Lightenup

We've made a decision. Our son made choices that broke our agreement with him, and as of last night I told him he has to have his things out of here by Wednesday.

I will say that this time we had nothing stolen, he has learned to use away from our home and stay away. Also, my other children are older and while they hate it for him, he hasn't been here long enough to have them really miss him when he is gone, since he isn't anyone any of us knows any longer anyway.

I saw bits and pieces of who my son is underneath for a few weeks. It was pretty neat. I'm sorry that cocaine is still taking away the person he can be.

This is the 2nd day I've waked up with no tears breaking through, a good sign. I hope he gets the help he so desperately needs, I have no control, and no amount of love can cure him, I know that, have known that for a long time.

I will miss parts of him, but not the using, not the lies, the unkept promises.

Ann

My feelings are that it's not our sons we are letting go of, it's the addiction. I believe that our sons know we love them, and I pray that we will see the person they really are again soon.

It was impossible for me to live in his disease and my recovery at the same time, so letting go for me was just giving my son to God and leaving the rest between them.

Hugs

frankly

((Lightenup))

No words, just hugs and prayers.

B

Lightenup

I guess there is still some little part of me that wonders how the drugs can be so strong to keep him from the only family he has. I know that is the insanity of it, but once again, it has come to the point where my son has chosen a life with a cup of change in his hand, nowhere to call his own, all for white powder.

Once again, a piece of my heart feels broken, and I must, for sanity's sake, harden myself even more this time, because the stakes are getting higher. I really feel like he has to be out there, this time with hardly any real friends left, without us, and possibly he will hate the world he is living in enough at some point, to leave it and find a peaceful life.

As for me, I will definitely move on, although it is with great sadness. I am so happy for my daughter, who is doing well in college and comes and goes and gives of herself freely and am happy to have my youngest enjoying himself most of the time.

Truth is, no matter how strong I need to be for myself, I still hate it, I miss him, the old son, the person under there......................God has him in His hands, that's all I know.

I do appreciate your encouragement.

Love,
Bets

marle

Bets, I always thought that if I was truly working my recovery, I would never have another sad day. Now I realize that we will still have all those feelings and it is okay to be sad. It is grief. And it does not mean that I am not healing because maybe today I am overwhelmed with my feelings. I have not enabled my daughter in a long time, she is starting to feel the consequences of her addiction and with each new wrinkle in her life, I feel that sadness of change. But I know that I will be okay, I know that I will hang tough when it comes to her. I know that life is better without active addiction staring me in the face. Hopefully your son will want a better life than the one he is facing now. But it is not your job to provide it. Sending you some big mom hugs, Marle

parentrecovers

thinking about you, lightenup. we have to make some tough decisions as parents of addicts/alcoholics. i understand..

blessings, k

marle

Bets, The only way that I have been able to understand addiction is to think about my own to cigarettes. When my daughter was young, her friends did not have parents that smoked. She was very embarassed that we did and she would plead with me to stop. We made a deal that I would not smoke in front of her friends and I never did. But if the friend stayed the night or was here for a long time, I went into the garage and had a cigarette. I could not stop for her even though I love her with all my heart and would never do anything to hurt her. So each time I feel how could my daughter do that, I remember that I did the same thing, the only difference is that mine was legal. Hugs, Marle

outonalimb

I know Bets. Its hard NOT to wonder about this.

Of course, the addict in my life is my exah...so its different...but he is also my son's father. It makes me sad...so sad...to know that addiction's pull is so strong that it makes chasing the next high (or, in my exah's case more recently, the next 'drunk') more important than family...than being a father to our son. I don't think the addict intentionally or knowingly chooses drugs over family. They think they can have both in their life...and why wouldn't they think this when we jump in to 'help' them time and time again...no matter what they've done... And of course we jump in...because we love them...but we have to stop doing it because we aren't helping them in the long run. Its so hard to do...to let go and leave them in God's care...but in the end, its all any of us can do. I'm just glad that we have each other to lean on for strength when we need it.

For now, just know that you're doing the right thing as much as it hurts...and remember that you have alot of people here at SR who love you and support you.

Hugs my friend...

laketime

sorry bets, my as is 20 and out of our house, hes currently at an oxford house, where i hope hes working his recovery, its so hard to truly let go, i work on it daily. some good days, some bad. its good for your recovery to set boundaries, its hard for me to set realistic ones i know i can stick to. sometimes i end up saying one thing then after a while i do something opposite, that makes me as decietful as him. good luck im sending prayers to you and your as

cmc

(((Bets)))
I'm glad your emotions are calming down and that you got a peek at who he really is minus the insanity. Hold on to that- he's still there underneath it and I'm praying he will resurface again and decide to make some changes.
hugs

hope213

i can see you are getting stronger in your recovery.i am sorry you are having to make this decision. you will get through this & hopefully your son will hit his bottom soon. my prayers are with you,your son & your family.

WENDYLOST101

Bets, been missing you very much. Sorry things are so rough right now. I know exactly how you feel. Even though my A is my husband, it is for the most part, the same. I love you and miss you and pray for you.

Lobo

So sorry Bets, that it has come to you having to ask him to leave. When they are in active addiction we can't have a front row seat to their self destruction. Recently my daughter relapsed, but is back on track once again. She isn't living with me and that is a good thing. I can't take the ups and downs anymore. I don't think I have another relapse left in me. She has so much more healing to do besides getting sober. I know it is going to take a very long time for her and me to be whole again.
It certainly sounds like you are working on your own recovery. I wish you well....stay strong.

Luv.........Lois

greeteachday

I think that is the only way we can find any peace and comfort Bets; knowing that God has our children. I still hate it too. Praying he gets tired of it soon. I hate that they have to go through somuch pain to find a way out, but we can't do it for them. You sound good...sad which is understandable, but strong. You will survive,Bets and find those happy times. Hugs and prayers for all of you.

newblue82

It is as they say that we love the addict not the addiction. It sounds like you've made it through some difficult steps to become at the very least accepting of your son's disease. Hats off to you. . .you're doing nicely! I'm sure at some point he'll come to a low place in his use where he realizes no one's going to help him; he has to help himself. You're in my prayers and hugs!!!!

bookmiser

(((((((Bets))))))))

I want peace for you, sweetie. It this will bring it, then so be it.
I know when Jason was living here with my hubby and myself, I could not
find peace to save my life. I was in constant turmoil. Is he using? Is he thinking about using? Are the people he's meeting addicts? Will he keep this job or quit within days? On and on it went. My strength came when he left work with his paycheck, without working his shift, btw, and spending all weekend smoking crack with "friends".
He lost the job, called me at 5:30 am, to unlock the door for him.
I had had enough. Hubby woke up and basically said, "him or me, Linda. I can't do this with you anymore. I can't watch you go through this with him anymore".
That's when I knew it was sink (with him) or swim (with my husband).
Jason doesn't resent us for it. He knew we did what we had to do.
He's out there swimming too. Sometimes it's treacherous for him, sometimes calm, but it's still his boat and he owns it himself. My waters have become a whole lot calmer since then. He's working, he's seeing someone, and he calls me daily still, but he still drinks occasionally, and smokes pot whenever, and his mood? Oh, man!
It's the moodiness and the "everyone owes me something" mindset.
Where does that come from?
Anyway, want ya to know I love ya and I'm praying for you and your family.
Wanna talk? I'm a pm away.
All said with love and understanding,
Linda

Done_With_It

(((...)))

havehope

Hugs to you from another mom. You have made a tough but good decision. Stay strong.
Terri

Cupicake

Bets...
I've kept you and your son in my thoughts.
I'm sorry things didn't work out the way I wished it to.
Stay strong...

Lightenup

Thank you all for your caring responses. My computer has been down, so I just got to read them this morning.

Son came and got a few things yesterday, I couldn't really even look at him at that point.

I do need your friendship. And I appreciate it.

Love as always,
Bets