75

Hi lori,
welcome to the forum. You are doing the right thing.The only thing you can control is you so you need to start reading and making yourself well. As far as visitiation, I have no clue. My son is my addict and he has been in active addiction for 3 years and he's only 17. Be a good mom, trust your instinct and just get through today.
krhea

parentrecovers

keep posting, lori - glad you found us. blessings, k

frankie_b

Hi Lori. I commend you for having the courage and good sense to leave and to protect your child. Your judgement is sound about not exposing your child to the addict. Please don't be overly concerned about your child becoming an addict. With education and your guidance he/she is not destined to be like her Dad. You have every right to full custody in my opinion. Visitation can always be worked out on your terms.

hope213

welcome lori, glad you are here. there is some great advice above me... red around & keep coming back.prayer are going up for you & your daughter along with pryers for your ex.

notsleepingwell

Welcome Lori...
Glad you found us, and we are all kinda in the same boat. My addict is my daughter, and I am raising her 12 year old son. Nobody knows the right thing to do the same as their mother, so trust your instincts!!

Perhaps you could allow his family, visitation with their grandchild, at your place, or a neutral area, maybe a park, with you there!! I'm always a leetle protective of grandparents rights...lol. But its up to you to set the boundaries you are comfortable with. i.e. With no boyfriend around if he is active in his addiction.

More will be along shortly with words of welcome!!!
NSW

nevergivingup

Just wanted to welcome you to SR! And send some hugs!