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you are all going to yell at me for what i am thinking...

Old 07-17-2007, 04:29 PM
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you are all going to yell at me for what i am thinking...

i heard from my ah again. I understand his frustration about not being able to speak with me and to tell you the truth, i want to speak to him (rather email). Just to tell him directly how i feel. It is hard not speaking to your husband of 14 years for over 6 weeks, and not seeing him at all.

I know you all probably think i am crazy....I was also thinking of having my step dad talk to him before he goes back to Fl. I need to know also if he is willing to go through some things in order for us to possibly reconcile.
He says he hasnt used in almost 2 mos. I am inclined to believe him just because i have checked the phone records--there hasnt been calls to his dealer lately and because his father and mother know about it now. He would rather die than have them think he is a drug addict. One of his emails said he thinks it is disgusting now. I know what you are thinking, that he can say anything to me..he hasnt DONE anything to prove it..and you're right...he shouldnt be waiting to see which way i go,....he should be getting help, any kind of help,,,90 meetings in 90 days, or whatever, no matter what i do..

I want him to know that he needs to go to the eval. and be 100% honest, and abide by whatever it is that is recommended for him. And then after he has had therapy under his belt and after there has been a long period of clean drug tests, then we can go to marriage counseling. But, as for living together now, which i know he wants, that will have to wait. He seems to think that i just want a divorce and in that case he will fight me. If he knows that there is a chance that things can work out between us, then i think he will do whatever it takes...at least i hope so.

I am so confused...I still love him and I know that if he just gets off the drugs, gets therapy and stays celan, things have a very good chance of working out.
Am I just being naive and stupid??

Plus this lawyer is costing me a fortune..once im done with him, there will be nothing left. I dont kow where the money is going ot come from to pay him...even monthly payments i cant afford right now with the 2 mortgages and all of our debt.
Putting it on a CC i will just have more debt and owe more interest....if there any way to do this through a mediator maybe???


For those of you who dont know, because someone said to me on another post, to get a part time job...but i have a full-time job...i am looking for one that pays more, but i cant make THAT much more right now...and i really have to wait until after the summer because i have the kids scedules all worked out with camp and work.
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:39 PM
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You've got to do what you've got to do. But please sit down with yourself and decide what you really want, and what's realistic. Are you thinking of getting back with him because it seems easier/less costly/less scary than divorce? Do you really believe he's able to get clean/stay clean, or are you just postponing the inevitable? Only you can answer these questions. Be good to yourself, true to yourself and be honest with yourself, and you'll know what you should do. Good luck.
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:41 PM
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No yelling from me, do whatever you want, it's totally up to you.

I will say , even if he is clean now, which I doubt,everything will not be right, and the chance of this working this out long term is slim...he is not who you want to believe he is.

Talk to him, email him, lift the RO, do whatever you really want to do, it's your life, your choices, but remember, your choices will effect your children for the rest of their lives. Be prepared to stare them in the face 10 years from now, and justify your decisions.

I wish you the best,
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:49 PM
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No yelling here either. But . . . in my experience, sometimes I just wanted to tak to my addict to get a "reaction" from her. I wanted her to know she "needed me in her life". It was more a need that I had (now I see it as a sick need) than anything else. I was being selfish. I am not saying that is what you are doing, it is just easy for me to see (now) my behavior was more of a reaction of my insecuritites.
You have to do what you feel is right, but ask yourself why you really want this contact now.
I know it is not easy.
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:51 PM
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I have to say that knowing him for this long i do think he can stay clean if thats what he really wants. And i do believe that is what he really wants. Dont get me wrong, i am THINKING about it....and he would have to prove things to me first...if he cant do that, then i cant get back with him.
HE is not who i want to believe he is, is true...when he is on drugs...but without them and really wanting to change, then i think he can. If we did ever reconicle and there was any drug use, or abuse again in this house..it woul dbe over..there is no way i would go through any of this again. IT does seem easier, and less costly than divorce, but less scarier...no-- i think being with him if he doesnt change is scarier.
I guess my thougts from the beginning avent changed---i would still consider reconciling if he gets help and proves to me through his actions over time that he has changed for the better. what about my step dad talking to him---what do you think about that??
i also did ask my lawyer about adjusting the RO so that we can have emails conversations about other things besdies the kids..i havent heard back yet...but im sure he will advise me not to. but in the end, i guess it is really my decision...right? i have been following everything my lawyer says, without questioning it.
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:52 PM
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Hello DW,

Honey, we are not here to tell you what to do....we are here to offer you guidance and support.....we are here for you to read and learn about addiction and what it has done to our lives......it is entirely up to you whether you go or stay......and I know at times it must seem that we are all ganging up on you.....from this post I can read that you are still in denial.......it is full of if's. if' he gets off drugs, if he gets therapy, if he does the evaluation, if he gets clean, if he stays clean....you are still basing your and your children's future on your desires, expectations and not the facts.....you know the answers to your questions and it is your choice......my only suggestion is you either accept the alcoholic/addict for who they are, or you leave the relationship. You either accept their addiction, lying, fooling around, irresponsibility, abusiveness, and multitude of other unacceptable behaviors or you leave the relationship.......the choice is yours.....

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Old 07-17-2007, 04:54 PM
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have hope--
i want this contact now, just so that he knows exactly how i feel, and that it is coming directly from me..not in my lawyers words, but my own.
i want him to know exactly what i need from him if he wants to reconcile. and i want him to know that i havent given up hope on our marriage just yet, if he can prove to me that there still is hope through his actions and his taking responsibility for his previous actions and behavior. I want to be very clear on this with him...and i think he deserves that--for me to be clear with him about what i need and want.
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:57 PM
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just for today--i wont accept those behaviors. i want him to know that. that things have to change..if he gets clean...and maybe he has started to already...then he needs to stick with it, because i will never go back there...and he needs to go to meetings or get whatever other help necessary. Isnt there another choice here--stay apart until these behaviors change??? if they dont then leave the relationship???
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Old 07-17-2007, 04:59 PM
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So, if that's what you want, call him, email him, why bring your step dad into the arena?

He doesn't belong there.

BTW, he already knows what you want, you are wanting to talk to him, for you, so go for it, and let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:09 PM
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Before you take any action, I would urge you to read back over your old threads first.
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:09 PM
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no yelling here either. i just want to share my experience. i know how you feel, i've been married 21 yrs and my ah has been mostly active the whole time therefore we've been mostly seperated the whole time. i've filed for divorce 3 times in the past and for one reason or another, i've not gone through with it. maybe i made decisions that i was just not ready to make, maybe i was looking for some sort of reaction in making the decisions that i made or maybe i was doing what others thought that i should, i dont' know.

what i do know is that regardless of what i did or didn't do, my ah's decision to get sober would be his decision and it has nothing at all to do with what i do or don't do.

trust me, i've been where you are and i've gone back and forth more time that i want to tell and 17 yrs later, i'm still going through the same issues, still trying to make the same decisions that i was back then only difference is that my ah's addiction has progressed so much.

in my opinion, i think maybe it time for you to take a breather and decide what it is that you want to do. whatever you decided to do, we are here to support you. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:14 PM
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He doesnt already know what i want. he doesnt know if i wnat to divorce or not...me wanting to talk to him is for him to understand exactly where i am coming from..which for some reason he just doesnt get.
I know him better than anyone...and he does not want to loose his family. i believe he will do what it takes to get his family back...but of course that remains to be seen.
Getting my step dad involved was just because i cant talk to him....

I wanted to ask my lawyer to change the RO so we can converse on other topics.. by me going through my lawyer on everything it is costing a small fortune that i just dont have.

am i really in denial or just too hopeful that things will work out? i have heard alot of stories where things do work out. Lots of them....and my therapist doesnt beleive one has to "hit bottom" to make a realization...and she also says some people can do it on their own without any help ....and even not going to meetings or anything....but they first have to admit there is a problem. if i did give him another chance, please understnad i WILL NOT go back to the way things were, things would have to be different...way different, and like i said before, if there were any drug use, or abuse, even once---good-bye!
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:20 PM
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DW,

Everyone of us has felt that yearning. I hope you will treat it like a craving the same way and addict has to deal with cravings. That means that there is nothing wrong with the emotion you feel, but choose the action that leads to the next right thing.

Dollydo is right, He all ready knows how you feel, it is you, your yearning for him.
And please don't take is as personal to you when you are told you are in denial. I had to be told that. Several times said in different ways. But it was the truth I needed. And you are still in denial.

I bumped up some posts of yours the other day, which perhaps I shouldn't have done, but I wanted to remind you as my DV counselor needed to do for me, of your own words about the porn and the abuse and etc.

I urge you to stay with the commitment made of no contact. Just for today, you CAN do it, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

In my opinion it would be incredibly self destructive to give into that urge.

How about just write it all out on paper to get the things you want to say out of your head and set is aside.
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:22 PM
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i guess what i am looking for is to tell him, if we are to reconcile, he first needs to go tot he evaluation (which he wants to do) and be 100% honest...follow the dr's recommendations for treatment...then after i see through his actions that things are progressviely getting better, and through clean drug tests, we can try marriage counseling if in fact the dr. and/or other professionals agree that the timing is right.
I want him to know that i will not stand for any lies, manipulations, abuse, drugs, etc. and if there is any of that, then all bets are off. He thinks I am triking him with the evaluation, and that there really is not intent on any reconciliation. I need him to realize that HE needs to take responsibility for HIS actions. and he does this by not blaming me anymore for the drug and abuse , and by going to get help and being consistent and honest.
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:23 PM
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prayers for you both,hope 213
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:26 PM
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I mean't he knows you do not want him to use.

8% of addicts, working a strong program recover for life, the rest don't.

And no, you don't know him better than anyone, he knows him better than anyone. Try as you may, you cannot step into his mind, his soul, he owns those spaces.
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:27 PM
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I so understand wanting to be sure he knew what you were thinking and I do think its important.
In my opinion the 2 months clean though is a scared repreive and not permannent if hes not working on his issues.

Also In my experience for me, its all or nothing and Im not so good at holding boundaries when constantly tested.

you gotta do what you feel is right
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:29 PM
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what if i cant afford the lawyer...what do i do??
i am sorry i am confused...i know somewhere deep inside, he can change--ive heard it happen so many times with other addicts....
what if he has stopped using---and i dont give it another chance ---
what if i look at it that way--and think about the consequences of giving up??
i dont know, im so confused right now, and scared and torn --- i wish my mom could stay here --i feel alot better when she is around....and i dont feel so alone....
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:34 PM
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I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to make you the happiest, but none of us can.

All of this sucks I know

I wish drugs ahd never joined any of our lives
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Old 07-17-2007, 05:47 PM
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DW, I understand how you feel, does that help, maybe ,maybe not.....and we never outgrow our need for our Mom (at least I didn't).........

I like Teke separated many times and always went back with hope in my heart....only to wind up pregnant and alone once again.....I did it over and over....no one could tell me that it would not be different each time.....and it was different, it was worse and me and my children suffered a lot longer than necessary because I was in denial.....so yes we have been exactly where you are now.....so do what you want to do......we all have to learn in our own time and in our own way.....I pray that all your dreams come true and you will live happily ever after.....but don't bet the farm on it.....take precautions to keep yourself safe, get your finances in order and hope for the Best but prepare for the worst.....

Peace
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