i think i hear quacking-opinions please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
i think i hear quacking-opinions please
as has been in oxford house for two weeks now. i paid 1st months rent,filled truck up twice, bought wendy's, mcdonalds, krystal, wal mart food cards. i have since sent 150 more in gas cards. asked my attorney friend to reresent him at court date. i thought things were looking up. yesterday he called and told me his mcdonalds and wal mart cards were stolen, i checked his cell bill and their are calls to and from agf, who was in states custody but apparently is out. this is a boundary, so i must cut the phone, he still has no job, so im starting to wonder if all this talk about the meetings really helping, bla,bla,bla etc has really just been quack all along, and im also inclined to tell him no more cards, food gas or otherwise and asking my attorney to step away, just thoughts no actions except for phone yet
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much to hear that Lake - The Oxford Houses can provide so much help for those who really want it and need it - but as we all know - he has to want it & need it for himself.
Set the boundaries that you feel you have to - Cutting off the phone is hard - but you have to take care of you.
My thoughts & prayers go out to you & Mrs. Lake,
Wishing you Serenity in the middle of the chaos,
Rita
Set the boundaries that you feel you have to - Cutting off the phone is hard - but you have to take care of you.
My thoughts & prayers go out to you & Mrs. Lake,
Wishing you Serenity in the middle of the chaos,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
If you are basically paying for all his expenses, then he has no incentive to get a job. He does not need all those food cards and they are too easy to trade for cash or drugs. Now is truly the time for you to practice "hands off the addict". What would he do if you were not there. There are plenty of addicts who learn to find their own help with recovery, who fend for themselves. He needs to be the one to step up to the plate. I understand that you are afraid that he will not stay there if you don't provide for him. If he truly wants recovery he will be "willing" to do what it takes. Sounds like he is using this time as a way to escape his problems with the law and not to find the help he needs. I know this is hard so I am sending you some big dad hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
As harsh as this is going to sound, I would cut him off all together. Why should he find a job as long as he thinks you are there to feed him (and possibly his agf) and give him phone cards, which he is misusing?
It kinda goes back to the phrase I keep hearing around here, "hands off the addict."
It kinda goes back to the phrase I keep hearing around here, "hands off the addict."
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I agree with marle. Time to let go, hands off the addict approach. Cut his cell phone ASAP and inform him that u will no longer provide food, gas or anything else. That was to help him until he got settled and hes been there long enough to get settled and I'm sure they will assist him in finding a job and doing things for himself. I wouldnt work either if I didnt have too, but I do cause I like to eat and I like to have a luxury like a cell phone. Yes, its a luxury NOT a necessity. All he needs is necessities and its time he learned to take care of himself. It might actually help him feel a sense of accomplishment instead of entitlement. Good luck.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Early recovery can look a lot like using behavior. Cutting him off is not a bad thing to do - as the other guys in the house will tell him. Time for him to grow a pair and stand on his own.
Our job is to turn away for a bit while the bird steps over the nest and let them flap like crazy...
((((Laketime))))
Our job is to turn away for a bit while the bird steps over the nest and let them flap like crazy...
((((Laketime))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Lake.......I too think that you are providing him with too much. I know we don't want them to go without food, but I don't think he needs a Wal mart card. He could be buying things and taking them back and getting the cash that he needs. How about giving him a phone card instead of providing him with a cell. Just an idea.
I think you are right about the quacking.
Hugs.............Lo
I think you are right about the quacking.
Hugs.............Lo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Lake, One of my biggest fears with my daughter was if I did not continue to help her have that nice middle class lifestyle that she would end up looking like that "junkie on the street". So I kept on enabling for too long. My daughter was the "perfect" middle class child. When she was growing up she had the best of everything-education, health care, whatever she wanted and needed. She had everything to become a happy, healthy adult. But she experimented with drugs and got addicted. I just knew I could save her if I just kept giving her things and making sure all her wants and needs were still taken care of. It just didn't work, but she was happy to keep taking from me and doing drugs too. In spite of all my efforts, she now looks and acts like that "junkie on the street". All I got from all my efforts was less for my retirement. Save yourself some money and more grief. Letting go is a kind thing to do. I will bet someday your son will be grateful to have a father that cares so much. Marle
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I have to agree...let him flap like crazy til he learns to fly.
I'm sure the others at the Oxford house see through the quacking. Maybe they could help him adjust to reality.
If you're like me, you're trying to make this as comfy as possible for fear he'll try and come home. I did that with my son in rehab. He stayed, but was scamming me the entire time, I think.
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I'm sure the others at the Oxford house see through the quacking. Maybe they could help him adjust to reality.
If you're like me, you're trying to make this as comfy as possible for fear he'll try and come home. I did that with my son in rehab. He stayed, but was scamming me the entire time, I think.
Hang in there
(((Hugs)))
Cece
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
good luck in your decision. I know myself it's so hard to figure out what is helping and what is enabling. You know your son as do all of us mothers, so, you'll make the right choice no matter which you do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
No, those card weren't stolen. There are several ways to misuse them. Even the gas cards. It is quacking and it is lies.
How about sending him one of those 6 packs of ramen noodles that cost 99 cents.? Or two flavors for $1.98.
Gas cards are easy to turn into cash too. Either sell them outright or go to a gas station and tell someone who is buying $30 gas that you will pay for it with your card in exchange for $20 cash. A gas station owner told me about what a problem they had with this and how new security measure were having to be put in place.
The phone card....didn't you say before that there was a phone there for calling you but they preferred clients not to make calls? How many minutes are left on the phone card? His continuing involvement with the 15 yr old can be criminal. Can you have the phone card cancelled or suspended. Or if there are only a few minutes let it run out.
Does the Oxford house provide food?
Basically what are the rules and requirements of the Oxford house?
How about sending him one of those 6 packs of ramen noodles that cost 99 cents.? Or two flavors for $1.98.
Gas cards are easy to turn into cash too. Either sell them outright or go to a gas station and tell someone who is buying $30 gas that you will pay for it with your card in exchange for $20 cash. A gas station owner told me about what a problem they had with this and how new security measure were having to be put in place.
The phone card....didn't you say before that there was a phone there for calling you but they preferred clients not to make calls? How many minutes are left on the phone card? His continuing involvement with the 15 yr old can be criminal. Can you have the phone card cancelled or suspended. Or if there are only a few minutes let it run out.
Does the Oxford house provide food?
Basically what are the rules and requirements of the Oxford house?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry to hear this lake, i agree with marle too. i think that maybe if he could see just how hard he has made his own life, it may make a difference in how much he wants to recover. jmho still praying for you and for him
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
I have not read any replies so if i repeat I appologize. I think he is quacking and it is all bs. My xagf would borrow money from me and her family too...telling all of us she was broke. I bet at times she had more money than I did and I had a job. THey are hustlers and just looking for another easy mark. The cards are not stolen, where is the gas going...its all BS if you ask me. Also he should leave his underage agf alone. It seems agf parents have been patient with AS up until now and not having him thrown in jail for crimes against a minor. They may just change thier minds one day. Hang in there Lake.
Last edited by Noah812; 07-09-2007 at 10:45 AM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
If it makes you feel better knowing he can call you check into getting an 800 number. But your right the cell needs to go. I agree with the others if your not ready to stop them maybe back on the food an gas cards. I liked the idea of sending him ramen noodles then at least you would know he had food.
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