I have been here before...
 

I can't for the life of me remember the user name that I had and this is a new forum so it has been a long time....

My ex-husband is an addict,my family is full of addicts, alcoholics and of course co-dependents. I am a codie that is for sure. I was with ex-hubby for 9 years and it was hell most of the time. He was in and out of rehab, jail and my life. The funny thing is that I had to go through all of that just to come the conclusion that I am the problem. I now know that I am a codie to the core, I just finished reading Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependant...wow this is me all the way every last thing....I had never thought that I was the problem nope ex-hubby had the problem, my father had the problem....I was just the poor thing that had to deal with and clean up the messes that they created...well I have learned that I am the problem it is my denial, my low self-esteem, my patterns...that is the real problem for me! I am not saying that the addicts & alcoholic in my life are not at fault yeah they sure are for their own actions....but I was not made to do anything I made the choice to try and fix their issues..non of my business.

Yeah it has taken me to the ripe ol' age of 37 to figure this out but better late then never...right? I have recently given up on my ex and what do I do well I go find another guy that is an addict...ok this woke me up to the fact they I find them I make them dependent on me and then demand that they change to suit me?! WTH was I thinking? I don't know.

So I am here begging for advice on how to do this? I go ala-non & naranon but I need some input here from those of you that have been there.

Your alanon friends might say you have a broken "picker". :) Many of us do.

So.. are you still in that relationship? Or is it another in the past?

Are you working the steps with a sponsor? If not, my first suggestion would be to get a sponsor and do that footwork. Going through those steps - mostly writing and talking - helped me become clear about who I was and how I was so much like so many others.

...and not nearly as "unique" as I once thought.

I also attend "book study" meetings. These can be eye-opening. AA or Alanon... I've loved them all. You might be surprised (or not!) again by all the similarities.

I wish you well.

So many of us women, think we cannot live without a man, that we are not complete and without value if we don't have a man to love.

To me, that is not the truth, yes, it's nice to have a "good" man in our lives, but, our world should not revolve around them, our lives need to revolve around us first. We can have fullfilling happy lives without being all gaga over a man.

If you are still in a bad relationship, give it up, spend some quality time with you. Work on you, so you do not make the same mistake again.

Make your past a guidepost, not a hitching post.

Well I have been attending Alanon on and off for years but I do need to find a sponsor and really work the steps as I should I know them but have not worked them...I always saw if as if I was on the outside looking in.

I am trying to end the relationship with my ex-hubby....he just keeps coming back...hum..why is that well because I did everything and even took the blame for things that I didn't do...he is in jail and every time he is their he "loves" me again and wants to put things back together but I have sent his letters back to him "return to sender" I know that he will keep trying and why wouldn't he? He doesn't want to lose his meal ticket and his punching bag. I have been "helping" the other guy (taking over his life to fix it because he is just not grown enough to do that for himself)....when I realized that I was the problem so no relationship with him is happening anytime soon if ever...he understands and is a recovering addict himself so we are friends.

WOW...I am just in shock and need to work on this new development.

Maybe you need to have a new type of guy that you'll date. UM let's think about this. OH yea, one w/o a addiction problem. I picked a healthy guy finally at age 40. It is amazing to finally get in a place to be attracted to the healthy ones.

welcome.....i am glad you are back. we are all codies here & that is our problem. we sometimes think we don't deserve any better than what we get. i think we pick the wrong ones in order for us to feel better about ourselves but it is always the fact that they kick our self esteem right out of us.keep coming back,you deserve.there is so much info here & lots of people here right where you are.prayers, hope

I have always been attracted to addicts always. I look back and my first boyfriend in 7th grade turned out to be an addict and everyone since him was one as well.

My self-esteem is in the toilet and has been for years and years but now it is time to get it out of there and to work on my I made a commitment to myself yesterday and I am keeping it this time, this has taken far to long I need to "fix" me and stop worrying about everyone else.

I'm so glad you are back! I found that fixing me had to be the true focus for me...I had to live and breath it for awhile so my patterns of thinking would change and at times of stress I wouldn't instinctively go back to my old behaviors. Working steps and really being religious about meetings (sharing there helped me not to be detached from the process) helped me to put fixing me on that front burner. I remember reading somewhere that to teach a dog something, the action needed ot be repeated 50 times to become a skill. I suspect this old dog (me, not you...you are just a young pup!) needs more like a hundred times, lol.

Congratulations on making that commitment to you! You are well worth it and the benefits, I promise, are amazing! Hugs

When I finally have ex-ah out of my life I am now replacing him and his crap with someone else and their crap. I am trying really hard to make note of what I am doing to keep myself at a distance, yeah he needs help but I am not the one that can help him. My point to this is that even when I as a co-dependent finally move on without my addict that still am drawn to putting my focus and energies on someone else then to look at myself it doesn't matter who it is just as long as I don't have to focus on me it could be the kids, my job, the dogs anyone and anything as long as I didn't have to deal with me. Addicts & alcoholics use drugs and drinks, that is their addiction so that they don't have to deal with themselves. I as a co-dependent use the addicts or alcoholics so I don't have to deal with myself.

The question now is how do I find myself I have been buried for many years. I don't know what my likes or dislikes are I have for the past 20 years or so gone and done whatever my addict wanted to do, how sad is that? I don't even know myself. I have to say that I am curious about me just who am I? What do I like to do? What clothes do I want to wear? How will I react? I don't know right now but I am just at the start of this journey to find myself!

We have not met, so I will start by saying, "Hi!"

I will give you a small postivie:
I figured all this out at age 51... at least you are doing this a lot younger! :)

You start by taking small steps. No one discovers who they are in one leap. You think about one thing you really LIKE. Cats? Go to a Cat Show! Decorating? Go to a Home Show! Cooking? Take a class! Horses? Go toa horse show.

Do one small thing just for you and by yourself.
Before you do anything every day, look in the mirror and no matter how you feel, say to your reflection, "Good Morning Beautiful! I am so lucky to get to spend the day with YOU!" Takes awhile, but you will learn to believe it.

IMHO-We can experience release and then we work at attaining freedom. At least you know what the goal is. The process of transformation succeeds if we become proactive in 2 ways: 1st We musst become willing to take full respons. for out share of the problems in our lives and not see ourselves simply as victims. 2nd we must be willing to feel the pain of loss and grieve for those parts of our lives that we are leaving behind; which includes our fantasies of how life could have been different "if only" Facing loss is rarely easy which is why many of us resist change for so long. The end of a relationship feels like a death, even the ones that made us unhappy and held us back from growth + fullfillment. To move past we have to feel the sadness + loss and grieve fully fo what might have been and now never will be.
THEN we pick ourselves up move toward the unknown even when our fears surface.
The is a process of letting go to find value and strength in our vulnerability.Let the next part of our life be precious + joyous. Recreatinng the second half of our lives on our own terms by allowing physical + emotional health to be paramount during this time of transition will give us the gift of vision.