please help..i want to get through to him
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
there is nothing we can do to get the addict to change...but we can "lift the bottom" a little so that they hit it sooner, as I feel should have happened in this case where he is no longer in our house, and is seperated from me and the kids...
how i should word what i want my lawyer to tell him.
how i should word what i want my lawyer to tell him.
What would bring you to your knees so that you say enough is enough would most likely be seen as resonable. What brings many who are dependant to a point of saying enough is enough is about 5 to 100 steps lower then what most people would think is reasonable. You can't raise a persons bottom.... You can only do what is best for you and many times people find that is what works best for the addict as well.
This is my plan....
This is where my life is heading...
To him...
this is your choice.... You can catch up or stay behind... the choice is your's.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
An Alanon slogan, Live and let live expresses well what recovery means.
Have a plan for your own life and children and let others do the same.
Holding on, not changing, wanting what you WANT rather than facing and accepting reality make for misery.
Have a plan for your own life and children and let others do the same.
Holding on, not changing, wanting what you WANT rather than facing and accepting reality make for misery.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Drained Wife...
You both can SAY what it is that you want... However it is your actions that you both are hearing... The actions are conflicting with the words...
Actions speak volumes over words...
He will continue his addict behaviour until he truly seeks recovery for himself.... Not for you or your family, but for himself...
You can try to manipulate him into doing what you want...get help for you and your children so you can be a family... but unless your husband is really ready face that he is an addict and that his life has become unmanageable, it just is not going to happen.
He is reading your actions, not your words, or your words via your attorney... The manipulation by him to get you to do what he wants has gone on for so long, he knows exactly what to say and do to get you to do anything...
Boundaries have been crossed so many times, that unless you really stick to what you are saying, he isn't going to change ...
And his change won't come easy or quickly... he will fight that tooth and nail... but the important thing is to stick to them.
The chaos will subside... and you will be able to breathe....
Please don't take offense to anything I have written... It is not meant to harm, just they are my experiences... and that is all I can do... Share my experiences, strength and hope...
You both can SAY what it is that you want... However it is your actions that you both are hearing... The actions are conflicting with the words...
Actions speak volumes over words...
He will continue his addict behaviour until he truly seeks recovery for himself.... Not for you or your family, but for himself...
You can try to manipulate him into doing what you want...get help for you and your children so you can be a family... but unless your husband is really ready face that he is an addict and that his life has become unmanageable, it just is not going to happen.
He is reading your actions, not your words, or your words via your attorney... The manipulation by him to get you to do what he wants has gone on for so long, he knows exactly what to say and do to get you to do anything...
Boundaries have been crossed so many times, that unless you really stick to what you are saying, he isn't going to change ...
And his change won't come easy or quickly... he will fight that tooth and nail... but the important thing is to stick to them.
The chaos will subside... and you will be able to breathe....
Please don't take offense to anything I have written... It is not meant to harm, just they are my experiences... and that is all I can do... Share my experiences, strength and hope...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Simpsonville, SC
Posts: 2
Drained,
As this group taught me a few months ago, you have to let go and move on. I kept wanting to "make" or "help" my agf change. Althought I was there for her the hole time helping her take care of her self. In reality I was allowing her to use and use more. If by som chance his lawyer would tell him what you really said, all it would do is give him the tools to mess with your head more. Now he would have all the right things to say to you. And in the end it will hurt more if he doesn't change. He already knows what you want. Now turn your back and walk away. If it is the same thing that he wants he will follow you, and when you 2 meet up again he would have made those changes already. Do not try to help him make the changes, it will consume you. It hurts to walk away, but it hurts more to be walked on.
As this group taught me a few months ago, you have to let go and move on. I kept wanting to "make" or "help" my agf change. Althought I was there for her the hole time helping her take care of her self. In reality I was allowing her to use and use more. If by som chance his lawyer would tell him what you really said, all it would do is give him the tools to mess with your head more. Now he would have all the right things to say to you. And in the end it will hurt more if he doesn't change. He already knows what you want. Now turn your back and walk away. If it is the same thing that he wants he will follow you, and when you 2 meet up again he would have made those changes already. Do not try to help him make the changes, it will consume you. It hurts to walk away, but it hurts more to be walked on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
Drained
My experience is pretty much the same as eveyrone here has experienced. I think there are some very good words here, and I agree with kaos because I have done the same thing.....tried to be there for my exagf. At one point I left her for 2 months and I hoped that running out of money, foreclosure notices coming on her house, and her having to sign up for welfare for herself and her daughter would have been a bottom. But that's what "I hoped" and not what was reality. They will say exactly what they know we need to hear, and because we love them, we will want to believe them, but every single word they say is said with one purpose: to manipulate those around them, and to get exactly what it is that they want. What we want, what we need, what our children need, is of no real true concern to them and won't be unless or until they see for themselves that they and their lives are completely out of control and unmanageable and they are willing to change it all. Drained, I will put you in my prayers.
My experience is pretty much the same as eveyrone here has experienced. I think there are some very good words here, and I agree with kaos because I have done the same thing.....tried to be there for my exagf. At one point I left her for 2 months and I hoped that running out of money, foreclosure notices coming on her house, and her having to sign up for welfare for herself and her daughter would have been a bottom. But that's what "I hoped" and not what was reality. They will say exactly what they know we need to hear, and because we love them, we will want to believe them, but every single word they say is said with one purpose: to manipulate those around them, and to get exactly what it is that they want. What we want, what we need, what our children need, is of no real true concern to them and won't be unless or until they see for themselves that they and their lives are completely out of control and unmanageable and they are willing to change it all. Drained, I will put you in my prayers.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
If I could change anything I did when I was in this madness with my husband it would be to have consintrated on my children instead of him. They are number 1! I do believe my oldest has some anger issues with me over it...they needed at least one parent and they didn't have either as I was so rapped up in saving my husband.
I really got a wake up call when a lady from victom services told me if I didn't get it together that she was going to be calling Social Services on me. I was so mad, but looking back at it I really don't blame her.
I really don't know why you went so far with everything and not even a week later you are back tracking....wasn't the main purpose of it was to get away from the chaos. You have have a lot of people go to bat for you and help you to get away from it....it is not going to be so easy next time, you can't cry wolf.
Rose
I really got a wake up call when a lady from victom services told me if I didn't get it together that she was going to be calling Social Services on me. I was so mad, but looking back at it I really don't blame her.
I really don't know why you went so far with everything and not even a week later you are back tracking....wasn't the main purpose of it was to get away from the chaos. You have have a lot of people go to bat for you and help you to get away from it....it is not going to be so easy next time, you can't cry wolf.
Rose
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