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his emails to me

Old 07-03-2007, 01:04 PM
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his emails to me

they are only supposed to be about the kids right now, but he ellaborated a little on that..he told me he wishes he could see me just for a minute and just maybe a hug?
also that "i looked cute in court and he just wanted to hold me"/
also he said that my mom, step dad and sister and myself could come down to his brother's shore house tomorrow and we dont have to talk.....i dont even think that is possible given the FM restraints......he also mentioned our rental house and how he had to put money into it to fix it up to sell, that we are getting alot of showings and people seem to like it..so that is good news.....

Nothing was mean or harassing...I feel bad for him, i really do,...but i also dont see any mention of any anger management or substance abuse evaluation..i did email him back saying that i hope is working on that....my lawyer told me i have to get that organized so that he can present it to him..and then if he agrees to the person, its a go.i am trying to find a qualified psychiatrist to do the evaluation. Its not easy to find someone. I havent gotten in touch with anyone yet.. im sure people are away due to the holiday as well.....

oh--about the money being withdrawled he did say it was for the fixing up of the house and now he wont need to take out any more than $400/wk. or maybe less than that.

I know i should probably just tell him that we need to keep the dialogue of the emails to be just about the kids right now...shouldnt i?? i feel my co-dependance at work here, finding it hard to do that..
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:20 PM
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DW
Don't talk to him about anything other than the girls. If he wants to know anything else he can get in touch with your lawyer. Not really sure he used the money to fix up the other house or not, but with an addict you don't know what to believe. He is trying to still control you and please don't let him do it. You have come so far and I don't want to see you go back to the way you were.
As far as going to the shore that is not a good idea, since you would be breaking the FM and the could hurt you later, him claiming you are unstable etc.
Something to think about.
Have a good day
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
...my lawyer told me i have to get that organized so that he can present it to him..and then if he agrees to the person, its a go.i am trying to find a qualified psychiatrist to do the evaluation
Now, here's where you keep losing me...
Why do YOU have to set up a therapist for him?

I really feel he has a right to chose his recovery, his method and the people he chooses to confide in. This is recovery...his...we're talking about, not an imposed sentence.
And I feel its a bit imposing of your attorney to expect you to do all this legwork.
JMO
(((Hugs)))
Cece
On another note...I would love to live on $400/week and be living at a parents to boot...sure beats weiners and pasta (in other words, don't get feeling TOO bad )
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Old 07-03-2007, 02:34 PM
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Don't you still have the RO....now you are both breaking it.
Print and turn his into your lawyer and don't respond to him.
You are going to dig yourself into a big hole!
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Old 07-03-2007, 02:40 PM
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It's up to him to seek his own therapist, why are you getting involved in this.

You have the RO, unless it is about your children, it's no contact.

As for even thinking about the shore, just erase that thought from your mind.

Don't fall for his malarky. he is trying to manipulate you, yet again.
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Old 07-03-2007, 02:54 PM
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I agree what everyone has said. Do not go to the shore, maybe it is me but I wouldn't trust him yet.

Do you know the money was spent on your rental property? Do you go by it or talk with the agent trying to sell it. We also had a rental property that we were trying to sell, it was an hour from our home. My AH told me he was going down to show it to some people, I kept trying to get him on the phone. I didn't hear from him until a day later. He had the intention of going to show it, but his addict girlfriend lived that way and he stopped in. I realized then that I needed to handle everything.

I would get the text messages and calls with him telling me how much he loved me and so on - within an hour he would be by the girlfriends house, she would use drugs with him.

I know you want to beleive what he says - but you always need to be a step ahead.
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Old 07-03-2007, 03:49 PM
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Drained, I'm afraid that I agree with the others here. You have a restraining order for a reason. You are breaking it as much as he is and if that's the case it will not be worth the paper it's written on.

He has refused to stick to the boundaries of only talking about the children. My thoughts are that he should correspond only through your lawyer.

Good grief, Drained, don't give him money for anything. If a bill for your rental needs paying, pay the bill directly if you must, but giving him money is buying him drugs and setting yourself up for more "emergency requests".

Hands Off the Addict! He is totally disrespecting you and your boundaries.

I know this is hard, but please don't keep feeding him encouragement which is what you do each time you accept an e-mail or a phone call.

Hugs
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Old 07-03-2007, 04:14 PM
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I agree with everyone else, stick to the girls. He'll pull the drifting away act, its normal, but truth is distance makes the heart grow fonder (if both people are taking care of themselves.) and in time if he gets treatment and you guys work on getting abck together the distance in emotional things and all the missing you stuff will be part of what makes it seem so much stronger.

We've all pulled the sorry for me act. (and wow $400 a week to fix up a rental house, that seems like a lot of work to me.)
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Old 07-03-2007, 04:15 PM
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I have only one thing to add to the above -- I still don't understand his access to the $$$ in the bank.

Am I to understand that he withdraws money from your account when he sees fit?

ARE YOU F#$%ING NUTS?

If he really has a RIGHT, as in a court order for the money, give it to him, as a check, or maybe a walmart card, but don't give him access to your account for crying out loud!

If I missed this detail I apologize. If not you need to change this situation, ASAP.
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:35 PM
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Drained,

My XABF, in violation of the restraining order in place, continued to email me. Same sh*t as your husband.

I answered him at first. He printed off my responses and took them to his lawyer and used my "kindness" (codependency) against me eventually. "See? She's talking to ME. "

You are walking on very, very, very thin ice.

It's your choice, but if you're willing to go somewhere with him at his point ("we don't have to talk" .....jeez what a FAT load of addict BS), after all that's happened, then you may as well drop this whole thing and just sentence yourself to living with a violent, self-centered addict for the rest of your life. And your kids' lives too...who will possibly grow up to be addicts themselves because they've now seen that addicts get everything they need by manipulation.

Sorry to be so mean-sounding and blunt but ------ you initiated all of this for a reason. Because your life was hell and your kids were in danger. Why would you even think about doing this, just because he "needs a hug" ? All about him, as usual. Has he made any progress? Is he finding his own therapist? Is he doing ANYTHING he said he would do?

Addict. Addict. Addict. He is an addict who will say whatever he needs to say right now in order to get YOU to do what he wants.

Do what you want -- but know that this is straight out of the addict handbook, word for word. "Chapter 4: What to do/say after they get a restraining order against you"

Been there, done that.
Hoping for the best for you,
GiveLove
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:40 PM
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let me explain

first--about the account--

it is written in the order that he deposits his check in our account and i use the funds to pay the bills...then he is allowed $400/wk. before yesterday, there was no order; from now on if he takes out more thatn that my lawyer will handle it. I also have to open up an account in my own name and put my checks in there, and take our money fromour joint account and also put it in that account to pay the bills.

about the emails--i ahvent brokedn the Ro..we can email now, but only about the kids...my emails have only been replies about them...also, i told him it was not a good idea to go to his brothers, the restraints dont even allow for that, and also i told him i hope he is getting the evaluation set up asap....i re-iterated that the emails need to only be about the kids.

about the rental house, you are right...he told me he is giving the worker cash---and he is a foreigner and does not wirte up bills--he works for his dad, and has done work for us before..i dont know if he gave him the money for the house, but i doubt it..his dad most likely put it out for us, and he proabbaly is using it for drugs...but of course, i have no proof....

about the evaluation...i agree with you guys thath i should not be organizing it..i didnt question mylawyer but i trust him and im sure he knows what he is doing. the ro states that it has to be done by someone we both approve of....again, the legwrok in getting it organized bothers me too----but i still trust my lawyer ....

thanks for all your concerns..please help me stay strong.....please!!
send me pm's if you have to , but dont let me go back whatever you do--dont let me slide!!!! (sorry for the pressure!!)
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:53 PM
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thanks for all your concerns..please help me stay strong.....please!!
send me pm's if you have to , but dont let me go back whatever you do--dont let me slide!!!! (sorry for the pressure!!)
I so know your feeling here. and you are dong so great. Everytime I slide I end up madder at myself, but with each set back we also come back stronger.

Just a thought, the reason youre getting the evaluation designated is so that the person is impartial. Im sure your husband has many connections and friends who have connections, and by you picking the person it eliminates that fear, we do that in legal work all the time and its not uncommon in family law.

Just one word of caution and Ive said it before, addicts are brilliant at passing evals with flying colors if they want to
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Old 07-03-2007, 05:59 PM
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You teach others how to treat you!

That's something I had to learn a loooong time ago. You model the behavior you want from the person by only allowing/acknowledging the behavior that you want to increase. Sooooo.... if he emails you about all these other things. Ignore that they were even written and write back only within the guidelines of what you want to hear back from him. So, if you want him to write you about your daughter's soccer game, talk to him about the soccer game.

With my xabf, it used to be alot of nonsense. He would call and go on and on forever about money and his family and how sad he was. I told him over and over again that I wasn't interested in hearing, but that never seemed to worked. It's the whole concept of reward vs. punishment. His motivation is to get you to talk/write to him. Reward him when he writes something that is within your boundaries. The best way to explain it, is if get a speeding ticket, for the next couple of days, you drive below the speed limit. After that, you begin to weigh the odds..... speeding vs. actually getting pulled over. Now, if someone followed you around all day and gave you a $100 for every mile you drove without speeding..... for sure you'd be waaaay below the speed limit! Punishment doesn't work, especially with addicts. Soooooooooo......... talking to him, scoulding him, etc. will not make the difference in the end. Like with my xabf.... all conversations are STRICTLY about our son. Anything else comes up and I immediately change the subject or end the conversation without ever acknowledging that he made the off-topic-statement. Anything within the limits and he gets a very positive, enthusiastic response. Needless to say.... we ONLY talk about our son now..... nothing else... ever!

Model the behavior you want. Reinforce the dialogue you want in the future by only responding to that dialogue. Ignore the rest!
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Old 07-03-2007, 06:30 PM
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Do not discuss anything beyond the barest of basics regarding the kids.

Such as child needs money for xyz.

Do NOT reply to anything else. It is all bait to set you up.

Do you really think Monday court changed him?

Go back...read all of your posts.

See the pattern?
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Old 07-03-2007, 06:46 PM
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I agree with everyone else. He is baiting you trying to set you up. Don't take that phony flattery....what a b*st*rd. GGgrrrr...that makes me mad!!
You've done everything right so far with setting up your own account etc. The faster this divorce goes the better off you'll be. No offense, but with everything you've posted here, your soon-to-be ex sounds like a real psycho creep.
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:22 PM
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FWIW remember he is trained to manipulate people by TRADE.
Try NOT answering any mail from him for 48 hours. Even mail about the kids can wait 48 hours. If it is an emergency his lawyer can call your lawyer who WILL call you.

Just try 48 hours NO response... and see what happens. Hell.. it's only 48 hours and it is merely silence you are offering.

Let us know what happens and how he reacts. I am willing to bet you will learn something. If my bet is wrong, then we all will learn something. Either way what is learned will be good.
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:28 PM
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Super idea Elana...just plain brilliant!
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:52 PM
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DW,
You can call me anytime night or day if you need someone to talk to. I was married to a lawyer and know the tricks they play. My son is my addict so I know the tricks they play. I hope I didnt sound to harsh but I just don't want you to slip and do anything you will regret later.
Have a good day tomorrow with your girls.
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Old 07-03-2007, 08:45 PM
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i am not slipping...but i dont think he is using "tricks" .
my mom and step dad are flying in tomorrow and he made a photo album and put on the cover, grandma and pop-pops trip to nj 2007.
i think he just really wants us to reconcile...and i also think he may be having mood swings...there may be some mental health issues here as well...one minute hes up the next hes down...

BELIEVE ME-- I am standing firm and i am not going to do anything to jeopardize how far ive come.....i am not ready for any reconciliation in any shape or form and HE is definatly NOT ready.....

dont worry, i am not caving.....

Pam---i didnt get a chance to call you....but i will!!!!
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Old 07-03-2007, 08:47 PM
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i know everything he does sounds pscho--heck if i didnt know him id be saying what you are saying....

but i believe either the drugs have really done something to his mental health or there are other mental health issues going on here.....

i feel sorry for him....he needs help.
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