blue pansy

Hi to all,
I could use some suggestions about what to do with AD (21) when she gets out of rehab on Monday. She knows I won't put up with active using when she's here again, but I'm at a loss as to how to treat her???
She already knows that her finances are at an all time low. Cell is out of service for non-payment. Credit card debt is worse than ever before. And it's her problem. For a phone there's an old prepaid laying around, she could use that if she has money for minutes. She knows that she won't get any money from me. I take that back I MAY give her money for books when she returns to school.
She can have my advice if she asks for it.
She's lucky she has her job waiting for her and has said she may get another to try and get more money together.
But in general, should I treat her any different than I treated her before addiction?
Even though that's so long ago I don't honestly remember. I realize "hands off" will work just fine, but any words of wisdom would be welcome. I'm sure some have had a lot more experience with this than I have.

Ann

Just treat her like your daughter and don't be afraid and walk on eggshells like I always did when my son got out of rehab. She'll be fine or she won't be fine regardless of what you do or say, so relax and just let life happen.

It helped me to try to get past the addiction and just talk about everyday stuff...conversations like I'd have with a friend or any family member.

Hope this goes well for both of you.

Hugs

hope213

when my son came home from prison last sept. i had really worked my recovery hard everyday trying to prepare for him. i treated him well, i let him know that i loved him,told him everyday, just like i always had.i kept my mouth shut about everything.i kept all my opinions to my self.i had heard a new say"Lord,keep one hand on my shoulder & the other over my mouth".i wrote it on my black board (it is still there) & i praticeced it. when he was arrested in dec..(not using) i was heartbroken.i still pratice this.i do not discuss his recovery at all with him.that works for me.set your boundries from the start. prayers everything goes good for you & her.

Wascally Wabbit

I believe they had all that structure while in rehab and they need it when they get out. Perhaps a talk and a plan about what's expected of her, and what you're willing to do.
Get it in a contract you work out together. Both of you sign it. I used that several times in the past. It worked out pretty good.

Spiritual Seeker

The mistake I made when my AS went to rehab the 1st time was let him move home.
The second time he went to rehab upon his release instead of home he went to a sober living house. There are many that are affordable. They set the rules about curfews, how many mtgs. a week must be attended, drug testing etc. It keeps the parent from having to be the warden. The conseq for breaking the rules at sober living is they get evicted, they hang out with others in recovery etc etc.

ladyamalthea

The first thing that comes to my mind is set rules and make sure she knows you mean them. Secondly, be encouraging.

*hugs and prayers*

caileesnana

Thanks for the post. My daughter comes home after 54 days Sunday. I have wondered the same things.
susan

Hangin' In

Oh gosh, the ole "move home after rehab" situation. Yep, I know it well.

I don't know how good you are at keeping your mouth shut, but I was horrible at it, even after being in Al Anon for a while. Old habits die hard, ya know? But I realized that my AD's recovery is just that....HERS. So I had to vow to keep my mouth shut and not ask her about meetings, or where she was going, or didn't she think she should do this or that, blah, blah, blah.

I had to go to LOTS of meetings to keep my focus on myself because I am so good at focusing on her. But the problem with that is when my focus is on her, I am a total mess. Meetings, meetings, phone calls to Al Anon friends, posting on this board, more meetings, more phone calls, more posts here....that's how I made it.

And duct tape ain't a bad idea if you're like me . Nothing I say is going to help her "get it" any quicker. In fact, when I DO say something, it only pushes her more the other way.

I'm going to shoot straight with you. This won't be easy, having a front row seat to all of this. I figured out real quick like that it works better for both me and my daughter if she's recovering AWAY from her mama. Both of our recovery programs seem to go better that way.

Just remember, it's one day at a time.

Hugs
Hangin' In

BigSis

We didn't do so well. The best thing for both my kids was an Oxford House. At 21, she is old enough to be supporting herself. The great thing about an Oxford House is that the rent is low, in some houses, soap/paper towels/toiletpaper/laundry soap are provided as part of the rent, and the house generally requires active recovery.

You might check them out... just type oxfordhouse.org into the address line of your internet browser to find a house in your area. There is often a waiting list - so maybe she could just come home for the short period until something opens up. My kids both had to learn the universe does not revolve around THEM... Oxford Houses help with that, too.

I wish you well.

marle

I know that you want her to finish college. Just be careful that you don't let your dreams get in the way of her recovery. My daughter held college over my head a few times. She knew how important it was to me. Too bad it was not as important to her. Focus on one day at a time. If she breaks your rules then maybe consider that she needs to live elsewhere (even if that means that college may not be possible for her now). I know that the harder we try to keep them in that nice little dream that we have for them, the more enmeshed we become and the crazier too. Your daughter is going to do what she wants to do. Only she can stop the digging and find a way out of the hole that SHE created. Sending prayers because I truly hope it works out for her. Hugs, Marle

laketime

I agree with spirit and sis. when my as left rehab, we let him return home with one of those contract the counselors fill out with hiim and you. one year later, hes been active and in a lot of trouble. i wish i had sent him to a halfway, or oxford then. hes in an oxford now going on three weeks but i really don't know how long thats going to last. his behavior is not good using or not, anyway i would let her research halfways or oxfords close to her school and let her go there. in the nashville area the oxfords ran anywhere from $65 to $125 per week. i know the feeling you have, she's been away, you missed her, you don't want her to think your just abandoning her, i had those feelings and they were detrimental to my recovery as well as my as.

caileesnana

There is a ministry, You Are Not Alone. google John Vawter and read his testimony. His daughter became a heroin addict and is now 12 years clean. It is inspiring and helpful.

rahsue

my son is a quiet guy, he doesn't speak so much, so asking questions or him talking about drugs and recovery was just about out of the question. He was depressed, later he admitted to me that he was ashamed of being an addict. How could he be so weak was one thing he said to me. So for me I treated him the same as I always did with the exception of lots of praise for things I saw him do that was for recovery, such as writing in his journal, going to meetings, not going to the bars. he still has a long way to go but then again so do I.

good luck

marle

I believe John Vawter's story is in the book "Hit by a Ton of Bricks" Good read as it was written by ministers and their wives who have addicted children. Marle

caileesnana

Yes, it is the same ministry. There are also excerpts on their seminars to view on the website also.

nmt51605

I Agree With Everything That Has Been Sed So Far. Just Remember Do Not Enable An Addict. The Worst Thing You Could Do Is Enable Her Financially! And If You Plan On Giving Her Large Amounts Of Money For School Always Ask For A Receipt. Try To Get Counsling For Yourself It Has Helped Me Alot. I Started Going To A Counsler Before My Bf Got Out Of Rehab And It Helped Alot. Go To Meetings Also If Possible .there Are Alot People That Can Help You Get Through This And Help You Cope With Your Daughter After She Gets Out. One Thing That I Was Told Before My Bf Got Out Was dont Expect Your Addict To Be 100% After They Get Out. You Are Going To Learn How To Deal With Her All Over Again

Best Wishes To You We Are All Here For You

blue pansy

Thanks to all for you esh and prayers, we will sure need them.
College is the one thing that she really wants and is paid for by financial aid and her loans. If I pay for college it's me going back not her. Through all of this she has had a 3.0 average and that's with using, and it's not an easy school.
She'll only be here for one month before she goes back, so I can't see making her live elsewhere until then and why make her spend the money she needs for bills for rent. She'll be on her own at school soon enough.
She's been on meds for depression and such for a while and she feels that they have helped her quite a bit with her moods.
My usual answer to her is list your options, figure out the best one and let her take it from there. If she asks for my input, then I'll give it to her, after hearing what her options are. If I come up with something she hasn't thought of, I may give her another option.
I don't plan on being the warden here at the home jail, she'll mainly be on her own to sink or swim. I don't plan on walking on eggshells either, my house - my rules and she's known that for a long time. I will remember the duct tape that may come in handy.
She made the decision for detox and rehab, she was not forced to go there. She's now decided that her old bf has to go as he has not done anything towards recovery. She's made arrangements to get to meetings and 2 other's from rehab that are all getting out the same week will keep in touch and help each other to try and stay clean.
Me-- I'll be at meetings, using the phone list, going to work, going out, doing all my little projects around the house, posting, helping out with great nieces and hopefully keeping my big mouth shut.........

Done_With_It

Everyone's given you great advice, but jmo, don't forget to be proud of her for her efforts. I know she messed up, but what she is doing and has accomplished right now is something many addicts will never do, or will never reach that point.
Sometimes all we need to hear is that our mom's our proud of us, believe me, we know that we've messed up. (Just a flip side of it.)


You mom's don't always have to be so quite.

Sounds like you've got an amazing daughter, I wish you both all the luck!

teke

just want to chime in and send hugs and prayers. sending up a special prayer that your daughter will continue on her road to recovery.