doneforsure

I knew she would because she just has no respect for anything or anyone. She Instant Messaged me last night and I certainly did not respond. (She's now blocked from my list of contacts) I considered calling the police and having her arrested for violating the TRO I have on her, but I think I'm going to wait until Tuesday when we go to court. If I have her arrested for it,I think it's only going to make matters worse. I really want her complaint to be dismissed next week. I took print screens and saved them as images in order to print out and bring with me to court to help make my case that the only reason she made a complaint and got a TRO on me in the first place is her way of getting back at me for leaving. Hopefully this will show the judge more of what her true character is and that I'm trying to be reasonable, but I will certainly bring what I have when I go. I found out last week that she has a long history of making harrassment complaints and getting TROs against her ex husband and then dropping them. This has been a very hard lesson, but a few good things have come out of it. I learned alot more about myself, my problems, and how I need to work on these things about me so that I never allow myself to try and rationalize or understand something that just isn't rational and end up letting my boundaries become sliding ones. I guess in the end, it's somehow better to understand why someone does what they do, but knowing why doesn't change that they do it, and I guess that goes for ourselves too, separating the addiction from the addict, the bad behavior from a person instead of seeing someone as just an addict or a bad person. Even though it doesn't change anything, somehow separating these things I think opens the door for forgiveness, which I don't believe is ever about the person being forgiven as much as it is about us not carrying around so much hatred and anger. How else can we forgive ourselves for our own bad behavior or bad decisions at times if we don't separate the two?

Ann

It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery, and your words inspire me this morning.

Hugs

atalose

what wonderful words of wisdom you have. I think you will come out of this relationship and do just fine.
As for her and the tro I'm confident the judge will see right through her. I'm sure he'll ask if she'd had any prior TRO's against her and if she lies you may want to shed the light of truth on it. The last thing a judge in cases like this wants to see is games being played, be honest about her contacting you via instant message and show him how serious you are in wanting to move on and away from her.
I had a friend who used TRO's to control and threaten her BF then she'd drop them and this happened over and over until one day she was in court and the judge lashed out at her and gave her BF a FRO and sent her on her merry way.
I'm sure you will do just fine in court doneforsure, when is the court date?

doneforsure

Thanks atalose. My court date is next Tuesday. exagf has used TROs herself against her ex husband to control him just as your friend has. No matter what happens next week, I'll deal with it, but I agree with you that judges probably see this stuff every single day and have little tolerance for it. The important thing to me is that after next week, there are absolutely no ties between us and I can move on. It's really such a sad thing that addiction ruins so much of what could be. I'm 42, was with my ex-wife for 14 years before I met Cindy, and I just never came up against such deception before, and never a drug addiction.

atalose

It's so difficult to understand addiction and all it brings with it. Like you I was married for almost 14 years then divorced. Dated for a while but not right away and not many people before I got involved with my BF who was in recovery and had been for 3 or 4 years. He showed me strength, courage and will. That all changed last year when I discovered he had hid steriod use for a few years from me along with pot smoking and by the time he was had worked his way up to taking pain pills it was too late and all to obvious something was very wrong. I felt so stupid for not knowing what had been going on. It did make me a stronger person and I see that in you. I hope that after next week your life is able to bring you peace and happiness.

doneforsure

I felt pretty stupid too atalose. It took 2 1/2 years before I realized what was really going on with Cindy and that she was using coke. I thought going through my divorce was the toughest thing I'd ever faced, but this experience illustrated a whole new facet of life to me. It's a painful one, but growing pains are right? I know I certainly grew a lot from my divorce and now in hindsight, although very tough at the time, it made me a better person when I stopped looking at what was right or wrong, and more at the why. I'm sure I'll be muddling through things for a while, but I've got my boy and I've got my job, and that's enough to keep me very busy. Thank you atalose.

atalose

I admire your positive outlook and I hope you keep that with you always. Your right most of what we have gone through involved growing pains and they do help you become a better person. Focus on your son and yourself and keeping busy is the key, time does heal all wombs. Keep us posted on what happens next week and more so on how YOU are doing.

bookmiser

(((((DoneForSure)))))


Thanks for the thread. It was inspiring this morning.
Your recovery is shining, Done. Keep it up!

hope213

sending prayers for you & her.you sound as if you are doing well in your recovery.let us know how court turns out.i am sure u will be fine,.

parentrecovers

thinking about you, done. your making good decisions, be proud - k

patchoulli

I went thru the same thing, not knowing about the drugs, just knowing the behavior was not quite right. Addiction is a master at deception and manipulation. I like what you said about getting rid of anger for our own sakes...Perfect...Marian

doneforsure

Thanks Marian. About the anger, wheew, I do have to remind myself a lot, because it starts to bubble through. I've also been angry with myself too at times, not only for not having seen it earlier, but for allowing myself to be in a place and tolerate or try to find a way to live with what? Verbal and emotional abuse! But then taking a step back, and confirming to myself that I did many of the things I have because I loved this woman and I loved her precious daughter, and in hindsight, it was a mistake, but that's ok, because from the mistakes there always something to bring to a future decision, something that hopefully will lead to my making a better decision for myself and for my son. I do want to say to everyone out here, that this site has helped so so much. It helps me, even though I don't post very much, but by reading everyday, it's an affirmation to the truth of the insanity, chaos, and drama that go along with addiction.

Not too long ago, while sitting in the therapists office, he said something to me that was so simple and made absolutely perfect sense, yet so vary hard to put into practice at times. He said to me that we have a choice, we have the power to decide if and how we react to something or someone, and that we will make better decisions for ourselves, if we think about the outcome beforehand, and whether our response or reaction, if any, will likely lead to the outcome we would like....i.e. why try to be rational with or rationalize with someone or something that is not rational? The hard part is in getting our feelings aligned with our thoughts Ray