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scared and frustrated

Old 07-10-2007, 09:23 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I don't know if it's possible to be a few times a month, recreational heroin addict. I've heard that same excuse before and I'm sure a lot of other people have, too. First, most likely it's not just happening when you notice...I just doubt you're around to notice it all the time. You can't watch him every minute. Sometimes my Abf would pretend to be asleep when I left for work but would really run out the door the second I left to go get high so that when I got home 10 hrs later it wouldn't be that noticeable. Or he'd wake up at 5 am on the weekends and do it while I was still sleeping. I only found out after he started recovery that he was doing it everyday for months at a time but I only noticed a big enough change to call him on it every once in a while. Also, the amounts he's doing at different times may have an effect on whether or not it's clear to you.
Second, even if he is only doing a few times a month that's not ok because eventually he's going to need to start doing it more often. The fact that he's withdrawing large amounts of cash is a big warning sign. Make sure to protect your finances. You're married so I don't know if you have some kind of joint account, but be careful. You don't want your money going towards his habit
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Old 07-10-2007, 11:17 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Like most addicts they think they can use "recreationally", and then OF COURSE the disease takes it's course and they can't "control" it. Heroin use, through the very nature of the drug, is absolutely uncontrollable. Lots of heroin addicts try to keep their addicition at bay by using periodically and then going through a forced withdrawal to try to keep their lives under control or so they can get high again because if they use constantly they get such a tolerance built up they aren't getting high anymore, they are just having to use to keep from getting sick.
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Old 07-10-2007, 11:38 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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If he can use only a few times a month, then quitting should be no big deal. But it sounds like quitting IS a big deal... even talking about it makes him upset.

I hope you can catch at least 6 of those Alanon meetings... they helped me understand MY part in the dance of addiction.

((hugs))
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Old 07-10-2007, 11:53 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cristabel View Post
My husband keeps saying something to me that I don't know is true or not. He says that if he were using he would be doing it all the time, not just a few times a month (that's when I notice, a couple of times a month). Have you all experienced that? That they can only use a few days a month?
Well...you can "chip" on suboxone. It's probably what he's doing. A lot of addicts do it, and it's why in NY they've made a requirement to take a second drug with it that blocks opiate use (it puts you in instant withdrawal if you take an opiate). I'm not going to comment on if that's good or not.
The ideal thing would be to explain to your husband that as an ex-addict, mis-trust is understandable towards him. Tell him you love him, and understand how frustrating lack of trust is (most addicts stop and then freak out over the fact no one can see they're "different" right away), but you have emotional needs as well. That trust is re-built over time. Then the next time you think he's using, have him use one of those home drug kits (I think you can use it with suboxone, but check). Since he's chipping, catching him will be difficult.
Now, I KNOW he'll go crazy if you suggest this (especially if he's using) but you should stick to your guns. If he doesn't agree...get someone to intervene for you at NA, or a therapist. Because whether he's using or not, lack of trust will erode a relationship. And don't forget, HE'S the addict who broke trust first. HE has to rebuild it. He NEEDS to come to terms with that.

Good luck!
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Old 07-10-2007, 12:15 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I'm realizing how little I really know and understand about drug use. Maddie, I realize now that that's why sometimes he will wake so much earlier than me on some weekends and seem "weird" to me when I finally wake. And Sav, can you explain what "chipping" is exactly? I think I understand, but I want to make sure.

I also just called and made an appointment with the therapist I used to see in the past. She miraculously had an opening for tomorrow! I've tried to get ah to go, too, but he only went with me for premarital. He wouldn't go for anything else, even though it's free and convenient through my employer.
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Old 07-10-2007, 12:39 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
 
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Cristabel,

Check your private messages .. i sent you some information that might be very helpful.

Passion
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Old 07-10-2007, 01:39 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Cristabal,

Where are you in Alabama? I am in Mobile and I can help you with meetings if you are in LA (lower Alabama).
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Old 07-10-2007, 01:52 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I call Al Anon meetings my "FREE" therapy. I added it up one time, how much $ those meetings have saved me. Just wonderfull, the recovery and the savings.

Hope you make the meeting tonight.

Hugs,
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Old 07-10-2007, 04:14 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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My sister used to claim to only use once a week. It was never as seldom as she said it was...
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Old 07-11-2007, 06:33 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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"Chipping" is a term that means a person who uses only occassionally. People on maintanace like methadone or suboxone are famous for doing it. Since you feel "normal" and aren't getting sick, you think you can "handle getting high". So you do it two, three times a week or month, purely for the pleasure of it, and;

"Really, I can control it! The fact that I'm taking another drug to control my withdrawal has nothing to do with it! I've got a handle on it now!"

If you catch him, this is essentially what he'll say.

And yes, he won't want therapy. If he goes to therapy, he'll have to face the fact that there really is something wrong with him. and that's a major blow to your sense of self. He's probably afraid to go, and he should be. Who knows what will come out? He might get to the root of what's causing this behavior!
I'm not being sarcastic, that's actually a really scary thing, and some people are very brittle. This probably isn't even a concious thing he's doing. It's being done on an unconscious "survival level".

I hate to say it, but you may have to "trick" him into therapy. I don't like suggesting this, but for the sake of your marriage (and your sanity) it may be necessary. You'd have to appeal to his superior sense of self and machismo. Once he's in there, hopefully some good can come of it!

Good luck!
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Old 07-11-2007, 10:07 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
remember to breathe
 
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my ras has been battleing his heroin addiction for approx 3 years now. I luckily have never had him be defiant about it. well, when he was trying to quit on his own he would only need to do the heroin when he got dope sick and that could be every 3 to 4 days, now this was when he was either trying to quit or when he would start up again, once some time goes by then its everyday.

I hope this helps.
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Old 07-12-2007, 10:47 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Good luck and I hope it works out. The hardest part in all this is how ignorant you feel in the beginning. When I first found myself addicted to morphine, I knew NOTHING about it. I didn't understand the health care industry as well, and this was a huge disadvantage. I trusted doctors and their information.
(I'd been hospitalized for months, on a morphine drip most of the time, they told me "I couldn't become an addict, because I had a valid need for the medication! Upon release they told me to take Aspirin for any "discomfort"."

You've entered a world were information is your ally and you'll have to use your best judgement to learn which information is "true".
Be wary of medical personal. They can help you, but they can hurt you. Be wary of everyone. Everyone has an agenda (even your husband, his is to "not change"). But in this whole turmoil, there are individuals who are beacons of light, hope, and knowledge. If you remain true to yourself, you can find them and be guided.
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Old 07-12-2007, 12:15 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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sorry youre going through this, i don't know anything about the subject but i do know what its like to live with addiction and the not knowing, i'm sending hugs and prayers your way,
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Old 07-12-2007, 02:59 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Since my original post I have talked to a therapist i had seen before for other things like normal stress and grief counseling (i'm lucky to have access to this free through my employer). She was very helpful in terms of my general well-being, and she made me an appt with someone else in her group who is a substance abuse specialist. (Sav, I'll keep what you said in mind about everyone having an agenda-thanks!) Earlier this week I was pretty upset about all of this and unable to get a whole lot done at work (I was reading this message board!). I feel a little more together today. I feel more confident that I can get through this. I know I can't do anything to change him right now, but I don't have to let it destroy me. I'm going to read books and keep educating myself. I'm going to try to be more honest with myself when I see suspicious behavior. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong, but I'm trying to not let this spoil my days and nights. Last night ah and I had "normal" night of cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, playing with our sweet dog, and watching "Ghost Hunters" on TV.
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