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Rules of Engagement / Guilt

Old 07-03-2007, 01:41 PM
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Question Rules of Engagement / Guilt

Having a family member with an addiction that seems to rapidly get worse has created a range of emotions from sadness to anger to guilt. What are the appropriate rules of engagement when dealing with an addict?
- If you're asked for $ for <fill in blank with random excuse>
- If they happen to "stop by" your house for <fill in blank with random reason>
- If you need to pick them up or drop them off <fill in blank with random location>

75% of the time, I want to say no to all/any request. 50% of the time, I say yes anyway. 100% I feel guilty for my response.
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Old 07-03-2007, 02:07 PM
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No
No
No

Guilt is a self imposed emotion. Have you been to any meetings? May help you.
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Old 07-03-2007, 02:33 PM
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Welcome, Roe2007. I notice that you are brand new to SR. I have no magic or formula answers for your questions, but wanted to let you know that reading the stickies at the top of the forum may be helpful. Reading Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More may guide you with answering your own questions.

Keep posting and read to learn about how to care for yourself. You may learn that saying an emphatic NO to the addict is best for him/her and for you.

G
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Old 07-03-2007, 03:00 PM
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(((((((Roe2007)))))))



I'm Linda. My 25 yo son is the addict in my life.
It took me entirely too long to leave the guilt behind and learn that No is a very loving word. I was starting to hate myself for doing things/giving to others, when I really just wanted to say nope.
Read around. The stickies up top, Melodie Beattie's, "Codependent, No More, book,
and start attending alanon/naranon meetings in your area.
You've come to a good place. Most of us here have been recovering awhile from codependency. So there's plenty of support, feedback, and a friendly shoulder.
Learning to take care of ourselves, is an effort we all strive to achieve. It takes time, but I know you'll get there. Practice your no's in the mirror. It's fun.
No explaination, just no. Your point gets across better that way.
Walking beside ya and sending hugs,
Linda
Searching for euphoria.
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:56 PM
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Like Nancy sez: "Just say NO"!!! as many times as you need to! And dont' make excuses for it either. You can say what i used to say as a child "I don't wanna, and I'm not gonna, cuz I don't haffta!!"
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Old 07-03-2007, 06:12 PM
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Thanks for the advice everyone! I feel less guilty already. I even practiced saying no a few hours ago. The guilt is the worse when there are enablers nearby to say things like "when you love someone you should <fill in the blank>, not turn your back". Folks will make you feel like if you woke up in a clean, safe, healthy environment, you should be ashamed of yourself for not giving <the addict> $5 for <random excuse>.

LMAO @ "I don't wanna, and I'm not gonna, cuz I don't haffta!!"

Next, I'm using that one for sure.
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Old 07-04-2007, 01:26 AM
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If I did not get No, NO, NO, i would still be in active addiction!
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Old 07-04-2007, 04:19 AM
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welcome to S.R. it sounds as if you going to catch on real quick to our recovery program. my addict is my son.it took baby steps for me to be able to let go of him & turn him over to God.since i have done this MY life has gotten so much better. we do not have to give in to our addicts.we have the choice to say no & to do nothing just like they have to choice to use or stay clean.keep coming back.there is alot of info here & a lot of caring people that will help you walk thru this.prayers for u & your addict.
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Old 07-04-2007, 04:43 AM
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A recovering addict named Jon who founded this site and wrote "What Addicts Do" on the stickies at the top of this forum...once told me that I could "love my son right into the grave" by enabling him and allowing guilt to affect my judgment.

He was absolutely right and I have never forgotten his words.

Loving our addict means saying "no" and allowing them to learn their own lessons and take responsibility for their actions and pay the consequences if necessary. Don't rob them of the opportunity to learn.

And welcome, I'm glad you joined us and am happy to have you walk with us on this journey.

Hugs
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Old 07-04-2007, 04:46 AM
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I agree with all the others. Saying no is not always easy, but it is the right answer. Hugs and Welcome. Marle
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Old 07-04-2007, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by roe2007 View Post
The guilt is the worse when there are enablers nearby to say things like "when you love someone you should <fill in the blank>, not turn your back".
The single most loving thing you can do for an addict is hand their choices, the consequences of those choices, and the responsibilty for their own life back to them. What other people think about you for doing that is not important.

Welcome to SR!!
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Old 07-04-2007, 03:19 PM
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A family setting boundaries is not "turning their backs on" the addict. It takes FAR more strength, courage and conviction to HELP our addicted loved ones by refusing to HELP them kill themselves than it does to keep feeding the demon that is destroying them and us as well in the process.
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