New here and need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1
New here and need help
I am very new to all this and am not sure if I fit in here. I'll just start from the beginning and hope you can point me in the right direction.
My brother-in-law needs help but is a long way from bottoming out. He started using various drugs in high school and by college developed a small cocaine problem. He managed to stop that on his own and moved onto compulsive shopping and gambling. I don't think he gambles so much anymore but he is now into prescription drugs. I think he may be addicted to the point where he can't stop if he wants to. He takes oxycontin, vicodin, xanax, and other pills every day. He gets very sick when he stops. the family has been watching him deteriorate for months now but no one's concern has gotten through to him - he is very confrontational and aggressive when confronted about his problem or just leaves if someone tries to talk to him. His fiance is very worried and doesn't know what to do and we are all worried that he may harm himself or his 5 month old daughter. I think he is using pretty much all the time and frequently drinks alcohol at the same time. He uses at work too but it seems to be a common problem among his fellow corrections officers.
This past weekend, we had a Jack & Jill party for him and his fiance. He was really messed up the whole day (xanax and alcohol). It was more obvious than usual that he was high. It was embarrasing and it brought his problem into clearer focus for his parents, brothers, and myself. We talked about confronting him all together and asking him to get help. His brother (my husband) and father don't think it will work because he doesn't want or think he needs help. I think he needs more than a family confrontation. He needs professional help. I'm not even sure its safe for him to stop on his own.
We want to help him before he gets worse. He hasn't lost his job, started stealing from family or others, had a car accident, hurt himself or someone else badly, or been arrested. He does have serious financial problems. He took out a 20K home equity loan on his brand new home and also maxxed out his credit cards. I don't think he has much credit left and don't know how he is paying the minimum payments on credit cards plus the mortgage and loan payment. When his credit runs out, I don't know what he is going to do to get his drug money. Maybe he is selling too to help pay for it.
I don't know if an intervention will work since he hasn't hit bottom yet. I dont' know how to find a treatment provider or whether it is necessary to hire an interventionist. I also don't know what will be covered by insurance and whether he can go to treatment for a month plus without losing his job. My mother in law asked me to get information so we can create a plan of action that will actually work. I am afraid even if he agrees to treatment that he will just start using prescription drugs again or develop some other addiction once he out. I don't know how to make him ready to change. Please point me in the right direction so that I can help my family help my brother-in-law.
My brother-in-law needs help but is a long way from bottoming out. He started using various drugs in high school and by college developed a small cocaine problem. He managed to stop that on his own and moved onto compulsive shopping and gambling. I don't think he gambles so much anymore but he is now into prescription drugs. I think he may be addicted to the point where he can't stop if he wants to. He takes oxycontin, vicodin, xanax, and other pills every day. He gets very sick when he stops. the family has been watching him deteriorate for months now but no one's concern has gotten through to him - he is very confrontational and aggressive when confronted about his problem or just leaves if someone tries to talk to him. His fiance is very worried and doesn't know what to do and we are all worried that he may harm himself or his 5 month old daughter. I think he is using pretty much all the time and frequently drinks alcohol at the same time. He uses at work too but it seems to be a common problem among his fellow corrections officers.
This past weekend, we had a Jack & Jill party for him and his fiance. He was really messed up the whole day (xanax and alcohol). It was more obvious than usual that he was high. It was embarrasing and it brought his problem into clearer focus for his parents, brothers, and myself. We talked about confronting him all together and asking him to get help. His brother (my husband) and father don't think it will work because he doesn't want or think he needs help. I think he needs more than a family confrontation. He needs professional help. I'm not even sure its safe for him to stop on his own.
We want to help him before he gets worse. He hasn't lost his job, started stealing from family or others, had a car accident, hurt himself or someone else badly, or been arrested. He does have serious financial problems. He took out a 20K home equity loan on his brand new home and also maxxed out his credit cards. I don't think he has much credit left and don't know how he is paying the minimum payments on credit cards plus the mortgage and loan payment. When his credit runs out, I don't know what he is going to do to get his drug money. Maybe he is selling too to help pay for it.
I don't know if an intervention will work since he hasn't hit bottom yet. I dont' know how to find a treatment provider or whether it is necessary to hire an interventionist. I also don't know what will be covered by insurance and whether he can go to treatment for a month plus without losing his job. My mother in law asked me to get information so we can create a plan of action that will actually work. I am afraid even if he agrees to treatment that he will just start using prescription drugs again or develop some other addiction once he out. I don't know how to make him ready to change. Please point me in the right direction so that I can help my family help my brother-in-law.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((SIL))
I'm so glad that you are reaching out for help for your BIL and your family. It is very good for the family to know as much as possible about the disease of addiction. The web sites for Nar-Anon & Al-Anon can give you meeting dates & times for face to face meetings in your area that may help your family.
As far as making HIM ready to change, it is sad to say, but only he can do that.
There are avenues such as interventions, treatment centers and having him committed for treatment. If he has a health care professional, sometimes they can direct you thru those options. Sometimes these options help, sometimes they don't -It all depends upon the individual and their willingness to work a program of recovery.
The main thing is that I would like to encourage you to keep reaching out for more information and support - dealing with addiction and alcoholism without it can be a very lonely path.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
I'm so glad that you are reaching out for help for your BIL and your family. It is very good for the family to know as much as possible about the disease of addiction. The web sites for Nar-Anon & Al-Anon can give you meeting dates & times for face to face meetings in your area that may help your family.
As far as making HIM ready to change, it is sad to say, but only he can do that.
There are avenues such as interventions, treatment centers and having him committed for treatment. If he has a health care professional, sometimes they can direct you thru those options. Sometimes these options help, sometimes they don't -It all depends upon the individual and their willingness to work a program of recovery.
The main thing is that I would like to encourage you to keep reaching out for more information and support - dealing with addiction and alcoholism without it can be a very lonely path.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Welccome to SR! Of course you "fit in" here... everyone on this forum is affected in some way shape or form by some type of addictive behavior, whether it be their own or that of a loved one.
As far as the intervention idea goes, my only thought is that it won't hurt to try, but be aware that I know very few people that have had success with them. If he does not yet feel that he has a problem, he will see no reason to get help, no matter how much anyone else begs him to do so.
My two cents worth of advice: you and your husband, as well as his parents, will benefit from finding Alanon or Naranon meetings to go to. These are meetings for friends and families of people who have an addiction, and they are very useful for learning how to react and cope with this situation. Odds are that things are going to get worse before they get better, and the only chance any of you have at being able to help him at all is to help yourselves first.
My heart is with you, as I know how hard it is to watch someone you care about destroy himself like that. Just know that by taking care of yourself first, you are helping him in the best way possible. And the same is true for your husband and his parents.
*hugs and prayers*
As far as the intervention idea goes, my only thought is that it won't hurt to try, but be aware that I know very few people that have had success with them. If he does not yet feel that he has a problem, he will see no reason to get help, no matter how much anyone else begs him to do so.
My two cents worth of advice: you and your husband, as well as his parents, will benefit from finding Alanon or Naranon meetings to go to. These are meetings for friends and families of people who have an addiction, and they are very useful for learning how to react and cope with this situation. Odds are that things are going to get worse before they get better, and the only chance any of you have at being able to help him at all is to help yourselves first.
My heart is with you, as I know how hard it is to watch someone you care about destroy himself like that. Just know that by taking care of yourself first, you are helping him in the best way possible. And the same is true for your husband and his parents.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 158
As someone whose addict is still active and in denial, I'm not able to contribute much advice. But if you do try an intervention, I would suggest that you at least consult with an experienced intervention counselor, even if you can't "hire" one. I say that because I tried an intervention on my own for my addict friend. I did it without any knowledge on how to go about it, and it pushed her further away. She saw it as an "attack". I think that is a common response when an addict is confronted. As they say, you can't reason with someone who is incabable of reasoning. Intervention does work sometimes, but I think you would greatly diminish any chance of success if your family tries to go it alone. I hope your BIL is ready for treatment. Good luck. HUGS
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I was totally blindsided by drug addiction and had no idea what to do either. I found that reading about addiction, about its affects on family members and arming myself with knowledge was a good start for me. I think you are right that if he does decide to get help, he will need medical assistance to detox...Withdrawal from the drugs he is taking can be life threatening if done alone...
But your thought that he may not be willing or ready for recovery makes sense...If his family is still protecting him, he has a nice home and hasn't faced any real consequences, he may not be ready for change. All the fmaily can do is try to get help for themselves and to have resource information available if he decides to get help himself.
I'm concerned that his fiancee is apparently still thinking about marriage and that you are worried about the safety of their baby. I hope she will look into Naranon and Alanon (and you and your husband may benefit too) and seriously consider the rammifications for this innocent child if she marries someone in active addiction. Hugs. Please keep reading here....there's lots of great info and wonderful people.
But your thought that he may not be willing or ready for recovery makes sense...If his family is still protecting him, he has a nice home and hasn't faced any real consequences, he may not be ready for change. All the fmaily can do is try to get help for themselves and to have resource information available if he decides to get help himself.
I'm concerned that his fiancee is apparently still thinking about marriage and that you are worried about the safety of their baby. I hope she will look into Naranon and Alanon (and you and your husband may benefit too) and seriously consider the rammifications for this innocent child if she marries someone in active addiction. Hugs. Please keep reading here....there's lots of great info and wonderful people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. you have come to the right place. you can help your self but you can not help your b.i.l. he has got to want the help & want to do the right things.it does not sound like he wants to.read the stickys at the top of the forum.,"what addicts do". it is only going to get worse before it gets better.find a meeting in your area.take his mom & anyone else that will go.keep coming back here. i am saying a pray for your b.i.l. & his family.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Welcome!!
Let me tell you, my husband did the same thing. Still does! Who knows when if ever they hit their "bottom". It could be years unless something really bad happens.
I know it's hard, but there's really nothing we can do to make them quit.
They quit when they have a revelation that they're addicted and WANT help.
Here at SR, we support each other through some of the toughest times of our lives.
Keep coming back.
Let me tell you, my husband did the same thing. Still does! Who knows when if ever they hit their "bottom". It could be years unless something really bad happens.
I know it's hard, but there's really nothing we can do to make them quit.
They quit when they have a revelation that they're addicted and WANT help.
Here at SR, we support each other through some of the toughest times of our lives.
Keep coming back.
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