In Need of Guidance

Old 07-09-2007, 05:03 PM
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In Need of Guidance

I am a new to all of this. Even though I have lived with a "recreational" user of pot for 12 years, married 3 1/2, seperated 2 weeks. I have been in denial, thinking it was "only pot". Our history is long, he has cheated and lied to me more times than I care to remember. I continue to have him back and this time I am scared he will call again and I am scared he won't call again. He left after I confronted him about using in our home, and went off with another woman the next day. I am sick of all the drama. Not only does he use but so does my 19 year old step son. My husband gave up saying "Do as I say, not as I do." to people telling me they have used together for a while now. Alcohol, pot, crack, coke, pills. My stepson has been with up for most of our married lives, and I have constantly battled them both, trying to 'Just say no to drugs". It is extreamley difficult for me to realize I can not make them see how wrong they are and how they are throwing their lives away. I feel ultimately defeated. Why do I care more about them and their/our future than they do? How can I walk away with a clear conscience beause they won't see the disaster waiting to happen. Why do I think by me setting a drug free example to them sould be enough? Feeling helpless is horrible. I feel like such a failure. I am exhauted from the emotional roller coaster. One minute I am sobbing, the next I am so angry. He always seems to know when my breaking point is and calls with some lame excuse, and then he's back again. How do I find the strength to let a man I know I love with all my heart be responsible for the destruction of his life as well as the life of his son? Why do I want to carry the burden for them? I need guidance.
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:19 PM
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I'm no angel!
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You are not a failure, you are codependent. You hold the key to your future in the palm of you hand, he does not, never has.

When you have had enough, you will know it....there will be no turning back....until that time, it just another ride on the rollercoaster to hell and back.

Have you been to meetings? They were a life saver for me.

Others will be here to greet you, lots of wonderful people here, keep posting.
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:42 PM
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Doormat12, thanks for your post.
That's a confusing situation you're in.

Based on the information you've given, one option you can look
at is to focus solely on decisions you can control. And you can only
control your life and your decisions.

So, without more info, you may want to look at leaving.
By leaving, you're setting an example of how a strong, determined person
chooses to live their life. A life without daily poison and poison-created drama.

Because you know the poison-takers will hit a terrible period where they
revile all their past choices, and wonder how they got into this terrible situation.
A situation you've been warning about. Yet they're deaf to your voice anymore.

And if you're still living with them, they may blame you.
Blame you with fake, non-logical addict-reasoning, but blame you all the same.
But if you leave, they may turn to you as someone solid and determined,
someone who saw the obvious train wreck that was coming.
Saw it coming way before it actually occurred.
And they may begin to learn from you a better way of living.

All said, this is written by someone who hasn't made the same decision
i've just described. So, please take that advice with a grain of salt.

Hoping all the best for you.
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Old 07-09-2007, 07:25 PM
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The only thing that helped me stop the insanity was to go to meetings, get a sponsor and learn to work the 12 steps.

You will know when you've had "enough", one day it will just get old. Moving forward in a healthy way is so much easier and better with meetings and support already set up.

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Old 07-09-2007, 08:36 PM
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Welcome, I'm another one who found coming here, going to Naranon meetings and working the steps to be really helpful. Keep reading here, post and learn all you can about addiction and codependency. I found knowledge helped me to understand both addictions and my actions and reactions...All this helped me to begin to heal.
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:45 PM
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grateful rca
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hi welcome to sr, you've come to a good place, these caring and wise people have been a total life saver for me,. the addict in my life is my hubby and it doesn't get any better unless the addicts wants it to get better for him and you want it to get better for you. its an individual thing
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:46 PM
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grateful rca
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well yall , think i'm gonna turn in for a while, kind of getting a serious craving for cigs so i think i'll try to go to sleep. maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day for us all, i hope so anyway
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:57 PM
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Welcome to a great group of people who have helped me deal with my son's addiction to pot, alcohol, etc. If pot is so harmless,why are their lives in such chaos? Sounds like you are tired of the chaos, and need to start focusing on yourself instead of them. That's the thing about addicts, they take all of our energy and then we have none left for our own lives. Start reading on this site and a great book Codependent No More. It has helped me begin to unravel myself from my addict.
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Old 07-10-2007, 06:17 AM
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On a tear
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Feeling helpless is horrible. I feel like such a failure. I am exhauted from the emotional roller coaster. One minute I am sobbing, the next I am so angry.
This is no way to live. I believe life is meant to be joyous.... for each of us. If you want to feel better, you might give Alanon or Naranon a try. I felt like you do, once. Alanon saved my life.


I wish you the best.
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Old 07-10-2007, 07:12 AM
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Southern through and through
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I'm another one of those "meetings" kind of gal. They've saved my life. I found people who felt just like I did, had been where I was or were where I was. But the best thing I found was a better way to live in the midst of all of the addiction. I saw people who were happy, joyous and free from the worry and fear. I wanted what they had, so I went to meetings and listened to them and tried some of what they said they had done. AND BY GOLLY, I GOT BETTER!

Lord willing, I will never stop going to my meetings. They help keep me sane and help me to see there is hope....for me....for addicted daughter. I had to get MY life back no matter what my AD did. And meetings help me do that.

Hope you'll find a meeting and go soon.

Big hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 07-10-2007, 07:16 AM
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let it grow!
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nice to meet you, d12 - keep posting! blessings, k
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Old 07-10-2007, 07:47 AM
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Your In The Right Place Keep Reading And Posting
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Old 07-10-2007, 07:48 AM
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Glad to meet you. You've found a wonderful place ~ there are a lot of people here who will support you and give you great advice. Good luck on your journey!
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Old 07-10-2007, 11:22 AM
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welcome...the addict in my life is my son.if loving them would fix them my son would have been fixed when he started14 yrs ago.i promise you it does not get better.time takes its toll on the drug & they take a toll on not let them destroy your did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE is up to you to change what you do.they will only get clean when they get ready.there is nothing you can do for them.i am saying a prayers for you, your husband & your step son.
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Old 07-11-2007, 04:53 AM
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Get Caught Reading
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((((((((D12))))))))) I like the short name too, Parent. You don't have to be a doormat, D.

Glad your here, sorry for the reason. I was once married to a pot smoking alcoholic.
Lasted about 10 years, off and on.
More off than on. Couldn't keep him home on payday. I'd kick'em out, then 2 weeks later, I'd do it all over again. That was 17 years ago.
Today, I'm married to a wonderful man and I'm very happy with our relationship.
(most of the time. lol Hey! nobody's perfect, right?)

I came to sr in 2005 in hopes of "saving" my addicted son, who's 25.
This is a wonderful place for support, advice, and a shoulder when you need one.
We can't change, control, or cure our addicts, but we can learn to change and control the way we deal with them. Taking care of ourselves and focusing on our own recovery. Recovery from codependency.
Step 1: admitting we are powerless over others and that our lives have become unmanagable.
You've just done that, right?
Now, it's time to take control of you and your happiness.
Sending prayers up for you, your ah, and step son.
Keep coming back.
A new sr buddy,
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Old 07-11-2007, 10:34 AM
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Hello DM12, it's nice to meet you. Keep posting and sharing.
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