drainedwife

so yesterday and the day before my ah sent me flowers, told me he loved me in the emails which are supposed to only be about the kids...when he picked them up he said your beautiful...i love you ...he had the girls make posters for my mom and step dad visiting from FL....and then today i told my lawyer that he didnt deposit his check yet into the account, (he should have dep. it on monday)...and that he has withdrawn too much $$$ in the past 2 days. well, my lawyer was pretty threatening and of course ah did not like this,,so then he sends him another email about how my mental health is tearing this familly apart...and how i took out credit cards without his knowledge and charged $20,000 (not exactly) and how i wasnted a bigger addition to our house than he did, and we spent all this $$$ on it, blah, blah, blah...he said because i am being so addversarial that our marriage has no chance and so he wants to go forward with the divorce....oh--he also made comments about the "overnight Guests" in the house, and how the house is his too and he didnt approve them staying here and that he is paying for utilities and the food that they are eating and that he may seek monetary whatever from me and my parents???!! what the F***????? they are my parents!! he has always been like this when it comes to them...the projects the kids made that was all to get me on his good side....that was not genuine at all..the flowers, all his mushy talk,,,,,if he doesnt like my response to things than he retalitates.....he also said he would go for an evaluation and treatment if needed but after a month of proven sobriety, he should be allowed back in the house....what is a month?? big deal....a month...
hw says eveyone is telling him that there is no chance that we will get back together and that he is looking like the fool....well, who is he talking to? either his addict friends or his family who beleive all his lies and are in denial and know nothing at all about addiction.....the weird thing is that my ah is a lawye and you would thin he would know we can converse except about the kids--why would he tell my lawyer, "why is my wife going through you to take about the money" and "i asked my wife for the name of a dr. and she wouldnt give it to me"...so he obviously does not understand the FM RESTRAINTS...he is a lawyer, he should understand it better than most...there is no communication except emails about the kids...and oral only in emergent situations.....

anyway, i guess i should have expected this....he just will never get it..he will always blame me for everything..he canot take any responsibility..and there is never any talk about him intimidating me with his violent behavior....of course not....he is also threatening to petitiont he court that i need a psych. eval..and he keeps saying i am prolonging this so that i can stay in the marital house longer.....he doesnt care about the kids...if he did he would not take their home away from them..it is all about retaliation on me....

thanks for listening guys!!!

raerae6

"Oh Papa Tooney. We've got a Looney!" -Motormouth Maybelle from the film 'Hairspray'.

Flattery and other manipulation is so typical, but this man is off the chain!!!!
When one extreme doesn't get the desired result, he goes to the other.

I hope you have taken the steps to secure your $$. I'm just speechless. He didn't approve the parent's visit? Wha...t???

I just say protect yourself in any way possible. Financially and physically. Do you have an escape plan just in case he goes even more haywire??

Ann

Drained wife, what is "your" plan? How long do you want to continue feeling a victim of his behavior? Because you will be a victim as long as you allow him to victimize you by listening to his words, just words, that try to upset you and control your life.

You have rights, you have a lawyer, you have a restraining order in place to prevent him from having contact with you (which you continually allow him to break with no consequence).

He isn't going to change any time soon, and neither is your life going to change until YOU are the one to change it. He does not hold the key to your happiness, YOU do.

Wishing it were different will never make it so. Only your actions can make your life better, only your actions can stop the insanity and remove you from being the victim and allow you to become a survivor.

It's up to you.

Hugs

pjbs55

DW,
He is still trying to control you, don't talk to him about anything at this point. Don't go to the door when he picks up the girls. Let them go answer it and leave. Only answer emails that are about the girls. Leave everything else to the lawyer. Have your lawyer file a motion about the money not going into your account. He has to pay the bills. They are in his name too. If you can find a smaller place for you and the girls now, and move out of the house. Let your AH move in it, find something you can afford. But first speak to your lawyer, he is there to help you. Trust him, let him know what happen this week, and have him file whatever motion that needs to be made.
Please take care of you, I am very worried about what your AH will try or do next to you.
Hugs

Elana

I know how badly you want to believe he wants to make your marriage work and I know how bad you want to believe he wants to be clean. I understand wanting to believe this stuff.

However, he is showing you exactly what addicts do.

I am sorry because I know it hurts to wake up and smell the coffee.. and luckily you can (and have) cuz you are sober! He is an addict. he cannot.

That being said, you now have a choice.. go on believing the fairy tale will come true (him sober and loving and commtted and you living a nice life together as a family) or you can choose to move on, detach from the madness and take care of yourself and your kids.

Addicts are NOT reliable. You are relying on an addict to provide you with money (support for you and kids). I think you see how this may not happen. Fact is, he may end up on the street with no law license, no money and only his addiction. It has happened to a lot of people.. a long fall... Don't let him take you down with him!!!

Hard as it is, you need to plan your life as if he did not exist (nor his income). If he vanished tomorrow, what would you do (and I mean vnanished, not dead, so no life insurance money!).

You need to plan on your life based on your income, what you make and what that will support. That is going to mean a lot of changes.. and some of those changes may feel embarassing or a real step "down." It is OK. Really it is. It isn't easy but it is OK. It only means adjsutment and hard work.. and neither one of those things is deadly.

MeggieStar

Look.

I am going to be not so gentle here.

All you ever talk about is him.

All we ever read is run downs of what HE is doing, what HE is saying, how HE is treating you.

Here's the bunny slippers to the behind: Unless you ARE READY to change, and I mean REALLY change, your life will be the same. You might cave and let him come home. In any event, your kids are suffering for this and please, don't think they aren't.

It can take a looooong time for some people to "get it." Some people are very resistant to change. I was one of them for sure. But the longer you wait the more life you waste, in my experience.

You are WASTING TIME. You are looking for validation that HE is the bad one. I understand doing that, but understand that you don't really need that validation. You already know he is sick and he is acting horribly.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR YOU???

When you have kids, you only get a certain amount of time to whine and grovel. That's my opinion about myself as a mom. It's not about YOU or HIM, it's about the kids. What is best for the kids.

I am going to spell this out. Clearly, AH is crazy, misusing the emails, but YOU are buying right into it because it satisfys the sick part of you that craves the drama. When you are ready to put your own feelings to the side and think about the best interest of your FAMILY first, then your life will get better. And not ONE MINUTE before.

The reason I say this is because I have done the EXACT same things. I have felt and said the exact same way and the exact same words. I begged for validation, I played the game because it made me feel good, I kept it up and I put my child in danger and made his life a living hell.

I'm still a single mom after all.

I hope you understand.

Live

Please go to the bank, make the withdrawals before he does and open your own account. We all ready talked about this.
Ditto to all above.

drainedwife

he deposited his check yesterday. He had just gotten it on July 2....so i dont know why he had to wait to deposit it. he has never not paid the bills for us, i was getting worried because he was taking out too much money and he has no idea how much is in there.

anyway, i guess what i am struggling with is the fact that i still in some ways feel bad for him because he is obviously in the middle of his addiction or is mentally ill.
(or both)...he cant see what is reality, and that is sad. i have been with him for 20 years, and it is hard to turn your back, as i know you all can relate.

I have not been to enough meetings and i have not learned enough about taknig care of myself above all else, as you can see from my emails..
also, in regards to my income and what that can support--where i live, it cant support anything!!!! i dont want to make a million changes in my kidsa lives all at once that will be detrimental to them....(i.e., changing schools, mooving out of town, taking them away from their friends).....i need to make changes in my life, but they cant ahppen overnight...i need to really think about the best thing to do...do i get a better higher paying job right now?? (in my current state i dont know how i am going to do that ) OR do i try to get my teaching liscence and work as a substitute gaining experience as i do an on-lilne teaching program??? what other choices are there for me??? so many decisions, its not easy...

Truffles

Please take out the money and open your own account.

You never know what an addict will do when you least expect it.

My AH at the time - had a townhouse we sold, the money was in our account, he seem to be doing OK at the time. Then he went on a disappearing act. I went to the bank and took the money out and put it in my name. Now he will say it was the best thing I did - because he would have spent it. We also had $50,000 in a CD - I was going to take it out, but didn't - stupid mistake on my part!

When he was trying to get sober he had a ton of credit card debt. He took out a loan against the CD for $40,000. The amount of money that he has gone thru in the past 2 years makes me sick. I feel like he stole that money from me - and if I took it out at the time we would still have it.

He is now not using, we purchased a new house and he is working FT plus 2 PT jobs.

But I still have resentments over the money that was spent.

Please go to the bank and take the money out - open your own account. You never know what they will do. I honestly can't stress this enough - I wish I was smarter in the beginning and not trusting.

tropikgal2

I ditto MeggieStar. We are not trying to run you off with negativity, but there is a way to support yourself and your kids on $15.00/hour, even in Jax. Yeah, you're going to have to make some changes and so are your kids, but kids are resilient even though they are going to give a bunch of grief at first.
I guess this all boils down to you and what YOU are going to do. Not him.

Elana

You are likely going to have to live on what you make AND make some real life changes. You may have to move, change schools and all the rest AND go to school.

I have done plenty I don't WANT to do. It is easier NOT to do things for sure, but really, you do need to live within your means ( as if there were no $$ from "him.). Obviously that is not where you are living now.

People move, kids change schools, and friends stay friends if they are good friends even if they are 12 years old. Life goes on.

You will make new friends, your kids will make new friends, you will learn new living skills and life will go on. You are going to have to step out of YOUR comfort zone for your family and with your family.

You need to decide to do this and then do it.

BTW no one said it was EZ. However, ANYTHING WORTH DOING is NOT USUALLY EZ.

You can sit on the wheel and spin (think about decisions) or you can step off the wheel (make a decision) and enter life as a full participant with your kids. You can focus on being a victim of your Husbands addiction or you can choose to take care of yourself and your kids.

My Dad lost his job of 30 years when I was a kid. Mom had a job tthat did not pay a lot.

You know what I did? It was fall.. I got my hunting license and went out and shot a deer in season.. and that is what we ate. I helped cut wood to heat the house. I had a vegetable garde. My Brother and I raised chickens for food and eggs and sold the surplus. I went to work and paid rent and went to school and got good marks.. and eventually Dad got another job and life went on.

I was raised with with table linens and sterling flat ware. I spent time working for $10 an hour (or less) with a (yes, only one) plastic table cloth and plastic flat ware. I made it just fine. It wasn't ez.

I have lived in fine homes.. and I lived in a crack house in a bad neighborhood and I never used crack. The point is I made it and I am here today to tell the tale!

All these things added texture to my life and today I am fine. You can decide to be fine as well.

ncdeac

I honestly think you need to do whatever you can to get yourself financially indepedent as soon as possible. I know you don't want to make a bunch of changes right now, but sometimes life just isn't fair. If you can ever get yourself away from needing his financial support (which we have all told you at any time may disappear, after all he is an addict) then perhaps this seemingly unbreakable attachment you have to him will begin to ease. For now, and it's just for now, it doesn't have to be forever, focus on finding a job that will pay you enough to support your family. You probably won't be able to support in the manner you are all used to, but downsizing is not the end of the world. What is more important to you...having lots of material posessions, big houses, etc or peace and quiet for you and your children? Really think about it. I think you are at a very important cross roads right now.

duet_4-8

dw,
I don't have much to add....I posted my reply to your pm because your box is full. All I can say (again) is that I have been exactly where you are right now. I clung to the dream until the rope completely unraveled.

Our business-the place that I worked for the last 15 years and the thing that was our sole source of support-is gone. Completely gone because of my exah's choices. We had no savings, not one cent. I am 50 years old and I am starting over. My income is down 75%. NOT EXAGGERATING-75%!!!!

If I want to stay in our home with my son, then I am going to have to buy out his portion of the equity and pay the mortgage myself. He is making good money doing landscaping. He is drawing unemployment. Mine ran out a month ago. He is not giving me ANY child support. I am living on my half of the rental income from the building where our business used to be. I went back to school to finish my teaching degree so I could make a better life for us, but for now things are pretty tight.

Money and 'stuff' will not buy you or your kids happiness. It's a choice you make. Stay in the marriage (I use that term loosely) and have lots of money and lots of stuff but no peace. Or pick yourself up by the bootstraps, stop whining about the things he is doing and saying, accept reality and move on. And have some peace-which money cannot buy.

BigSis

(((DW)) I see that your thinking is evolving, you are brainstorming the "possibilities". That is a GOOD thing. I would urge you to try and scoot those meetings further up the priority list. And I can't even give you a good, concrete reason "why" you should do so. Just that I know from experience they help me with my thinking.

In my world, I was always planning outcomes. I often planned for "worst case" outcomes... heck, I was always in "emergency mode", and seldom truly living in the moment.

And you know what? It seldom made a difference. The outcome turned out to be whatever it was... and most of my energy spent "worrying and planning" was wasted.

I do believe that you are on the right path by considering the things you CAN do, and the possibilities that might exist. I was flabbergasted myself to discover I could teach basic computer classes and basic aerobics classes over at the community college (through the continuing education department). What a thing! Me, with nothing but a high school diploma. And the money wasn't bad, and I was able to fit those classes AROUND my fulltime job. I had no idea there were jobs like that available to someone like me.

Putting your needs "out there"... by praying, by asking for guidance - both from your HP and from your community (friends, relatives, meetings)... brings all sorts of information back. So much so, that it can be a bit overwhelming.

But I believe you will receive exactly what you need.

(((DW)))