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Need reality check

Old 07-08-2007, 11:14 AM
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Need reality check

I am always asking for these aren't I?

I feel sad, rejected, unloveable, unworthy and undeserving. The critical voices are loud today -- that this man, an addict even, cannot love me. The fears of my inadequacy are ruling me today and making me feel paralyzed. Feeling like I do not have choices.

I hate myself for basing so much of my worth/self-esteem at any given time on how much he loves me/I feel loved. I feel so negative today and I want out of this funk.

Reality check someone. Please. Thanks in advance.
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Old 07-08-2007, 11:34 AM
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I forgot...do you go to counseling?

Anyway....a favorite trick of mine...I double dog dare you to start a new thread that does not mention him. At least 3 paragraphs.

Tell us about yourself so we can get to know you AND list 5 things you like about yourself or are good at and 5 things you look forward to.

This is the most I have ever asked of anyone in a double dog dare...but I know you are capable of doing it.

There is a book I highly recommend for you to read but will have to look it up...my memory is getting bad. Part of it is age, but mostly a side effect of one of my meds.

Last edited by Live; 07-08-2007 at 11:45 AM. Reason: clarification
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Old 07-08-2007, 11:44 AM
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I just lost my post!

Okay, I use a trick that is a double dog dare.

I double dog dare you to right three paragraphs telling us about yourself so we can get to know you better and do not mention him.

Also...list 5 things you like about yourself and/or are good at.
And 5 things you look forward to.

Start this with a new thread. Sooner the better.

This is the most I have ever asked of anyone in a double dog dare...but I know you are capable.

It is a better reality check than anything any of us can say to you as you are creating it yourself, it comes from you.

(((hugs)))...and I look forward to your new thread.
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Old 07-08-2007, 11:47 AM
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WTF...now how did that happen?
So I guess it is now a quadruple dog dare! LOL
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Old 07-08-2007, 11:50 AM
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Maybe this will help you, I am a believer in the power of the subconcious mind here is an intro:

The subconscious part of your mind is that part where dreams occur, habits are formed, memories are suppressed and many other functions occur. An interesting part about the subconscious mind is that it does not know fact from fantasy. So what is true in the subconscious mind becomes true in reality.

If you think of the subconscious mind as the brain's computer, it is easier to understand, reprogram the brain's computer. Like with any reprogramming, we delete that information that is negative and replace it with positive information.

You can reprogram your mind (the brains computer) with positive thoughts, every night right before you go to sleep, when you are calm and ready to drift off, feed your subconcious mind a positive such as: "I am lovable, I am deserving, I am happy". Do this every night, until your concious mind believes it, and your concious mind is reprogrammed. Your concious mind only believes what is fed to it through your subconcious mind.

When you have reprogrammed that part, move onto another positive thought, say the same thing over and over, every night and the change will occur, the concious part of the brain has no choice. The subconcious mind is the controller of your emotions, it keeps your heart pumping, your limbs working, it does it all.

I constantly feed positive thoughts to my subconcious mind, by doing this I have become a more rational, happy person.
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Old 07-08-2007, 12:06 PM
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Yes, very true at least for me, Dolly.
Every morning I make a gratitude list altho' it is on another forum and interject lots of humor. Smiling and laughing are great healers as well.

And each night, I list 5 positive things and 5 things I look forward to. As I do this as I am going to sleep...maybe it has even more impact on the subconcious. Does that sound true to you?

I find I wake up quite cheerful almost every morning and like to get up early because I enjoy my mornings so much.

My hubby and I also start the day with the motto "It's a brand new day"...thus erasing the power of dwelling or worrying or carrying forward any frustrations and etc from the day before.

Heather, have you read the stickies at the top of the Relationships forum?
There are some great reality checks there!
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Old 07-08-2007, 12:48 PM
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Live,

Yes, it does, before I read up on the subconcious mind, I was really in a funk, the more I investigated the power of the sub concious, and put my positive thoughts into motion the better I got.

And, I like the follow up, "It's a brand new day" going to steal that one from you & your hubby, hope you don't mind.
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Old 07-08-2007, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by HKAngel24 View Post
I am always asking for these aren't I?

I feel sad, rejected, unloveable, unworthy and undeserving. The critical voices are loud today -- that this man, an addict even, cannot love me. The fears of my inadequacy are ruling me today and making me feel paralyzed. Feeling like I do not have choices.

I hate myself for basing so much of my worth/self-esteem at any given time on how much he loves me/I feel loved. I feel so negative today and I want out of this funk.

Reality check someone. Please. Thanks in advance.
Sweetheart .. try not to put your self worth into the hands of an addict because he will treat it as carelessly as he treats his own life .. he doesn't love himself and therefore he cannot love you the way you DESERVE to be loved .. Addiction renders the addict paralyzed and it tells them that they aren't deserving of anything other than to fill themselves with dope ... it is a hopeless place to be ... the addict is filled with negativity and it reachs out and touches us .. filling us with the same exact feelings .. that is why detachment is so important .. it is the lifesaver for those that love an addict .. He has a weight on his shoulders and it isn't yours to bare .. if you carry it you will be weighed down and all those emotions that you are feeling will bubble up to the surface and drown you ... Grab onto the lifesaver .. learn all you can about detaching .. save your sanity and yourself .. Addiction desensitizes and dehumanizes our loved ones .. and they can only give us what they have to offer .. if they've snuffed themselves out with dope all we get is the negative ... You are deserving .. you are worthy .. you are loveable .. Believe it and pull yourself to the otherside it is there that you will find your self-esteem

****{Hugs}}}
Passion
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:22 PM
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I am definitely up for the double dog dare and will do it.

It really is a vicious cycle- self-loathing and depression. I come here for support, kind words etc. and it is not that I do not want to do the work to change my life- I DO!
And despite what anyone on the board my think- I AM TRYING. I bury my head in self-help books, I relentlessly write down my irrational thoughts and then force out a "rational response." I have affirmations posted all around my apartment- and I do NOT feel like I am getting anywhere. I STILL feel like a slave to my mind and him. In a classic black and white thinking case, I am either in control of my emotions or I feel I am absolutely out of control and am a puppet and he's pulling my strings. For some screwed up reason- in my mind- my worth is equated with the degree to which he loves me. I have serious, serious issues with rejection and yes, it probably has ALOT to do with the fact that I do not love myself enough. I know LOGICALLY that I control me- but I just do not FEEL this way yet. I feel myself jumping into the first emotion and than wallowing in it.

When nothing is working and I still feel out of control in my life than the cycle is fueled and I end up feeling like an even bigger loser because nothing I'm doing seems to be making me feel better or working.
Anvilhead, you are SO right. I am unhappy regardless of the situation. I WISH there was a specific reciepe, a delineated list/procedure for "Taking charge of my life" and no longer being a slave to the negative inner gremlin that essentially dictates my every mood and feeling about myself.

Oh and Dolly- what about those tapes that you listen to while sleeping that repeat things-- do you think they work the same way or is that just a hoax?
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:32 PM
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Heather if you get a chance read my posted articles on addictive relationships and 2 articles I found last night, they may help.

Im still cycling back and forth myself, I can have good months and bad ones. Im now trying to figure out what Im hiding from in myself to keep him around, its tough but little by little we grow and move forward
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Old 07-08-2007, 05:53 PM
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heather, how long has it been since you started to help yourself? the reason I ask is if it hasn't been that long maybe your not giving yourself time to allow change to take place. I know I want my life to be peaceful right now but reality says give it some time.

life happens while we're making plans (john lennon) while your "fixing yourself" life doesn't wait til your done. (me)

while I read some of your post it seems to me you are on the right track, you just want it to happen quickly and well that just isn't the way it goes I guess, I sure wish it did I'd be one happy camper.

keep up the good work girl you'll get there I promise
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Old 07-08-2007, 06:25 PM
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Heather,

I recall a letter you wrote to yourself that was stupendous. And a brilliant piece of work. That is why I asked more from you than I do anyone else so far.

I don't do well with affirmations posted around the house, I become used to them and don't see them anymore And for me it works as a reminder to myself that I am not what I want to be.

Yes, I do believe putting in tapes and going to sleep hearing them works.
I did this with cds trying to learn Spanish. I did not learn Spanish from doing that but I learned pronunciation and accents and had more familiarity when I did study with them.

Also by being led by our emotions, well they take us all over the place. There's a well known saying in the 12 steps called Fake it til you Make it. That would mean that even tho' you are feeling worthless and indadequate you do things as if you felt worthy and confident. It's not easy. But start with the actions and eventually the emotions will follow suit. Play the role, as if you were acting in a play. And then it starts to become real.

I really admired your letter to yourself. Can you read it once a week aloud? I am afraid that if your read it everyday, you would become accustomed to the words and they would have less impact. Maybe? tape it to a bathroom wall where you can act pampering to yourself as in the oft suggested bubble bath and read it then. The combo of the act and the words put together would have more power I think.

I have stopped reading alot of self-help books and am very judicious of the ones I do read....as for me I find that they have alot of "what is wrong with you" messages in them. For example this is wrong in you and here's an excercise to examine it.
Many have left me feeling worse and more troubled than I was before reading them.

I also refuse to identify myself as my problems. I don't say or think, I am Tena and I have lifelong depression and anxiety disorder. I am far more than that, I am a unique person who has many qualities, interests, talents, preferences, virtues, vices and a lifestyle that is mine and suits my personality. And I do have a managable illness..but that does not make up my who I am.

I KNOW you are trying.

Right now I am reading Benjamin Franklin's The Art of Virtue. I love The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. And a little book whose title I have temporarily lost but I think it might be The Art of Compassion by the Dalai Lama. These books feed us in a positive way. They don't speak of dysfunction as such but are guides to a better, happier life. One of my all time favorite books that I wish were a must read in school would be Ethics for the New Millenium by the Dalai Lama.

Minnie just posted two great pieces in the F&F for alcoholics...one is red flags and the other is the Stockholm Syndrome.

I know you are trying and we will love you until you learn to love yourself.
Keep reading, keep posting and try out suggestions and see which ones help.

Remind me next time to speak to you about Nathanial Brandon. You have enough on your plate today
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Old 07-09-2007, 06:34 AM
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((((heather))))
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