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Old 07-17-2007, 05:47 PM   #1 (permalink)

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My soul is bleeding out ... confused

I am over 30 & I have been until recently engaged & in a serious relationship with the same man for over a year. One person I honestly feel I love with my soul. We share things so 'person' for that matter has been able to share with me. He has 2 boys under 6 & I have 2 girs under 9. He has had addiction problems in the past. He had become clean and full custody of his kids & working a good job-- giving back... home, car, being a man I'd give my life & soul to and to his kids I'd call my own. Then it has come to surface over the past couple of months... his addictions were starting to resurface... he struggled and i stayed and prayed and held stood by him. I stayed by his side & tried my 'hardest'! I realized that I made some mistakes in my efforts to help... never dealing with something like this before. I became an enabler of sorts. I realized the downward spiral and I pulled out -- one morning i realized that NO ONES LOVE was enough... not even our God's at that moment. When my bank account was emptied, things missing, bills unpaid, and my car & cell phone disappeared for 6 days by the 'MAN I LOVE' ... I realized I was WAY TOO DEEP ... in someone elses problems... yeah wish they were 'someone' elses. How does an educated loving self sufficient woman fall in love with the devil. The man who makes my soul bleed. I would only have 'phone' chats for love & support. I never realized loving someone could hurt so bad. After our split & his road to recovery began... I found out I'm pregnant. Told & proven that kids weren't going to happen without 'help' of fertility drugs and me not having cycles ... we had no concerns about having any children together. Well after our split.. God rang my doorbell. Yes I'm pregnant. About a week after finding out & him informing me that he had to get 'his' life & when he felt the rest of his family was strong enough to 'accept' our child .. he'd join in. ANGER & RAGE have been/are my middle name. About 1 1/2wks ago... I found out he's been incarcerated for his 2nd time... and its serious... will do a 'good' amount of time. His family basically told me to get lost, not to BOTHER THEM OR HIM and that it was my quote 'IRRESPONSIBILITY' in life & they had warned me to be careful. Their warning had been... 'my son has had addiction problems, be careful'.. end quote. Yes geez .. thanks. So they told me to have a nice life and we hate you for loving him, helping him, and yes enabling him at one point... only by lack of knowledge of how addicts act, work, live, love, and LIE LIE LIE. So here I am over 30, single mother, now pregnant, and virtually alone. My family has 'LOTS' of opinions.. none of which I really like to hear. I love and addict and it hurts more than anything on this earth I've every experienced. How can the sweetest most loving and intimate person I know someone who grew with me in my God .. suddenly become the devil incarnate??.... because NOW my addicts active and loves no one but 'IT' .. I know as an educated person that my job is to 'walk' away as everyone puts it.. but when my 'babys' born... i will stare at him everyday for the rest of my life... does the anger and pain ever fade to just regret ??? I want to be a woman of her word... be the bigger person... stand by your man... but God at what cost... how many more times does this happen... what do I loose the 'NEXT' time around... How many times does he break my heart... How many times is too many times when he disappears... What do I say to my baby when he ask why he has no father?? I know God hears me.. but my soul feels no relief!!!
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Old 07-17-2007, 06:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. The addicts in my life are my husband and my brother... and I myself am a recovering addict.
There is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen.
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Old 07-17-2007, 06:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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WELCOME to sr, the addict in my life is my husband and i too am a recovering addict, sorry that you are hurting, i know your pain. you are not alone here, these kind and wise people have been a lifesaver for me. keep posting and reading all you can about addiction and codependancy, it does get better. we recommend alanon and naranon meetings, they are very good f2f support groups.

keeping you and your in my prayers

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Old 07-17-2007, 06:53 PM   #4 (permalink)

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Well the devil has touched your life...that does not mean give up..for the enemy comes to steal and decieve and of course he is the father of liars. Im so sorry for your pain, but your not alone in your world and you have come to the right place. Its my son who is the addict and im the enabler and so therefore I am or should I say hand on hand with his little white buddies. So many people here have sent me info on the world of the addict and how people are broken. Dont give up, find a narc anon meeting as soon as you can. And your right the man you loved is not the man who is the user. My prayers are with you and your children. Be strong and love your self today and tomorrow....

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Old 07-17-2007, 06:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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welcome to S.R., i can feel your pain & i am glad you found us.there is alot of info the stickys at the top of the"what addicts do".i am so sorry you re going through all of did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. an addict sometimes never gets off their drug of choice.the addict in my life is my son. it is not curable & it is a long hard road.please keep coming back.let us know how u r .maybe you can find some meetings in your area.i will say a prayer for u & your b.f.

i can sum life up in 3 words....IT GOES ON!!!
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Old 07-17-2007, 07:43 PM   #6 (permalink)

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I have been on the site for almost a month-a true lifesaver. Please read the sticky-What Addicts Do each and every time you have a soft thought about him and think you want to help. There is no help for them-until they want it and prove it. My hubby is an addict-he is gone!!!!! It is hard!!!!!! We are all or have been in the same place. Stay with this site-please!!!!
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Old 07-17-2007, 08:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome, I am truly sorry for the reasons you have come here. I'm sure you know there are no fast answers to the questions you asked. Please also know that all of us who love addicts have enabled because we thought we were loving them, supporting them, helping them. It doesn't make us bad people...just people who did not know better as you have said. Now we do know better and we try to work our own recoveyr each day. It can be a slow process, but so rewarding.

I'm so sorry you feel lost and alone. We all reached a point where we could not take our pain any longer and we were lead here. I'm glad you are here too. Please read all you can, share and is so helpful. I found Naranon meetings and the face to face support to be a life saver as well. I've learned tools to use to handle the results of addiction in my life and little by little i started to feel so much better. You can too! Hugs and prayers for you and your children.

Be strong, but not rude; Be kind, but not weak; Be bold, but not bully; Be humble, but not timid; Be proud, but not arrogant.

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Old 07-17-2007, 08:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
the girl can't help it
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I am so sorry you are going thru this. I hate drugs and addiction and what it does to people. It seems that you do have a pretty good head on your shoulders. I know how hard it is to detach and move forward. Being pregnant you have only a couple of options either to carry the child or not. It sounds like your intent is to have the child. There are a lot of things worse that having a baby that is for sure. The child is innocent and you can love them. Maybe by the time the child is old enough to ask the questions you fear there will be nothing to fear. You could conceivably meet someone else who would be a dad to your child.

you are young, 30 somethings have lots of time left for love, growth and change. For that matter we all have time for these things....

I agree that his family has treated you very dispassionately and I am sure your folks are probably not helping you much either but, hang in there and do the the best you can for your children and yourself keep your side of the street clean.

The absolute best revenge is to live well!!
nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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Old 07-17-2007, 08:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hey six,
You are not alone, we all have done some of the things you mention. Life really does suck sometimes, but we learn and heal and we get better because we want to stop hurting. After all, the only one we have any pull with is ourselves. So start there, babe. It will get better.
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Old 07-17-2007, 09:15 PM   #10 (permalink)

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Six.....I am a mom of an addict. I don't have any advice on husbands, but you came to the right place. There is a lot of support here.
I will keep you and your children in prayer.
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Old 07-18-2007, 03:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
I'm no angel!
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Glad to meet you, just sorry it has to be under these circumstances.

Why? The eternal question when dealing with an addict. There are no simple answers to addiction, all one can do is work on themselves, and march forward, one day at a time.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 07-18-2007, 06:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Six...Welcome to SR. The addicts in my life are my son and daughter. I am raising my ad's son and my as's gf is pregnant. The babies still keep on coming and we will love them and care for them as best we can. Be Strong.
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Old 07-18-2007, 07:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
let it grow!
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glad you found us, six. i'm a mom of an alcoholic/addict and my ex was also an alcoholic. addiction is a hard disease to live with, i understand. are you going to alanon or getting any counseling? both help me.

when is your baby due?

keep posting and blessings, k
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Old 07-18-2007, 11:14 AM   #14 (permalink)

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I am so sorry for your situation.
All wonderful words of wisdom before me.

Today I was asking myself similar questions reading the addict in my life. Since I do not know that it is said often enough- it's okay to feel what you are feeling and DO not beat yourself up for how weak you feel right now and get caught up in the "shoulds."
Realize where you are at now and where you want to be.
If I was at a better place in my recovery than I would feel entitled to dish out advice but I am not, so I will not.
Just know you're not alone. Many of us walk/have walked where you are. I think gaining perspective is hard fought. When we have front seats to the addiction, it is impossible to think clearly or rationally.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."
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