Talked to lawyer Saturday
 

My lawyer called me saturday. She was in the office doing work for trial. She reminded me of my upcoming court date for this friday. She told me if she didnt get her money, she wasnt going to show up. She also said that most likely they will go ahead and arrest me that day to go to the womens prison for my driving while revoked charges. This is getting harder as the day gets nearer. Sometimes I feel like I am going to strangle on the worry of what is to come. I cant imagine not being here for my kids. I cant imagine not being here when they get up, making breakfast, playing games, their 1st day to school, giving the baby a bath, story time, my extra cuddle time as the baby falls asleep with me, the smell of his skin or when he cries for me at night. My two older girls are ok with this. They know and understand what is going on. It still hurts them though.

I know this is only for 4 months or so but I just dont know how to get through it. I know its one step at a time but I cant help being very afraid.

I have so much to do before I go. I have to make sure the baby gets his shots this week so I can find him daycare this week. He hates daycare. I have to get out the winter coats and clothes for the kids so they can be found when the weather turns cold. I have to get everything lined up for when Im not here. How can I keep upending their lives. I hate that I am doing this to them once again.

They wont have me to do all the little things for them or even the big things. I will be gone for 4 months possibly maybe 5. The last 2 years have been just as difficult for them as it has for me. You would think that after 2 years a little normalcy would return to our lives. The kids have their dad to care for them but he doesnt want to. He can and will. But its going to be difficult on the kids. Where I cuddle them and give extra attention, he is hard on them. He is of the mind that the baby can go to daycare and that is just tough. He thinks that Kelsey who is only 10 can sit at home by herself so he doesnt have to pay for daycare for her too. The neighbor girl said she would watch her for 30 a week but he says no. He wont take the kids swimming, or do anything with them. He wont let them go to my moms or anywhere. I can take doing 4 months, but its not knowing what will happen to the kids while Im gone that I cant stand. I got myself into this and I will deal with it, but how will the kids fare?

I have looked for God plan in all this but if its for a reason I dont know. If its to teach me what I did wrong, I understand. What purpose is this for the kids? What can they possibly learn from this? That mom has screwed up once again? Mom cant ever be here when we need her? I have worked my tail OFF trying to put my family back together. For what? To go to jail for driving to get my kids when there was no other way? I got clean for myself and to put my life back together. Why does it keep falling apart at my best effort to put it back to right?

Sending you some hugs. I guess all I can say is that you are "living life on life's terms" and doing the best that you can. Your kids know that you love them. Think of the children who's parents are fighting in Iraq. They make it and with your love, your kids will too. Hugs and prayers coming your way, Gwen. Marle

i will be so happy when this is behind you. hugs and support, k

((((GwenMarie)))
I know this has to be painful, and I can't imagine all the "what ifs" going through your head right now.
But if thier Dad can, he will. Maybe not as well as you would have, but he will.
This may not be a bad thing to pull him to the foreground and let him have some of the responsibility while you're away.
Maybe he'll see first hand what they want, need, and the little extra effort it takes to show them they are loved.
Once you are not there to do it, he may step up. Right now, its possible that he can't see past his resentment of "having" to do it.
Maybe that was God's plan?
Just a thought
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
Cece

((GwenMarie))

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you - My thoughts & prayers are with you and your wonderful children.

Please hang in there and remember that this may only be for a few months, but if you had not gotten sober your children and you would have lost a lot more than a few months. Trying to predict and getting caught up in too much of tomorrow may jeopardize Today - please, please take care of You in Today.

Breathe - Just Breathe -

Rita

Praying for you Gwen. Keep praying, God sees the bigger picture of what plans he has for you. Trust that he will take care of everything and that if you do have to serve time, it will go by quickly for you and your kids.

Sending my prayers for you and your children Gwen. All of you will get through this and will learn from it. Hopefully their dad will change from his experience also.
Hugs coming to you

gwen, there is a reason we do not know &* maybe will never know.live in today & enjoy this week.i am so sorry you are going through this.i know how hard you have worked.this will b the last time. my prayers are with you & your children.i am so sorry.hugs,

I talked to Laurie and am feeling better. There are lots of things that can become a positive out of this mess. Sometimes the sadness and the fact I will miss my kids so much kinda blocks out the good.

I know it will make Paul stronger as a parent, the kids will be a little more independant, and I wont be here to interfere when I think Paul is too hard. I know I am the push over. I make things way too easy sometimes. Maybe this will give me time to learn in the classes I will be taking in prison on how to be more incontrol of myself and my actions. It will help me in someway Im sure. There is opportunities, I just have to look for it.

Gwen,

You said it. With every obstacle there is an opportunity.
God has the plan, Gwen. You know there are consequences in life, BUT that does not mean God is not in control. We can't see the big picture, but God can. And I know he can bring good out of what seems to be a terrible situation right now. He's done it in my life. Look what he has done in your life, you becoming clean & sober. He can do that and a million other things, too.

You know how it works, Gwen. It's one day at a time with this situation just like it was with you getting sober/clean. You and God can do this.

And there are lessons to be learned in everything. It's my job to learn them. Don't be projecting what "might" happen. We have no clue.

This is what I do, as silly as it may seem. Every night I picture a big conveyor belt with a box at the bottom. I place my kids in that box, put it on the conveyor belt and send them right up to God because he's going to be up all night anyway. And he's awake all day, too, so I picture them in his lap. Bottom line is do whatever it takes to place your children in his care while you're gone. He loves them even more than you do.

Prayers for you, your children and your husband during this time,
Hangin' In

What Hangin' said...ditto.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs

I know this is a difficult time, yet by serving the time, it will then be in your past, and you will all be back together, starting anew.

Be thankful that you have Paul, I think he'll do fine. He loves his children too, he may express it differently than you, but the love is there.

Take care my friend, and if you ever need me, you have my address.

Love,
Dolly

What I found was that Mr. Big could be more loving when I wasn't around to absorb all the easy love. It was more difficult for him to show affection... but he did it anyway. And besides, the kids know to expect different things from him than from me.

Four months is not a long time in comparison to four years... or longer. You have that to be grateful for. And can your time be reduced for good behavior? Boy, I think I would be as good as a church mouse... :)

Do you have a plan to pay the lawyer on Friday? Sounds like her presence is important.

Prayers going up... (((GwenMarie)))

If anyone would like to write to Gwen while she is incarcerated, please PM me and I will be happy to give you the address.

I personally made a committment to write her at least once a week.

I have GREAT respect for this Young woman, she has worked really hard these past almost 2 years now and has come a LONG way.

I know she will get through this too and come out much stronger. I will do my little bit to keep her spirits up, lol whether its jokes, pic of my furbabies doing silly stuff, whatever.

love and hugs,

(((Gwen)))) keeping you and your family in my prayers. The anticipation, I think is the worst. Once there...one day at a time and before you know it it is done and you can get on with life and not have this weighing over you. I too believe there is a plan that is bigger and better than any we could think of. Hugs and prayers

((((Gwen)))) You will get through this.......and probably a lot of the things you are worried about won't even happen. There is a quote....."IN CRISIS LIES OPPORTUNITY" Think of all of the rough roads you have traveled and got through them. Think of this as a temporary inconvience. God will take care of your children.

Prayers to put protection and angels around you and your children...........Lo

You are all such wonderful friends and people. I am feeling better today. Iwent to interview an babysitter yesterday and she seems wonderful. She is a grandma and has another 3 yo and two older kids to watchuntil school. I explained my situation coming this friday and am at complete ease with her. She is Baptist and worked with the kids camp and vacation Bible School. I also had a long talk with Paul and it came better than I expected. I will post some more later. He is home sick today with the flu. I will post more later.

Hi Gwen,
My computer is broken, so I've not been around. I have you in my thoughts and prayers daily. I don't know why, I wish I did on so many things. I do know that you will make it through and God has something great ahead for you!
susan

gwen,

i havent' been on in a while and just wanted to offer my support - you'll get through this - i can't imagine how hard this must be for you but you sound good - i'll send some stuff and just remember to take things *one day at a time* (easier said than done, i'm sure) you work on being the best you, you can be - work out - read - imagine your at a spa - with crappy sheets...

hang in there - it will be ok...

love,
sue

I am thinking of you Gwen so much right now. You have come so far and I am so proud. ((((hugs))))