patchoulli

Hey all. I am having a terrible time dealing with resentment. I find myself on the pity pot and don't like me this way. I work a 50 hour plus week and now I have the baby. He is just getting better from bronchitis and ear infection. He was home a week from daycare. His mom [my daughter], did come over every day so I could go to work. She is not drinking now[again], but lost her license until May as she was on probation when she left the baby home alone and went wandering. Alcohol was in her system,along with barbituates and speed[so much for not doing drugs], so her restricted license was pulled. I love my grandson and will do my best to give him what he deserves. I feel so much resentment towards my daughter, she can come and go as she pleases, doesn't have to worry about a sitter, can have a social life and the freedom to do what she wants...I don't have that anymore and I resent the heck out of her, I can barely look at her without anger. I have been praying a lot to get this feeling out of my heart and have been going to meetings when I can[difficult with a toddler but did make it to a meeting last nite]. Please give me some suggestions...Marian

hope213

((((marian)))) i know you love that baby but he is not yours.your daughter needs to take on the responsiablity of taking care of him. you need to have a heart to heart talk with her & just let her know that he is hers.it is not fair for you to be saddled down all the time.i can understand how you feel. if she does not take proper care of him get social services involved.as long as you let her use you like you do she will keep on doing it.enough is enough.i am saying a prayer for all of you.

Ann

I agree with Hope, Patch, and have had the same resentments when my son lived with me....even without a baby.

Time for some boundaries. Since you work and she is "free", she should be responsible not only for her child but also for housework, laundry, cooking and cleaning up...just like we are every day even when we are working.

What helped me (and my son) with this was to make up a list each day of what needed to be done. That eliminated guesswork and gave us a chance to "discuss" what responsibility meant...you live in my house, you share the responsibilities of keeping it clean and functional.

That baby is blessed to have you but you don't have to do it all. I too would make it clear that if she could not show responsibility that she would have to leave and children's services would be notified.

I know it sounds harsh and easier said than done. My prayers go out for all of you.

Hugs

dollydo

Marion,

I think resentment is a normal emotion, and, we all go through that phase. You are having to put your life on hold, because of her.

Know that you are doing a wonderful thing for your grandchild. My grandparents kept me for 7 years, from age 1 to 7, without their guidance, love and support in my formulative years, I doubt that I would have grown up to be a responsible, successful adult. They were my rock, and I still miss them today.

They were in their 60's when they took on the responsibility of a child, yet, they were the best parents any child could have. This act of love and kindness was done in a time when it it was not an everyday issue, we are talking over 50 years ago, at that time parents raised their children, not grandparents.

Later in life, they expressed their resentment towards my parents, but said they had forgiven them.

When I graduated from college, they were the proudest "parents" there, and said:

"We are so glad we took care of you, if not, we would not be standing here, we did the right thing".

Yes, they did, and I am forever grateful. I dedicate all my books to them, it is my way of thanking them, over and over again.

Try and look further into the future, know that your love and support for your grandchild is a necessity and you were called upon by a HP to do this.

Hugs,
Dolly

marle

I know it is hard, but try to remember how lucky you are that you have choices, that you are not saddled by the burden of addiction. You are free to give that child love, to have a job and a house and even though your time is limited, it is yours to do what you want with. Your daughter is missing so much and if she decides to get clean, she will have to deal with the damage she has done. You can hold your head up and know that you did the next right thing. That keeps me from having too much resentment, although I believe some resentment is always a part of dealing with an addict. Saying some prayers for you to find a way to forgive, but not to forget. Hugs, Marle

Elana

I agree with what is said here but you have left out some information. I know your daughter was living in a house she "rented" from you and you were going to sell that house? Where is she living? What privileges does she have in your house or is she living in your house?

If she is living with you.. but your post indicated she is not.. (she came every other day .. and yes I note the past tense.. when he was sick...).

I think you should examine the boundaries you have with your daughter and then find oens that you can live with to reduce your resentment? I dunno.. never had kids... just trying to help with ideas.

I do know that the baby is very lucky as Dolly has pointed out!

greeteachday

(((((Patch)))))...Good advice here...I'm so sorry you continue to face difficult times. I found I had to take baby steps with my boundaries...walk before I could run, so to speak...in order to build up to boundaries that really were beneficial for me. What little steps can you take to move some of her responsibilities back to her without jeopardizing the safety of your grandchild?

I wish I could come there and take the baby for a little bit so you could have some quiet time just for you. Yeah, I'd like to help you feel less tired and resentful, but I also selfishly would love some cuddly squishy hug time with a little one too

Hugs and prayers.

BigSis

Hi Patch... what a thing, eh?

The advice above me is good, and if that works for you - excellent. What I know about ME, is that I am not that far along in my recovery... yet.

Remember - this is just ME I am talking about here - but I don't think I could leave the baby with a mom who I can't trust. So I would probably be doing the daycare/work thing and taking off days when baby can't go to daycare... just like 20 years ago.

The resentment would be there IF I continued to view my daughter as a fully-funcitioning mom who was "choosing" to ignore her baby. It might help me to instead think of my daughter as a handicapped adult... one who doesn't get how it works. That does NOT mean I would allow her free reign in the house. In fact, I might even ask her to NOT live with me. But that instead of having the expectation that I am dealing with a "real" mom, I am instead dealing with a "handicapped" mom. One who (for whatever reason) just can't do the right things for baby.

The choices (for me) would be then to either keep the baby, or facilitate his being placed into a state foster care. I know what I can live with ... and I can't live with the idea of state foster care.

So I would be taking over the role of mom.


Is that "right"... maybe not. But it IS what I can live with.


Reducing my expectations in order to reduce my resentments and doing what I can live with.


And praying my fool head off ... every day.


(((Patchouli)))

cali

((((marian))))
I love what everyone said-and 2nd a lot of it.
I have been told that God will never bring us "to" what he can't bring us through.
I believe those words with all of my heart. This is a difficult chapter in your book.
Stay close with solid women that work a solid program.
I know we work different programs, but the principles are always the same.
Sending positive, warm thoughts your way.

atalose

It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter and work out compromises for both of you so that resentment can begin to clear. What about her watching her own child several nights a week so you have free time to yourself. Does your daughter work?

just for today

Hi Patch,

This is just my opinion, so take any of it that might help and leave the rest.......the others have offered you some good advise and I don't know the whole picture.....

First in my opinion anger is not aways a bad thing and you have every right to feel resentment......so feel your feelings and when you are calm....make a list of all the things that you are feeling resentment over, be specific and then set boundaries that will help you to accomplish a life that includes YOU and your needs......

I know that you love the child and he should be the top priority in this dance with your daughter.....he is the innocent and I may be not the one to say this, because I have very strong feelings about children being in the care of alcoholics/addicts, even recovering ones, until they have had sufficient time under there belt and have walked the walk, not just talked the talk.....however if you decide to care for the child, she should pay you child care, as he is ultimately her responsibility.......

I don't know if any of this helps.....you are in a tough spot and hopefully you can come to a solution that you can live with.....

Peace and prayers,

mjpaao

Hi Patch,
I am grandmother to 5 great kids. Imho, you have received such good advice from all sides here. The community of SR continues to amaze me.....I truly think you couldn't have gotten better answers, or thoughts to consider, anywhere.
Just wanted to wish you luck in whatever you decide, like the others have said, do what feels right for you, although I have a sneaking suspicion that I know what that will be from reading from your post.
BTW, it is truly sad that my ah has missed so much of their young lives that will never be replaced. But that's his loss, not mine.
Prayers are with you, Patch, kiss that little cutie of yours on the cheeekfor me!!

patchoulli

my daughter does not live with me...I don't think I could take that chaos. I hold the mortgage to her house and am getting it put in my name next week. I have her son who is the light of my life. Dealing with me and him is usually not a problem. The problem is when I deal with her. I cannot stand being around her, She is my daughter and I would like to say I love her but right now, I don't even feel that.I don't have resentment for the baby, He deserves the best I can do, just like my girls had. I keep repeating in my head"how can she do this?"...I already know the answer...read the stickies...Love Marian

outonalimb

(((((Marian)))))

Lots of great insight before me.

I haven't been left to raise a grandchild due to addiction...but I have been left to raise my son on my own. My sister, however, is raising her granddaughter due to her daughter's addiction. I admire and respect her so much for stepping in and providing this child with stability in her life. I'm sure my sister struggles with the same types of resentment. As a mom, I just cannot understand how a mother could abdicate her responsibilities as a parent. I don't think there is any greater proof of the destructive power of drugs. These types of situations drive home the fact that addiction is a DISEASE that disables the addict from doing the right thing. Its so sad...especially when children are involved.

I respect and admire your efforts where your grandchild is concerned. That child is so lucky to have someone in her corner that she can count on.

Loving hugs and strength to you...and hugs to your grandbaby too.

notsleepingwell

(((Marion)))

I totally know where you are coming from. As a single grandmother, with a life, everything got put on hold when I had to come home to raise my grandson who was 11 at the time. I had a lot of resentment at the time. And sometimes still do...lol.

But my daughter is taking baby steps to recovery, and when she told my grandson soon he would be living with her, he told me he doesn't want to leave me ....and my heart melted!!

This past year has been difficult for my grandson and I. Full of adjustments, (he told me I yell much more than his mother ever did), and believe me...it takes all I got not to yell back "where the hell is your mother?"... But we suck it up, and go on...and then the little buggers say something that just melt you into pudding.

I hate the city I'm in, hate my job, but now I'm buying a new house with a pool, cause I decided, since I'm stuck here...may as well suck it up and start to enjoy myself...lol.

P.S. I've even had 3 bouts with head lice this past year....was ready to scream....but my darling grandson, apologized over and over to me for getting lice and told me....he would never forget me picking the nits out. I assured him he wasn't his fault, and he told me his mom woulda yelled at him for getting the lice. I was teasing him and asked if he would pick lice outta my head when I'm in the home...and he assured me he would...lol. And the last bout of head lice my daughter was over and helped with laundry and picking nits. So at least it made me feel like we were making progress.

Yep, it's a long winding road we're on. With hills and valleys....but girlfriend...the view from the top of the hills....makes the valleys worth while

Said with love
NSW
Linda

patchoulli

I am doing better now. I havent seen her [daughter], in 2 days. I pray for her. I just feel so jangled when she is around me.I will not give Xander to her, she can't take care of herself. I'm not overwhelmed by him[well, not too much], Its her. I did set some new boundaries yesterday. She is not to come over here uninvited[she did yesterday, I told her to leave], I am going to limit visitation to 1-2 times a week[being around her makes me crazy because I am so disgusted], and I am not going to fall into the guilt pot["He's my life, I miss him, I just want him to know me}, crying the whole time. I was feeling so mixed up because her crying that I am trying to keep him away from her makes me so upset. I want him to know his mom, unfortunately my saying to her"you created this mess, You did this", is not sinking in. She truly sees herself as a victim...I don't see any victims here. Xander is fine, so is his grandma...Thanks everyone for understanding and being here...Marian

bookmiser

((((((Patch)))))))

Sorry I'm late, but had to comment.
Wow! Your situation resembles my sister's so much it's scary.
Her son is an addict who's been in and out of jail for years.
The woman he had a son with was also an addict.
In and out of jails, rehabs, shelters, ect.
My sister was going to lose her grandson to foster care when he was 2.
She now has custody and has raised him, as her grandson, for the last 3 years.
He knows his mom and dad are both sick and can't be with him.
The boy is on medication for ADHD and sees a counselor once a week.
Recently, my sister said that her son was released from jail and has only contacted her once. No mention of the boy. He just wanted her to know he was out.
She was furious that he has made no attempt to see or speak with Gage.
She has alot of pent up resentment toward her son and this woman, but continues to think that they are "able" to be parents to their son.
It's so sad.
She's been a blessing to Gage and has given him so much that I know his parents will probably never be able to give him.
I admire her for that, yet she's never been in recovery from codependency, and I have a hard time with that. The expectations that she still has that her son and his agf will recover and be stand up parents, makes me worry for her.
I have given her books, literature, and offered meetings.
Says she's too busy for meetings or has to work, but reads the stuff I give her.
It's not sinking in, though. I fear that if her son were to come knocking on her door, there he will stay.
Your grandson is so lucky to have you, and your resentment of his mom does seem justified. Maybe some time "away" from her will help.
Try to remember what addicts do, even when they're not using.
They're still addicts.
Praying for you, your grandson, and your daughter.
That she does the next right thing for her and for her son.
Love,
Linda

Grasshopper

My prayers are with you and your family.
I know that its really hard not to be resentful,but this is hurting you,and not going to change her at all.Praying for her as you are,will eventually,help you heal from these resentments.Knowing in your heart of hearts,that she is not well,and doesnt want to be this way,is healing,for you.

ladyjane

I understand exactly what your going through and especially the resentment. I resent my daughter alot for what she has done to her son. I also regret the lost freedom my husband and I deserve.
We're pretty poor excuses for a small boy to have to depend on. We're too old to run and play the way he deserves.
I also work 40-46 hrs a week and have to have a babysitter. My other two daughters help as much as possible and I thank God for them. He seems to be happy and loves his granny and poppy alot.