Need to talk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1
Need to talk
Hello. My name is Donna. I am 35 and have been married to an addict for 18 years. We have 3 children. My husband's drug of choice is crack. He recently have another "relapse" and spent all the money in his checking account. He was suppost to be at t training class overnight for work. Well he checked into the hotel but that night, he made several withdrawls from our joint checking account and spent all the money in there plus some that the bank grants automatically. He is denying it and even has his parents thinking that it's me that is lying about the whole thing just to kick him out, once again. I am very sad about the situation but have been dealing with his addiction for our entire life together. My kids are sad that he had picked crack over us once again. I love my husband and don't want to fail in this marriage by divorcing him but I do know and understand that I'm not the one failing here. Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated as I don't have any support group, so to speak. I don't have any living family members, just me and my kids.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
hello donna & welcome to S.R. my son is 36 & he also is a crack addict. i do know what your husband is putting you thru with his using.i have watched what my a.s. has put his wife & children thru & there was nothing i could do to stop him, nothing his wife or teen children could do.he also was using when he got married & his wife knew.i am three yrs into recovery.i wish i had know at the early stages of his use what i do now.the 3c's helped me alot. i did not CAUSE it, i can not CONTROL it & I CAN NOT cure it. i am learning to take care of myself.i am powerless over him & his drug.read all the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do". read around all the post the others have written.there is alot of info here. i am sorry what u & your kids are going thru. please keep coming back & stay safe.it only gets worse untill he decideds he wants to get better. prayers for you,your husband & children.hugs,hope
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
You have not failed in your marriage, he has, by choosing addiction over you and his children. This is his choice.
I wish I had a magic wand to erase addiction from his life, but, I do not, nor do you.
Until he chooses recovery for life, backed up with a strong program, nothing will change.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. Keep posting, it will help.
You have not failed in your marriage, he has, by choosing addiction over you and his children. This is his choice.
I wish I had a magic wand to erase addiction from his life, but, I do not, nor do you.
Until he chooses recovery for life, backed up with a strong program, nothing will change.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. Keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi Donna, welcome to SR! You will find much support here. You are not alone in having this problem. My ex boyfriend was addicted to crack. I broke up with him a few months ago because after 3+ years I gave up on the hope that he would ever stop. I read a book called "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie and this book helped me so much to deal with the situation of being with an addict.
Have you ever been to a nar-anon meeting or an al-anon meeting? They are for friends and family of substance abusers and many people find these meetings beneficial. Also I suggest reading the "stickies" at the top of this forum page. There is a lot of good information there.
You wrote that you do not want to "fail" in your marriage, If you DO decide that you cannot stay in this marriage, I hope that you will not feel that you have "failed". It is very difficult if not impossible to stay with an addict.
Keep posting, you will find you are not alone here.
Have you ever been to a nar-anon meeting or an al-anon meeting? They are for friends and family of substance abusers and many people find these meetings beneficial. Also I suggest reading the "stickies" at the top of this forum page. There is a lot of good information there.
You wrote that you do not want to "fail" in your marriage, If you DO decide that you cannot stay in this marriage, I hope that you will not feel that you have "failed". It is very difficult if not impossible to stay with an addict.
Keep posting, you will find you are not alone here.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome, sorry that you have to be here but glad you found us. the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs and he's been addicted to crack the whole time too. i had no idea of the life that i was buying into but its been one long ride. we've been seperated most of those yrs due to his addiction. i lost count yrs ago of the amountof money and valuables thats been unaccounted for.
i'm sorry but unless your husband is willing to seek help for himself, then there is not much you can do. this has nothing to do with you. its the bad choices that he is making for himself and for you if you allow him to take you down with him.
maybe you could seperate your finances from his and maybe step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions. my hubby blames me for everything he goes through, let him tell it, i'm the craziest person on earth. addicts blame everyone but themselves, this is just what addicts do.
have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? there is a lot of helpful info there. learn all you can about addiction and codependancy. stick around and read and keep posting. we here recommend alanon and naranon support groups for families, they are so helpful. you are no along anymore, there are a lot of wise and caring people here who understand just what you are going through, we all have been or in where you are right now. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers
i'm sorry but unless your husband is willing to seek help for himself, then there is not much you can do. this has nothing to do with you. its the bad choices that he is making for himself and for you if you allow him to take you down with him.
maybe you could seperate your finances from his and maybe step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions. my hubby blames me for everything he goes through, let him tell it, i'm the craziest person on earth. addicts blame everyone but themselves, this is just what addicts do.
have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? there is a lot of helpful info there. learn all you can about addiction and codependancy. stick around and read and keep posting. we here recommend alanon and naranon support groups for families, they are so helpful. you are no along anymore, there are a lot of wise and caring people here who understand just what you are going through, we all have been or in where you are right now. i'll keep you and your family in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Donna,
Welcome to SR! I'm so glad you found this site. Its been such a blessing in my life and I hope it is for you too.
The addict in my life is my exhusband. (exah) We were married for about 4 years and had a little boy together before he decided to give heroin a try.
I remember feeling like a 'failure' too. I truly believed that I was supposed to stay in the marriage no matter what. Leaving my exah and divorcing him felt 'wrong' on so many levels. It took me a long time to make peace with my decision to divorce. After alot of prayer and reflection, I came to believe that divorce was the answer to my prayers. I believe my higher power (God) knows everything that happened, how hard I tried to do the 'right' thing, and that the last thing He wanted was for me and our son to live our life surrounded by the darkness of drugs. Only you can decide whats right in your life but you've definitely come to a great place for support no matter what you decide. I remember what a relief it was to 'talk' to people who understood because they'd been there. I didn't feel so all alone anymore. That, in itself, was a huge blessing in my life.
I'm always so sorry to hear about yet another family harmed by addiction. I'm glad you're here...I hope you let us get to know you better. We all learn so much from each other...and there is so much support to be found.
Welcome to SR! I'm so glad you found this site. Its been such a blessing in my life and I hope it is for you too.
The addict in my life is my exhusband. (exah) We were married for about 4 years and had a little boy together before he decided to give heroin a try.
I remember feeling like a 'failure' too. I truly believed that I was supposed to stay in the marriage no matter what. Leaving my exah and divorcing him felt 'wrong' on so many levels. It took me a long time to make peace with my decision to divorce. After alot of prayer and reflection, I came to believe that divorce was the answer to my prayers. I believe my higher power (God) knows everything that happened, how hard I tried to do the 'right' thing, and that the last thing He wanted was for me and our son to live our life surrounded by the darkness of drugs. Only you can decide whats right in your life but you've definitely come to a great place for support no matter what you decide. I remember what a relief it was to 'talk' to people who understood because they'd been there. I didn't feel so all alone anymore. That, in itself, was a huge blessing in my life.
I'm always so sorry to hear about yet another family harmed by addiction. I'm glad you're here...I hope you let us get to know you better. We all learn so much from each other...and there is so much support to be found.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Donna
Great advice given before me. The people here all have an addict in their life who we dearly love. Mine is my almost 21 yr old daughter. I have learned much here just reading what everyone else talks about. Some of it was exactly what I was feelingi; like they had lived my life! I learn from every post on here, whether it is about a spouse, friend, or child. An addict is an addict. I am sorry about your situation but glad your found this site.
Terri
Great advice given before me. The people here all have an addict in their life who we dearly love. Mine is my almost 21 yr old daughter. I have learned much here just reading what everyone else talks about. Some of it was exactly what I was feelingi; like they had lived my life! I learn from every post on here, whether it is about a spouse, friend, or child. An addict is an addict. I am sorry about your situation but glad your found this site.
Terri
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
HI Donna and welcome to SR. I have nothing to add except that you have the power to change your life; you do not have the power to change his---only he can do that. There are a lot of people on this thread before me who gave some good advice. I hope you stay with us.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Hi Donna and Welcome.
18 years is a long time. I have nothing really to add to the wise words already posted. I am agreeing that you have not failed the marriage, he has by choosing to relapse.
You are the one who may be faced with making very hard choices in the future. I am sorry for your having to suffer that.
Often the spouses and significant others of addicts are told they are crazy and lying by the addicts and the addict's family.
It is helpful to start your own program and your own recovery here and at AlAnon and/or NarAnon meetings so you can have a place to go where everyone knows you aren't lying and are not crazy and for you to know you are not alone.
18 years is a long time. I have nothing really to add to the wise words already posted. I am agreeing that you have not failed the marriage, he has by choosing to relapse.
You are the one who may be faced with making very hard choices in the future. I am sorry for your having to suffer that.
Often the spouses and significant others of addicts are told they are crazy and lying by the addicts and the addict's family.
It is helpful to start your own program and your own recovery here and at AlAnon and/or NarAnon meetings so you can have a place to go where everyone knows you aren't lying and are not crazy and for you to know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR Donna. The addict in my life is my daughter aged 21. She lives with her crack addicted boyfriend who is 37 and has three young daughters. He chooses to buy himself and my daughter drugs rather than pay child support or give his daughters anything. Even sold a piece of property that was supposed to go for his kids college education. This man makes a lot of money and his children should not have to worry about money, but due to his addiction they live in poverty. Take care of yourself and your children first. Protect their future because that is the last thing on your husband's mind. A good book to read to understand the crack addict is called "Broken" by William Cope Moyers. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Pa
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by donna35 
Hello. My name is Donna. I am 35 and have been married to an addict for 18 years. We have 3 children. My husband's drug of choice is crack. He recently have another "relapse" and spent all the money in his checking account. He was suppost to be at t training class overnight for work. Well he checked into the hotel but that night, he made several withdrawls from our joint checking account and spent all the money in there plus some that the bank grants automatically. He is denying it and even has his parents thinking that it's me that is lying about the whole thing just to kick him out, once again. I am very sad about the situation but have been dealing with his addiction for our entire life together. My kids are sad that he had picked crack over us once again. I love my husband and don't want to fail in this marriage by divorcing him but I do know and understand that I'm not the one failing here. Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated as I don't have any support group, so to speak. I don't have any living family members, just me and my kids.
If you're able to kick him out don't consider yourself a failure in your marriage. Your kids come first. I'm trying to work up the strength to leave my AH because I don't have enough nerve to have him removed from the house. He won't leave willingly. Also think about keeping all of your money seperate from his. Be safe!
I gave up on worrying what my AH's family thinks because I think they're also in denial of some sort.
If you want to talk, I'm here, hope4better
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 5
Hi Donna35,
I am in your situation as of now. Hubby has been into detox and rehab and thinks that he can get off crack/cocaine. We are in process of leaving the state and starting fresh. I feel like a fool that we are doing this but he wants to prove to his dad (who passed away this Valentine's day) that he can start fresh without any drugs and live a decent life. I am giving him a few months and if he starts up again the kids and i are gone. I just can't believe that I am still here giving him a chance still.
My point is, is that there is so much that you can take and when it boils over you'll know what you need to do. I've had it with hubs trust me but I do love him and I am giving him this last and ONLY chance. I have my kids to think right now.
I wish the best for you and your family.
I am in your situation as of now. Hubby has been into detox and rehab and thinks that he can get off crack/cocaine. We are in process of leaving the state and starting fresh. I feel like a fool that we are doing this but he wants to prove to his dad (who passed away this Valentine's day) that he can start fresh without any drugs and live a decent life. I am giving him a few months and if he starts up again the kids and i are gone. I just can't believe that I am still here giving him a chance still.
My point is, is that there is so much that you can take and when it boils over you'll know what you need to do. I've had it with hubs trust me but I do love him and I am giving him this last and ONLY chance. I have my kids to think right now.
I wish the best for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
you aren't alone many of us...to many of us are or have been where you are.
My Ah is also addicted to crack, I knew about his "past" and married him anyway because I truely believed it was past.........but 1 1/2 years ago he relapsed and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least..................there are so many difficult issues when dealing with an addict..............but there are many here to listen and offer support.
The book co dependant no more by melody bettie helped me alot..................I'm still learning ..............slowly but what I have found here is that focusing on me, how I feel what I want and what I need has helped me at least feel somewhat better......taking the focus off him helps too............
Take care and stick around!!
My Ah is also addicted to crack, I knew about his "past" and married him anyway because I truely believed it was past.........but 1 1/2 years ago he relapsed and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least..................there are so many difficult issues when dealing with an addict..............but there are many here to listen and offer support.
The book co dependant no more by melody bettie helped me alot..................I'm still learning ..............slowly but what I have found here is that focusing on me, how I feel what I want and what I need has helped me at least feel somewhat better......taking the focus off him helps too............
Take care and stick around!!
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