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AS in jail

Old 07-11-2007, 11:07 PM
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AS in jail

Well my AS finally got caught. He has been to rehab 2x but didn't complete the program either time. He was 3 days from completion last May. He said it wasn't his time, he didn't think he had hit bottom. Well I got two calls this morning 4:30 a.m. "I'm in jail, got a DUI, and possesion charges. He wants me to bail him out, and I say sorry, tried to help you this is your doing and you pay the price. I am so glad that I have been reading this site, in order to stay firm with my decison. I told him I love him and will pray for him, but the rest was up to him. He is suppose to appear before the judge on Friday, but we will not be there. I feel I was able to handle the phone call with out falling apart, but now I am worried if they release him he will want to come home. He was living with a friend, who moved on Monday, and he doesn't have any where to live. I am wondering what they will do in court.

I hope this is his bottom, and that he is having time to think about his choices in life. He is 21, and not on the right path. I can't believe as parents that we have to face this. I had a call from the probation department today, to verify what he had told them. I think at 21, they should not even call me. They wanted to know how long he had been in the county and where he had worked. They said if he was released would he be able to come back to home. I told the worker that I really didn't know what he was arrested for, and that I would respond to that answer.

I just pray for my son, and that his dad and I can stay strong in our decision to not enable him any further. His car, I am sure is impounded, which is a lot of money, and we are not paying for that either.

I think the best thing if I get any more calls from jail is to not anwer them. He was crying saying you are going to just let me stay here. I told him I didn't put him there but his choices did.

Please pray for my son, and my husband and I.
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Old 07-11-2007, 11:28 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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You demonstrate amazing strength. Your son has a lifestyle that is hard to believe as does my son. We have to figure this out as we go. It seems like you are doing just as you should. I know it is not easy; I do pray for your family.
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Old 07-12-2007, 01:06 AM
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I agree. You are amazingly strong. I'm praying for ya!
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:06 AM
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(((((((((Ustoo)))))))))))


Like SS said. You demonstrate amazing strength.
It takes so much strength not to rush to their aid, I know.
I was still doing that when my son was 21. He's 25 now and I have to have hubby tie me down when things come up concerning him that I can't control and I want to rush to "help". I want to call it mother instinct, but who are we foolin' here? lol
We're codies...
Put me in a room full of people and like a moth to a flame, I'm honing in on who needs me the most. lol
Well, not so much anymore. I wanna say age is the reason I'm stronger and wiser, but that's not all. It's recovery. Working daily to change my way of thinking and taking care of me and my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my son as I'm sure you love yours, yet there comes a time that if we don't step back away from the "mess" they create and let them find a way to get out of it on their own, we are goin' down with that ship, and I don't know 'bout you, but I can't let that happen.
Your doing what you need to do. If he needs a place to come too, and you have no choice, (oxford house, shelter, rehab) make sure that boundries are firmly in place and pray to God for the strength and courage to fight a good fight, cause you just may be doin' alot of that. I'm praying for you and your family.
Keep sharing, it helps.
Hugs,
Linda
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:18 AM
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For my part, I think you are doing the right thing. There are halfway houses he can go to, the Salvation Army, and so on.

This could be a pivitol experience for him, he just might start making the right choices, for him.

We are here for you.
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:35 AM
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Ustoo, you are doing not only the right thing but also the most loving thing you could do for your son right now...letting him live the consequences of his actions.

If he is released, perhaps have a list handy of detoxes, shelters (that all have counselling and will help him get in a program if he wants one), and perhaps the local AA or NA number where he can call people who can help him more than you or I ever could. That way he has choices, good choices, and you don't have to be his only choice. Then let him make his choice and live with it.

My prayers go out for all of you. My thoughts are that his Higher Power has him exactly where he needs to be right now,

Hugs
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:38 AM
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At 21 he can sort things out for himself. Rather than you deciding his fate, let the courts. If he doesn't have the option of coming home, then maybe he will go where he needs to go, into a treatment center or sober living facility. Necessity is the mother of invention. He knows that you love him, even though he is not getting what he wants right now. He knows that his choices got him where he is, even though he might not want to admit that right now. Sending you some hugs and some prayers that things work out just the way they should. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-12-2007, 05:06 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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I think you are doing what is best for your son.

I have a brother who has been in and out of prison so many times and my mom was always right there bailing him out, hiring lawyers, visiting him, sending care packages. I can't help but wonder if she had said you are on your own kid if it would have turned out differently. Now at 50 years old he is looking at 20 years. He calls it his "retirement program".

I know that you do not want your son to turn out like that. Stay strong. I will be praying for you and your son.
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Old 07-12-2007, 05:11 AM
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wow..I wish I did that when my daughter was 21. I know this is a difficult thing to do, buts its the only thing to do if he is ever gonna get it. You are doing this because you love him.
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Old 07-12-2007, 05:17 AM
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I am sending prayers for you and your family. Your son is in the place he needs to br in at this time. When he goes to court he will end up where he needs to be. Hopefully he will have a choice and he will choose the right one, a rehab. Sometimes Judges will say you can go to rehab or jail so I hope your son takes the right choice and use it to get the help he needs.
You are doing the right thing for all of you, your strength is really showing.
Good luck,
Hugs
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Old 07-12-2007, 05:55 AM
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you are strong in your recovery.i know this is hard but you can do it.my a.s. is 36yrs old.i wish i had found recovery when he was that age.know you are doing the right thing.sending prayers for you,your husband & your son.i hope he reaches his bottom soon.
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:10 AM
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You totally did the right thing. Hopefully one day he will "Get it" and start on the path to permanent recovery.
((HUGS))
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:41 AM
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Agree w/ all the above. I pray this is his bottom, his time. You and yours are in my prayers,susan
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:55 AM
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You are a very strong lady. You absolutely did the right thing. My as never had gotten jail time, so I can't even imagine. My prayers are with you and your family.
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Old 07-12-2007, 07:08 AM
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I ditto the above. Sometimes we have to do hurtful things to save our children.
You sound like you are doing all of the right things. I know it doesn't seem like you are helping him.......but you are.

Prayers to you and your family..........Lo
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Old 07-12-2007, 08:21 AM
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let it grow!
 
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prayers to you and your family, k
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Old 07-12-2007, 11:01 AM
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hi, welcome to sr. the addict in my life is my hubby, glad to meet you

i think that you and your husband are very strong and loving parents. my family kind of stepped back too and allowed me to suffer the consequences of my own action while i was active in my addiction. at that time, i thought that i had the worse and the cruelest family on the planet and i was very angry and upset with them, but what they did, gave me the determining drive that i needed to finally choose to help myself. today i'm a few yrs clean and i'm eternally grateful to my family for turning their heads when they did.

when ever your son finally do decide that its his time to get help and work a program, he'll soon be grateful that you choose not to continue to enable him. i think what you and your husband are doing, is helping your son more than you know. i think that its a loving thing, at least now you know that he is safe and not dying that slow death out on the streets.

maybe once he is out, you could consider a halfway recovery house or something. there are ways to avoid him coming strainght to your house out of jail. keeping you and your family in my prayers
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Old 07-12-2007, 01:18 PM
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I really appreciate all the support from everyone. We will take it a day at a time. Yes, I will be working on a list of places he can go if he choses, not our house. I just had a talk with him on Sunday, about his choices. He told me that he could change all on his own, didn't need rehab or sober living house. Well I guess he didn't figure it out soon enough.

I am relieved that I haven't gotten anymore calls. I believe tomorrow will be his court date, so I don't know what will happen then. I will just wait and see if he calls, or comes by and then give him a list of the options as I see them, and he can then make his own choice.

Again thank you for the prayers and support!
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Old 07-12-2007, 01:34 PM
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prayers to you and as, my as is 20 hes done the jail thing and has another court date on the 3rd, hope for the best
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Old 07-12-2007, 03:49 PM
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Hi ustoo,
I can tell you I have two sons in jail.
After the first couple of times bailing them out, I refused to ever do that again. I made them both understand that if they don't like jail, then quit commiting crimes.
I wound up nearly pennyless because of helping them. I am 52. I don't need to be pennyless! They sure as heck won't help me if I need it, they can't even help themselves.
So, now they both sit in jail. And I am not having to deal with any chaos what so ever. I am at peace. Believe it or not, you will be too.
I listened to the pitiful bleating of both sons, so "sorry" for their actions etc. It really got to me. For a while.
Then, I decided that it really is all up to them to change. I don't have to be miserable because of their decisions. I would tell them the bigger hole they dig, the harder it is to get out of it. Momma won't help any more.
I have really stuck to that!
I don't regret it, nor do I feel one single ounce of regret either.
It's the best thing we can do for them.
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