I want to be free
 

I know I have not been a good SR member. I have only been posting about myself- to get my feelings out and have not been responding to a lot of posts. For this I am sorry.

Lately I have been so uncomfortable where I am at. I keep wanting to speed things up- to be able to get to a place where I have completely let go of trying to change another or even hoping that they change.
I do not put all my energy into it by any means, but the fact that there is even a sliver of me that still resists completely letting go bothers me.

Maybe I want to be much further along than I am in reality. I am not sure if it takes trial and error for one to remember to emotionally disengage themselves when they have encounters with the addict. Abf called me last night from rehab and our conversation was brief as I was getting cut off riding a train and service was going in and out. He asked me why I hadn't written which I did not really respond to. (I kicked myself later for not being more assertive)
I have so much anger/mixed feelings. After we got off hte phone- I felt very uncomfortable. The conversation stirred up feelings in me and I found myself dwelling on the meaning of his words.

I was able to bounce back to the "thinking about myself" and "Taking care of myself" thoughts much quicker, but it still brought a wave of sadness. I am trying to be patient with myself but it's frustrating.

I know that nothing changes if nothing changes and that if I do not put time and effort into changing myself than nothing in my world will change. I know that ONLY I can take back the power others have over my feelings. I guess I sort of expected the process to be more clean cut and less messy? I don't know...


Thanks for letting me share.

About 6 weeks into my XABF leaving I went thru similar. Dang.. just lets get all this OVER with.

This is about my HP having a different time schedule for me than I have. Fact is, we often argue about the time frame for my recovery cuz I wanna hurry this up will ya GEEZE!

I am not good with patience.. give me a horse to train or a cat to work with or a dog to teach things to and I can take as long as I need. Comes to me learning, growing or getting better, HA! Patience is out the window.

There was a thing about 4 year old's on line a long time ago. It had to do with rules of 4 year olds:

1.) It is mine. You can't have it.

2.) I want it NOW.

3.) It's BROOOOKEN.. but its still mine.

4.) OK, you can have it to fix it... NO. I CHANGED MY MIND! GIVE IT BACK TO ME NOW. YOU can't have it EVER.

5.) unless you fix it NOW before I wake up because it is MINE......

6.) and do it NOW....

yeah.. that is recovery for me. I want to make it mine. I want it now. NOW I TELL YOU.. NOW!
*sigh* long way to go... LOL

Thanks all.
Extremely insightful and inspiring.

Yeah, my virtue is DEFINITELY NOT patience.
It's like I keep looking for a quick fix and nothing is coming up.

I know it's a process- but I can't help being frustrated.

I do need to take it "one day at a time" - I must remind myself of this- when I do not do this I see this entire expanse of time laid out in front of me that is just downright overwhelming.

you sound like your doing pretty darn good. Be proud of yourself. You are soooo on the right track. I want to be you when I grow up. ( of course thats just a joke, I'm an old lady!)

I can tell you this Heather...
I have no contact with people
that upset me.

No calls No letters No visits

Keeps me more serene that way.

Hugs