Even more growth
 

For those of you whove known me a while you may remember that Ive had a ot of core issues with my paternal family and lack of involvement.
My self esteem issues core started there from a very young age, as I was (in my perception) the forgotten one.

Last week my step great granny (whose been married into my family for 30 years now so step really is only a word.) passed away.

I was notified only through the grapevine and got her funeral announcement the same way. I made a condolense phone call and true to my nature of hiding and isolation was gonna leave it at that.

I awoke this morning the day of the funeral with this overwhelming feeling that it was my place to be there and express sympathy the grand (my step grandma) and her children and grandchildren as well as my grandpa.
This morning I went through many feelings of insecurity and ect.

I prepped myself for any comments, told myself if your doing what feels right let no one tell you different, ect.

Decided when I felt uncomfortable I was going to do the opposite of what I normally do and smile big and hold my shoulders high.

You know what?
It went great!!! I faced my fears. Everyone was actually really happy to see me, suprised, but happy. I got to see my baby half sister (no baby she's 19) but Ive only seen her 1 time in ike 10 years.
Met many people who knew me and said good things about me.
And first and foremost I did my goal, my motive was show support and express sympathy formally to my Grand and that I did with much grace, I was the person Ive always wanted to be the outgoing friendly person who I always wished I was and me being there brought joy to manys hearts too.

I was just sad that I couldnt follow back to cemetery and the house, but thats okay.

(I have to say at many times I reached into my codie tool box and repeated phrases Ive heard from alanon, it was really refreshing to not be over come with fear.)

I'm sorry about the loss of your grandma. You faced what could have been a very difficult situation with acceptance and grace. Isn't recovery a wonderful thing?

sorry about your grand cindy, i'm so proud of you and i'm glad that things worked out good for you. love ya and you already know that i'm still praying for ya

I think that graceful lovely lady with class is the REAL you. :)

Good Job Cidi

So proud FOR you!
What an awesome accomplishment thru recovery.

Thanks for sharing that with us.

Rita

I'm really sorry for your loss, but really happy for the strength that you found inside! Way to go!

I am battling a few terrible emotions about my mother. Thanks for this post.

I am proud of you for having the courage to do what you felt was right to do. I can hear how proud you are and I am proud of you too! I think everytime we take a step out of our comfort zone, the next time it is much easier. Good for you!!
Terri

Cinder,

I am sorry about your loss. You handled yourself with grace and dignity.

You have grown so much, and that is a positive for you!

Thank you everyone. I year ago I wouldnt have gone, Ive distanced myself so much through the years that Ive probably not seen Granny since I was an adult, even though I was thought of for some of her furniture and such a few years ago when she went into a nursing home and I still cherish some paintings she bought from local artists that are on my walls

I know everyone never expected my appearance and it meant something that was mature enough and thoughtful enough to share my sympathies with them all and share in remeberance stories.

Hey I even managed to beat the impending panic attacks that threatened the whole way there. Positive thinking has brought me a long way, recovery has brought me far, Im glad to continue to heal that inner child of mine and with each step become more the adult me I really am with each bit I let go of

I'm sorry for your loss but so glad you listened to your heart and made that difficult step to pay your respects. Taking that first step will help all the coming steps. You really have grown so much in your recovery and I love how you have been standing tall and proud! Hugs