Seeking your experience and knowledge
 

My exAH, who has moved back in with me and our two children, has been working a methadone maintancence program for four months and doing fairly well. He has identified one of his triggers is money, so he gives me his paycheck to hold onto and I give him money for gas and whatever he needs when he asks. My question is, do you think I should be doing this? Is this too hands on? Should I be letting him handle his own money and this responsibility?

I think you can do whatever works for you. I have read on the other forums that money is a big trigger for an addict. My husband is not an addict, but I handle all the finances and he gets an allowance. It works for us because he knows how important it is for my security to have the money. If you holding the money makes you both feel more secure, I see no reason why not. He is clean and that is what is important today. Hugs, Marle

Money was a trigger for my ex-abf, I did not control his money and at the end he blew his whole paycheck on drugs & alcohol, not paying me what he was supposed to.

So, it may not be a bad idea.

FYI, with my ex-hubbys, I always managed the money, they were not good at that, and, I was.

How do YOU feel about this? That's really what's important here.

GL

i think it is fine for you to handle the money.there are so many people out here than can not handle money.as long as he is asking you to be the money manager, i think it is fine. at least you know the bills r getting paid.i am glad he is going to a program.i wish you both the best. prayers,

I agree with Give Love on this one.

I managed my exah's paycheck thoughout our entire relationship. I didn't mind doing it before drugs hit. Once drugs hit, my exah stopped bringing his check home. When he found recovery, he asked me to start taking care of his money again. And I did it...but I did so grudgingly. I didn't want the responsiblity...It fed into the whole codie thing about 'controling' him and trying to 'fix' things for him. It was too easy for me to get dragged back into the chaos...even if it was just financial chaos and not drug-related anymore. Chaos was chaos and I didn't want anything to do with it after a while.

If you feel that you can do it and not feel that it will suck you into the role of babysitter/warden/super-spy, I say go for it. Lots of marriages have one person who handles the finances because its just easier that way. For me, it was a huge trigger for codependent behavior.

So...like GL, I ask, how do YOU feel about doing it?

I would go with the other. How do you feel about it?

Here I control all the money, but I see it as a financial security to my family more then a way of controlling him. RAH would like to have some control over it sometime but he always spend his entire allocation first day he has it on video games and restaurant. He just cannot manage it.

I have a question... whose idea was it for you to be the one to handle the money? If it was something he asked you to do to safeguard him, then I think there is nothing wrong with it because you are only supporting him in his efforts to avoid his triggers. But that's just my opinion

My husband and I are not addicts, but I handle the money bec. I am better at it.\In a relationship I think you utilize who has the strength in any given area. Your guy is being realistic and hoping to minimize further damage if he relapses. it sounds like a good plan.