he did WHAT?!!!
 

My son reports, with more than a little irritation, that his father and his longt-time girlfriend are advocating he go to Narcotics Anonymous

Because they both are now new members of NA, according to mutual acquaintances. Had been using for a while....

I almost don't know where to start. Neal and I divorced more than 16 years ago.

From the time Josh was 10 to the time he was 18, Neal tied me up in court. He's a doctor, he had the money. He accused me of giving Josh heroin. He told teachers I was negligent and allowed Josh to be out till all hours of the early a.m. He disconnected utilities when his son needed a nebulizer for asthma treatments. & so on. He put sugar in my gas tank. He called protective services and triggered an investigation. (all you have to do in this state is call...) He harassed both me and my employers to the point that my employers sought legal counsel. That's in spite of two court orders to stay away. He stalked me.

Mostly, he robbed me blind. By keeping me in court on dozens of baseless, crazy complaints, he made sure I never got a vacation with the kids. That I would go deeply into debt for legal bills. That we would never have the stability of a home, because I would never have the financial stability to buy one.

His girlfriend, who was doing the same — and I mean exactly the same, right down to the wording of the court filings — to her own husband, egged him on. He egged her on. It went on for years.

Everyone - judges, lawyers, doctors, everyone, always said, in one version or another: "Is he nuts?"
Because he acted just like an addict. insane and self-destructive.

In the last few months, he has resorted to the allegations and accusations he once used in court. He e-mailed me that unless I talked to him that he would report Josh missing, then have the police come knocking on my door. Ludicrous.

He also repo'd a car Josh was using for school. He didn't do it because Josh was using. Josh was clean (at the time). That pretty much ensured Josh could not return to school.

About 98 percent of the time, it's in the past. (Ever since Josh was 18, anyway, and he could no longer drag me into court.) A few years ago, in a rare moment of sweetness, he asked, 'Can you ever forgive me?" And I thought, it wasn't for me to forgive. It's over. In any event, I no longer warm up to the drama of such a question.

But this has burned my bacon. It all comes back in a wave: All that insanity. All those allegations, that he made in public court documents and then trotted around to newspapers, hoping they would print it. The things he did and agony he caused.

Now he's in NA.

There are not enough Fourth Steps in the world to make amends. I can't just recoup those years, or those chunks of Josh's childhood.

But there is one thing.

I am putting Josh out on Sept. 1, a date we have both agreed on, but I want the kid to have a car. I can't buy the car because I am still paying those old %^&*() legal and medical bills. Even tho Josh is 22. I'll be paying for at least two more years.

Maybe Josh will go to school if he has wheels, maybe he won't. Maybe he will stay clean, maybe he won't.
But. I. Want. That. Car.
I want...I want....if not justice, at least ~ what? Even I don't know. The idea that he might go thru some weepy 4th step enrages me.

I don't know where my own recovery fits into this.

I know that Al-Anon has helped me realize I wasn't really establishing boundaries. I just let him rain abuse on me. Of course, not even the doctors could handle him, either ~ of course not. HE WAS USING. Josh had told me as much a year ago, but I thought it must have been over for a long time....

It feels, in some small way, that if I don't do...something...that I am just door-matting myself. Again. I was always the one trying to not confront, not react, even though sometimes I am sure that made things worse.
On the other hand, it also feels close to jumping back into the madness.

Ideas? I am sooooooooooooooo angry.

And this morning? On my way to work as I gritted my teeth over this? My car started acting up.

just sending hugs. k

Wow...I'm not sure I understand at what point he decided to join NA...recently?

Look on the bright side...if he really does plan on making a serious effort to stick with NA then perhaps his actions will change for the better, in the future. Any ammends he chooses to make, does not obligate you in any way.

The past is done, not much can be gained by continuing to look back. But that doesn't mean it isn't a lesson learned.

I have to admit that if either of my Ex's behaved in that way I would be as angry as you. As hard as it often is I've learned to try my hardest to let go of the anger...doing otherwise not only eats at me, but it fuels the fire...puts me at the same level as the one I'm angry with.

I'm not sure its the "healthy" kind of letting go of anger, because it often doesn't feel very forgiving, but its the closest I can get at this point.

Keep coming and venting (that helps me a lot)
Wishing you peace
((((Hugs)))
Cece

What a thing.

So.. do you have an Alanon sponsor? How does she feel about this new information?

Remembering that I am on the far side of the computer screen, I can tell you from my perspective, nothing has changed. He was an abusive ass to you, and the damage he did back then is still exactly as it was.

This new piece of information may change his future relationship toward you... but I know if it were ME, I would probably start trying to plan around that eventuality... which is my OLD behavior... and which leads to disappointment - and...whattyaknow... more resentments.

Whatever 4th step your ex has...will be with his sponsor. If he finally gets well enough to do the amends step... that will be a long way from now, and will be only what HE considers necessary. Heck, there is a real possibility it won't even include you. (not that you don't deserve an amends, but if he was using, his memory may just not remember things the same as you).

So now you know that instead of dealing with an intelligent, educated, "together" man... the damage you received was from a hurting, raging, crazy, using addict.

Does knowing that he was not "whole" help lower the expectations around how he should have treated you? Sometimes, lowered expectations help me ease the resentments I hold.

They tell me in program that holding resentments is like taking poison...and waiting for the other person to die. :)

I do wish you well... and hope you can make some of those Alanon calls over this. I think it would be worthwhile.

(((loving, gentle hugs)))

I don't know anything about your finances but you don't ahve to buy him a new car. It can be one that rungs well and will give him a year or two.

I have nothing to say to the rest but I sure do understand your anger. I think you are OK to be angry and I think not being angry would be odd.

That being said, don't stay in that anger place for a long time. Use it to get past it.

As to your ex.. if he wants to make amends tell him this, "Don't make amends with words. Just send money!"

If Josh is not in recovery, does he need to be driving? Also, why are you putting him out on Sept. 1? How did this come about? I hope you will share some more of this as I have a similar circumstance especially regarding the decision of having to leave your home and also the driving. My AD does not live in my home anymore because I could no longer stand the insanity.

to the shrieking teapot, steaming along....these are all "ahh!" responses...

BigSis, it IS good to realize he was a raging addict, strangely enough...to be reminded, CeCe, that I don't have to rage over the past...to realize, deep down, that this could help Josh...that Josh can buy his own heap, anvilhead, to get to work, and as for school; well, he will just have to figure that one out — when he's ready to go back, which he isn't, not right now...I love the "get to a meeting or six"...(!) and "just send money, Elana--" LOL!

Loveslife, Josh is — supposedly — clean right now. But he's been here several months and is no longer doing things to get his life moving. The longer he stays, the more dependent he gets ( he's 22 ) and the more he acts like a teenager, the more I mother him. He is working, but little else

Plus, & as long as he is here, I will continue to obsess over his sobriety, and his growing up-ness, and whether he has skinned his knee today or wants cookies from the store!
He needs to grow up as much as I need him to...There can be insanity even without the drinking & drugging...

The car is ticklish--there's no real mass transit here....and everything is sprawl.
But he is saving, so...really, it would be better for him to get his own, without mom or (grrr..soft, stay way from me....grrrrrr.) dad.

((Nite))

Hoping that you can have a peaceful weekend - without all the drama caused by this disease.

((hugs))
Rita

Nitelite,
I am so happy Josh is clean and sober AND working - all very positive things. I so agree with you that the next step is for him to get out on his own. I admire you for taking that stance.
My AD is not working and not doing much about it. Also, although recently out of a rehab, I don't like the vibes I get. The funds for the rental will be out soon, and I don't plan to give any more until some progress is made - (even though the funds are hers technically, I still have guardianship (control) and don't think any more money should be given until she is really really serious about recovery. I hate the position I'm in of having to decide that, but that's the way I feel. As long as she has free money, I don't think she will change.

Hugs and understanding.

i can understand u wanting that car.i am glad josh is clean & working.hopefully he will be out on his own soon & you can have the peace so deserve.prayers, hope

You know, after back-to-back meetings this morning, it has occured to me that maybe I am so enraged because it reminds me how I could not protect the kids when he was going through those years of madness...
I have been so ashamed that I could not have taken the boys and provided them shelter from neal's storm...I was not in al-anon...and having lost a chunk of my own childhood to alcoholism, addiction and abuse, and being ashamed of that as well; well, I just thought I would always be strong enough to keep the kids safe from that kind of madness. And I couldn't.
So neal is a teacher.
However, I still may have to take a tennis racuqet to my pillow....
prayers and thanks to all...

I have an old pillow around here somewhere I can send you.. full of feathers.. YOu can make quite a satisfying mess with it.

Not a bad idea either.

You know, you have nothing to be ashamed of, your ex certianly does.
But there comes a time when our children must be responsible for themselves and STOP blaming the parents. They have a choice to live right. If they choose otherwise, then they also have the right to suffer the consequenses of their actions.
Hold your head high. You did the best you could at the time.