HKAngel24

Realization:

I am sitting here at work today thinking how many faces and forms victimization can take. I have honestly been feeling so deeply insecure and unlovable and unworthy of things that I have reacting and living in fear of rejection, abandonment and that despite all the drama and mistreatment that abf may not love me/want me anymore. It is such a visceral fear for me- and often feels very unshakable.
Seems when I open myself up to someone I hand them the key to my happiness, self-worth and self-esteem and then I behave like a puppet on strings- being swung about emotionally by their every move.
I have been able to separate the drug addiction from the feelings for me- but more fears keep spurting up that I believe reveal my deepest fear: that I really am unlovable and inadequate and that no one would want me.

The alternative is me pushing ahead, scared as all h*ll.
I have operated from this fear much of my life- but it really is victimization in a form. It is saying that MY feelings about myself do not determine my worth, but rather the others do- especially a very sick other person. I do not know why I seem to think that rehab will magically make him some clear-headed, sane, rational and strong individual who could not possibly desire the likes of me and my dysfunction. This is so absurd because HE is the drug addict.
So in all this worrying- I am really handing my power away AGAIN. I am still not accepting responsibility for the way I FEEL ABOUT ME or the things I feel I “deserve” to think, feel and do.
I think that this is another situation where I need to accept powerlessness. I am powerless over whether or not someone chooses to accept me, but I am not powerless over whether or not I accept myself.

(This has been EXTREMELY hard to write since that whole OCD portion of my brain fears writing anything about my feelings/fears for fear that they will either come true or will someone have this horrible control over me. Sometimes I feel the reverse that others experience- the "purging" on paper is actually the opposite for me sometimes. I often feel that putting things down in words- in front of me somehow supercharges them and gives them power over me.
Honesty is very difficult and uncomfortable for me.
Even sitting here now I want to erase it.
But I know change is necessary and essential for me at this moment.
If I keep doing what I've always done, I will keep getting what I've always gotten.)

MsPINKAcres

I wonder how many of us write out threads to post & then delete them before posting.

As I read your post, I was thinking how brave she is to share these feelings with so many - How awesome that she can be so open and honest with others - Then I read you last couple of lines and I think - we have so much in common -

I too hear the old phrase - "Name it claim it" coming back from my younger days - saying that if I give the fears words, I give them a place to grow - so don't even give the fear words - push it aside.

Then I remember that old way of thinking doesn't work for me anyone. I have learned that nothing I say or do has the power to mess up my HP's plans for me and my life - I'm not that powerful.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us - it encourages others to keep sharing also (especially me).

And yes, I'm sure that your HP wants you to accept yourself just as your are - because a wonderful special human being - forever growing, changing, and becoming as planned by that infinite love.

Thanks again,
Rita

doneforsure

Heather.
I haven't met you, but I've been following your posts. Heather you are an extremely intelligent young lady. Sometimes analyzing and thinking about things is something we need to do, but then other times, as one therapist put it to me, sometimes we just need to be, to just exist, to push everything out of our minds and live in the moment. It's easier said than done, but it can be done. Heather, there probably isn't a person in this world who doesn't have one issue or another. One thing we codies seem to do a lot is to be very very hard on ourselves at times. One thing I did when I realized I needed to change something, and it took practice, was to tell myself everyday something I liked about myself, to start removing the negative scripts I had told myself myself day after day.

Everyone of us deserves to be treated with respect, dignity, and love, but not everyone will give that to us, you're right. When I started removing the negative scripts, one by one, that I had been telling myself over the years, I began to think differently, and then eventually feel differently. It's ok if we fall. If we fall, we get back up and keep trying. The important thing is that we are constantly learning, about ourselves and others, but sometimes we just need to give our brains a break and stop thinking so hard about it, and just treat ourselves to something we like, and just let our feelings for that something good take over, even if it's just for a few minutes.

dollydo

Rationalizing= Devising self-satisfying but incorrect reasons for one's behavior.

Analyzing= To examine minutely or critically.

Heather, we all have problems, we all have issues to resolve, but we all do not rationalize and analyze the same issues over and over again. We zero in on the problem, do our analyzing,and put what we have learned into motion.

Don't you think it's time to put all this self analyzation into motion? Take what you know and do something with it.

GiveLove

I was going to post this brilliant reply, but doneforsure went and beat me to it. You're one wise dude, done! Heather, hope you are able to NOT delete things like this more and more in the future. It just takes practice. It *all* just takes practice. And take it from my dad: he didn't say "practice makes perfect"......he said "practice makes permanent." And for once in his life he was right!

GL