First conversation in two months with exah.....

Old 07-09-2007, 08:29 PM
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Cool First conversation in two months with exah.....

First of all, let me say upfront that I am amazed at how completely unshaken I am at what just went down; I give much of the credit for this to SR, and I am forever grateful to everyone here for that.

This kind of exchange with my exah in times past would have had me tied in knots. Instead, I am just walking around my house shaking my head and asking myself 'what in the world was that all about?' and feeling rather amused by the whole thing.

Now I'm not sure how 'recovery' the feeling amused is, but it is how I am feeling. Mind you, we have had no contact in about two months, but........

The man just never ceases to amaze me! Little bit and I were out at the pool; I had just finished cleaning the dog lot with clorox and the water hose and was literally dripping sweat (it was about 95 degrees!!) when this brand new 2007 toyota king cab truck pulls up to the garage, and exah hops out and starts getting some tools and putting them in the bed of said truck. Of course, little bit runs over and says hi and yells for me to come see dad's new truck.

So I walked over and said something along the lines of 'nice truck, did you trade your (2007!!) car?' (The answer to that one was no, he had to have a truck to work out of and he couldn't find a used one, so of course the only thing to do was buy a 30,000.00 one......) I DID NOT REACT, just smiled....Exah says he has to rush to get a mowing job done before it rains, says good bye to little bit and I think that's the end of it.

Not so....he was back in about 5 minutes saying that the dude he was going to mow for had called and it was raining. I am not sure why he came back, although I didn't think to ask. I just told little bit to hang out at the pool and talk to dad while I went in and took a shower. So ex says, wait we need to talk about mediation (WHY DID I NOT JUST GO ON IN???) and what to do about the house, etc.

To make a long story short, almost two hours later he finally left. He is still in total denial about the drugs and the abuse; he still claims to have no clue what I mean by 'working on recovery' and kept asking me what he needed to do, to which I replied that it was not my decision what he does or does not do. He says he has changed but I just "won't see it".

The jist of what he really wanted to say was that if "I wasn't willing to make any changes in the way I treated him" if we "decided to work on things down the road", and if I wouldn't agree to have dinner with him sometime so we can 'talk', then he couldn't see any reason not to go ahead with the divorce. Because of course he has to have somewhere to live and he can't afford to get a place until I buy him out of the house.......

(( tell me again how much the 2007 Camry was? Oh yeah-$27,000.00; and the new truck? Oh, $30,000.00! But he can't afford to get a place to live, poor thing!!))


So anyhow, I still didn't react, at least not TOO much...

I said, "So this is an ultimatum? You want me to say that we can start seeing each other, and that I am willing to change or else we need to go through with the divorce?" I was honestly a little dumbfounded by this. I have not given him the slightest idea that there is a snowball's chance in he** that we will ever reconcile, and here he is giving ME an ultimatum?

So I just told him that he was asking me for something that I could not give him; that I did not think that going to dinner with him was a good idea and I wasn't going to do that; and that I hoped that he would not now start coming to the house and calling me again because I have gotten used to the peace that I feel now.

So he said "of course you have peace; you are still living in the house with the kids."

To which I replied, "Well, if that is all it is, how come I didn't have any peace here before you left?"

Which left HIM I said good night and walked inside....
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:43 PM
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Bravo! What a selfish..............never mind. You did good honey! Always leave them speechless LOL.
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:31 PM
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You did great! I personally think the ability to see the "humor" (as sick as it may be) in the situation is a good step in recovery. So much better to shake your head and laugh than to be sucked back into the drama pit. Using or not, he sure has quite a few addict traits going on...Hugs
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:37 PM
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boy did you do good, hope i get there soon
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Old 07-09-2007, 09:42 PM
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Good God! Guys like this make me ashamed to be male sometimes.

You did good Duet.
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Old 07-09-2007, 10:00 PM
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I think it's a huge step in recovery when we can see the humor in a situation like this. If you can just smile and let go, then you're not giving IT any power in your life.

You seem to be doing well, setting boundaries you can live with and taking care of yourself and kids.

Your AH? He's going to do what he's going to do.... and hopefully you can continue to listen and not let it negatively affect you


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Old 07-09-2007, 10:00 PM
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I think humor is a healthy response to stupidity, even if it seems a little heartless. We have to find our jollies somewhere!
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Old 07-09-2007, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by krhea75 View Post
I think humor is a healthy response to stupidity, even if it seems a little heartless. We have to find our jollies somewhere!
This made me laugh out loud!!
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Old 07-09-2007, 10:11 PM
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Because of course he has to have somewhere to live and he can't afford to get a place until I buy him out of the house.......

You forgot to tell him to live in his new truck, lol

You did good, your recovery is shining!!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-09-2007, 10:45 PM
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Now, if that ain't recovery, I don't know what is!!!! You were FANTASTIC!

Only thing that I would have liked to have seen you do is whip out your cell phone, press "1" using the speedial feature and say, "Here, honey. It's your lawyer's office. Go ahead and start the divorce proceedings."
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Old 07-09-2007, 11:16 PM
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lol... you tell it so well!

Way to stand up to him!
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Old 07-10-2007, 06:21 AM
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You did great. I love the part about leaving him speechless and walking away. I don't think I could have ever left Steve speechless... it wasn't in him to BE speechless... tho he did once make that little strangled noise when he ran out of the words of denial....

I know that humor feeling tho. It is a way better place to be than anger, pain or any other negative feeling.

You go girl!
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Old 07-10-2007, 08:56 AM
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Way to go, girl! Isn't it great when you get past hearing their BS (and believing it) and start really listening? Then you really get that what they spew is nonsense, and you just have to laugh! I love how you calmly said your piece, said good night, and left him with his mouth hanging open. You rock!!!
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