I need your prayers... just had a huge revelation (sorry kinda whiny)
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I need your prayers... just had a huge revelation (sorry kinda whiny)
I just realized that I am no better than my sister, whom you all know I have been so angry with for so long... just because my drug of choice is nothing illegal does not make it any more okay.
I feel like all I have done today is eat, and eat, lie down for a little while, and eat some more. I posted a whole thread that was nothing more than a rant about this in the eating disorders thread... so I won't say it all again for the sake of those of you who read both as I do... but now I'm crying uncontrollably and can barely read through my tears to type. I feel like I'm never going to be healthy, like I have to be fat and miserable for the rest of my life, no options. It's not fair. I've always tried so hard to be the good girl..to live by the rules... and my sister is the one who is blonde and thin with blue eyes. Why could I not have been just a little more attractive with a little bit better metabolism? I am insulin resistant on top of being a food addict, so it's just a matter of time before I get diabetes. I know this, and I know that I can change things now, but it's so damn hard. So much harder than it should be. I don't even like myself when I eat. I pig out on things that are high carb, high fat, high sodium, and anything else bad you can think of. And then I get more depressed, which makes me feel like I need to eat more... I just can't stop! A few minutes ago, I was not even hungry, and I just felt like I needed to eat, and before I knew it I was eating half a bag of chips!
I want to do better, really I do. But I'm getting nowhere but dead fast... I'm already halfway dead inside.
Please remember me in your prayers!
I feel like all I have done today is eat, and eat, lie down for a little while, and eat some more. I posted a whole thread that was nothing more than a rant about this in the eating disorders thread... so I won't say it all again for the sake of those of you who read both as I do... but now I'm crying uncontrollably and can barely read through my tears to type. I feel like I'm never going to be healthy, like I have to be fat and miserable for the rest of my life, no options. It's not fair. I've always tried so hard to be the good girl..to live by the rules... and my sister is the one who is blonde and thin with blue eyes. Why could I not have been just a little more attractive with a little bit better metabolism? I am insulin resistant on top of being a food addict, so it's just a matter of time before I get diabetes. I know this, and I know that I can change things now, but it's so damn hard. So much harder than it should be. I don't even like myself when I eat. I pig out on things that are high carb, high fat, high sodium, and anything else bad you can think of. And then I get more depressed, which makes me feel like I need to eat more... I just can't stop! A few minutes ago, I was not even hungry, and I just felt like I needed to eat, and before I knew it I was eating half a bag of chips!
I want to do better, really I do. But I'm getting nowhere but dead fast... I'm already halfway dead inside.
Please remember me in your prayers!
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Join Date: May 2007
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ladyamalthea, oh honey, wipe your eyes. i feel for you.
I don't exactly know what to say to help you feel better. Why do you think blonde hair and blue eyes are so important? Those are my LEAST favorite hair and eye colors! (no offence to anyone!).
I don't know if this will give you any comfort, but a person's looks don't have everything to do with how good thier lives are. I have two sisters and they have always had difficulty controlling their weight. I have mostly been able to eat whatever and not gain too much. They always envied that about me.
BUT- their lives are much more what I wish mine was like. They are much more financially secure. They have great children, they own homes, they have super outgoing personalities and are so funny. They were always so popular. I have always been shy and ackward.
They are so together and I am such a screwball. They have always had their lives together pretty well and i am only now in *middle age* trying to get serious with myself.
I guess i'm trying to say that being thin does not guarantee happiness.
I'm slowly killing myself with my cig smoking. I know i need to stop, but it is hard to do. Try not to beat yourself up too much, try dust yourself off and take a few deep breaths. If you need to lose some weight for your health, well-tomorrow's another day to start over!!
Keep your head up girl!!! All is not lost!
(((((hugs))))
Lisarae
I don't exactly know what to say to help you feel better. Why do you think blonde hair and blue eyes are so important? Those are my LEAST favorite hair and eye colors! (no offence to anyone!).
I don't know if this will give you any comfort, but a person's looks don't have everything to do with how good thier lives are. I have two sisters and they have always had difficulty controlling their weight. I have mostly been able to eat whatever and not gain too much. They always envied that about me.
BUT- their lives are much more what I wish mine was like. They are much more financially secure. They have great children, they own homes, they have super outgoing personalities and are so funny. They were always so popular. I have always been shy and ackward.
They are so together and I am such a screwball. They have always had their lives together pretty well and i am only now in *middle age* trying to get serious with myself.
I guess i'm trying to say that being thin does not guarantee happiness.
I'm slowly killing myself with my cig smoking. I know i need to stop, but it is hard to do. Try not to beat yourself up too much, try dust yourself off and take a few deep breaths. If you need to lose some weight for your health, well-tomorrow's another day to start over!!
Keep your head up girl!!! All is not lost!
(((((hugs))))
Lisarae
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It's not so much that she has the blonde hair and blue eyes, it's those combined with the fact that she is very thin. When we're together, no one thinks we are sisters. I have always felt like she was prettier than me, and now that she's in rehab, I promised myself I would use that time to take care of myself too. She gets out in one week and I have done jack squat to make progress with my weight.
Geez, I wish there was rehab for people with food addictions.
Geez, I wish there was rehab for people with food addictions.
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Join Date: May 2007
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You don't need to compare yourself with your sister. Or anyone else. You are two different people. Is your sister so perfect that she is the gold standard of a human being-beautywise or whatever? No, no one is.
I also dissapoint myself regularily because I have a severe problem with prioritizing, self-motivation, procrastination...I screw up-I beat myself up for it for a while-then I try and figure out what went wrong and why-and I try again. and again...and so on....
That's all we can do, is keep trying to accomplish our goals. And learn about ourselves in the process.
I also dissapoint myself regularily because I have a severe problem with prioritizing, self-motivation, procrastination...I screw up-I beat myself up for it for a while-then I try and figure out what went wrong and why-and I try again. and again...and so on....
That's all we can do, is keep trying to accomplish our goals. And learn about ourselves in the process.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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I have battled with food and body image my whole life. I know how badly it can make you feel when you don't like the way you look. My daughter, who is my addict, also is bulimic. Now she just binge eats and has gained a lot of weight in addition to the heroin addiction. Binge eating is an eating disorder and maybe it is not something you can do on your own. You need to find out what that "hole in your soul" is that makes you want to fill it with food. There are self help groups like Overeaters Anonymous that could help you. You might also try to see a counselor that specializes in EDs. There is help for you. You don't have to continue to suffer. Depression and EDs go together. I will say a prayer for you. And please don't beat yourself up because many, many people have the same problem that you do. Hugs, Marle
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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Everyone has some degree(s) of sorrow, self depreciation or feelings of insecurity.
One theory about why people allow themselves to be overweight is so they can protect themselves from the pain of living. A layer of fat can act as a buffer, a force field protective zone.
If you are sensative, bruised & wounded on the inside you need a protective layer around you.
Perhaps, by focusing on your sister, it allows you to not focus on yourself, another buffer of sorts.
We each are special, we all look differently, that was God's plan, individuality.
You can make yourself look different on the outside by dieting and exercising, but, the root of the issue lies somewhere deep inside you, and, that must be addressed.
There are many great self help books out there, go to the library, see what you can find. Knowledge is power. I am not a die hard Dr Phil fan, but, he does have some great books that address this very issue.
Eating disorders are a symptom of something else, just as drug addiction is.
Map out a plan, a life plan, set your goals, take one small step at a time, you have to walk before you can run.
Don't compare yourself to anyone else, be you, be proud of you, you are special!
One theory about why people allow themselves to be overweight is so they can protect themselves from the pain of living. A layer of fat can act as a buffer, a force field protective zone.
If you are sensative, bruised & wounded on the inside you need a protective layer around you.
Perhaps, by focusing on your sister, it allows you to not focus on yourself, another buffer of sorts.
We each are special, we all look differently, that was God's plan, individuality.
You can make yourself look different on the outside by dieting and exercising, but, the root of the issue lies somewhere deep inside you, and, that must be addressed.
There are many great self help books out there, go to the library, see what you can find. Knowledge is power. I am not a die hard Dr Phil fan, but, he does have some great books that address this very issue.
Eating disorders are a symptom of something else, just as drug addiction is.
Map out a plan, a life plan, set your goals, take one small step at a time, you have to walk before you can run.
Don't compare yourself to anyone else, be you, be proud of you, you are special!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Eating disorders are serious and need to be treated as such. There is help for you out there: meetings, counseling, etc. SOunds like you need counseling most because obviously you aren't eating because you are hungry, you are eating because you have emotional distress.
From your post it is obvious that you suffer from low self-esteem, you eat to "fill the hole in your soul" (as was said before), you gain weight, and thus the cycle is perpetuated.
I have a childhood friend who was anorexic in high school and was almost hospitalized due to it. From anorexia she progressed to cocaine addiction, beat that, then became a plastic surgery addict. As you can see, eating disorders can be a symptom of a much deeper problem.
Here is a ((HUG)) and hopes that you seek help.
From your post it is obvious that you suffer from low self-esteem, you eat to "fill the hole in your soul" (as was said before), you gain weight, and thus the cycle is perpetuated.
I have a childhood friend who was anorexic in high school and was almost hospitalized due to it. From anorexia she progressed to cocaine addiction, beat that, then became a plastic surgery addict. As you can see, eating disorders can be a symptom of a much deeper problem.
Here is a ((HUG)) and hopes that you seek help.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
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Dear you could almost be writing about me and my sister...she is the one who over eats I am the one who just eats normally. My family thinks I starve myself because I am of a normal weight.
I know my sister suffers so much it breaks my heart. She is very pretty and I am sure you are too. Blonde/blue is not the only thing beautiful...
One day my sister said to me "Oh you are really full of yourself aren't you" our eyes connected and we both had a moment of revelation...I have seen that she is outside of her body most of the time. She doesn't love her body so she seems to project herself out of her body most of the time. Yet as long as we live we are connected to our bodies even if by a thread.
I have found that my body is my possession it is the one possession of mine that I just can't do without it requires some maintenance: washing, feeding, sleep.
My sister does not seem to possess her body but she does have many possessions that she cherishes do you have a possession that you cherish? Can you see yourself cherishing your body in the same way you cherish other possessions? Your body wants to be full of you....
I will pray that you will Love your body be gentle with your body
I know my sister suffers so much it breaks my heart. She is very pretty and I am sure you are too. Blonde/blue is not the only thing beautiful...
One day my sister said to me "Oh you are really full of yourself aren't you" our eyes connected and we both had a moment of revelation...I have seen that she is outside of her body most of the time. She doesn't love her body so she seems to project herself out of her body most of the time. Yet as long as we live we are connected to our bodies even if by a thread.
I have found that my body is my possession it is the one possession of mine that I just can't do without it requires some maintenance: washing, feeding, sleep.
My sister does not seem to possess her body but she does have many possessions that she cherishes do you have a possession that you cherish? Can you see yourself cherishing your body in the same way you cherish other possessions? Your body wants to be full of you....
I will pray that you will Love your body be gentle with your body
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi sorry your hurting, i agree with the others, you are a beautiful person, first, your outward appearence does not define who you are, its the inner person that defines you in my opinion. i do understand how you feel though. i have not like my outward apperance most of my life. i've spent most of my yrs comparing myself to others who i thought were so much more beautiful than i am and i learned that it is so unfair to me for me to do that.. i've also done all i know to do to gain weight and for so many yrs i've taken all kinds of weight gaining stuff and suggestions, all to no avail. i'm like at the most normally weighting in at 95lbs sometimes less, i can wear childrem clothes which still sometimes don't fit good for a woman of 53.
i guess i had to learn to except me before i could learn to like me. i had to learn to ove me before i could be more determined to help myself be a happier person. i don't know maybe i'm just kind of rambling but i still know just how you are feeling and i will keep you and your sister in my prayers, try not to be so hard on yourself. i would gladly trade you a little skinny for a little fat if i could.
btw, i live in atl, too, glad to meet you neighbor
i guess i had to learn to except me before i could learn to like me. i had to learn to ove me before i could be more determined to help myself be a happier person. i don't know maybe i'm just kind of rambling but i still know just how you are feeling and i will keep you and your sister in my prayers, try not to be so hard on yourself. i would gladly trade you a little skinny for a little fat if i could.
btw, i live in atl, too, glad to meet you neighbor
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Have you ever picked up a copy of Martha Beck's book "The Four-Day Win" ?
It was probably the single most helpful thing I ever read that explained why I eat, and how to take tiny little miniature baby steps to getting better. I mean, seriously small steps (that's what the four-day thing is) that eventually added up and added up -- ALMOST EFFORTLESSLY -- and helped me build my self-esteem back up.
I'm no skinny minnie, mind you, but I realize that's never what I wanted anyway. Like you mentioned, it's always been about comparing myself to somebody (everybody) else. Taking control of that, a little at a time, changed my life.
Wishing you peace
GiveLove
It was probably the single most helpful thing I ever read that explained why I eat, and how to take tiny little miniature baby steps to getting better. I mean, seriously small steps (that's what the four-day thing is) that eventually added up and added up -- ALMOST EFFORTLESSLY -- and helped me build my self-esteem back up.
I'm no skinny minnie, mind you, but I realize that's never what I wanted anyway. Like you mentioned, it's always been about comparing myself to somebody (everybody) else. Taking control of that, a little at a time, changed my life.
Wishing you peace
GiveLove
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My boss, one of the most dynamic people I know, struggles with her weight.
I was one of those blessed with a decent metabolism, so I can't relate too much to her struggles.
A while back she made a comment that struck me:
While usually the first step in gaining control of any addiction is quitting...you just can't quit eating. Its one of the few addictions that require moderation, and we all know how easy that is for someone with a problem, huh?
There are many support groups that you may find very helpful. For many, power comes with support and the support comes from the others that understand.
Chin up and be willing to accept babysteps...you can do this!
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I was one of those blessed with a decent metabolism, so I can't relate too much to her struggles.
A while back she made a comment that struck me:
While usually the first step in gaining control of any addiction is quitting...you just can't quit eating. Its one of the few addictions that require moderation, and we all know how easy that is for someone with a problem, huh?
There are many support groups that you may find very helpful. For many, power comes with support and the support comes from the others that understand.
Chin up and be willing to accept babysteps...you can do this!
(((Hugs)))
Cece
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It's not a question of you are "no better than your sister" You both have an addiction. Does that make you or her bad? No...not at all. ANY addiction is NOT about lack of control or a moral defect. It is strong...it is soooo strong and just recognizing it and wanting to get help are very positive things. I hope that your realization will help in healing some of the anger you have with your sister.
Guilt and shame, low self esteem, low feelings of self worth...Yup, sounds like the types of feelings a drug addict goes through when he or she wants to quit but the pull of the drugs is too much.
"I know I can do this on my own if I just try hard enough" How many times have we heard our addicted love ones say that. Many of us laugh and ridicule...just a bunch of lies...Yet how many times have any of us with some addiction...cigarettes, food, work, etc. said I know I have the will power to do this on my own and we couldn't...Are we failures? No Are we liars? No Are we poor excuses for human beings? No. We sometimes just need help and if we get the help and commit ourselves to the process and truly CHOOOSE to recover and work it really hard, we can recover. And as we recover, we start feeling better about ourselves and the guilt and shame slowly evaporate...
I feel so strongly that the more loved ones of addicts can understand it is not about lack of love or willpower or lack of morals and find compassion instead of anger and ridicule, the more we can recover ourselves...because those negative feelings just make us sicker and sicker.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent because somehow I still think I can change people and make them find compassion for addicts...more work needed on my part! But I hope you can accept that food addiction like any other addiction is a serious medical condition and the "right" specialists can help you to help yourself as long as you are ready. You are a wonderful, wonderful person and you deserve all the best. You deserve to recover. Hugs and prayers.
Guilt and shame, low self esteem, low feelings of self worth...Yup, sounds like the types of feelings a drug addict goes through when he or she wants to quit but the pull of the drugs is too much.
"I know I can do this on my own if I just try hard enough" How many times have we heard our addicted love ones say that. Many of us laugh and ridicule...just a bunch of lies...Yet how many times have any of us with some addiction...cigarettes, food, work, etc. said I know I have the will power to do this on my own and we couldn't...Are we failures? No Are we liars? No Are we poor excuses for human beings? No. We sometimes just need help and if we get the help and commit ourselves to the process and truly CHOOOSE to recover and work it really hard, we can recover. And as we recover, we start feeling better about ourselves and the guilt and shame slowly evaporate...
I feel so strongly that the more loved ones of addicts can understand it is not about lack of love or willpower or lack of morals and find compassion instead of anger and ridicule, the more we can recover ourselves...because those negative feelings just make us sicker and sicker.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent because somehow I still think I can change people and make them find compassion for addicts...more work needed on my part! But I hope you can accept that food addiction like any other addiction is a serious medical condition and the "right" specialists can help you to help yourself as long as you are ready. You are a wonderful, wonderful person and you deserve all the best. You deserve to recover. Hugs and prayers.
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