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I am so frustrated and unsure of what to do

Old 07-03-2007, 08:24 AM
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I am so frustrated and unsure of what to do

All,
I left my agf and I thought the drama and chaos was finally over. I had found more wrappers with cocaine residue and rolled up dollar bills in the bedroom. She had stayed out all night, no note, no message and wouldn't answer her cell phone. I had decided that Friday night that I was leaving the next day. I left the wrappers and the bills on the kitchen table Saturday around noon because I wanted her to know the reason why I was leaving. Stupid me, I go to the convenience store to get a cup of coffeee, I come back, and the wrappers are gone and in its place a note telling me to get out, which like I said I was going to do anyway. Of course though, even without a word spoken between us, she decides to call the cops and lie to them, trying to get me arrested for domestic violence, telling them I threatened her and hit her. Grrrrrrrrrr. I can't take this nonsense anymore. It freakin kills me that a person could stoop so low. To make a long story short, the police did not arrest me. She called the police when I split up with her in February and at that time I gave the empty wrappers I had found. They didn't charge her with possession, stating there wasn't enough to even test. I was split up two months with her, and like a jackass, I go back to her believing her about it being done.
Well, the police arranged for me to come back the next day at 2PM to pick up my things, however, she called me in the morning demanding that I give her money, and that if I didn't, she was going to press charges against me for harrassment. I know that in court it would end up getting dismissed, but it's just the aggravation of having to take time off from work to deal with this total ridiculous nonsense. Needless to say, I didn't go there last Sunday. But it didn't stop there. About 4PM Sunday, she calls my mothers which is where I'm staying for now, to thank me for calling DYFS(Division of Family Youth and Services). I didn't answer the phone, but I didn't call them. She then states that she's coming down to my mothers, 50 miles away, and that when she gets there I better be there. I really didn't think she would show up, but 3 hours later there she is banging at the door. My mom was home and she was very upset. i answered the door and tried to tell her in between the f bombs that were coming out that I hadn't called them, but she made a huge scene and upset my mother so much that she came outside to tell agf that if she didn't leave, she would call the police. All the time her poor 9 year old daughter is sitting in the front seat of her van with tears just streaming down her face. My heart went out to her because I could only imagine how terrible that 100 mile trip must have been for her especially after the way her mother screeched away from my mothers house peeling rubber, and all with her mother on the suspended drivers list, taking huge risks.
I didn't call the police and neither did my mother, but 5 minutes later agf calls and leaves another message stating that she wants money for the bills and that if she doesn't get it from me, she'll go after my mother for it. She also asked my mother who does she think she is to call the cops on her. I feel so bad that I brought this freakin drama into my mothers's home, and honestly, if not for her, with having put every dollar of my earnings outside of my child support into my relationship and attempted life with my exagf, I would have been in pretty big trouble, at least for a couple weeks until payday. I make a very decent living, and I feel like such an idiot for spending more than 160,000 in the last 3 years because now it's all been such a big waste for me.
Two days go by, she sends me an email regarding her daughters cell phone. In April I started a family plan for my son and her daughter so that we could all talk to one another free, as the house phone wasn't being used anyway. She asked if I would wait a couple of weeks and to please not turn it off, and I was completely reasonable about it, telling her no problem. Lo and behold, 2 hours later I'm being served with a temporary restraining order for harrassment. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I was not about to take this laying down so I went to the courthouse and got one as well for her showing up and causing a scene. It just makes me so angry and frustrated that nowadays all it takes is a stupid lie and they're issued like candy in a candy store. I went to get one because I felt I had to protect myself, hoping that she would eventually be reasonable. I have had a business relationship with the rest of her family members as I work in IT and have supported the computers and network in their office as a result of my relationship with my agf, so I told her oldest brother that I would dismiss my complaint if she dismissed hers, that the relationship is over, that there was no point in this.
Yesterday I went to court and sat there for 9 hours only to have the hearing adjourned. To make matters even worse, agf's ex husband, a real winner 42000 in arrears on child support, shows up because child services contacted him after the police notified child services. I told him the same thing, and I told him that the only thing that will happen is that if she continues on, I'm going to have no choice but to bring up her drug use, which he too is aware of. I have a police report that states the empty bags were taken as evidence, as well as actual pictures I took when I found it. I don't want to get any deeper in this and just want her and her ex to just go away and leave me alone already. I hurt for her daughter, I wish I could do something, but it's not in my control to do anymore than I already have. I told her family, the police called child services, but I know that if she doesn't become more reasonable about this(an oxymoron when it comes to an addict), I have to protect myself and let the courts know about these things.

I guess I just need to vent because I don't want anger to eat me up anymore. I need to get back to the calmness that I found last week after finally finally finally realizing that not only has this not been good for me, but it's been very very very bad for me, and my son as well. I have apologized to my son and his mother for making such bad decisions that have hurt him. I wish I had listened to the many people who told me to walk away a year ago, but folks my heart wasn't ready even though my head was telling me otherwise. The last 2 months I have thought having made 300k+ in the last 3 years and not having much of anything to show for it, now being in the prime of my life at 42. I have made some very very bad decisions, and I know it's never too late to stop makiing those kinds of decisions, it's just that right now, today, I wish I could fast forward through the next few weeks and get beyond all of the drama that is yet to occur with court.

I'm tired, sad,depressed, lost today. Maybe a good night's sleep tonight will bring me out of it for at least tomorrow. My close friends advise me that if I truly love Kristen, my exagfs daughter, that I should do all I can to make sure child services gets the information they need, that she doesn't belong in that house now with her mother, which I know is true. But on the other hand, that will elicit retaliation from her and just continue the drama that has been in my life. Child services has had a less than shining reputation here in NJ, especially the last 3 years, and there have been many cases where children have been abused by foster parents and even killed after slipping through evaluation by DYFS.

As many of you recommend, I don't have to make a decision today. I've been used, lied to, decieved, like everyone here, and I'm trying real hard not to let anger persuade my decisions.

Thanks for letting me vent. I want all to know that coming here everyday, although I have rarely posted, I have read every single thread, and all of you are wonderful in providing the support that you do
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Old 07-03-2007, 08:49 AM
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Hi (((DFS))))
My heart just breaks for the children caught up in this madness. It just isn't fair.
But you have a good angle on things...time to step away.
I'm not sure what I would do or not do given the CYS situation, but the less you entertain the AGF with even the least bit of attention, the less time she will probably spend harrassing you.

I would stop all contact...and if she shows up again call the police. At some point someone will see the real problem at hand.

Prayers for peace
(((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 07-03-2007, 08:57 AM
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Thank you cece. I guess I really have to just focus on what is good for me, and what is good for my son, and just let go of Kristen. It's tough, tougher than my divorce was, because that little girl for 3 years would look for my arms for calmness and comfort. It's so damn hard to let a child go. I realize now that it was 9 year old Kristen that had the biggest hold on me. I went through this several months ago, where I thought I was doneforsure, but 2 months later I went back, wanting to believe that agf had hit bottom and would turn around. I guess time will help heal all wounds. I'm taking a hard look at my codependecy, Why I went back so many times when I shouldn't have.
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Old 07-03-2007, 09:09 AM
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Hi...I don't believe we've met which seems to be the case with others on the board these days. I don't post much lately...I mostly read.

Welcome...but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

My exAH was the addict in my life. His DOC was/is cocaine which progressed to crack addiction. I had the same issues before he became an "ex". My head wasn't meeting my heart. It took time for even my heart to finally meet somewhere in the middle before I was able to take the steps. I, too, thought about all of the money spent, all the days I wasted sitting home with him while he was high or sitting home waiting for him to come home. I look back and think about how ridiculous I was. But, you know, in the end, what's done is done. Hind sight is 20/20. You can't go back and change the past. At the time, you made your decisions for a good reason and whatever didn't work you've learned from. It's about what you do each day now for you.

As for the child services....she has family....so leave it up to her family to take care of matters, in my humble opinion. Looks like she is doing a good job of getting herself caught anyway.

Take care of you.
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Old 07-03-2007, 09:26 AM
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Thank you Cupicake, and you are right. She does have family. I'm trying to stay positive and just make it through today. I just called my ex-wife and arranged to spend the evening with my 9 year old son. Sometimes my son just being my son does more for me than anything. He can really make me laugh sometimes,(upset too with his newly found 9 year old attitude but nothing that taking the playstation away can't solve but I think a some quality time with him with a nice dinner and a movie tonight with him will help me shake this off, and make him happy too, because he has been really thrilled the last few days over the fact that my ex and her family and I have reached a point where we can share time with all of us together without going back to the past and do things like taking in a movie.

Thank you again and have a safe 4th of July
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Old 07-03-2007, 10:13 AM
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Done,

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. Sometimes it takes the most incredibly lousy events in order for our "heart to be in the right place" to leave. I wish it was easier to leave BEFORE the horrible drama, but...

I feel for you and your feelings for Kristen. Perhaps, if they are willing, you can sneak things through to her (notes, cards) through her family members. And if YOU are willing, perhaps you can express to her family that you are terribly worried about her and could they please check in on her often to make sure she's okay (will they?)

Aside from that, you unfortunately have to trust that she'll be okay.

Enjoy your time with your son -- help him to understand this situation, ask him for his thoughts on the matter (advice), make it clear to him that you won't be letting this kind of thing affect him ever again.

And then don't

Congratulations on finally freeing yourself from this parasitic relationship. Now you can concentrate on your own happiness, your son's, your mom's.

Hugs,
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Old 07-03-2007, 10:40 AM
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Thank you GL. I've been thinking about what you suggested in regards to Kristen, especially since my son, who sees her as a sister, and she sees him as a brother, asked me if he could call her. I have had that conversation with my son, and sometimes the innocent truth that our kids speak is amazing because they see the simplest truths sometimes more clearly. Not 3 weeks ago, he said to me on our ride home after picking him up from his moms, Daddy, I love Cindy, I love Kristen too, but if you're going to stay with her, stay with her for good, and if you're not, then break up with her for good.

I have apologized to him for allowing him to get hurt as well and that it was way past time for me to just get down to making life about him and myself. I think that when it comes to Kristen, I have to live with trusting that her extended family will take care of her. Unfortunately, even after 3 conversations with agf's mom who lives 3 houses away from her, grandma doesn't seem to be willing to admit that there is a drug problem there.

As hard as it is, I think that I'm going to have to cut all ties, including my business relationship with her family. agf does not make nearly enough money to pay her bills and keep her house floating(thus I realize I was a meal ticket and enabled her over and over even when we were not living together), and I'm sure things are going to get very very bad for her because I've seen it happen before when I split with her. When that happens, she becomes very very irrational,extremely nasty and, if I'm to start thinking more about what is good for me and good for my son, having contact with Kristen is only opening an avenue from agf to me, eventually allowing more drama in. I'm sure, like so many other times, she will look at me as the cause of her problems and look to retaliate in some way.
Honestly, I have my own problems to deal with too, for one, dealing with the reasons with a therapist as to why I stayed and went back as many times as I have. And although it won't take me a long time, I need to get my finances back in order and start planning my future and my son's future. It won't be long and he will be in college.
My son and I have talked about all this. Just a couple days ago he and I were riding in the car, he was listening to his IPOD, and he suddenly took the ear plugs out and said "This song reminds me of Cindy and Kristen and makes me sad". I told him again that I'm sorry for letting him get hurt like this, that I was sad too, that we would go have some fun ,and then he said he just won't listen to that song again.

I think I have to just let go. I know it's going to take time, and already after writing this post, I feel somewhat better. Reading the posts here, I get a reaffirmation and I appreciate all of you for taking the time for adding your thoughts.

Thank you so much
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:14 AM
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Sounds like you know what has to be done...I feel very bad for all of you; I hate what addiction does to people and I hope that Cindy finds a way to pick herself up and really commit to recovery. You are in my prayers and especially your son and Kristen. I think HP is watching Kristen closely. I know NJ DYFS has a bad rep at times, but like everyting, it depends on the person involved. They have many, many many caring caseworkers and if Cindy is on their radar, I think that is a good thing for the child. Thanks for giving your son the opportunity to express himself to you...I think when kids are allowed to talk and an adult will listen and just try to validate their feelings, it helps them move on. Hugs and prayers.
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:18 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You sound so strong and with a good direction to head towards. I think it’s so wise and heart warming you are turning towards your son to help both of you heal from this relationship. Your compassion for her daughter is commendable, but I agree, you need to cut all ties with her family. If her mother is in denial and no one else in the family steps up to face the reality of this situation then maybe her daughter will be better off with a foster family. I understand your concern here in NJ about that whole situation but let’s hope that enough light has been cast on child services that they do there jobs correctly from now on.
I think getting through the next few weeks will be hard and frustrating and of course drama filled but it’s only a few weeks then it will all be over. I also wouldn’t be too quick to de solve the restraining/protection order. Don’t use that as a bargaining chip with thoughts of an active addict actually listening and following rules of any kind especially if it’s her family or brother doing the negotiating on her part. I would allow the courts to decide that one. You’ll drop your part she’ll drop hers only for it all to begin again after her next drug binge or with her lack of funds, you’ll be her target for a while if you drop this order now. If you want the nightmare to be over, finally over then stick to your guns and do the right thing for YOU and YOUR son not what her family thinks is best for her.
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:37 AM
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Hello,

I just finished reading your story and the good replies you received, so I only would like to make a few suggestions......first now is the time to set your boundaries and no contact on your part would help you to deal and heal in the quiet, without the drama....second, please document everything.....record phone calls, save text messages or emails, make a journal with dates, times, etc. about her abuse (for example at your mom's house), include the times when her daughter was subjected to this behavior, also any arrests, treatment, etc......if CPS is indeed looking at her (and that would be a good thing), since your have been present for the last few years, they may very well call on you for verification, so do what you need to do to protect you and your son, documentation, documentation, documentation.....addicts can be very irrational and violent when they feel their control and meal ticket (sorry) slipping away......

The quality of our life is not dependent on the circumstances we encounter. The quality of our life is dependent on what we learn from the circumstances we encounter.

Peace,
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Old 07-03-2007, 11:53 AM
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Thanks atalose. The thing I'm very very concerned with is that I have friends who have had real horror stories to tell when it comes to FROs being given as easily as the TROs. I'm concerned about that because I know for sure that should we both be granted one, my career is definitely hurt by it. My attorney told me that in NJ here, FROs are granted almost 9 times out of 10, regardless of whether or not the judge decides the woman is lying. I have evidence, two nasty threatening messages from her, and I hate to involve my mother in this, but she is my only witness to her nastiness when she showed up at my mother's house. I do think that DYFS will keep her under their radar now a lot longer. AGFs ex husband is fully aware of everything. He actually showed up at the courthouse yesterday morning, and he pretty much told me that he went through the same thing with her for 8 years, that her mood swings came when she had been without cocaine for a few days, and that she is also on the radar of the local police. I feel very very stupid over the fact that it was more than 2 years before I knew she was using cocaine. I've never before become involved with someone with a drug addiction, and honestly, I always knew she was very emotional and had little self control, but she decided to stay on antidepressants(which I myself take) and for a while things seemed very promising. I feel even more stupid for having gone back this last time and believing her after two months of being apart and believing I was done, thus my doneforsure username


My Only reason for wanting to drop mine if she drops hers is to keep the possibility of one going on my record. It's already bad enough that there is a TRO, and my biggest concern is my mobility in terms of employment should I ever decide to leave the company I work for, or for some reason get caught in a cutback. I worked so hard to overcome many obstacles in the past 20 years, going from a butcher, to a union contruction worker, to many long hours down in my basement with books and computers in order to get into the computer field. But whatever will happen will happen, hopefully the judge who hears this will be a fair one.

Greet, thank you. you're right, especially about allowing our kids to express their feelings. It took me a long long time until I was 37 to understand that feelings, and my very own included, are not something to be supressed and pushed down. I used to be the type of guy who would think that if someone, especially my significant other, expressed feelings that I thought were irrational, that it was just ridiculous. I was so ignorant back then until I realized that a man is not someone who ignores feelings, but recognizes them for what they are...feelings. It has helped me in a lot of ways with the kids, because somehow I knew a lot of times(not all the time of course)what was bothering them. I guess part of that is because of how I grew up with an alcoholic parent, at least I understand that it's not uncommon for codependents to come from this kind of background.

I've made some big mistakes in regards to my son. I have shown him the wrong thing, and it doesn't matter how much I may say that it's wrong to take verbal abuse(which I explained to him as someone cursing at you), the only way he is really going to learn is by my setting the example for him. I have been slipping on the job as a dad when it comes to that part, but something I know I have to work hard on.

I just want to again thank everyone for your responses today. Today has been a down day, but no matter what happens next week, I know it's another step past this nonsense. Next time....I am going to stick to my boundaries strictly. First one is my son will not be involved in my personal life with a woman unless I know without doubt that I am walking down the aisle with her......and I will never ever again even consider any kind of relationship with anyone who says the words FU or f'ing anything. It's disrespect and this experience has taught me a lot, especially that disrespect and verbal abuse only escalates
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Old 07-03-2007, 12:36 PM
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Done - Wow what a ride you have been on. Its too bad that warning labels can't be temporarily placed on an intimate part of an addicts body warning of the screwball crap they will end up doing to us if we stay. Once they have been nice boys and girls for a very long time the tatto comes off. I hear you mentioning your financial contribution (so to speak) into her addiction and I can tell that you are bothered by it as it would me. Well I was the money donor for a time and it made me feel bad as well. I actually broke it off with xagf after about a year as I knew I could do better than this abusive addict and people here at SR showed me that it could continue for decades. My advice to you is forget about the money you wasted on her filthy habit and instead now concentrate on how you are going to make it up to youself. You state you make 100,000 a year, you are already doing better than most people, Like it or not. As far as the small child you have to make that choice but I think distance from her in every way is best. I would recommend that you change your numbers and moms if she does not stop calling. Do not discuss her with her family as they want her better and are in the middle too but YOU are trying to move on with your life without the burden that they still have to be bothered with, xagf. I went through this same crap as you are, I know what these women/men are capable of. Also keep in mind that you have rights too. Just because you got hooked up with a drug addict does not mean that she can ruin your life, that you should allow her too or that the police should be on her side because she is a woman. Most cops see this crap everyday and feel for your possition and would tell you to stay away from her and call if you need them. I think if you start spending as much time on yourself and your recovery as you have trying to be nice to xagf you will find yourself quickly gaining the strength that you need to get on with your life. My xagf was 39, mother of 2, lived together off an on, DOC was crack, coke but meth is now her new doc. Your xagf sounds like mine...it could be meth that she is on...makes people crazy...the hits last for 12 hours or days...its nasty. Take care of yourself and your family.

Last edited by Noah812; 07-03-2007 at 12:52 PM.
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:07 PM
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Thank you Noah. You are right. I can't dwell on what was lost. You're right too about the police. This last incident was the 2nd, and one of the officers who had shown up was involved the previous time. He spent quite some time talking to me, and I felt pretty embarrassed knowing that it was a bad decision to go back. He said to me what many others have said, that she will never change unless she wants to, obviously she doesn't want to, and that sticking around this nonsense will only bring me down with her and end up with me being charged with domestic violence because he sees it everyday when it comes to addicted women....there And he asked Why did I come back? You should have stayed gone. I agreed with him that it was a bad decision.

Yes Noah, your experience does sound very similar. Thank you for your advice. I know you are right about focusing. After next weeks court date, I will at least get some closure. I agree with staying away from Kristen and changing my numbers. I've already changed my cell, working on getting my work number changed as well, and I told her oldest brother with whom I have a business relationship today that I had to dissolve it. His position was business is business, and I understand that personal must be separated from business, but I told him that what's best for me is to end the arrangement.

Thank You
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Old 07-03-2007, 01:22 PM
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Done,

You are a wiser man now, a better father, a more astute businessperson, and a man more respectful of his own needs and wishes. Congratulations on surviving long enough to reach this spot. Protect yourself well from the anger and the madness of the coming days -- you deserve your own love and tenderness, for you are a good man and the world needs you whole.

And contrary to your original post's title, I think you are quite sure of what to do now.

Strength and hugs to you, to be able to get it done and move on to a better future.

Love,
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