Language of Letting Go - July 18

Old 07-18-2007, 02:28 AM
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Ann
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Language of Letting Go - July 18

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Time to Get Angry

It's about time you got angry - yes, that angry.

Anger can be such a potent, frightening emotion. It can also be a feeling that guides us to important decisions, sometimes decisions difficult to make. It can signal other people's problems, our problems, or simply problems we need to address.

We deny our anger for a variety of reasons. We don't give ourselves permission to allow it to come into our awareness - at first. Understand that it does not go away; it sits in layers under the surface, waiting for us to become ready, safe, and strong enough to deal with it.

What we may do instead of facing our anger and what it is telling us about self-care, is feel hurt, victimized, trapped, guilty, and uncertain about how to take care of ourselves. We may withdraw, deny, make excuses, and hide our heads in the sand - for a while.

We may punish, get even, whine, and wonder.

We may repeatedly forgive the other person for behaviors that hurt us. We may be afraid that someone will go away if we deal with our anger toward him or her. We may be afraid we will need to go away, if we deal with our anger.

We may simply be afraid of our anger and the potency of it. We may not know we have a right, even a responsibility - to ourselves - to allow ourselves to feel and learn from our anger.

God, help my hidden or repressed angry feelings to surface. Help me have the courage to face them. Help me understand how I need to take care of myself with the people I feel anger toward. Help me stop telling myself something is wrong with me when people victimize me and I feel angry about the victimization. I can trust my feelings to signal problems that need my attention.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 07-18-2007, 02:41 AM
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I held back my anger for so many years that I became afraid to let it go. I was like a volcano ready to erupt and was certain I would explode if I even began to release the feelings.

I was angry with my son, with God, with life and with anyone who tried to get in my way of controlling the universe. It wasn't pretty, I'm sure.

Recovery let me release these resentments a few at a time, and taught me how to do that in a way that was healthy for me and those around me. In time, the resentments led to forgiveness and compassion replaced anger as the primary emotion.

I also learned that it is okay to get angry and okay to let it out in a healthy way. Venting helped me release the pressure and keep it all in perspective.

The important thing for me today is to let anger be about my own emotions and not a reaction to someone else's bad behaviour.

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Old 07-18-2007, 06:06 AM
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Ann,
You have a really good way of putting my thoughts into words for me!

Denying our anger must be a classic symptom of co-dependency. I remember early days in Al Anon when I told some recovery friends I just didnt GET angry, and I just didn't FEEL angry, and they smiled and told me yes, I WAS angry and it would be better if I just learned to manage and deal with my anger.

They were right, of course. They usually are.

It comes from my childhood, where I was taught that there were "good" feelings and "bad" feelings. Now I know that feelings are just feelings - not good or bad.

Thanks for this post, Ann, and for knowing just what I need and when I need it!

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Old 07-31-2007, 12:24 PM
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I think that's exactly what I need. To get angry. Hi, I am new to this site and at this point I am at wits end. I too at one point was an abuser and now have cold turkey remained clean. My unfortunate problem is my boyfriend has not. It was not until recently when we moved in together that I realized how serious the problem was. I guess part of that was finally looking at the situation from the outside…with sober eyes. Now though I don’t know what to do to help. I have told him time and time again how much it hurts me and at first when he’s high he gets angry and evil and the same argument entails and he turns the whole thing around on me and told me every way I am not perfect and I'm a hypocrite and I have no right to judge him and I do alot of things that irritate him too but he doesn't point them out and he's not going to change and I'm the one who has a problem and I'm the one that needs to do something about it and maybe he's just not the person I thought he was and that I knew what I was getting myself into when I got into this with him and maybe I should just go home and on and on and on.

I don’t know what else to do, he has had many troubles in his life and unfortunately one of them will not and cannot go away (his father). I feel so lost, constantly. Like this past weekend, I actually in my heart had convinced myself that it was time to leave. I called home and gave them the heads up that I might be back in Jersey in the near future. I honestly don't know how much more I can handle. It's like I'm choosing his sanity or mine. and the problem is that it's only when that's around. The next day after that blowout I got up and went to the gym and by the time I got home and we went to the
concert that I had goetten him tickets for and everything was awesome. He was lovey and affectionate and happy and he's happy as a pig in $h!t and I'm aching on the inside.

I don’t know what else to do.
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