MY Addiction- just frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
MY Addiction- just frustrated
I know every other day I am posting about how frustrated I am.
I am aquiring new knowledge and tools that help me repair the part of me that addiction has essentially depleted. I find myself romancing the past alot. I also find that accepting personal responsibility for my happiness and my emotional state is not easy. I am constantly dipping in and out of self-pity. I am wishing that this whole thing would just speed up NOW and I would be able to be okay on my own and love myself.
With abf in rehab I have been focusing on myself alot- I really think it's possible that my perfectionism is crossing over into my recovery and I am expecting everything to be peaches and cream right now when it feels anything but.
I realize I am a whole, full person without him. I am trying to regain the power of my life back, but I find such odd emotions surfacing. Despite how bad things were, I still seem to miss him- miss his validation.
I know my feelings are not facts and that my "need" for him is essentially not real, although it feels that way to me. I have become addicted to someone and freeing myself is not an easy task. It's seriously safer for me to be incredibly angry and resentful- that way I do not find myself drifting into fantasyland every now and then.
I've been trying to accept who I am and where I am at. But when does the peace come?!!? I am having such a hard time letting go of the control and accepting my OWN control. Trying to battle my negative thoughts and turning them around to reveal rational thoughts. I just feel frustrated, that I want to feel better. I want to feel SURE that nothing he says or does can control my emotions.
I think I make progress but then if he calls I just feel so tounge-tied and anxious. Will it take practice? I do not know. Just venting.
I am aquiring new knowledge and tools that help me repair the part of me that addiction has essentially depleted. I find myself romancing the past alot. I also find that accepting personal responsibility for my happiness and my emotional state is not easy. I am constantly dipping in and out of self-pity. I am wishing that this whole thing would just speed up NOW and I would be able to be okay on my own and love myself.
With abf in rehab I have been focusing on myself alot- I really think it's possible that my perfectionism is crossing over into my recovery and I am expecting everything to be peaches and cream right now when it feels anything but.
I realize I am a whole, full person without him. I am trying to regain the power of my life back, but I find such odd emotions surfacing. Despite how bad things were, I still seem to miss him- miss his validation.
I know my feelings are not facts and that my "need" for him is essentially not real, although it feels that way to me. I have become addicted to someone and freeing myself is not an easy task. It's seriously safer for me to be incredibly angry and resentful- that way I do not find myself drifting into fantasyland every now and then.
I've been trying to accept who I am and where I am at. But when does the peace come?!!? I am having such a hard time letting go of the control and accepting my OWN control. Trying to battle my negative thoughts and turning them around to reveal rational thoughts. I just feel frustrated, that I want to feel better. I want to feel SURE that nothing he says or does can control my emotions.
I think I make progress but then if he calls I just feel so tounge-tied and anxious. Will it take practice? I do not know. Just venting.
Last edited by HKAngel24; 07-05-2007 at 06:56 AM.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It takes practice before we become comfortable with a new way of thinking, behaving and living...but it does come and when it does there is no looking back.
Just keep working on you, go to meetings if you can, maybe walk off some of that anxiety, and make a plan for yourself that includes special "you" time every day.
Focus on the good stuff and try to stay positive. When the negative slips in, or sadness, give it a time limit, work with it instead of letting it work you, and then make yourself think better and do better just for an hour until the sadness passes.
That's what worked for me. Baby steps still take us to where we are going.
Hugs
Just keep working on you, go to meetings if you can, maybe walk off some of that anxiety, and make a plan for yourself that includes special "you" time every day.
Focus on the good stuff and try to stay positive. When the negative slips in, or sadness, give it a time limit, work with it instead of letting it work you, and then make yourself think better and do better just for an hour until the sadness passes.
That's what worked for me. Baby steps still take us to where we are going.
Hugs
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Heather, My '' addiction " to my ex husband lasted 10 yrs. The things that helped me the most were:
1) Physical Distance, he jumped bail & went to another state.
2) Starting College, going to college full time kept me busy with my own life.
3) Started To Date, seeing someone else. I had something to compare.
I think the one that helped the most was the physical distance. My self esteem was so very low by the time I was ending my marriage that going to college did alot to repair it. Then dating someone else gave me someone to compare my ex with. My ex came up very short. It took me a while to get over him but now looking back it sure was the right thing to do. I had 2 children with him & tried everything to try & get him to be a good husband & father. You cannot change anyone else.
My ex is 62 now & after not hearing from him for 30+yrs he called me about 2 mts ago. When we were married I was only 18. He turned out to be a Compulsive Gambler. I ended it when I was 27. He is 2 yrs older than me. When he called he told me he went from gambling to drugs. He only got clean when he was 57yrs old.
I am very happy for him & for my 2 sons. He is now trying hard to be the father he never was. I remarried 10 yrs after ending my 1st marriage. We will be married 23 yrs in Nov & I have never been happier. If I had stayed with my 1st husband the past 30 yrs would have been horrid.
1) Physical Distance, he jumped bail & went to another state.
2) Starting College, going to college full time kept me busy with my own life.
3) Started To Date, seeing someone else. I had something to compare.
I think the one that helped the most was the physical distance. My self esteem was so very low by the time I was ending my marriage that going to college did alot to repair it. Then dating someone else gave me someone to compare my ex with. My ex came up very short. It took me a while to get over him but now looking back it sure was the right thing to do. I had 2 children with him & tried everything to try & get him to be a good husband & father. You cannot change anyone else.
My ex is 62 now & after not hearing from him for 30+yrs he called me about 2 mts ago. When we were married I was only 18. He turned out to be a Compulsive Gambler. I ended it when I was 27. He is 2 yrs older than me. When he called he told me he went from gambling to drugs. He only got clean when he was 57yrs old.
I am very happy for him & for my 2 sons. He is now trying hard to be the father he never was. I remarried 10 yrs after ending my 1st marriage. We will be married 23 yrs in Nov & I have never been happier. If I had stayed with my 1st husband the past 30 yrs would have been horrid.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all SO SO SO much for your responses.
Some days are up.
Some are down.
I am able to extract the illogical and distorted thoughts about him/us/our relationship - I can label them "irrational beliefs" but really FEELING that they are such is a whole other story. It's as if when we're all caught up in our addiction and the drama of our loved ones we begin seeing cars as cows or some other off the wall comparison that conveys how distorted we become.
Suddenly it becomes scary to think outside the box. I keep trying to bring myself BACK to reality. Romancing the past will NOT work- this is difficult because I keep reaching back into my memory of how wonderful a boyfriend he was for the majority of our relationship and how these past five months he became a monster. For whatever reason- I am a masochist and my mind graps the good memories and seems to downplay the bad ones.
I then have to remind myself of the rollarcoaster ride I endured that has lead me to be completely dissatisfied with my life and questioning who I am.
I gave complete control of my emotions to him and his disease- sooooooo not smart.
I am the over-anlayzer of the WORST kind- I think things to death. I'm trying to exercise thought stopping techniques. I really am trying to force myself into a new way of thinking so that I can begin a new way of living.
I am just beginning to see that I do not need to berate myself in my head so much and label everything in my environment "good" and "bad." I guess I just have to keep at it. Like the addict who says they will give everything they've got into recovery- I have to give everything I've got into MY recovery of my self-esteem and my life.
Some days are up.
Some are down.
I am able to extract the illogical and distorted thoughts about him/us/our relationship - I can label them "irrational beliefs" but really FEELING that they are such is a whole other story. It's as if when we're all caught up in our addiction and the drama of our loved ones we begin seeing cars as cows or some other off the wall comparison that conveys how distorted we become.
Suddenly it becomes scary to think outside the box. I keep trying to bring myself BACK to reality. Romancing the past will NOT work- this is difficult because I keep reaching back into my memory of how wonderful a boyfriend he was for the majority of our relationship and how these past five months he became a monster. For whatever reason- I am a masochist and my mind graps the good memories and seems to downplay the bad ones.
I then have to remind myself of the rollarcoaster ride I endured that has lead me to be completely dissatisfied with my life and questioning who I am.
I gave complete control of my emotions to him and his disease- sooooooo not smart.
I am the over-anlayzer of the WORST kind- I think things to death. I'm trying to exercise thought stopping techniques. I really am trying to force myself into a new way of thinking so that I can begin a new way of living.
I am just beginning to see that I do not need to berate myself in my head so much and label everything in my environment "good" and "bad." I guess I just have to keep at it. Like the addict who says they will give everything they've got into recovery- I have to give everything I've got into MY recovery of my self-esteem and my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Oh and I just thought about this --
For whatever reason I've always felt that I didn't deserve to set the standards for the relationship- to call the shots- I was always so scared of being abandon. Now I am trying to come to a new way of thinking about this - realizing that I need to have the courage to create my OWN rules and refuse to compromise them.
For whatever reason I've always felt that I didn't deserve to set the standards for the relationship- to call the shots- I was always so scared of being abandon. Now I am trying to come to a new way of thinking about this - realizing that I need to have the courage to create my OWN rules and refuse to compromise them.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It is easy to put the spotlight on the addict, but when we turn it on ourselves we find we are just as sick and need of recovery from own issues.
Letting go of your old ways is a process to eventually find strength. Let the next part of your life be joyous. All you can do is allow physical + emotional health be paramount during this time of transition, Whether you stay with ABF or not when he gets home from rehab Your process of transformation will succeed if you become proactive + willing to take full respons. for your share of the problems in your lives. It sounds like you are doing this. It takes time + work as you can see.
Letting go of your old ways is a process to eventually find strength. Let the next part of your life be joyous. All you can do is allow physical + emotional health be paramount during this time of transition, Whether you stay with ABF or not when he gets home from rehab Your process of transformation will succeed if you become proactive + willing to take full respons. for your share of the problems in your lives. It sounds like you are doing this. It takes time + work as you can see.
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