ups and downs

Old 07-11-2007, 09:16 PM
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ups and downs

well, I left you guys with the abf going to jail. that was over a month ago.

He didn't end up going...and of course I took him back and he even moved in ...

sober-ish for a month...clean for a month... and of course the usual happened last weekend. I told him to leave, I changed my mind, we figured it could all be fixed..bla bla. you know the drill...

goes out last night, disappears..well, I went to work, figured he would show up at my place while I was there and do the usual-- crash out, apologize etc. and I would do the usual--let him stay.

BUT NO. he packs up all his stuff, tells me he is leaving, that I shouldn't contact him, that we are just making each other miserable, etc.

well, I of course was devastated, cried and cried, begged him not to go, called and left messages telling him I loved him..bla bla bla.

he calls, tells me it is over, and of course I get the typical -- i am the psychopath thing..and of course I feel guilty, and think about all the mistakes I made and I apologize and plead etc.

and then, and mother calls. Now she knows nothing of all this, so I just say, while sobbing that she has to come up, and she does ASAP, and I tell her everything, all of it, the drugs, the drinking, .... I was so relieved to finally be able to tell her what is going on, for her to understand my depression and moodiness and crankiness. I was so relieved to have her support and care.

man, and then the HP steps in and out of no where first one of my brothers calls, and then the other and for the first time since I started on this nightmare I had my family rallying around and it felt so good to get it all out in the open, to have support for my part of this struggle.

I almost feel like I can handle it...handle the break-up, the pain, the loneliness, all of it.

oddly enough everyone I have spoken to including abf's mom thinks he is going to be right back on my door step sometime soon. But I am pretty convinced he won't, he has already started on the detaching method of vilifying me, I am a psycho, I am greedy (for wanting to be paid back!) I am unwilling to change, I just want to control. bla bla bla.

Monday we had a good day together and through our discussions I came to a much clearer understanding of what he is dealing with and felt a growing compassion for him. we had a really great day yesterday, spent time together, went on an outdoors course together, we spent the afternoon in bed, last night, for the billionth time, he tells me he loves me then leaves to go to town and for the upteenth time leaves me at home alone and opts to sit in a bar and eventually a crack house, less than 12 hours after spending an afternoon loving each other he takes all his stuff and leaves and tells me not to contact him.

Oh well. At the end of the day it takes two people to have a relationship and if he doesn't want to there is nothing I can do about it.

can't really figure out what I want, I just know I want the sober and clean him and it seems doubtful that will happen anytime soon. and in the meantime if we stay together the trust continues to erode and the anger and resentment builds up.

the only thing I didn't confess was my nearly 8 thousand dollar debt from this relationship, it would really sadden my mother since she helps me out financially, I think she would feel betrayed that, while she helps pay my rent, I have stupidly gotten that far into debt by enabling an addict...

anyway, no where else to go but forward, no matter what happens the only way to deal with it is to work on my own recovery, it will be the best thing for me and, if this relationship ever starts again, it would be the best thing for that.

hmmm sad sad sad sad...lonely, weepy,

thanks for listening

Last edited by oneeyeopen; 07-11-2007 at 09:26 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 07-11-2007, 09:28 PM
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well hon, not much I can say except considering the similar pain I share, you are not alone...take one day at a time to take care of you....just know that your feelings of sadness and loneliness to me are very very normal feelings....been going through it too.....right now.

My prayers to you,

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Old 07-11-2007, 09:45 PM
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you really arent alone...............I too know how you feel I never have been able to get it..............when things can be so good then bam he uses...............just shows it really isnt about US! hang in there................if you havent read codepend no more maybe think about giving it a try it really helped me
also now I've just finished a book called getting them sober.........( I just substituted clean for sober and it makes very perfect sense)

good luck hang in there
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Old 07-11-2007, 10:34 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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I know it is hard to breakup and snap back to your independent self. But come on, why are your pleading with an addict not to leave you? Step back and regain your strenght.
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Old 07-12-2007, 12:00 AM
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Originally Posted by oneeyeopen View Post

he calls, tells me it is over, and of course I get the typical -- i am the psychopath thing..and of course I feel guilty, and think about all the mistakes I made and I apologize and plead etc.

With all due respect, HE's the addict. What in the world could you possibly need to apologize to him for?

I'm sure you are playing the what if game; what if you had said one thing instead of the other? What if you had done this instead? The truth is that he's the only one who has any effect on his actions... addicts don't care about anyone else.

You never know, he may hit rock bottom and decide to recover. Until then, have you thought about going to Naranon meetings? Or Alanon, if there's no Naranon nearby? The only way you can ever hope to help him at all is to help yourself. That way, whether he ever cleans up or not, you will have your life back (as much as possible).

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:00 AM
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the girl can't help it
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I know that rocking back and forth stuff can really make you crazy. been there done that...
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:09 AM
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I am sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself. Breaking up with anyone is hard, and painful but it must be worse with an addict. Remember the addict only cares for 2 things themselves and the next high.
Take some time for you and work on your own recovery. The pain will go away in time.
Sending you hugs and prayers
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:20 AM
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I loved an addict too. He died from his use. When he died He owed me a couple thousand dollars and I found that he was taking my debit and getting money every nite for about 3 weeks before his death. He also took my home depot card and bought gift certificates[to sell for drugs i'm sure]. Its true, addicts love their drugs, period. If he was acting loving to you, he was probably high and not needing any drugs yet. The pain does go away and after awhile, you will realize that none of this was acceptable. We do understand...Marian
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Old 07-12-2007, 05:14 AM
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Breaking up is hard to do but this is the best thing for you and you know it. If there are any meetings in your area it might do you well to go to one. I hope you start feeling better and stronger soon. The longer you are away from him, the less your addiction will be.
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:30 AM
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sounds like you had a tough night. I'm sorry for how sad you are. Why do we beg and plead and apologize when we haven't done anything wrong?! Talk about psychopath...a few times when mine ran out to try and find money I actually left him messages offering to pay him to come back so he wouldn't rob someone and get in trouble! I never actually did, but I know how close I came. I'm very impressed that you told your family. That's something that I have not been able to do. I eventually may, but I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them about the money he stole. It's too embarrassing to admit that I let someone do that to me. It sounds like you're coping the best you can right now and I just wanted to wish you luck
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:49 AM
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one of my favorite al-anon sayings: "looking for affection and respect from an addict is like trying to buy bread at a hardware store."
It's just not there.
As for that "psychopath" part - I think we know who the Major Nut is in this scenario, and it's the one trying to manipulate you into...who knows what?
I do know I was — and am — never so crazy as when I am involved with the addictions of one of my many family members; trying to understand, help them, cure them, show them, teach them — and all they hear is this from me:
"blahblahblahblah roof over your head blahblah car blahblah money blahblahblah I'm sorry."

((((hugs))) ~ nitelite
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:57 AM
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sorry u are going thru this. keep working your program you will get there even with baby steps. prayers,
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Old 07-12-2007, 09:45 AM
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I, too, have pleaded with the addict not to leave.
In retrospect I think that everytime he was so antsy to get away- it was to use- but in my mind I interpreted it as him not loving me/wanting to be far away from me.

I can remember extremely distinctly - so much of the insanity- him lying to me and me freaking out, throwing punches (literally- I had become a lunatic) and then him being nasty and telling me he was going to leave. I would then block the doorway and he would say nasty things to me and make me feel even more needy, pathetic and horrible than I already did.
I am still so scarred from all of that. Even just speaking of it brought back the terrible memory, but reminds me that there is something seriously wrong with me when I am "Romancing the past" and forgetting that I am basing my self-worth on the actions of someone addicted to drugs.
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Old 07-12-2007, 12:41 PM
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grateful rca
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sorry that you are hurting, i know the feeling. i'm keeping you in my prayers,
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Old 07-12-2007, 02:59 PM
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Power is not having to respond
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One things addicts do in the course of manipulation is blame.
They're miserable, so they blame you.
It's a method to absolve themselves of any wrong doing. Funny is just doing that is wrong.
Addicts are so skrewed up.
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Old 07-12-2007, 03:08 PM
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I'm no angel!
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The entire story is right before your eyes, I know you can see it, now do something about it. He is an addict, that's what addicts do, use drugs...if he can hop in the sack with you, he will, then he will go back to first love, drugs.

Don't belittle yourself by begging him, get off your knees and start living your life. You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he doesn't...take that key and unlock a new door.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but, it's time to take off your rose colored glasses and start living your life, for you.
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Old 07-12-2007, 06:58 PM
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I know it's not the same because my addict is my son, but I have found that he is nicest when he is screwing up the most. It's like he wants to try to catch you off guard. Honey, after living with my AS for 3 years, i can't understand why you would stay with this guy. I can't leave my son, but sometimes I wish I could. You on the other hand can walk away, start over, thank God that you made it through and grow through the wisdom you have gained from this horribly difficult situation. I never said it would be easy, but where do we get the idea that life is easy? Do the right thing for yourself and let him take care of himself.
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Old 07-12-2007, 09:13 PM
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If we stay in this dance often we become crazier than they are. I did.

The only way to stop the dance is to get off the dance floor.
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