liesagain

So ..............last week when my AH was missing in action the night of his release from the program and checkin to the 1/2 way house............well he said he wanted to go fishing with his "friends" in recovery..........he was drug tested by the 1/2 way house on return.......and according to his family he was clean ( as they were informed by the director there)

so since he was clean....despite the fact that he was lying and manipulating..........his mother decided to still send the deposit money for the 1/2 way house...............so he is there

hes suppose to find a job......but down there with no transportation hes having a hard time........having to ride the bus.....feels like a mooch a bum ...oh hes not happy and he wants us all to know..............I'm getting good at the.......you'll work it out line


But today I was told that his mother is trying to get him a car.............so he wont have to take a bus.....

This makes me angry.........I dont help so shes gonna..............plus isnt the point.......that he face and indure the displeasure of his actions?

Here he has a truck, a business and a family...............shouldnt he get humbled a bit.....to apprecieate what he does have?

She however says since hes clean and working on HIMSELF she will help him in any way sshe can.............

so am I wrong? Hes clean so I should help? To me, after last time it seems that clean or not..........he isn't working that hard or he wouldnt be lying, or spnding his time mad that life sucks in treatment............bus walking etc

But since he is still there that should say something..............\

I dont know I just dont think he needs a car and I think shes making it easier for him to screw up...........what do you guys think?

raerae6

Oh boo hoo he has to ride the bus!

I guess you can't control what his mom decides to do.

liesagain

no I cant but it pisses me off.

The bad thing is he and his mother dont even get along.........he barely tolerates her.......but when hes down shes right there............ready to help
Which is what most mothers would do.................but I dont know I just think shes making a mistake that may interfer with his recovery.............but hes responsible for that right?

atalose

How frustrating for you, sorry you are not only going through his recovery but her codependency as well.
I would think him having to take a bus and endure the hardship of not having a car would humble him, guess mom doesn't understand humble.
I don't blame you for feeling angry I'm sure it also feels like his mother is sabatoging his recovery. Have you tried talking with her like a heart to heart?

liesagain

thanks ..............yes
and so has his sister.
Thing is ................dad was abusive mom didnt really do much to stop it........and AH has lasting resentments.................
and under normal circumstances....he wants little to nothing to do with her..........so basically this "his time of need" is the only time he will be civil to her.............except the occassional holiday when I encourage it.........(codie me)
basically theres no telling her

and If I was doing as well as I should be ..........I should be able to say......not my problem.............so really
I need to be working on that....but this ugly side of me wants to flip out on her.........It wouldnt matter..........

greeteachday

It was difficult for me to learn that just like I couldn't cure my addict, I couldn't control her recovery either. "My way" would have included more meetings, more step work, more program focus...It helped me to realize if someone tried to control me and my recovery that way, I would be really annoyed.

I can understand your frustration, but I think perhaps it might be best to detach from the recovery too...Knowing what is going on step by step may just result in more anger and resentment. We all get there in our own way and in our own time. I hope that he does get there...Hugs

cinderellawkids

That is what kept my AH from working last 4 months (his story anyway) He was supposed to work this week, did a few days and not anymore.

Trust your gut liesagain.

I so wish I had listened to mine and to everyone here

liesagain

AH is in a city 3 1/2 hours from here.............where he went for treatment

Even when using hes always kept a job....then his own business....so him working isnt an issue.....hes just complaining about how much he hates not having transportation and how he feels like a bum or "a low life" and how this will interfer with him working while there

me I kinda think it may be good for him to feel this for a while...............but its not up to me.

His mom thinks if she gets him a car he'll stay and finish treatment so shes doing the best thing........I guess

but I cant direct his recovery any more than I can change how he or anyone else thinks.............So I have decided what will be will be ...........and I'm gonna try to leave it alone...........

Melanchonika

sadly, him having a car wont necessarily keep him in treatment. just like taking the bus wont kill his treatment, either. its all in the attitude and i find that family members dont realize its best to let the addicted person to do things for themselves so their self esteem goes up. does his mom actually think he wont finish his treatment if she doesnt send a car? if so, that says a lot about the both of them. i think as we go along this route of recovery, we become more discerning and insightful as to the manipulationms and excuses, though they arppear still very 'subtle' to family members/codependent people. we though have become sharper, but the family doesnt see it this way....they see us as being 'too hard' on the person trying to get help. but real help is letting them see they need to eradicate this beahvior, right from the get-go. it is such a huge part of their sickness. very underlying. i wish well-meaning people would see that they arent helping, they are really sabotaging, in an indirect manner. stick with your guns. it sounds to me you are very in touch with the reality of whats going on here. let them think you are insensitive; thats their problem.

parentrecovers

don't get involved - enough enabling already going on, it sounds like..

blessings, k

envision

It's hard enough to detach from the addict...but it's even harder to watch someone else enable them. I stopped completely giving my AD anything other than love...and I had to sit back and watch a boyfriend give her money, cars, drugs etc...jail finally brought it to an end recently..so I hear you...try though if you can to just take care of you and the heck with what anyone else does..you just have to answer for you...

gasolinegirl

Give it to God.......... ******{liesagain}}}}

hope213

i would leave it alone but it would aggriviate me also. ride the bus or walk is what i think, drive the car where? to find the drug dealer? just pray for him & them too.

patchoulli

He doesn't sound too well to me. Went fishing???Crying about taking the bus???At least there is a bus...You are absolutely right. His mom hasn't been thru the living hell you have...Stay well...Marian

BigSis

Sounds like you both are too involved in his stuff, actually.

Melanchonika has it nailed... having a car won't have any effect on his recovery, neither will being punished with not having a car have any effect on his recovery. The humbling has to come from within, we can't impose it upon them.

I know because I sure tried all this with both kids. Like his mom, I had to walk through it myself... and I was in a position that I was hearing about Alanon recovery every step of the way - and I still enabled my kids, until *I* had enough.

I clearly remember one of my daughter's addiction counselors YELLING at me because we got her another car. I had (what I thought) were good reasons... we live in the country, she couldn't get to school or work without a car.... all the stuff that we would do for a NORMAL kid. But she wasn't normal, and I really didn't realize that. She never went to school or to work...she just used the car for drugs. Today, it seems so CLEAR that giving her a car was the wrong choice... but I had to live it to learn it.

There were many things others told me to do over the years with my dry drunk husband, my addicted kids, and other issues... but one thing I've discovered in Alanon is that I really am a control freak people pleaser. It was really, really HARD for me to give up some of those actions. Over time, and with lots of Alanon, I am doing better.

If you have contact with the mom, you might suggest to her that she accompany you to a meeting. She might get something out of it, and may go if she is a caretaker like me. She will likely assume she is helping YOU out.

I wish you the best, Lies... this is a hard and painful path. (((hugs)))

liesagain

bigsis...................helping me out

Yesterday she told her daughter my sister in law that that was her concern and what she was trying to do..................so you hit that one on the head.

thanks