please help..i want to get through to him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
please help..i want to get through to him
hi everyone....i need your assistance...i cannot speak or contact my ah as you all know except if it is regards to the kids...so what i want to do is tell my lawyer what to tell him....my feelings...and what he needs to do to prove to me that he really wants to save this family....he is still blaming me though and actually believes that it is ME that has all of the issues. So, if he is in the middle of his addiction, maybe it just doesnt matter and he wont see that what he needs to do is concentrate on himself....as i quoted Dr. Phil before, I am giving him a "gift"--a choice to egt help for those of you who will tell me there is nothing we can do to get the addict to change...but we can "lift the bottom" a little so that they hit it sooner, as I feel should have happened in this case where he is no longer in our house, and is seperated from me and the kids...
anyway, I just wanted advice as to how i should word what i want my lawyer to tell him.....thanks!
anyway, I just wanted advice as to how i should word what i want my lawyer to tell him.....thanks!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Drained...I would tell him nothing.
It has come to the point that you need to prove by example the life you intend for you and your kids, with or without him. Your strength will perservere, if you allow it to.
Just like with the addicts in our life's we must act, not talk about acting, and if they choose to follow, then there is hope. If they chose not to, there's not a whole lot that can be done by us to change that.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
It has come to the point that you need to prove by example the life you intend for you and your kids, with or without him. Your strength will perservere, if you allow it to.
Just like with the addicts in our life's we must act, not talk about acting, and if they choose to follow, then there is hope. If they chose not to, there's not a whole lot that can be done by us to change that.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I agree with Cece. There is no point in telling him anything. He already knows.
I hate to say this drained, but you really need to examine what's going on in your head and why you want to stay with this obviously abusive, manipulative, person.
I hate to say this drained, but you really need to examine what's going on in your head and why you want to stay with this obviously abusive, manipulative, person.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Drained,
The only thing I would explain to your ex is why I am filing the motions to have him held in contempt of the FM. He keep contacting you and not putting his pay check in the account for the bills to be paid. Once you show him you are not playing games anymore he will get the picture he has to change. You can not tell an addict anything that will make him change, he has to want it. You have to go on with your life and the lives of your children. He is in denial and is doing what addicts do try to control everyone around them and blame everyone else. Good luck. Talk to your lawyer and listen to his advice he is working for your best interest in all of this
The only thing I would explain to your ex is why I am filing the motions to have him held in contempt of the FM. He keep contacting you and not putting his pay check in the account for the bills to be paid. Once you show him you are not playing games anymore he will get the picture he has to change. You can not tell an addict anything that will make him change, he has to want it. You have to go on with your life and the lives of your children. He is in denial and is doing what addicts do try to control everyone around them and blame everyone else. Good luck. Talk to your lawyer and listen to his advice he is working for your best interest in all of this
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
I agree what everyone has said. I wouldn't say anything - you can say it a million times and a million different ways. He won't get it until he is ready.
You have come so far - try and get on with YOUR life now.
You have come so far - try and get on with YOUR life now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
The hardest part of loving an addict is finally accepting the fact that you have NO control over it....none. He will never, not ever, get sober for you, for your marriage or for your kids. It just doesn't work that way. He will get clean and sober only when he wants it for himself, and for no other reason. You have got to understand that this addiction was never about you and the recovery will never be about you. It's a tough lesson to learn but until you do, you will never be able to move on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You CANNOT get through to him...and sharing your feeling is just keeping this going on and encouraging it.
I cannot support you in this continuing madness.
You have been given so much helpful wisdom, but you can't/won't hear it.
You are waiting for him to wake up and smell the coffee, but you yourself refuse to.
I cannot support you in this continuing madness.
You have been given so much helpful wisdom, but you can't/won't hear it.
You are waiting for him to wake up and smell the coffee, but you yourself refuse to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Drained,
You are just as guilty as your AH when it comes to playing mind games and manipulation. You're just as sick as he is.
See...you can put together a really powerful argument for why your AH needs to change and send it thru your attorney...just as we could sit here and try to tell you that you need to 'let go' and focus on yourself...but in the end, it just doesn't matter because neither one of you are willing or ready to change.
For your children's sake, I pray that your ready soon otherwise this dance between you and your AH will go on for years.
I wish you well...I really do.
You are just as guilty as your AH when it comes to playing mind games and manipulation. You're just as sick as he is.
See...you can put together a really powerful argument for why your AH needs to change and send it thru your attorney...just as we could sit here and try to tell you that you need to 'let go' and focus on yourself...but in the end, it just doesn't matter because neither one of you are willing or ready to change.
For your children's sake, I pray that your ready soon otherwise this dance between you and your AH will go on for years.
I wish you well...I really do.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
...so what i want to do is tell my lawyer what to tell him....my feelings...and what he needs to do to prove to me that he really wants to save this family....
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi DW... I responded on your other thread.
I remember wanting SO badly to sit my meth-addicted daughter down and just talk to her. Gently, with kindness... so perhaps she could HEAR me.
I even had the opportunity - a few times. But each time, the devil was control... her addiction made her wild and angry and raging and hysterical. I could not be kind and gentle. I could only be sad and in pain.
One night, I was taking her to a friend's house and it suddenly dawned on me that she was in relapse and this was not a "friends house"... I was taking her to a DRUG house. I tried, SO HARD, to get her to stay in the car. To come home with me. To stay sober. I was desperate and talking as fast and as clearly as I could. And she got so hard and mean ... it was like I was talking to a complete stranger.
I cried (hard) the entire ten miles home. And prayed. And felt very much the way I did the day I drove around planning my exit from the planet.
But you know what? My Higher Power walked me through that time. I was not happy. I was not feeling good. But the despair was not AS great as before. And a part of me knew, absolutely, I would come out the other side.
And I did.
In fact. That was the last night she used. She has been clean for over 2 years now.
But it was nothing I said. And nothing I did.
(((hugs)))
I remember wanting SO badly to sit my meth-addicted daughter down and just talk to her. Gently, with kindness... so perhaps she could HEAR me.
I even had the opportunity - a few times. But each time, the devil was control... her addiction made her wild and angry and raging and hysterical. I could not be kind and gentle. I could only be sad and in pain.
One night, I was taking her to a friend's house and it suddenly dawned on me that she was in relapse and this was not a "friends house"... I was taking her to a DRUG house. I tried, SO HARD, to get her to stay in the car. To come home with me. To stay sober. I was desperate and talking as fast and as clearly as I could. And she got so hard and mean ... it was like I was talking to a complete stranger.
I cried (hard) the entire ten miles home. And prayed. And felt very much the way I did the day I drove around planning my exit from the planet.
But you know what? My Higher Power walked me through that time. I was not happy. I was not feeling good. But the despair was not AS great as before. And a part of me knew, absolutely, I would come out the other side.
And I did.
In fact. That was the last night she used. She has been clean for over 2 years now.
But it was nothing I said. And nothing I did.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Drained...
Despite what I said earlier, I think you DO want to change. I really do...I'm glad you're reaching out for support. I hope you can find some meetings. I hope you find a way that works for you.
When I said you were as sick as he is, however, I meant it. And ya know what? Someone said the exact same thing to me when I was in a situation VERY similar to yours. And ya know what else? I got VERY pissed at her for saying it. Very pissed. But once the anger passed, I was able to see that I was just as responsible for my situation as my exah was. I wasn't out using drugs...but I was stuck in codependent behavior hell bent on making my exah see things 'my way'. From where I sat, I was the sane one in the relationship. But what it all boils down to...is that you can't run his life for him. You cannot dictate how, when and why he will recover. You don't have that type of power and, frankly, you don't have that kind of right even if he is your husband. He is a child of God and he really should be left to live his life the way he chooses. And so should you. You are not powerless. You are a strong woman...whether you feel like it or not but your focusing your attention and energy in the wrong direction and on the wrong person.
All said with love...like I said, I've been there.
Despite what I said earlier, I think you DO want to change. I really do...I'm glad you're reaching out for support. I hope you can find some meetings. I hope you find a way that works for you.
When I said you were as sick as he is, however, I meant it. And ya know what? Someone said the exact same thing to me when I was in a situation VERY similar to yours. And ya know what else? I got VERY pissed at her for saying it. Very pissed. But once the anger passed, I was able to see that I was just as responsible for my situation as my exah was. I wasn't out using drugs...but I was stuck in codependent behavior hell bent on making my exah see things 'my way'. From where I sat, I was the sane one in the relationship. But what it all boils down to...is that you can't run his life for him. You cannot dictate how, when and why he will recover. You don't have that type of power and, frankly, you don't have that kind of right even if he is your husband. He is a child of God and he really should be left to live his life the way he chooses. And so should you. You are not powerless. You are a strong woman...whether you feel like it or not but your focusing your attention and energy in the wrong direction and on the wrong person.
All said with love...like I said, I've been there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree with cece and the rest. You need to look at why you think telling him your feelings and making him prove to you his love and wanting to save him family. I understand your need for wanting assurances right now for your future and the future of your kids, but you are asking a man who's only lost living in his house at this point and is beleived to still be an active user to make you promises that you are going to base your future actions on. In one way you are still trying to control him and both your futures and I do understand your wanting to know but you need to think of what you do know today, he is still using so how can you base anything he may say about your future with any kind of trust?
All he's lost at this point so far is living in his home, you have to remember that, that may not be his bottom at all but you can't force that bottom to happen sooner by demanding the active addict tell you the truth about your future. He needs to feel that lose and live with it not just hear about it may happen.
All he's lost at this point so far is living in his home, you have to remember that, that may not be his bottom at all but you can't force that bottom to happen sooner by demanding the active addict tell you the truth about your future. He needs to feel that lose and live with it not just hear about it may happen.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
What everyone else said.
I understand your desire to retain the fairy tale.. married to a laywer with good money and the life style that goes with it.. but the fairy tale ending isn't there.
There is no "happily ever after" with an addict.
Eventually you will see it. I am hopeful of that and praying you do.
I understand your desire to retain the fairy tale.. married to a laywer with good money and the life style that goes with it.. but the fairy tale ending isn't there.
There is no "happily ever after" with an addict.
Eventually you will see it. I am hopeful of that and praying you do.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He already knows what you want. He is not a dummy. He knows what he needs to do, if he wants to get straight, he will, for him, not you. As selfish as addiction is, so is recovery. He is not good for you or the children until he makes up his mind to give up the drugs, and start a sound recovery program.
Even if he starts a program, there is no way to know if he will stick to it, and there should be no relationship for at least a year, a year of soberity, a year working a program, and not using.
He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not.
What are you trying to accomplish by all of this? What is your pay off?
I agree with OOAL,neither of you are willing to change. And, both of you are playing a game,one that your children will suffer for.
I can keep posting to you until the cows come in, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I too, wish you the best.
Even if he starts a program, there is no way to know if he will stick to it, and there should be no relationship for at least a year, a year of soberity, a year working a program, and not using.
He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not.
What are you trying to accomplish by all of this? What is your pay off?
I agree with OOAL,neither of you are willing to change. And, both of you are playing a game,one that your children will suffer for.
I can keep posting to you until the cows come in, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I too, wish you the best.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
hi everyone....i need your assistance...i cannot speak or contact my ah as you all know except if it is regards to the kids...so what i want to do is tell my lawyer what to tell him....my feelings...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get yourself a good therapist and tell them your feelings, they are schooled and qualified to help you work through them.
An active addict doesn't have the capacity to deal with or care about their own feelings let alone yours. Lawyers are there for money not feelings.
(I don't mean that mean either, it's just what I have experienced)
~~~~~~~~~~~
and what he needs to do to prove to me that he really wants to save this family....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trying to change someone requires them to lie.
If he wants to prove those things to you, he will do it on his own. He will want to do it.
he is still blaming me though and actually believes that it is ME that has all of the issues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If he is, it's because that's what you are allowing into your world. He is going to blame you if you let him.
What he believes are his issues, they become your issues when you make them your issues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, if he is in the middle of his addiction, maybe it just doesnt matter and he wont see that what he needs to do is concentrate on himself....as i quoted Dr. Phil before, I am giving him a "gift"--a choice to egt help for those of you who will tell me there is nothing we can do to get the addict to change...but we can "lift the bottom" a little so that they hit it sooner, as I feel should have happened in this case where he is no longer in our house, and is seperated from me and the kids...
anyway, I just wanted advice as to how i should word what i want my lawyer to tell him.....thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don' know your whole story, I do understand you wanting to help your husband, but just be careful you don't let his drug habit take you down with him.
Drugs are a powerful thing that can destroy people and everyone around them. The more you feed the addiction the more greedy it gets. You have to be on your game, your playing with fire.. If you don't know enough about addiction, learn more, you have kids, you don't have time to waste. You were put in an unfair position, but so were your kids, believe me they are watching and learning from everything they see.
Drugs used to scare the hell out of me, until I let someone convince me to try some meth to lose some weight. I almost let it kill me. The only thing that saved me was knowledge in the end. I learned everything I could about that drug. If I had not figured out what was going on, why my world was collapsing around me, I would have never made it. But it was me who saved myself, and of course I added things a good therapist, this board, etc. But just be careful where you are putting all your energy, focus and power, Make sure you are saving yourself first, or you will have nothing left for anyone else.
******{DW}}}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get yourself a good therapist and tell them your feelings, they are schooled and qualified to help you work through them.
An active addict doesn't have the capacity to deal with or care about their own feelings let alone yours. Lawyers are there for money not feelings.
(I don't mean that mean either, it's just what I have experienced)
~~~~~~~~~~~
and what he needs to do to prove to me that he really wants to save this family....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trying to change someone requires them to lie.
If he wants to prove those things to you, he will do it on his own. He will want to do it.
he is still blaming me though and actually believes that it is ME that has all of the issues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If he is, it's because that's what you are allowing into your world. He is going to blame you if you let him.
What he believes are his issues, they become your issues when you make them your issues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, if he is in the middle of his addiction, maybe it just doesnt matter and he wont see that what he needs to do is concentrate on himself....as i quoted Dr. Phil before, I am giving him a "gift"--a choice to egt help for those of you who will tell me there is nothing we can do to get the addict to change...but we can "lift the bottom" a little so that they hit it sooner, as I feel should have happened in this case where he is no longer in our house, and is seperated from me and the kids...
anyway, I just wanted advice as to how i should word what i want my lawyer to tell him.....thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don' know your whole story, I do understand you wanting to help your husband, but just be careful you don't let his drug habit take you down with him.
Drugs are a powerful thing that can destroy people and everyone around them. The more you feed the addiction the more greedy it gets. You have to be on your game, your playing with fire.. If you don't know enough about addiction, learn more, you have kids, you don't have time to waste. You were put in an unfair position, but so were your kids, believe me they are watching and learning from everything they see.
Drugs used to scare the hell out of me, until I let someone convince me to try some meth to lose some weight. I almost let it kill me. The only thing that saved me was knowledge in the end. I learned everything I could about that drug. If I had not figured out what was going on, why my world was collapsing around me, I would have never made it. But it was me who saved myself, and of course I added things a good therapist, this board, etc. But just be careful where you are putting all your energy, focus and power, Make sure you are saving yourself first, or you will have nothing left for anyone else.
******{DW}}}
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Drained ...It's hard to give up on a relationship, but you can see he's not stable by his emails to you. One minute your the best thing since fried rice ..an the next your crazy. Do you really want to be with a guy that does that? You'd never have anyway of knowing if he was telling you what you want to hear ..just to get what he wanted..or if he really meant what he was saying. Drugs or no drugs he sounds like a nut job.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Sorry...there is no "lifting the bottom".
You have no right to inform him what his bottom is or should be in your opinion. You have no idea what his bottom is.
Keep playing these games, and they will kill you. Maybe not in body, but definitely in spirit.
You have no right to inform him what his bottom is or should be in your opinion. You have no idea what his bottom is.
Keep playing these games, and they will kill you. Maybe not in body, but definitely in spirit.
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