FlowerChild1952

Hello from New Jersey.

Im not sure how this works or if I am even posting this in the right place...I am so broken and afraid for my son. I finally walked away from his problem that I made so much mine by being his own personnal enabler. I spend most of my time crying about what I did wrong and why he is a addict, until it has put my marriage in trouble and nearly broke the bank. I do realize he owns this but my heart wont let me free of guilt and pain. I was single all my life until about 8 months ago. I raised my son alone and it wasnt easy. He has done college and worked hard. But now drugs have taken over his life. I need to know how to let go. Sink or swim for him and still have my sanity.

Thanks FC

splendra

((((FC))))

It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep telling yourself that it is his problem. You really will be doing both of you a favor. It sounds like you are able to see your hand in enabling him. You don't have to stop loving him just because you do not enable any longer.

It is not your fault!! Have you checked into alanon?

marle

Welcome to SR FlowerChild, I would say if you raised your son alone and he made it through college, you need to give yourself a big pat on the back. Now drugs have taken over his life. His life as an adult, free to make his own choices. You own nothing in this. You did the best you could, he chose a different path. You could not have stopped him. Whatever his demons were, he made the choice to use drugs. It took me a long time to get over the guilt that I somehow caused my daughter's addiction, but she was raised in a two parent home and had everything a child could ask for. She had all the tools to succeed, but drugs have sidetracked her. Your being a single mom had nothing to do with his choices. If you look around in the world you will see that that is not a prerequisite for drug addiction. It affects all income levels, all races, all sexes, all ages. It does not discriminate. The guilt will only keep you stuck. Feel free to post anytime with anything you want to say. We are here for you and hopefully we can help you to find some peace. Hugs, Marle

p.s. You are absolutely doing the right thing by making him responsible for his addiction.

Spiritual Seeker

read al-anon literature about detachment. His addiction is taking him down, don't let it do the same to you. Regardless of his addiction you have to have the fabulous life you deserve. I will never give up on my own son, but until he wants help, it is out of my hands. I must be grateful for what is working in my life and that is my wonderful marriage.

pjbs55

((FC))
Welcome to SR. I am a mother of an addict also. Please go to Nar-Anon meetings. They have helped me so much. You did the best you could with your son, he chose to use drugs, you did not force him to.
Please remember the 3 c's
1. You did not CAUSE it
2. You can not CONTROL it
3. You can not CURE it.
Please come back and post as often as you need to. We are here for you anytime.
Hugs coming to you

tropikgal2

Hi FlowerChild and welcome to SR. At least you realize now that you have been enabling him (with the best intentions, as all codies do!) and now is time to stop. There is NOTHING you did to cuase his problems. He chose to use drugs. Addicition is a beast like no other and until HE decides to get help there is nothing you can do or say that will make him want to. Take care of yourself is the most important thing. Everyone else comes second. Read the stickies at the top and keep on posting....we'll be here!
(((HUGS)))

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us but hate the reason. i am the mom of an addict son.he started with alcohol at 17 & by the time he was 23 he was hooked on crack & serving his 1st prison term,due to drug related crimes.he is still doing the same thing. this is not my fault & it is not yours. i have been in recovery only 31/2 yrs. but it has saved my sanity.loving my son,bailing him out of jail, forcing him to rehab,paying lawyers, giving him a place to live, none of that made him get clean.i wish i could love him to the point he would stay clean.it does not work like that. they have got to want to get clean more than anything in the world & my son just doesn"t. i lost everything trying to make him clean.i lost my home,$$$$$, & almost lose my sanity. at some point i finally "got it". what i was doing was not helping.he still used & still went to prison.i had to" let go or be dragged." it took baby steps but slowly i am getting there. i still have my moments sometimes but it is not taking my life away from me.you are not alone.we r here. read all the stickys at the top of the forum.read"what addicts do".read all the post here.keep coming back, we are here for you.prayers for your son & for you too.

stefanie

hi, just want to welcome you to S.R. Keep reading and posting,
the support here is wonderful. This place has gotten me through
some very dark days (and nights). Keep coming back, there is
alot of wisdom here!

Louise54

Hi and welcome to SR. I think we all at one time or another have felt guilty about our child's addiction. We're only human. My addict is my 22 year old son. I used to think "if only I didn't baby him so much". "If only, if only, blah blah blah. They have chosen this path for one reason or another but it's know one's fault but the addicts.

Just take care of yourself and know that you are not alone here. There is plenty of wisdom and alot of prayers here. Take care and keep posting.

Lobo

Flowerchild........Welcome. I am the mother if a 26 yr. old daughter who has an addiction. I wasn't single when she was young. Her father passed away when she was 19. That was the beginning of her drug use. I have been going through her addiction as a single parent and it is really tough. It has taken me a long time to let go and let her take responsibility for her problem......but I am learning. I always tried to stay close to her in spite of her addiction because I didn't want her to be without another parent. It doesn't matter how much I do, how much I give, how close I remain........it doesn't fix her. Only she can fix her. I live with my heart broken everyday.........but I am trying to live and be somewhat happy in my own life no matter what. I do know that I deserve a good life and only I can control that.
Please stay with us for support........a lot of mom's here and we all know how you feel. Time to take care of you.

Blessings..............Lo

BigSis

(((flowerchild))) The thing that helped me most was Alanon... I wish you the best.

((hugs))

Spiritual Seeker

What a wonderful awesome fellowship we have here. I wish I could have all of you moms over to spend the day on the deck and beach. I'm sure we would laugh equally as much as we'd cry. I love the support, wisdom and empathy.

greeteachday

Flowerchild...I wanted to add my welcome...I'm another Jersey Girl mom. There are so many wonderful Alanon and Naranon groups in Jersey...I'd really encourage you to add that and SR to your routine. It helps...tremendously. I've learned so much about how to put the focus back on me and only work on controlling "my stuff." I feel so much better in every aspect of my life. The support and friendship here and at meetings is unreal! Hugs and prayers for you and your son.

notsleepingwell

Welcome Flowerchild...
There are many of us mom's here. It's a painful journey, but we walk beside you.

Please feel welcome to post lots...we are open 24/7, my 30 year old daughter is my addict, I'm currently raising her 12 year old son alone. I felt like my ship was going down until I found this place.

Sorry you have to find yourself here...but welcome

BlvninGod

Welcome FlowerChild - we are so glad you are here. This forum is filled with men and women of great knowledge and courage. They have helped me more than I can say. Alanon / Naranon are fabu places! I love those meetings, this forum, my quite time with my HP (higher power - whom I call God, but HP is open to your own personal interpretation)my sponsor and these wonderful online sponsor's. The 3 c's (didn't cause it , can't control it , can't cure it) are tough lessons. I too have an AS, I too know guilt, shame and the power of beating myself up over what I did to cause him to be an addict. i covered bills, bailed out of jail multiple times, bla bla bla. this list is never ending. I am slowly healing myself, I need to get better, I need to stop my own dysfunctional behaviors, I need to set healthy boundaries, and I need to take baby steps everyday with self respect (for myself and others). And I do pray specifically that he will be healed, but I have learned the hard way it will never happen until he wants it. I love him unconditionally, but this is one boo-boo that i can not fix. And yes - that sucks. I don't know if that makes any sense. You are in my prayers. /m

Wascally Wabbit

I too have an addict son. Keep coming here for all the support you need. It's a wonderful place.

krhea75

Flower,
I am the mom of a 17 year old addict, so young and so sad. the hardest thing for me to learn was that in taking care of myself and focusing on myself, i was really doing the best thing for both of us. It's a paradox that is hard to understand until you experience it. I know the desperation you feel, it sucks us all in at one time or another. hang in there and start taking care of you.
krhea

FlowerChild1952

Thank you all for the warm greetings and well wishes. I after reading your posts almost feel ashamed to act and think I was the only one out here with this problem. I guess I have had my head stuck in the sand. I have cried over these posts because now I feel im not alone and there is help out there. I read and listened to all and today am finding me a meeting of nar anon. I thought two years ago stage four cancer would of been my biggest battle...but now looking at my son I see this is not so. It took me ten years to see and admit im a enabler..lets pray that it sticks and I move on to get healthy myself. I want to join the living again and enjoy my new husband and what ever God has planned for me. Again thanks so much for the words and welcome. I will stick to this site and will get the support group help.

FC

bookmiser

(((((((FlowerChild))))))))


Wanted to add my welcome. I missed doin' it last night. Sorry.
Lots of great support before me. Here's mine too....
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
My 25 yo son is the addict in my life. We don't live together anymore.
Too much drama for me. I truly believe he's much better out from under my wing.
At least "out there" he has to make his own choices in life and suffer his own consequences. When he lives with me....arrrggggg!
I'm glad you found soberrecovery. It's been my lifeline since 2005.
Read around, get to a meeting, and pick up some literature.
Melodie Beattie's books "Codependent, No More and Beyond Codependency".
Just to name a few. Your not alone here. Your among some of the nicest people I know. Hope you stick around.
Sending prayers up for you and your son,
Linda

Spiritual Seeker

amen