dixied

thanks to everyone for their support. I felt sort of like the ugly, mean, old parent but I have been renewed by your comments and it means more than you ever know. I will continue on letting him live life on life's terms which it is as it should be. God bless......dixie

lightseeker

Dixie -

I got in on this late but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I think that sometimes we forget that we have been the victims of emotional and verbal abuse. I know that over time it robs you of yourself. I think that that is why our recovery is so important. Repeatedly being lied to and disappointed does numb even the strongest of people. I am sure that your love for him remains deep and strong......his behaviors might have been what have made you detach. Even when you can't feel the feelings it's okay. It's probably due to the pain and disappointment that you feel that way. I am strong but I know that there is just so much I can take before I stand back further from the fire. Doesn't mean that I don't care.

Glad that you checked in - I've thought about you.

Hugs, Donna

dixied

thanks for the good thoughts donna. I am continuing to stay strong taking one day at a time. Right now I am five hours away from my son. I do not call him but I wish him well. I do not send praise to him for doing well. He should not be praised for what he should have done all along. My brother keeps in touch with him but even my brother takes a hands off attitude and does not give my son money, or rides to work. The next hurdle will be where he will try to live the end of July and most importantly what happens when he gets $$$ in his pocket. Only time will tell but it's up to him.....thanks everyone for your kindness. dixie

Hangin' In

Dixied,

You've received so many good responses and I'm glad you are feeling better about yourself and how you are handling your son and the addiction.

For me, I know I have to do what is best for me. For so many years my life was spent focused on my RAD and what she was doing. I wore myself out doing that. Like your son, my RAD lives many hours away from me. I know that is a "God thing" for I don't do well with a front row seat, even on her best days.

There is absolutely nothing wrong, in my eyes, with how you are handling this. Al Anon and this board has taught me to take healthy care of myself. As Mr. Hangin' says, "What our daughter does affects us, but it doesn't have to destroy us." I agree. I have a life to live, a good life, and I'm going after it. I hope you will, too, because you deserve it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

dixied

hanging ,

I have a vacation home which is five hours away from my son. I also have a seasonal business which is in full operation now. I worry someyimes if he will break in my home while we are gone. DH says if AS does that the next stop is jail for him and he has told AS that. Fair warning.
Sometimes I experience waves of great sadness over what could have been and WHY it is this way. My son was attending a top 10 university (Duke University) when he was a hight school sophomore in an invitation only summer school experience. He was popular and vice president of his senior class. I say this to explain the future that lay ahead. The young man my son tutored in high school (his best friend back then)is now a physician. My son could have easily done that. SOmwhere along the way......and we do not know where because his story ALWAYS changes drugs entered the picture and EVERYTHING changed. We did not pick up on the problem nor did his wife who was also conned and lied to. When he couldn't cpntrol things anymore and went on a binge and was fired from the family business things came out. The rest is either history or trial by fire regarding family emotions. The substance abuse counselors tell me my son is so smart that he could write or lecture on substance abuse so he knows the score. He has had six months clean and lasted six weeks in real life. Sad isn't it? dixie

Hangin' In

Dixie,

I've done that, mourned what "could have been". And you know what? All that does is depress me, so I just will not let myself do it anymore. It doesn't do a bit of good. So when thoughts start shifting that way, I stop myself. I get up, I "move a muscle, change a mood" or do anything, just get my mind going in another direction.

And I know many very intelligent addicts/alcoholics. They are some of the smartest people I know. Guess that is why some of them stay out there and are able to just keep making it, barely getting by, because of their "smarts" even though they are not doing smart things.

I just know I cannot let myself worry about the "what if's". Like your husband said, if he breaks in, then it's to jail he goes. And well he should. I have to live with the consequences of my choices and so do our addicted loved ones.

And trust me, I know all about having what appears to be a smart, intelligent, got everything going for her, child. Mine excelled in school, social settings, talented with a voice I'd kill for. On the outside she looked so together, but on the inside, so insecure.

So when all our stuff hit the fan, I finally broke down and went to Al Anon. Dropped my pride (that was a toughie) and said, "HELP!" Best thing I've ever done for myself. I've learned that AD has to live her life and make her choices. And for me, well, I can have a happy life, a good life. But it's up to me to get the focus on me and make that happen. As long as I'm mourning over what happened in my daughter's life, I can't focus on me.

Hugs to you cause I know how you feel.

Hangin' In

dixied

thanks hangin' for the empathy. i needed those words, especially tonight.......so from the bottom of my heart i thank you, my friend......hugs, dixied