Wascally Wabbit

I know everyone has different feelings and everyone is on different levels of their recovery, but, staying with an addict that refuses to get help can cause you devestation that YOU might not be able to recover from.

I married a man who started oxy's for back and neck pain. He was working a 60k job, has a college degree. He quit his job and the hell began.
I didn't know that he cashed in his 401k, spent the entire 80,000 of it in less than a year, and maxed his credit cards. I was with him 6 yrs.

Here it is 2 years after I left him. I have credit companies coming after ME for his debt. Why? Because I was stupid enough to put him on my health insurance when he quit his job.
He racked up over 65,000 in credit card debt. The kicker is he had put my name on most of these cards as an authorized user. That means that while I might have used less than 100.00 on these cards, I am HALF responsible for the total of 65,000.
Can you imagine being 52 years old, having your credit destroyed for the next 10 years, and possibly having to pay for HIS problems? YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.

I got turned down for a job that pays 8000 more, only for the reason that all his cc's are on my credit report! I got turned down to buy a mobil home to live in. I was turned down to buy a car. I could very well be ruined for the rest of my life on this. I can't begin to tell you how very depressed all this has made me.

His mother is the enabler. She pays his house payment, and will give him her own payed for home to live in when the one he owns is forclosed on!
His mother is well off. She has a plan to not put anything in his name, but his sisters name instead. That way he will always be taken care of, and nothing can be taken away from him due to his credit issues.
He refused to file bankruptcy. Why I don't know.

While I am now living in the after effects of his earthquake, trying to care for a grandbaby and her mother.

I work hard, I am honest and a decent person. I didn't deserve this.
We get so caught up in the drama of the addict, and get royally skrewed in the end because we refused to see the light when it all began. Denial will be our downfall.
A few words of "I love you", and we stick right in there, ever hoping that things will get better. Well, they DON"T get better if they don't earnestly seek help.
They get worse and worse till our lives are unmanagable, and beyond repair.
Elana posted, "KICK THEM TO THE CURB". I say amen!

Lovestoomuch

OMG.........this is me too!! Except for the job thing. I've never heard of that!! I did however only find one bank willing to give me a checking account because of my credit!! It's exhausting and frustrating. I'm kicking myself for not taking care of myself and my credit more than I did him.

IMO.....even if you do decide to stay with an addict who remains active.......protect yourself financially. Trust me on this one. The aftermath can be devistating!!

Guinevere

Wascally,
OMG, your story is alarming. It should be a wake up call to anyone whose finances and credit are entangled with an addict's. You are correct; you do not deserve this and neither do you, Loves.

When you kick them to the curb (KTTTC), I guess you still have to be prepared to handle the garbage they leave behind. The sooner you KTTTC, the less garbage they have time to accumulate. And Wascally's story indicates some addicts add to the trash pile after you KTTTC.

I don't know the law, but isn't it suppose to protect the innocent? Why does adding a person to your health insurance make you responsible for their additional debt?

outonalimb

Amen to this post!!

I lost my home. I had to sign it over to the bank in lieu of foreclosure and simply walk away with NOTHING to show for it (after paying on it for 10 years and pouring all of my money, blood, sweat, and tears into it). My credit was shot to hell. I left with $40,000 in debt. I'll be paying for my mistakes for years to come.

BUT...YA KNOW WHAT? I got out. And I'm rebuilding my life. And my son is safe and happy. So it all turned out okay.

I was just so damn naive and forgiving.

I can't change what happened but I sure have learned from it. And grown stronger, too! And, at the end of the day, I can look myself in the eye and know I'm a good person who just made some stupid mistakes in the name of 'LOVE'.

I might come across a little strong (i.e. HARSH) sometimes...but how I wish I had discovered SR sooner. (I didn't find this site until two months AFTER I left my exah)I'm not sure if I would have really "listened" or "heard" what people were saying about all of this but it sure would have been an eye-opener.

Nitelite

(((((((gentle hugs)))))
Wascally, when my crazed ex and I went separate ways, he, too, left a trail of destructive debt-- it turns out he was stuffing snow up his nose with a straw...

Have you tried a nonprofit consumer credit counseling center? Not the paying kind-- the nonprofits work directly with creditors, and can offset some of the damage. They also can ensure letters detailing your addict's escapades are noted in credit bureau files. It's not perfect, and it's not a cure, but it can help — and I think it works in another way, letting us know we are not helpless, that we can take action.

prayers ~ nitelite

BigSis

Wascally... can YOU file bankruptcy? I know the laws have changed, but I cannot imagine having to deal with this debt for ten years. Even with Chapter 13 (the kind where you pay back the creditors, but the accumulation of finance charges STOPS), even with that, you would be done in 4 years (generally).

In any case, hugs and prayers going out to you.... (((WW)))

envision

Wascally, that is just plain awful!! I pray that better things come your way!

Wascally Wabbit

BigSis, I filed bankruptcy 6 years ago, so no, I can't.

Elana

WW.. that is just the PITS. Makes me even MORE happy my ex is gone.. could have been me writing thos words tho he never had a 401k or a decent job and he took MY money to do things... I never quite trusted him so that kept me in good stead.

I am a LOT less well off and I just figured my budget.. Hmm.. that was a bit of an eye opener but I will be OK.

Meanwhile, if YOU file for bankruptcy it can protect you from HIS debts. It is a b**ch to get back from bankruptcy but it is WAY better to be at zero and start over NOW than it is to pay off HIS bills and start over in 10 years.

Just something you may want to think about.

BTW I am 51 going to be 52 in December. I truly understand.

Elana

Sorry.. you posted as I was writing.

Damn.. you can do it next year tho when the Statute runs can you not?

Wascally Wabbit

Loves, YES! You can be turned down for a job if you have a bad credit report. It's the newest thing employers are doing.

Guinevere- The law protects itself! Being married to someone makes you both "one". You share everything, especially debt!

Outonalimb- I hope you're young enough to recover! I am 52. I like your attitude. Yes, I am thankful to be out, away from the drama. I am so glad I don't have to deal with that any more.

Nitelite, I might take you up on the suggestion. It won't hurt to ask!

BigSis, I filed bankruptcy 6 years ago. So I am STUCK.

outonalimb

WW...

I know it sounds trite...but just remember, its only money.
In the big scheme of things, how much we have in our bank acct (or credit ledger) means nothing...absolutely nothing.

You're a strong woman. And you share so much of your strength with everyone here. Hold your head up, girl, and be proud of yourself for walking away. You rock!! And don't ever forget it!!!!!!!!!!

raerae6

(((((Wasacally)))))

I hope everyone who is involved with an addict or thinking about getting involved reads this thread..

Thankyou for sharing and I am so sorry this happened to you.

just for today

This post reminded me how important it is for women or men for that matter to be vigilant in monitoring their financial health, especially if their SO has any type of addiction problems.....run credit checks as often as necessary, credit monitoring can be very reasonable, considering the cost of not doing it.......it also reminded me of this article....maybe you have seen it before, but it hits on some very good points......

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:

….one old love she can imagine going back to….and one who reminds her how far she has come…..

….enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants or needs to.

….something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

….A youth she is content to leave behind.

….a past juicy enough that she is looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

….a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.

….one friend who always makes her laugh…and one who lets her cry.

….a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family….

….eight matching plates, wine glasses with stem, and a recipe for a meal that would make her guests feel honored.

…a feeling of control over her destiny

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:

….how to fall in love without loosing herself.

….when to try harder,….. and when to walk away…


….that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

….that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it is over…..

….what she would and wouldn’t do for love any more…

…. How to live alone….even if she doesn’t like it…..

….whom she can trust, whom she can’t and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

….where to go…be it her best friend’s kitchen table…or a charming inn in the woods…when her soul needs soothing

…what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…a month… and a year….

Peace

Wascally Wabbit

justfortoday, you are so right. I learned the hard way, trusting him all the way. Why should I check my credit report? He was the one I loved!

Never mind ladies if you've had a bankruptcy in your past, you still need to monitor it for anything new that might come in that you're not aware of. Not doing so could cost you everything.

dollydo

My car insurance company also runs a credit check on a potential insuree.

Where I work, they run both credit and background checks. If you have a bankruptcy, have a credit score under 600, or have ever been evicted, they will not hire you.

I thank you for posting this, and, I am so sorry for your circumstances.

cinderellawkids

DId you know when petitioning the court for adoption they run the same checks? Bankruptcy can interfere with that process.

I just figured Id throw that out there.

When I met my husband my credit score was 680, now its 210, why. cause I believed in him, we bought things together that there was no way I could afford alone. It will take me a long time to fix that