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other parents.....do you ever feel this way?

Old 07-06-2007, 01:47 PM
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other parents.....do you ever feel this way?

I haven't posted for a while because i think my emotions are in a shut down mode. My son relapsed after six months clean. He lasted six weeks after coming home from rehab. This was his second rehab visit and the second one we paid for. So he picked himself up, dusted himself off and is back at AA, working two jobs. His wife put him out. He is staying with another AA member until the end of July. After that, who knows? Someone told me he missed three meetings in a row. My brother just asked, "Are you making all of your meetings?" His answer was yes. That was a lie but my brother did not confront him. So in a nutshell, I haven't spoken to y son in over six weeks. I am ashamed to say I haven't really thought about him so much. Granted I have been busy working very hard at my job. I think now even though he is my son I have become indifferent. I am enbarrassed because I am a mom and feel that way. He has put me through so much that I just want to wish him well and go on with my life and not dance his dance and worry forever more. Do you think I am being cold? My emotions have honestly shut down. I just don't want to do this anymore evwen if he is my son. I just need some thoughts from you out there.....dixied
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Old 07-06-2007, 01:54 PM
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Not cold - just taking care of yourself and letting your son have the dignity to walk his own path.

((dixied))

There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.

Rita
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Old 07-06-2007, 02:13 PM
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Yes I have...and still do on occassion.
Today he does well, but when I get weak, I let my mind wander to the "Yeah buts" and I go right back to that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm not sure when I will be able to just feel without occassional fear, but when it hits, I want nothing to do with any of it.

The part that troubles me most is not so much the fear for him anymore, but my fear of my feelings "for" him at times. Then I have the guilt of feeling that way about my son, when its no longer his but my issues that are triggering it.

I'm not sure if that made sense, but I pray often that time takes care of it.

(((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 07-06-2007, 02:48 PM
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dixied, I wish I could get to the indifferent phase that you shared about; that is just a diff. word for detachment. As moms that is the toughest place to get to but with our addicted adult children it really is the healthy place we strive for. There is no win win situation here. No need to add guilt, just keep doing what you are doing that gives you ease from AS's problems.
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Old 07-06-2007, 03:08 PM
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thank you so much seeker......it is just that I have been lied to for so long and taken advantage of that whether you are a parent or not there comes a point where enough is enough and I've reached it.....however I keep hearing about unconditional love for kids and I doubt that i have it...........at least at this point.......thanks for your very kind words. They are much appreciated........dixied
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Old 07-06-2007, 03:10 PM
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what you feel is not cold it is turning him over to your h.p. you are strong in your recovery & taking care of you.do not feel guility.he has choices & i hope he will get back on track.saying prayers for you & him.
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Old 07-06-2007, 04:13 PM
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I feel the same way. I find it calming...Marian
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Old 07-06-2007, 04:23 PM
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I think it is just another way to get "detatchment". I needed raging anger to get mine, you are getting yours with a dose of something sadder.

But in the long run, my daughter's addiction and your son's addiction and their subsequent recovery.... is none of our business.

I am glad to see you are able to NOT think about that part so much.

My daughter has said that I used to only see the addict... today, I see more.

I wish you well.
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Old 07-06-2007, 04:39 PM
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((((((Dixied)))))))


I was worrying a couple of weeks ago about the same thing.
Have I detached so much that I can't feel anything toward him and the way he's living his life?
It's not something that I'm dwelling on daily, but I do have those feelings.
I think we all go through that at one point or another.
I do love my son. It's just that lately I've become numb to his "world".
Because it involves too much drama and chaos.
My hubby always says, "when your hangin' by your fingernails, don't go waving your arms."
My son is the poster child of "arm waving."
We, as codependents, can only take someone not doing what we say for so long. lol
I think it has alot to do with us just being tired of it all.
I don't even comment anymore when he starts the rants.
He recently asked me what's wrong, when I didn't comment on a "problem" he's dealing with and he was b*tchin' and moanin' non stop.
I smiled and politely told him, "until you learn to deal with life on life's terms, without recovery, I might add, you are always going to be running into these brick walls."
He just stared at me. I went back to sewing. lol
We're protecting and taking better care of ourselves, I think.
That's recovery and working the program.
Something that I pray my son will "get" eventually.
Mom hugs and lots of prayers,
Linda
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Old 07-06-2007, 04:47 PM
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I have not seen my AD since March 7th. (Before that it was 3 months, before that 2, etc.) She was coming over saying she wanted to go to a rehab. After a week of this, I finally just confronted her. Cost me over $300 to find out that was not what she was ready for. So I have found myself detaching more and more. I know that I still love her but she has more than one addiction (she is also bulimic) and I have tried for years to get her to love herself. Now I am starting to love me. I just don't want that chaos in my life again. When I was growing up, my parents stayed out of my life and let me make my own mistakes. They did not enable me with money, college, cars, etc. I did okay. Will my daughter. I don't know but like she has told me, It is her life. So I see no reason to feel guilty about wanting to be happy, wanting a life that is yours. After all, isn't that what the addict is supposedly doing. We can be a little selfish too, can't we? Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-06-2007, 05:28 PM
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thank you to all who have replied and i cannot begin to say how much your kindness means to me. I guess I have been so worn out and "worn down" by his actions. I think to some degree he might be working the program but then again I have thought that before. I have two beautiful daughters on scholarship in college and doing so well. I found I really couldn't enjoy them as I should for worrying about my 32 year old son. So now I am focusing on enjoying them more. I have sent not one penny to my son but I have assisted his wife and my grandchild as she is working part-time and caring for my grandchild in a superb way so I think they deserve help but my son can just do it on his own. He will feel better in the long run stepping up to the plate so to speak. I've paid for my last rehab for him. The only thing I continue to pay for him is his cobra on his insurance . I felt I would have done that for any sick child I had that was in need. But that's it. Well thank all of you for letting me get these thoughts out in the open. thanks..dixied
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Old 07-06-2007, 05:44 PM
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So many wise words before me, dixied...

I just want to tell you that although you sound kind of tired and worn down, you're strength is so inspiring. It really is.

I can only imagine how hard it must be as a parent...

You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight...and so is your son.
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Old 07-06-2007, 07:08 PM
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Dixied, I think that sometimes we mistake the lack of rushing adrenaline of fear with emotion. With recovery, my fear subsided and the uncontrollable urge to "do something" to save my son.

When I gave my son to God's care, it was not because I couldn't "care" anymore, it was because I was exhausted and ready to surrender my will.

I know you love your son, but letting go or detaching is the only thing that will stop addiction from pulling us into hell along with our children.

You're doing just fine and your recovery is shining. Keep living your life well, as life was intended to be lived.

Hugs
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Old 07-06-2007, 07:49 PM
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It is a hard thing to detach from our children and totally unnatural for us to do as moms...but detach we must. I try to think of it as giving her to God and asking him to care for her because I cannot, I must care for myself. I still love her with all my heart and soul, yet its my love for her that lets me let her go. I know when I finally and I mean finally because it took me a long long time to let go...when I did I almost had to be mad and angry to do it, but I came to realize that really I was angry with myself because I did not do it long before...and then I sorted out who I loved..I loved HER but I didn't need to love her drug, crack
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Old 07-06-2007, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by dixied View Post
I think now even though he is my son I have become indifferent. I am enbarrassed because I am a mom and feel that way. He has put me through so much that I just want to wish him well and go on with my life and not dance his dance and worry forever more. Do you think I am being cold?
Dix, I am right where you are. I too wish to just live my life FREE from all the drama and bullsh**. Addicts and alcoholics wear us completely out. There's nothing left for them after they've used us all up.
Now it's our time. Time to live. Time to let live.
Hugs to you my friend.
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Old 07-06-2007, 08:38 PM
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I wish I were where you ARE!!! I think it's recovery shining!!
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Old 07-06-2007, 09:42 PM
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I can tell you my non emotion experience.
on mothers day my son relapsed, he was in the shower and I heard a thud, when I went to investigate there he was lying in the tub with blue lips, not breathing. I yelled for my husband and my older son to drag him out and started cpr. when all was said and done I was sitting with my neighbors "calming them down" I was laughing about things and saying hell yes he was going to work. Its not an emotional shut down, its acceptence of what is, and may be. so give yourself a break, you dealt with it just fine.
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Old 07-06-2007, 10:53 PM
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I understand the need to get away from the drama...I am so exhausted by my AS's repetitive behavior and he's only 17...You have set an example for me.
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Old 07-07-2007, 07:06 AM
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I have "neutral" feelings for my son and that is a healthy place of detachment.
I will always love him in the unconditional sense. His life is his to lead as mine is mine.
I live well and let others live as they choose.
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Old 07-07-2007, 08:41 AM
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time for mom and dad hugs....

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